What are your thoughts on women who knowingly have affairs with married men?

[champagnetasting]

And those men who have young children/ children with SN. Does it make these women any different in your opinion ?
But first, I need to say that I have never blamed OW for my exh affair or departure. That's totally on him .
Just wondered ....

Oh yes the 'children are resilient' line... Used whenever adults fuck up and want to please themselves. I'm 7 years on, kids are tweens. They still regularly tell me they are sad we're not together and they miss him. There's some fairly deep anger that occasionally surfaces too. And guess who gets to deal with that? 'my' ow was also a single parent, struggling badly and ex was the 'saviour'. He actually told me that she needed him more. Then couldn't see the irony when I was / do struggle. Apparently I'm 'bleating' and should 'learn to budget' but she was so heartrendingly struggling he had to fuck up his family for her and her child. As people have said, there is no one answer to this q and everyone has experiences that would validate their view but I really really can't condone the idea that ow don't owe anyone anything.. They are a member of society and we should all try not to be a negative influence, especially on children. Regardless of how OK she is as a SM to my kids, she contributed to doing the most irreparable harm to them. And it wasn't a case of 'if not her then someone else'. They were soul mates (apparently)

I don’t think it’s ok to treat other people like shit just because you don’t know them or haven’t made any promises to them.

That’s an incredibly low bar for my own behaviour.

I do think though that nobody can become an OW unless there’s a man willing to crap on his own family.

To add, I've recently received communication from OW, post court hearing, where she "warned" me to "stay away from her family". However, my family was fair game it seems, the irony of that is completely lost on her 🙄.

I do agree with pp though that my ex-h was perfectly prepared to shit on us. They are as bad as eachother.

[quote MissJeanBrodiesprime]@DoingItMyself Totally disagree.
Since when did people, male or female, not look out for each other. The example you’ve given is irrelevant as is off topic, completely different. But we are all accountable, even if just to ourselves. We are all “free” to make our own choices, but with that comes responsibility. And with that comes judgement whether we like it or not.[/quote]
Bizarre.

Let's say Mr X has a thousand pounds in the bank. He spends it on a new (woman's) hat he wants to wear to a party, instead of on his family. Is the milliner responsible? No. The choice is his. The milliner is just doing what should reasonably be expected of milliners.

No other women is obliged to ensure your husband isn't unfaithful.

That's a ridiculous analogy. The milliner is a business, earning a profit, perfectly legit both legally and morally. An ow knowingly involving herself with a married father is more akin to a drug dealer or someone running a betting shop (in my view), but I don't think either analogy is really apt. In the end, I honestly don't see how you can argue that knowingly contributing to the breakdown of a marriage and / or family is in any way morally defensible. That doesn't mean you can't do it, but at least acknowledge is a shitty shitty thing and own it.

No matter how loudly you protest, fidelity is down to the marriage partners only.

Of course it is. But that doesn't mean it's not still a shit thing to do. If you like you can phrase it as not doing it 'to' the wife or family or but its still a crappy thing to do. In any other arena of life, behaving in such a self centred and self serving way would be criticised. Not sure why this is different.

In the couple of cases I’ve known this happen the man has sworn blind to the OW that they are divorcing, he’s just living there while they sort finances etc etc.

Then more fool them for believing such obvious shite. Even if it were true it's still a messy as fuck situation to get yourself involved with. Noone is THAT good a shag!

Unless I knew whole situation (eg Ow was close family friend and knew about our marriage etc), I’m give them the benefit of doubt (we don’t know exactly what the exH told her - Eg in a ‘dead’ marriage, separated, about to divorce…). At worst OW may be slightly less culpable than married man.

The mcheating married partner is where the majority of blame lies.

We did this upthread. There's no finite pie of blame to divvy up. Saying that being an ow is a shitty thing to dobin no way excuses or lessens the husbands guilt.

Both the married party and OM/OW are responsible for their own part.

The buying from a business analogy is nothing like knowingly having an affair.

You do not partake in behaviour that will cause other people harm emotionally/financially for a bit of self gratification. Well I don't.

@TheFormidableMrsC

Totally blame OW. She knew what she was doing, she knew we had an SN toddler. She made my life miserable and ex was too weak and controlled to stand up to her. He now has no contact and she is subject of an injunction. She was vile to my child. The woman is an utter cunt and I hope she and my ex get theirs eventually 🤷🏻‍♀️.

‘He was too weak’

That’s an excuse. He didn’t want to stand up to her.

Very simple: I think the fault is only of the man as he’s the one who is breaking the commitment he made. HOWEVER, if you fancy a man that is cheating on his wife, this says a lot about how cheap of a woman you are.

I think that women who have affairs with married men can't have much regard for their own sexual health. I know there's no guarantee with a single man, but with a married man there's a very high probability that he would have been inserting his penis into another woman's orifices within a few days/weeks of inserting it into them.

@lexocet

I think that women who have affairs with married men can't have much regard for their own sexual health. I know there's no guarantee with a single man, but with a married man there's a very high probability that he would have been inserting his penis into another woman's orifices within a few days/weeks of inserting it into them.

Indeed.

if you fancy a man that is cheating on his wife, this says a lot about how cheap of a woman you are

No woman is 'cheap'. Women are free to make their own decisions about who they have sex with.

In the case of my ex's OW, I know that she was fed some big lies, so if she believed them then I imagine she thought our marriage was a total travesty anyway, and she wasn't with a proper married man.
On the other hand, at the time, she was married too, to another man she'd got together with while he was married. So she was also cheating on him. And then she cheated on my ex. So she really does make quite a habit of it. With that in mind tbh I suspect she's got some major issues. But I don't actually know her, so it's all just guesswork.

I would say they are both to blame. You can’t say an OW hasn’t tried to manipulate a situation further her way somehow. She ain’t sitting there singing the praises of his wife.

As an OW it must be fairly easy to present the antithesis of the 'ball and chain'. OW is not continually present in the man's life, so can keep up the pretence of being more fun/more adventurous/more easy-going/perfectly-groomed/never making the bathroom smell after a shit, that sort of thing.
The OW wouldn't even have to actively manipulate the situation at all - it could occur by osmosis, as the husband revels while in the presence of his perpetually-perfumed mistress, while comparing that when he goes home to the wife who smells of baby puke and who hasn't had time to have a shower today.
I blame the patriarchy.

@Ohanaa You are absolutely right. I regretted typing that as soon as I posted it. The fact is he's found himself in an coercively controlling relationship. This is a woman who has spent her life bullying and belittling others. I don't think he realised what he was getting into. I should say I know the OW. A massive turning point for me when was I was diagnosed with breast cancer 3 days before lockdown 1 and she used that and the pandemic to force the end of contact. He did absolutely nothing about it, just went along with it and blamed her decision on me.

We will never see him again as she has moved him 700 miles away to make sure. She holds the financial cards. She is an absolute psychopath and he will pay dearly for what was supposed to be a "bit of fun" 🙄

@DoingItMyself

if you fancy a man that is cheating on his wife, this says a lot about how cheap of a woman you are

No woman is 'cheap'. Women are free to make their own decisions about who they have sex with.

I totally agree.

Some women are after just a bit of fun too( not saying it’s right). That doesn’t make them cheap.

[quote TheFormidableMrsC]@Ohanaa You are absolutely right. I regretted typing that as soon as I posted it. The fact is he's found himself in an coercively controlling relationship. This is a woman who has spent her life bullying and belittling others. I don't think he realised what he was getting into. I should say I know the OW. A massive turning point for me when was I was diagnosed with breast cancer 3 days before lockdown 1 and she used that and the pandemic to force the end of contact. He did absolutely nothing about it, just went along with it and blamed her decision on me.

We will never see him again as she has moved him 700 miles away to make sure. She holds the financial cards. She is an absolute psychopath and he will pay dearly for what was supposed to be a "bit of fun" 🙄[/quote]
You are 100% better without him.

I hope any breast cancer treatment went well too!

@Ohanaa Thank you for your well wishes, I am fine, finished treatment in May. While I agree with you and that certainly applies to me, my little lad is struggling so much. He's having a lot of therapy to help him come to terms with this abandonment. That gives me the rage above all else. What sort of vile people do that to a little boy? I'll never understand it.

Unless the OW or OM where lied to, then I think they are shameful, cruel and selfish people. The cheating partner is still worse though. There might be the odds exception, like for example an exit affair from an abusive relationship, or a situation where you couldn't/wouldnt leave your partner due to an illness such as dementia or brain damage.