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Original poster

DP saying he may never want to get married

134 replies

Savannah80 · 14/07/2021 23:36

Hi all, just wanted some other people’s perspectives really. I’ve known my DP for 2 years, we’ve been together for a year. We have two DC between us. He co parents with his daughter’s mum 50/50 and I have my son full time. We both live in separate houses that we own. Recently he’s been talking more and more about us living together, specifically me selling my home and me and my son moving in with him - seeing as he has the bigger house. Not straight away, but within the next 12 to 18 months or so. Now I get that moving in together is a logical next step in a relationship, but I had thought we were on the same wavelength re. wanting a relationship to lead to marriage (neither of us have ever been married). I had said when we first met that I wouldn’t want to move in with someone (and uproot my son) without being engaged first or being pretty damn sure that marriage was on the cards. He was going on about moving in together again tonight and I mentioned the future/marriage etc and he said he loves me but ‘doesn’t see the point’ in marriage and ‘it’s just a piece of paper’ and he’s not sure he’d ever propose. Am I wrong in feeling like the thought of selling my home that I love, moving my son, taking on a ‘step parent’ role and the responsibilities of two children for half the week, without the commitment, or even the thought of commitment, seems like a bad idea?! The relationship is otherwise great, but I can’t help feel this could potentially be a huge deal breaker for me, or should I just go with the flow and hope he changes his mind?Confused

OP posts:
Saidtoomuch · 14/07/2021 23:38

As my grandmother would say, he wants all of the benefits of a wife without any of the commitment. He will be getting the proceeds from the equity of your home pumped into his no doubt as a bonus.

spotcheck · 14/07/2021 23:40

Don't hope he'll change his mind- believe him if he says he never wants it.

Is he committed otherwise?

Would you have to see your house? Could you not hang onto it, and rent it iut- for security?

PersonaNonGarter · 14/07/2021 23:40

Do not go with the flow.

Nope, don’t move in. You want different things.

LtDansleg · 14/07/2021 23:40

Moving in together when you both have children from previous relationships is the most illogical step I can think of. Especially when it involves selling your family home and moving into his. He’s telling you now that he doesn’t want to get married.

Tulips15 · 14/07/2021 23:44

I would potentially move in BUT would not sell my house- can you rent it out? I also wouldnt be taking on his 50% of childcare of his DC.

MyOtherProfile · 14/07/2021 23:45

Don't sell your house.

And if he cant see the point in marriage explain to him that legally it protects you. There are enough threads of MN to show him if he doubts it.

Tell him you would like him to do it for you.

HollowTalk · 14/07/2021 23:45

You would be mad to do this. He wants you to move into his house and for you to help look after his children and yet he isn't willing to show any commitment at all. He is being so stupid to think a contract like the marriage contract it's just a piece of paper. Does he think his employment contract is the same?

FaceyRomford · 14/07/2021 23:47

Don't do it. If he wants a nanny/housekeeper let him advertise for one.

Original poster
Savannah80 · 14/07/2021 23:50

@MyOtherProfile

Don't sell your house.

And if he cant see the point in marriage explain to him that legally it protects you. There are enough threads of MN to show him if he doubts it.

Tell him you would like him to do it for you.

That’s exactly it. I see marriage as commitment and protection - and a positive thing! My son’s dad left me when I was pregnant, I’ve worked bloody hard to relocate, secure a good job and buy a home. It baffles me that he can’t see why being happy and secure is so important to me. He’s very attentive otherwise and a great partner. Just feels like a big thing to compromise on.
OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 14/07/2021 23:52

Ah, the old just a piece of paper bollocks. I’d struggle to respect someone so uninformed and cliched. Is his passport just a piece of paper? Deeds to his house? His will?

It’s a massive deal breaker, not one people can compromise on, not one you should budge on.

If he loves you why would he want you and your son to lose your stable home so you’re vulnerable and living at his whims?

The implication that you’re also not worth an active choice in how your life unfolds and might be waiting on him to get down on one knee is laughable. You’re a grown woman, not a damsel in distress waiting to be rescued and housed by some bloke.

Iamthewombat · 14/07/2021 23:54

should I just go with the flow and hope he changes his mind?

NO NO NO

pallisers · 14/07/2021 23:56

marriage is not just "a piece of paper" it gives significant legal rights/protections - which is why he doesn't want to marry you.

Or he is just not that into you (sorry OP)

Either way, I'd have nothing to do with this. And I wouldn't like him for thinking you should do it - move you and your son and sell your house for HIS convenience? where does he get off on that?

And please OP, please please do not sell and move in and mind his child/house without any equity if he offers you and engagement. Being engaged means fuck all.

Am I wrong in feeling like the thought of selling my home that I love, moving my son, taking on a ‘step parent’ role and the responsibilities of two children for half the week, without the commitment, or even the thought of commitment, seems like a bad idea?!

no you are not wrong. You are clearly a very capable woman who can see clearly what you are being expected to do. Listen to your own gut/voice.

StormTreader · 14/07/2021 23:57

If its just a piece of paper then he won't mind doing it just to keep you happy, right? If its such a small, silly thing then it should be no bother to do.

me4real · 14/07/2021 23:58

Hold on to what's important to you OP. Marriage has a lot of importance as a goal in a relationship to a lot of women/people. That's not wrong (as well as the practical considerations of course.)

I don't think I personally would sell my own home, but that's probably down to my own issues. You could rent it out if you were to eventually move in with him, maybe? (Once married.)

MissTrip82 · 14/07/2021 23:58

If marriage is just a piece of paper there’s no problem. He’ll be perfectly happy to obtain that piece of paper that doesn’t mean anything, knowing that it is important to the person he loves.

Except that these types never really mean that it’s just a piece of paper, they know it matters (and why), they just don’t want it with the person they’re with,

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/07/2021 23:59

@StormTreader

If its just a piece of paper then he won't mind doing it just to keep you happy, right? If its such a small, silly thing then it should be no bother to do.
That too. Or maybe a civil partnership.

But OP, these men always know exactly what it really means and that’s why they don’t want it.

scoobydoo1971 · 15/07/2021 00:00

Lots of women post on this group who are stuck in awful relationships, sometimes abusive, because they lack the financial capacity to escape their partner/ husband. Don't be one of those as you are financially independent in your housing at present. You should perhaps test him out, and see if he expects you to dump your house proceeds into his home as you share it in a partnership. If he does, you will see him for who he is.

quizqueen · 15/07/2021 00:00

Don't sell your house, rent it out.

Original poster
Savannah80 · 15/07/2021 00:08

@scoobydoo1971

Lots of women post on this group who are stuck in awful relationships, sometimes abusive, because they lack the financial capacity to escape their partner/ husband. Don't be one of those as you are financially independent in your housing at present. You should perhaps test him out, and see if he expects you to dump your house proceeds into his home as you share it in a partnership. If he does, you will see him for who he is.
Yes I always said I’d never allow myself to be financially dependent on a man again. It’s a scary place to be when things go wrong. I think renting it out could be an option, and only when I feel ready. I think he’s potentially a bit ‘needier’ than me, not in a suffocating way, I just really value alone time, I don’t get lonely. But I do want to eventually share a home together. The thought of this never leading to marriage makes me feel sad I suppose. I think other posters are correct, I think he potentially sees marriage as a financial issue should things go wrong (above anything else).
OP posts:
SpacePotato · 15/07/2021 00:09

You would be a bloody fool to sell your house to benefit someone else.

I'm sure once in your bank there will be holidays and home improvements and a new car etc etc until all your security is gone with zero claim on his.

Do not do this to yourself and your child.

PutBabyInTheCorner · 15/07/2021 00:10

You haven't been together that long so maybe the idea of marriage isn't really a focus for him yet.
It's difficult, you shouldn't compromise if it's what you want but equally neither should he.
Personally I've been with my partner 13 years, we have 3 kids. He'd like to get married and I feel very similar to your DP and would rather not.
If I was you I wouldn't sell my house or uproot my son. I'd give it a bit longer and keep things as they are. As others have said best to maintain your financial independence.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/07/2021 00:10

I think he potentially sees marriage as a financial issue should things go wrong (above anything else).

That’s the polar opposite of marriage not meaning anything then. He knows what it means. He’s not willing to link himself to you financially but he’s encouraging you to sell your house and make you - and your son - less financially secure and more vulnerable on him.

Dontbeme · 15/07/2021 00:17

Is this bloke relly worth your child's security? When all he is offering is the opportunity for extra childcare, extra housework and the option of him throwing you and your child out on the street if the relationship ends. He is not offering to take any risk is he, think why that might be.

workshy44 · 15/07/2021 00:18

There was a post on here some time about where a women did just what your partner is proposing. Sold her house, pumped the proceeds into his house, extension/loan paid off a large chunk of the mortgage then said marriage was just a piece of paper after proposing and then started to act like a selfish asshole. He was supposed to go to a solicitor to get her name on the deeds.. you can guess how it all turned out. In total I think she lost over 200K, she was a single mother too. He didn't want to break up but she was totally and utterly stuck. Don't be that person. You would be insane to sell your house. At least he is being up front that he doesn't want to get married. You have been forewarned. Men v v rarely change their mind on this.

Original poster
Savannah80 · 15/07/2021 00:18

True. It’s all on me.

OP posts: