Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP saying he may never want to get married

134 replies

Savannah80 · 14/07/2021 23:36

Hi all, just wanted some other people’s perspectives really. I’ve known my DP for 2 years, we’ve been together for a year. We have two DC between us. He co parents with his daughter’s mum 50/50 and I have my son full time. We both live in separate houses that we own. Recently he’s been talking more and more about us living together, specifically me selling my home and me and my son moving in with him - seeing as he has the bigger house. Not straight away, but within the next 12 to 18 months or so. Now I get that moving in together is a logical next step in a relationship, but I had thought we were on the same wavelength re. wanting a relationship to lead to marriage (neither of us have ever been married). I had said when we first met that I wouldn’t want to move in with someone (and uproot my son) without being engaged first or being pretty damn sure that marriage was on the cards. He was going on about moving in together again tonight and I mentioned the future/marriage etc and he said he loves me but ‘doesn’t see the point’ in marriage and ‘it’s just a piece of paper’ and he’s not sure he’d ever propose. Am I wrong in feeling like the thought of selling my home that I love, moving my son, taking on a ‘step parent’ role and the responsibilities of two children for half the week, without the commitment, or even the thought of commitment, seems like a bad idea?! The relationship is otherwise great, but I can’t help feel this could potentially be a huge deal breaker for me, or should I just go with the flow and hope he changes his mind?Confused

OP posts:
PrinnyPree · 15/07/2021 00:21

Why does he want you to sell your house? Why can't you rent it? I'd understand a little if you were both selling to get a joint property. Confused

Wheretobuy · 15/07/2021 00:22

@AnneLovesGilbert

I think he potentially sees marriage as a financial issue should things go wrong (above anything else).

That’s the polar opposite of marriage not meaning anything then. He knows what it means. He’s not willing to link himself to you financially but he’s encouraging you to sell your house and make you - and your son - less financially secure and more vulnerable on him.

This is spot on! Men like him know exactly what they want and why they want it. Lay it out to him as clear as you like but do not sell your house and do not move in with him before getting married.
Flowers500 · 15/07/2021 00:28

WOW you would be insane to accept this! So you sell your house, let me guess as you are so cash flush you should pay more into his house, some improvements etc? Then if he dumps you in 10 years you’ve lost your asset, have nowhere to go and no stake in the house you helped pay for?!

TangledUp789 · 15/07/2021 00:29

Is one of you wealthier than the other? As a financially independent individual with a house and a child from a previous relationship, does marriage offer your partner any advantages? I think it makes more sense to keep both your houses and rent one out, if you decide to continue the relationship.

Original poster
Savannah80 · 15/07/2021 00:31

I’m tempted to say, ‘yes I’ll move in, just put me on the deeds first’ see how quickly ‘pieces of paper’ become important Wink But on a serious note, my head feels a lot clearer about things now, when it comes to moving in anyway.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 15/07/2021 00:32

Don't do it. Don't give up your son's secure home to live with a man who has made it very clear he does not do longterm commitment.

sadie9 · 15/07/2021 00:33

Keep your own house. That is your asset, you and your son's stability.
No commitment, no selling house.
It sounds like he just wants the added benefits, but it'd be you making the sacrifices and financially destabilising yourself in the process. The dynamic could quickly change.
What would you do with the proceeds of your house in the scenario where you sell?

UmbrellaDrops · 15/07/2021 00:37

Don't do it. Also, knowing that you thought the relationship would eventually result in marriage, and him not telling you it wasn't in the cards from the start, is a red flag.

Rainbowqueeen · 15/07/2021 00:56

Even if you keep your house and rent it out you are still running a huge risk. He can kick you out at any time. If your house is rented out where do you go? It is not easy to evict a tenant, it can cost thousands.

Why risk that kind of money and stability for a boyfriend. He benefits hugely from you moving in. I’m guessing he anticipates you doing childcare for him and sharing chores and bills equally.

And I agree, he absolutely knows what he is doing.

TwinsAndTrifle · 15/07/2021 01:00

it’s just a piece of paper

Ah, that's his line is it. Well, he shouldn't have any problems with you having it then. Why would he deny something so "trivial" to him, when he knows it means a lot to you.

GrimDamnFanjo · 15/07/2021 01:06

Don't do it.

As for the piece of paper, a good friend of mine was left penniless with four kids and no spousal support when her cheating shit of a partner dumped her after 20 yrs.

he'd always said they were too cool for marriage...

Micemakingclothes · 15/07/2021 01:12

Heck no

You believe in marriage. There is no reason for you to compromise on that belief.

Under no circumstances should you pursue a relationship and hope that he will change his mind. If this relationship continues you have to be 100% ok without it leading to marriage. If you are not, end it now.

willowmelangell · 15/07/2021 01:13

Have you suggested you both sell your houses and get somewhere together? (just to see his response)
I think you would find out very quickly wether he has selfish reasons for wanting you to move in or you have a genuine commited partnership.

Dontbeme · 15/07/2021 01:51

Better yet suggest he sells his house and pay for an extension to your home to accommodate his child, if he has his 50/50 it makes for less disruption than moving your child that you have full time.

ShopoholicIn · 15/07/2021 02:04

Rent your house don't sell it.. if he days he is not intending to marry then before it.. do you still want to be with him?

timeisnotaline · 15/07/2021 02:08

I think he potentially sees marriage as a financial issue should things go wrong (above anything else).
Lovely from the man who wants you to sell your house … being financially protected is a one way priority then, that’s not love.

Chunkymenrock · 15/07/2021 02:11

To me, marriage is a shackle that has ruined my life. Marriage is completely over rated. I know that's not particularly helpful, but I just felt a need to say it.

MissTrip82 · 15/07/2021 02:44

That’s fine chunky - feeling that marriage is wrong or fundamentally disagreeing with its nature is very very different from saying ‘it’s just a piece of paper’.

He’s not being asked to overcome an ethical aversion, just to be open to obtaining a piece of paper that he claims is meaningless but that carries meaning to the person he loves.

user1481840227 · 15/07/2021 03:02

Isn't it possible that this man is cautious because he wants to protect his own childrens future?
This is a common issue that couples face if they meet while both homeowners and parents!

Was he insistent on you selling the house and did he say what he thought you should do with the money? or could he just have assumed it would be sold and just not thought about the other options at the time of conversations?

Maggiesfarm · 15/07/2021 03:09

I don't think you should move in together. You are presumably all right as you are, why rock the boat? Having your own place is a good position to be in.

Many people say they don't see the point of marriage, especially if they've had unsuccessful relationship(s), and see marriages breaking down all around them. Very often they eventually do marry so I wouldn't worry about that. However keep your homes separate, your house is your private space, your sanctuary.

You could say to him that you have come round to the idea that marriage is not all it is cracked up to be but you like living with your child on your own for now. Just be cool and independent. He'll see you in a different light and respect you for that.

You can review the situation in a couple of years if you are still together. If he decides he wants more from the relationship resulting in you breaking up, sad though it might be, it will show that you are not right for each other.

Being together for a year is really not that long, especially the last year with all the restrictions. Combining households is a risky business, especially when children are involved.

I hope you have a happy life whatever happens.

firstonealong · 15/07/2021 06:01

Hes within his rights not to want to get married - the reasoning is very poor but that's his decision

Renting is a great option to protect current house and if you ensure finances are segregated and you absolutely get put on his mortgage with a set agreement then I don't see a problem

firstonealong · 15/07/2021 06:03

I don't see a problem with the finances I should say - his reaction and poor excuse tells me it's too soon

Billybagpuss · 15/07/2021 06:06

Rent your house, don’t sell and save as much of the proceeds as you can towards a pension.

Zari29 · 15/07/2021 06:13

Do not sell your house. Do not sell your house. Repeat.
And DO NOT sell even if you are engaged. An engagement is nothing legal and can be broken. You have worked so hard for your son, don't throw it away for a man who has clearly told you how he truly feels about marriage. You are not on the same wavelength.

ItsVousNotMoi · 15/07/2021 06:16

Do not sell your most important asset!!