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Relationships

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Original poster

DP saying he may never want to get married

134 replies

Savannah80 · 14/07/2021 23:36

Hi all, just wanted some other people’s perspectives really. I’ve known my DP for 2 years, we’ve been together for a year. We have two DC between us. He co parents with his daughter’s mum 50/50 and I have my son full time. We both live in separate houses that we own. Recently he’s been talking more and more about us living together, specifically me selling my home and me and my son moving in with him - seeing as he has the bigger house. Not straight away, but within the next 12 to 18 months or so. Now I get that moving in together is a logical next step in a relationship, but I had thought we were on the same wavelength re. wanting a relationship to lead to marriage (neither of us have ever been married). I had said when we first met that I wouldn’t want to move in with someone (and uproot my son) without being engaged first or being pretty damn sure that marriage was on the cards. He was going on about moving in together again tonight and I mentioned the future/marriage etc and he said he loves me but ‘doesn’t see the point’ in marriage and ‘it’s just a piece of paper’ and he’s not sure he’d ever propose. Am I wrong in feeling like the thought of selling my home that I love, moving my son, taking on a ‘step parent’ role and the responsibilities of two children for half the week, without the commitment, or even the thought of commitment, seems like a bad idea?! The relationship is otherwise great, but I can’t help feel this could potentially be a huge deal breaker for me, or should I just go with the flow and hope he changes his mind?

OP posts:

MadamBatty · 15/07/2021 06:21

Don’t rent your house…why can’t he rent his house? Why should you be the one to uproot yourself & your son?

You’re only with this man a year, you don’t really know him.

Better for you to Keep things as they are & review the sitcom a years time.

Cloudninenine · 15/07/2021 06:22

Yanbu. You have to protect yourself and your son. If he won’t marry you then you should keep your house, rent it out, and save that money for a nest egg in case you need to leave and start again. You should also not at any point reduce your hours or give up work to look after children. Without the protection of marriage, doing so would put you in a very vulnerable position.

MadamBatty · 15/07/2021 06:22

Situation not sitcom!

QueenBee52 · 15/07/2021 06:24

@Zari29

Do not sell your house. Do not sell your house. Repeat. And DO NOT sell even if you are engaged. An engagement is nothing legal and can be broken. You have worked so hard for your son, don't throw it away for a man who has clearly told you how he truly feels about marriage. You are not on the same wavelength.

this ...

I'm glad to see you're no Mug OP and not falling for the 'it's just a piece of paper' bullshit 🎉

category12 · 15/07/2021 06:26

Sell up your house, give up your security and just move in with him? Fuck no,that's a huge gamble with all the risk on your side.

Is he planning the money from your house sale will go into improvements on his or something?

Saltyslug · 15/07/2021 06:32

Keep your own house because you love it and rent it out. Live with him in his house. However there’s no way I’d consider having children with someone who I wasn’t married to as the potential for being screwed over financially is huge. Although taking on his kids, you can decline to be a main carer for them

daretodenim · 15/07/2021 06:34

Another voice in the chorus.

No, don't do it.
He's proposing you lose your security, move your child, not ever get the marriage you want.
Meanwhile..
He's sits pretty, no big change for his kid (who isn't even there all the times) and he doesn't need even need to sign a worthless piece of paper.

Nope.

Plus, on top of it, is he planning on doing at least 50% of all the housework and household management? I mean, were you to move in under his scenario, he should be worshipping the ground you walk on, making sure you never have to lift a finger. Something tells me though that this isn't his plan. If he's expecting you to give everything up for him, and not get married, it's highly likely he's expecting you to do the wife work too, even if he's not actively thinking about it.

Original poster

Savannah80 · 15/07/2021 06:47

The end goal was to pool our resources and buy a new house together - eventually - but with the interim stay at his house. So don’t worry, I certainly won’t be funding an extension! But ultimately it’s the marriage thing. Of course I wouldn’t want him to do something he was fundamentally against. If he was as passionate against marriage as I am for it then I’d have to back off/wouldn’t have even started things up, but it’s his blasé attitude, which I’m now realising is probably more about him not wanting to financially ‘link’ to me. So if he’s not ready to marry me, then I’m not ready (and won’t be in 12 months) to live with him. Simple. Thanks everyone

OP posts:

Fireflygal · 15/07/2021 06:51

I think he’s potentially a bit ‘needier’ than me

I tend to see men wanting a live in relationship because it benefits them so much. Women will generally do more in the house and he has childcare and sex on tap. In a living apart relationship he has to work harder to see you and keep up the connection as it is much easier to take you for granted once you move in.

He didn't tell you marriage was off the cards at the outset because he knew you might discard him. Think about that??? I doubt he changed his mind...he wasn't truthful at the start.

We tend to judge others by our own standards.. don't!. Just because you are open and honest, doesn't mean he is.

I guarantee he used the "bit of paper" excuse with the mother of his child. How does she cope financially now?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/07/2021 06:54

I would end this relationship and go onto find a man who does want marriage to you. If it’s important to you do not lower your boundaries to fit someone else’s requirements.

This individual clearly does not want marriage or if he did it will not be to you. What he is proposing here is all risk and no reward to you. His attitude towards you would also make me wonder how your son would get on in this man’s house. I can well see your lives becoming utter misery with him in his home.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 15/07/2021 06:58

@Saidtoomuch

As my grandmother would say, he wants all of the benefits of a wife without any of the commitment. He will be getting the proceeds from the equity of your home pumped into his no doubt as a bonus.

I agree. He wants his comforts and his hole, no strings, knowing that he can walk away forever, whenever it suits him.

I would run far away from this arse, if I were you.
I would also tell him to go fuck himself.

MerryDecembermas · 15/07/2021 07:01

@FaceyRomford

Don't do it. If he wants a nanny/housekeeper let him advertise for one.

This

GiantHaystacks2021 · 15/07/2021 07:08

I swear to god, why do women put up with such bollocks?

I agree with above, they're only looking for a combined nanny and skivvy - who'll suck their dick.

BlueCupOrangeCup · 15/07/2021 07:12

Absolutely f*ing not.

You've been warned OP.

Blankscreen · 15/07/2021 07:15

My ex said this to me once I was really hurt as that's where I thought our relationship was going we had just bought our second house together

Luckily we didn't have kids

Anyway he started fucking some one at work, we broke up and low and behold he married her!!

It took a while to accept - but he didn't want to marry me!

You're not wrong for wanting to be married find someone nice who does value you x

bigbaggyeyes · 15/07/2021 07:18

If he's not willing to marry you now, or at least is insinuating he's not, at a time when he wants you to move in (take action on something for him), he'll never do it when he's settled and got what he wants

Separately, you seem to have your head screwed on re finances, just don't do anything to jeopardise your currant financial stability. Especially not on promises

HarrisMcCoo · 15/07/2021 07:23

What about a civil partnership?

Blueskytoday06 · 15/07/2021 07:31

Keep your house...or at least put something in place that safeguards your money.

littlebilliie · 15/07/2021 07:50

If he is not marrying you finish and move on.

LtDansleg · 15/07/2021 07:56

I’ve just read a thread on here by someone called badgerread. She’s sold her house to move in with her dp and children. It’s only been 3 weeks and it’s all gone tits up.

Billybagpuss · 15/07/2021 08:01

@Savannah80

Watch out for him playing the promise game to keep you on hook with me intentions of follow through

badacorn · 15/07/2021 08:05

Glad you made the right decision op. He actually does want a wife, but without the pesky piece of paper that would give you any protection.

Beware of getting engaged to this man. He is not bothered about getting married so it’ll stay as an engagement forever.

Shoxfordian · 15/07/2021 08:11

Don’t sell your house

Do you want to stay with him?

OhNoNoNoNoNo · 15/07/2021 08:16

Which of you is the wealthiest?

BrumCahoots · 15/07/2021 08:19

Don't do it ... your instinct is telling you not to .. don't compromise.. marriage is important to you so don't just move in if it doesn't feel right .. and definitely don't sell your house .. this will only get worse over the years with him not wanting to get married .. don't give him control

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