DP saying he may never want to get married

[Savannah80]

Hi all, just wanted some other people’s perspectives really. I’ve known my DP for 2 years, we’ve been together for a year. We have two DC between us. He co parents with his daughter’s mum 50/50 and I have my son full time. We both live in separate houses that we own. Recently he’s been talking more and more about us living together, specifically me selling my home and me and my son moving in with him - seeing as he has the bigger house. Not straight away, but within the next 12 to 18 months or so. Now I get that moving in together is a logical next step in a relationship, but I had thought we were on the same wavelength re. wanting a relationship to lead to marriage (neither of us have ever been married). I had said when we first met that I wouldn’t want to move in with someone (and uproot my son) without being engaged first or being pretty damn sure that marriage was on the cards. He was going on about moving in together again tonight and I mentioned the future/marriage etc and he said he loves me but ‘doesn’t see the point’ in marriage and ‘it’s just a piece of paper’ and he’s not sure he’d ever propose. Am I wrong in feeling like the thought of selling my home that I love, moving my son, taking on a ‘step parent’ role and the responsibilities of two children for half the week, without the commitment, or even the thought of commitment, seems like a bad idea?! The relationship is otherwise great, but I can’t help feel this could potentially be a huge deal breaker for me, or should I just go with the flow and hope he changes his mind?

Don’t sell your house. If he wants you to then he is after the equity. He is secure but you are not. Got no time for this “only a piece of paper”:get out.

I can actually see why someone in his situation wouldn’t want to get married. It’s a legal contract that he doesn’t have to enter into, with potentially high losses if things don’t work out.

At least he has told you at this stage that he doesn’t want to get married, unlike all the men you read about on here who imply they intend to get married and don’t actually mean it.

The issue here is that he’s suggesting you give up your house, which would not be sensible unless you are getting married. I think you clearly want different things. Obviously don’t give up your house. If he doesn’t want to get married don’t expect him to change his mind.

Also, I’m not sure who is wealthier but if you are wealthier than him, consider whether getting married is sensible from that point of view.

Yeah, we'll he can feck off then can't he. I wouldn't trust moving him with him after that until actually married, especially as he's led you to believe you were both on the same page, when he clearly isn't

It's up to you what you do, carry on as is & don't give up your house & independence & uproot your DC for a man who clearly can't make the same commitment to you, or dump his ass. I'd be dumping is ass though, no point in wasting time with a man who wants it all, but gives nothing in return

It's a personal preference thing, not everyone wants to get married despite being in long standing committed relationships. Whether this is a dealbreaker for you only you know. We've both been through divorce and it makes me wonder if it's worth doing the paperwork for marriage, both amicable divorces but the state interferes with how you want to arrange you affairs eg my ex was told our proposed settlement would too generous to me!

Never ceases to amaze me the lengths people will go to to avoid getting the “just a piece of paper” that is a marriage certificate. If it’s so meaningless then what’s the problem with getting one.

Well at least he’s honest. The number of threads on here from poor wretches awaiting a romantic proposal “when the time is right” because their boyfriends are “traditional” is depressing. At least his cards are on the table and he is not leading you on.

It’s disappointing but not a dealbreaker. BUT ensure you obtain legal advice before you make any financial commitment so that you and DC are not his homeless ex-lodgers in the event of separation. And don’t have children outside of marriage unless you’re wealthy, it’s too risky. The common sense stuff, really! You seem clued-up though.

You're still in the early stages of your relationship.
It doesn't sound as though you want the same things
You don't have to compromise on what you want for your and your son's future.
Don't settle. You seem to have a nice independent set-up and are enjoying your life
Relationships become too much for granted if you move in together.

I wouldn't bother moving in! What's in it for you?

@Saidtoomuch

As my grandmother would say, he wants all of the benefits of a wife without any of the commitment. He will be getting the proceeds from the equity of your home pumped into his no doubt as a bonus.

Exactly!

Well at least he’s honest.

Not very. See this from the OP’s first post:

I had said when we first met that I wouldn’t want to move in with someone (and uproot my son) without being engaged first or being pretty damn sure that marriage was on the cards.

Very sensible and honest of the OP to be upfront, but surely that was the point at which her new boyfriend should have said, “I think marriage is just a piece of paper blah blah I won’t be marrying anybody”.

The marriage question has only come up again now because he’s asking the OP to sell up and move in. She’s had to remind him that she wants to be married first, something that he has conveniently forgotten about!

he said he loves me but ‘doesn’t see the point’ in marriage and ‘it’s just a piece of paper’ and he’s not sure he’d ever propose.

For ‘not sure he will ever propose’, read ‘he will never propose’.

Luckily the OP is smart enough not to just walk into a bad situation. If she did what he wanted, he’d effectively be giving her KPIs to aspire to before he might start to consider marriage. So the OP would feel as if she had to play the part of perfect housewife, chef, always looking perfect, never arguing with him or upsetting him in case he goes off her and decides not to marry her, when in fact he never intended marriage in the first place. I’ve known several women who have got themselves into that situation, and it is awful.

I have to say my first thought was “at least he is honest”. In that at least he is not saying let’s get engaged, sticking a ring on your finger and hoping that will keep you quiet for the next fifteen years (as I have seen on here many times).

But his honestly on that point means there is no excuse for you to go with the flow in the hope it will change. It won’t. You have got yourself into a good, secure position and I can see no advantage to you in going along with his plans. Personally I would never (and didn’t ever, I am 51 now) link myself financially to someone I am not married to. I rented with my now husband before we were married, but we did not buy until married.

He wants everything his way doesn't he, and no risks?! Jog on mate.

@Savannah80

The end goal was to pool our resources and buy a new house together - eventually - but with the interim stay at his house. So don’t worry, I certainly won’t be funding an extension! But ultimately it’s the marriage thing. Of course I wouldn’t want him to do something he was fundamentally against. If he was as passionate against marriage as I am for it then I’d have to back off/wouldn’t have even started things up, but it’s his blasé attitude, which I’m now realising is probably more about him not wanting to financially ‘link’ to me. So if he’s not ready to marry me, then I’m not ready (and won’t be in 12 months) to live with him. Simple. Thanks everyone

Well said OP. I am standing on the highest mountain here and repeating what many posters have said. Please don't ever sell your house unless you are married and get legal financial protection. Have you really considered what it will be like to blend your families too? Apparently reading on these boards its quite a tricky situation. Personally, I would keep your arrangement with 2 separate households and enjoy your financial and personal freedoms. However, I am not into marriage myself and have never been. But it is important to you so you should never compromise on what you want. Your partner has told you how he sees the situation so you have to listen to this and realise he wants the 'wife' without the commitment and a quick exit financially if it all goes wrong. Good luck OP!

Yes I always said I’d never allow myself to be financially dependent on a man again
So why are you on here asking if you should sell your house and move in with a man who has been quite clear he won't marry you?

I actually think, whether you're married or not, moving into his - or him moving into yours - isn't a good way to start a living-together relationship. Its you being added to his life, rather than both of you building a new one together.

I also would be careful to equate being engaged with commitment. It changes absolutely nothing, the world is full of people who've been 'engaged' for ten years or more.

Equally, I understand why you would both want to try living together and being a blended family before actually getting married. A more sensible timeline would be something like: when you're both ready, you get engaged and you both rent out your houses and rent another house on a year contract. The plan is to get married within 18 months, then buy a new joint house. It gives you a 'trial run', I'm assuming you'd both be able to rent out your houses and cover the costs of them to be able to afford it. I'd also think very carefully about the terms under which that new house would be owned. you wouldn't have somewhere you could easily retreat to if it broke down. You both have children who need to be housed.

Are your houses equal value? If you agreed to ring fence, say, 60% of equity of a new house to him and 40% to you, would that really equate to you being able to buy a house similar to what you currently have if things broke down in ten years? I am very very pro marriage and its protections, but I also think things play out differently in relationships where there are other children who need to be housed and thought of and have to stay in their schools, etc etc. I think you need to think through what you would want to see happening in the case of a breakup in 5, 10, 20 years time: maybe what he needs is a frank discussion about assets where you're both very honest and lay your cards on the table.

Is marriage a good idea for you OP? If you're the higher earner you definitely shouldn't get married.

But yeah, he wants a housekeeper/childcare. Bloody men

I think you've absolutely right not to want to sell up and lose your home without the protections of marriage, but I also think he's right not to bring marriage and someone else's children into his child's future.

Ok, life shouldn't be all about the finances, but it's not sensible to marry or to live together in your positions, IMO.

Ah, the old just a piece of paper bollocks. I’d struggle to respect someone so uninformed and cliched. Is his passport just a piece of paper? Deeds to his house? His will?

This, and he wants you to jump off the property ladder for him, too.

Which part of this sounds like a good idea?

Me and DP have been together for 12 years, own our house together and have 2 DC. We have no plans to get married.

If it happens in the future so be it

@LST

Me and DP have been together for 12 years, own our house together and have 2 DC. We have no plans to get married.

If it happens in the future so be it

With respect that’s an entirely different scenario. Joint house. Joint children.

Also, marriage isn’t something that just happens. It has to be agreed, arranged, booked and followed through on.

You can afford to be laissez faire if you jointly own your home. OP’s partner wants her to sell hers.

I would not move in with him. Keep your own house, protect your son and maintain your independence .
I think this man may have plans for your money that are of no benefit to you. Also, expect to end up caring for his child too if you move in. No wonder he’s so keen.

I mentioned the future/marriage etc and he said he loves me but ‘doesn’t see the point’ in marriage and ‘it’s just a piece of paper’ and he’s not sure he’d ever propose.

A piece of paper with a whole load of legal protections involved. It's remarkable how many people don't realise this and make themselves look a fool with their "just a piece of paper" line, it's just a completely unthought out backlash against "tacky lavish weddings", ironically used by people who think they are the clever ones for not being materialistic. If he's a man of intelligence and substance, it shouldn't take you long to explain the ramifications of being married vs not.

No way would I even entertain selling my home to benefit someone else! I think a lot of men seem to see marriage and living together as more or less the same thing, but with less bother! If you want to marry then you need to explain your reasoning .If he still isnt keen maybe best to move on? You leave yourself open to financial abuse here!

It reads to me he's after a housekeeper.
Someone who'll run the he house and take over his parenting cause he can't he arsed.

You've been together a year,that's way too soon to be thinking of moving in and way to soon to be thinking of marriage.

I'd continue as you are and give it a time limit.
Don't sell your house and don't move in.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

I would end this relationship and go onto find a man who does want marriage to you. If it’s important to you do not lower your boundaries to fit someone else’s requirements.

This individual clearly does not want marriage or if he did it will not be to you. What he is proposing here is all risk and no reward to you. His attitude towards you would also make me wonder how your son would get on in this man’s house. I can well see your lives becoming utter misery with him in his home.

You do not know this man at ALL.

You said at the beginning you wanted marriage, yet a year in he tells you he doesn't want to.

What he is suggesting is not in your and your sons best interests, yet this is what he has suggested.
A good man who really loved you would not suggest something against your own best interests.

He is very sneaky in saying it's only paper and doesn't matter, he knows well its importance but is being disingenuous saying otherwise.

The fact that you would even consider his suggestion of becoming his house skivvy and give up your home, considering how hard you have worked is unbelievably.

Kindly, I think he thinks you are a bit dim.
Because no man who respected you or your intelligence would suggest a scenario which is so perilous to your security.

I agree with @AttilaTheMeerkat, I think your son would be miserable in the home of such a sneaky, needy person.

I repeat, you clearly do NOT know this man.

But be glad that this conversation has given you a real insight into his character and how his mind really works.

You can do better.

I'm relieved to read that you have decided not to sell your house and move in with him. That would be insane. If you're going to that, you should be married first, and actually married, not just engaged. But tbh you should keep your house and your financial independence.