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Original poster

DP saying he may never want to get married

134 replies

Savannah80 · 14/07/2021 23:36

Hi all, just wanted some other people’s perspectives really. I’ve known my DP for 2 years, we’ve been together for a year. We have two DC between us. He co parents with his daughter’s mum 50/50 and I have my son full time. We both live in separate houses that we own. Recently he’s been talking more and more about us living together, specifically me selling my home and me and my son moving in with him - seeing as he has the bigger house. Not straight away, but within the next 12 to 18 months or so. Now I get that moving in together is a logical next step in a relationship, but I had thought we were on the same wavelength re. wanting a relationship to lead to marriage (neither of us have ever been married). I had said when we first met that I wouldn’t want to move in with someone (and uproot my son) without being engaged first or being pretty damn sure that marriage was on the cards. He was going on about moving in together again tonight and I mentioned the future/marriage etc and he said he loves me but ‘doesn’t see the point’ in marriage and ‘it’s just a piece of paper’ and he’s not sure he’d ever propose. Am I wrong in feeling like the thought of selling my home that I love, moving my son, taking on a ‘step parent’ role and the responsibilities of two children for half the week, without the commitment, or even the thought of commitment, seems like a bad idea?! The relationship is otherwise great, but I can’t help feel this could potentially be a huge deal breaker for me, or should I just go with the flow and hope he changes his mind?Confused

OP posts:
Jsku · 15/07/2021 10:46

@Savannah80
I am divorced, with kids and a bf. And I also don’t want to marry. Or at least would prefer not to.
OP - I think you have some sort of a romantic notion of marriage. And maybe you are trying to re-live/correct some past relationship issues.
Both of you have made much larger commitments in life by having kids without entering into marriage. So it’s somewhat unclear why it became of such importance to you now. Are you hoping to have more kids?

The point of marriage is largely to protect the weaker party when they make sacrifices to rear joint children. The romantic ideas of the marriage doesn’t really make the actual relationship any stronger or longer lasting. Marriages, just like other relationships fall apart with regularity.

So your bf is being realistic and practical, I think. Relationships with kids on both sides can be tricky and blending families takes time. Spending time together and eventually moving the families in together is a normal natural progression.
You seem to be so overly focused on marriage that you seem to not even think about it or mention the kids involved.

The only thing you said sounded very transactional - as in - you aren’t taking on (part time) step-parenting his kid unless he puts a ring on it. You are, of course, completely forgetting that he is taking on step parenting your kid on a full time basis, given your situation.

I’ll summarise. Given where your head is - I’d not be selling your house. I’d also try to figure out what you actually are looking for in life.

And do a bit of soul searching to understand why you seem to think a marriage is so important to you at this point of your life.

daisyjgrey · 15/07/2021 11:37

My partner always said he had no interest in marriage, I am divorced so never pushed the issue but would 100% have married him from a year or so into the relationship.

Turns out he'd been pestered constantly about marriage by his ex and felt really pressured by it. He proposed at the beginning of last year it feels good that he's done it out of zero expectation from me/on any condition that it needs to happen before we can progress in other ways.

We are in a similar position to you property wise except that mine is bigger. If I were you I would keep your house and rent it as security, don't give up your financial independence.

Littlepaws18 · 15/07/2021 11:43

It's not just a piece of paper, there is so many financial securities attached to being the next of kin. He's basically asking you to get rid of all your independence and security when he asks you to move in. Keep your house, rent it out if you decide to make that move. Also marriage is that declaration of live and proves commitment- it shouldn't be taken lightly. If I were you I would hold out and not move in until it's sorted x if he can't be bothered to make a commitment to you, why should you to him?

KirstenBlest · 15/07/2021 11:53

should I just go with the flow and hope he changes his mind?
Absolutely not.

He gets a nanny-cum-housekeeper with her own money. You get a live-in job without pay.

Original poster
Savannah80 · 15/07/2021 12:01

@daisyjgrey

My partner always said he had no interest in marriage, I am divorced so never pushed the issue but would 100% have married him from a year or so into the relationship.

Turns out he'd been pestered constantly about marriage by his ex and felt really pressured by it. He proposed at the beginning of last year it feels good that he's done it out of zero expectation from me/on any condition that it needs to happen before we can progress in other ways.

We are in a similar position to you property wise except that mine is bigger. If I were you I would keep your house and rent it as security, don't give up your financial independence.

This is exactly it. I can’t stand the feeling that I’m ‘putting pressure on’ or nagging him about it. I’m not, I’ve never said ‘marry me now/I want to get engaged within XXX timeframe’, I’ve just been clear about my views on marriage in the long term and his wanting to move in together has escalated a conversation that I didn’t really even want to be having. A couple of people have said ‘never blend families’ etc. I don’t believe that just because you have children with previous partners it means you should live alone with your child forever and not evolve / blend your lives when the time is right. But I know it won’t be easy...but then I know people living with their shit of a husband/DP who is the father of their kids and just because they’re biologically linked it hasn’t made them any happier than I currently am. My BF rang this morning, I can’t tell you how much it has helped me having some of these comments to back up my POV. He seemed to back track quite a bit. ‘I never said I don’t EVER want to get married, I just want to do things at the right time.’ I said that’s great, as do I, but please let’s put the ‘move in together’ chat on hold then!
OP posts:
NowEvenBetter · 15/07/2021 12:05

There’d be no benefit to your kid to move in with your boyfriend, forcing two kids from two broken homes to live together just to facilitate their parents love lives- no need. Why not keep your security, your sons home and security and peace, and continue to date the boyfriend if you want?

NowEvenBetter · 15/07/2021 12:26

(I speak as a kid whose mother moved her boyfriend/s in to my house where I was meant to feel secure, after an already hellish childhood. It was shit, and there was no need for it.)

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 15/07/2021 12:31

I hate this outdated view that a woman has to be married to protect herself financially. There are other ways to protect yourself and your assets.

QueenBee52 · 15/07/2021 13:04

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I hate this outdated view that a woman has to be married to protect herself financially. There are other ways to protect yourself and your assets.

Marriage is the better and simpler option 🌸

litterbird · 15/07/2021 13:07

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I hate this outdated view that a woman has to be married to protect herself financially. There are other ways to protect yourself and your assets.
Agreed! I haven't got married to protect myself financially !!!!! I am fortunate to have assets and a very good pension,.....too many of my female peers have been slaughtered financially when their husbands went off with the gym instructor and took half the house, pension and savings that my female colleagues had acquired over their hard working careers! Glad that the OP is hoping to go ahead sensibly with her own finances and protect her and her sons assets.
GeorgiaGirl52 · 15/07/2021 13:15

@HollowTalk

You would be mad to do this. He wants you to move into his house and for you to help look after his children and yet he isn't willing to show any commitment at all. He is being so stupid to think a contract like the marriage contract it's just a piece of paper. Does he think his employment contract is the same?
THIS^
honeylulu · 15/07/2021 13:24

Excellent OP, well done!

I had similar with my husband many years ago. He'd been married before and didn't want to do it again. I wanted to be married before I had children. He was very keen on us buying a property together. I refused on the basis that we wanted different futures so there was no point making such a bit committment when we were going to go our separate ways eventually. I meant it too. I didn't nag to be married as I only wanted to marry someone who wanted that too.

We ended up getting married!

Iamthewombat · 15/07/2021 13:26

Marriage is the better and simpler option 🌸

When it’s overwhelmingly women who put their careers on the back burner and go part time etc to accommodate children, I have to agree. Not many men do that, do they?

When more men than women sacrifice their future earning potential to raise children, then we can call the idea that marriage protects women outdated.

Iamthewombat · 15/07/2021 13:30

My partner always said he had no interest in marriage, I am divorced so never pushed the issue but would 100% have married him from a year or so into the relationship.

Turns out he'd been pestered constantly about marriage by his ex and felt really pressured by it.

That his ex (ex what? Wife or girlfriend?) wanted to get married and “pestered constantly” (he says!) should be irrelevant to him marrying you. What’s that got to do with his envisaging a future with you?

QueenBee52 · 15/07/2021 13:31

@Iamthewombat

Marriage is the better and simpler option 🌸

When it’s overwhelmingly women who put their careers on the back burner and go part time etc to accommodate children, I have to agree. Not many men do that, do they?

When more men than women sacrifice their future earning potential to raise children, then we can call the idea that marriage protects women outdated.

Yes I agree...

Im happy OP asked the right questions up front and openly instead of quietly hoping for marriage whilst losing all her own hard earned assets...

Im glad to see she is protecting herself financially ...

Good Job 🌸

KirstenBlest · 15/07/2021 14:07

@Iamthewombat

My partner always said he had no interest in marriage, I am divorced so never pushed the issue but would 100% have married him from a year or so into the relationship.

Turns out he'd been pestered constantly about marriage by his ex and felt really pressured by it.

That his ex (ex what? Wife or girlfriend?) wanted to get married and “pestered constantly” (he says!) should be irrelevant to him marrying you. What’s that got to do with his envisaging a future with you?

My XP's exes were all psychos. I'm sure they were, and I am almost certainly one too.
billy1966 · 15/07/2021 14:19

OP,

Well handled.

I think you need to protect your asset first and foremost.

Do you want more children?

If not, marriage may not be in your best interests.

You need to figure out what you want for your future before moving ahead.

Taking on a home of 4 is a lot more work than what you have now.

Does he keep his home beautifully?

Because if not, I would think hard and long about combining houses with any man.

Iamthewombat · 15/07/2021 14:35

My XP's exes were all psychos. I'm sure they were, and I am almost certainly one too.

Without doubt. Those pesky women with their needs and wants, eh? Ruining marriage for the poor men and putting them under pressure.

Wherearemymarbles · 15/07/2021 14:45

No reason to get married unless you have children together.

Keep your house and rent it out

Wheretobuy · 15/07/2021 16:51

Your latest update is great OP. The ball is in his court now. You have done swimmingly! Start strong and do not cave in, especially not for an engagement ring. You must also discuss childcare and household work.

Wherearemymarbles · 15/07/2021 17:39

Are you more or less financially equal or is one of potentially advantaged by marriage?

SarahDarah · 15/07/2021 18:45

@Savannah80 it's "just a piece of paper" to him because he's expecting you'll let him enjoy all the benefits of marriage (convenient sex, shared household cleaning, childcare support, sharer finances, emotional support etc) without any commitment from him. If he doesn't get these things it will naturally cease to be "just a piece of paper". Well done for bringing up what you want at this point, too many women act like timid, submissive girls around men.

I would make it clear that you WON'T be moving in without marriage and say if that's not what he wants then you're both incompatible and you'll need to end things. If it's truly just a piece of paper to him and he loved you and truly saw his future with you, he would have no qualms in getting this "piece of paper" with the love of his life.

What you what matters just as much - know your worth Flowers

SarahDarah · 15/07/2021 18:46

*want

SarahDarah · 15/07/2021 18:59

@Rainbowqueeen

Even if you keep your house and rent it out you are still running a huge risk. He can kick you out at any time. If your house is rented out where do you go? It is not easy to evict a tenant, it can cost thousands. Why risk that kind of money and stability for a boyfriend. He benefits hugely from you moving in. I’m guessing he anticipates you doing childcare for him and sharing chores and bills equally. And I agree, he absolutely knows what he is doing.
Agree with this 100%

Very selfish and horrible of him to happily want OP to give up her and her son's security when he knows he doesn't want to commit to her! Since he's not commitment minded, he's looking for easier sex, and for replacement female childcare support for him since his son's mum has moved out. All he cares about his make HIS life easier. Don't do it OP. You and your son deserve so much better.

EarthSight · 15/07/2021 19:44

Don't sell your house, however I don't think you really know someone until you live with them full time. Perhaps consider renting your house first, if moving to his bigger house is really worth it that is, but only do that if he's willing to put you on the deed. Or, how about he moves in with you actually, and if by 6 months, things aren't great or there's no date booked for a wedding, HE can move out.

The one thing that stood out to me was the piece of paper argument. It's just dishonest bullshit. Of course it means something, otherwise he would be looking into registry offices knowing how happy it would make you. He just doesn't really want to tell you the truth about what he really feels about that legal contract, or, sadly, he's just not that into you. You might be lovely to be around, will probably be nice to live with....but not quite great enough to marry.