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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve just messaged the OWs husband

314 replies

The6thQueen · 13/07/2021 11:24

Found out she’d called my husband again and asked him to set up another email account for them to talk. We’re over
But I’ve just forwarded her husband all their WhatsApp messages and images of her in the shower. Apparently she hadn’t told him the full story and they are starting IVF again shortly.
Im shaking and feel like a bitch, but I want her to hurt (and my stbxh) to hurt like I and my children are

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 13/07/2021 12:51

Did you tell her you had also sent messages to her husband? She might try to delete them from his phone.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/07/2021 12:52

So sorry op- you’re doing the right thing!

Rosewaitcarpark · 13/07/2021 12:52

Well done on reclaiming some of the agency that was taken away from you @The6thQueen

RunningFromInsanity · 13/07/2021 12:54

Classic MN, guy gets cheated on and yet he shouldn’t be told incase he suddenly turns into a domestic abuser Grin

nolovelost · 13/07/2021 12:55

Is there a chance she could get to his messages before he does and delete them?

What a bitch. Flowers

Original poster
The6thQueen · 13/07/2021 12:56

I don’t want him to go

OP posts:
SoniaD · 13/07/2021 12:56

Good for you!!

Original poster
The6thQueen · 13/07/2021 12:57

I’m not able to do this

OP posts:
Greenrubber · 13/07/2021 12:58

So sorry for your situation OP

Bluedeblue · 13/07/2021 12:59

Good for you! I have never understood why some women don't tell the OW husband. I'd be telling him and everyone I know.

userxx · 13/07/2021 12:59

@The6thQueen

I’m not able to do this
You can and you will. You deserve so much more than this.
abbeycafe · 13/07/2021 13:00

Well done you.

You are strong and you will be strong whatever. Show them you are not taking this lightly. You have your children to look after. Sod them, they knew what they were doing - everyone involved has a right to know. It will hurt her husband, but would hurt more if a child was conceived through IVF.

You have done what you needed to do. xx

Rosewaitcarpark · 13/07/2021 13:05

@The6thQueen

Found out she’d called my husband again and asked him to set up another email account for them to talk. We’re over But I’ve just forwarded her husband all their WhatsApp messages and images of her in the shower. Apparently she hadn’t told him the full story and they are starting IVF again shortly. Im shaking and feel like a bitch, but I want her to hurt (and my stbxh) to hurt like I and my children are
Is that how they communicate then? They share the log in details to an email account and read drafts?
Ladybug123 · 13/07/2021 13:05

I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. You and the other betrayed are the victims of these two and you both deserve the full truth of your lives. You did absolutely the right thing in telling him.

Please take care of yourself. I know you want him back, I know you want him to be the man he was but right now you’re dealing with a stranger. Treat him as such. Detach from him as much as you can.

Huge hug

userrname · 13/07/2021 13:06

Do you want to start another thread for support for the whole picture of what is going on? This thread will keep attracting comments about the messages. You sound like you’re really hurting right now. Sending you love xxx

mildlymiffed · 13/07/2021 13:07

You can do this. Remember he isn't who you thought he was. He has shown himself to be morally bankrupt and capable of hurting you in the most heinous of ways. You don't want to be with him, you want to be with the "old" husband.

But that "old" husband was a wolf in sheep's clothing...

He's shown his true colours and you can now leave him with the full knowledge of who he really is. And you will rise up, stronger than before. Because you're strong- hell, you're the woman who exposed this affair... you are so much stronger than you might currently feel Thanks

ChargingBuck · 13/07/2021 13:08

@The6thQueen

Found out she’d called my husband again and asked him to set up another email account for them to talk. We’re over But I’ve just forwarded her husband all their WhatsApp messages and images of her in the shower. Apparently she hadn’t told him the full story and they are starting IVF again shortly. Im shaking and feel like a bitch, but I want her to hurt (and my stbxh) to hurt like I and my children are
Well, if she can 'communicate' with your husband, I can't see how she could object to you communicating with hers, OP!

Her DH deserves to know the truth about his wife (assuming he didn't), & make his own decisions about how he handles it.

You deserve to get on the quickest, simplest track to emotional healing you can manage. Do you need me to tell you that dwelling on this shitshow, & the actors in it, is only gonna hold you back?

I hope you have found at least some catharsis in telling the truth (&, ok, taking control & hitting back. That's all ok too). Now put it behind you, you don't want to become obsessive - it'll just keep you off-track.

The track opens up to you when you are able to focus almost entirely on you & the DC, & dismiss DH & OW's lives for the tawdry messes they are.

You're not a bitch, you're a shocked & grieving human.
Hug your kids, & start dreaming of all the lovely things you can do to make a new life with them. Look FORWARD (that's where the track is), not BACK (that's where the lies, deceit & heartbreak are. You don't need to wallow in other people's shit.)

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/07/2021 13:11

@Doghead

Why?? She's been cheating on her husband with a married man. Why shouldn't she get what she deserves?

Even a beating?! Really?!

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 13/07/2021 13:11

💐

RonaldMcDonald · 13/07/2021 13:18

@The6thQueen
It feels impossible, I had my husband cheat many times. The pain in the beginning was unbearable. I so wanted it to work and I gave him chance after chance.
Eventually I realised I deserved better.

He was a great dad and very nice to me ( except for the endless fucking about ) and this confused me.
He was so careless/thoughtless with my feelings and love - this was where he was a bastard. But because he wasn’t mean or beating me I couldn’t make the move for ages
He made me feel I was breaking us up, I was over reacting

It took time but I’ve never regretted leaving
He’s still a great dad
Still very nice to me
I get to be in honest relationships that work for me now

All love

Theunamedcat · 13/07/2021 13:18

@The6thQueen

I’m not able to do this
Your stronger than you think and any man that does this is not lovely he is an arsehole you deserve so much more than this

The pain will go eventually it will take time do small steps one day one hour one minute at a time if needed

I'm so sorry things are shite right now

SofiaMichelle · 13/07/2021 13:18

OP, be extremely careful with regard to sharing images of someone naked.

Non-consensual sharing of intimate images is a crime and, depending on how batshit this OW is, it could now be used to get at you.

Onthedunes · 13/07/2021 13:19

Do you have any RL support op?

You are hurting and need help, talk to others, talk to the samaritans also.

You don't believe you will get through this, but you will. Believe us, your strength will come back to you and your anger will propell you forward.

Take care you are worth a million of them. People like that don't deserve people like you in their lives, you are so far above them.

Remember you are only ridding yourself of scum.

xx

Indoctro · 13/07/2021 13:21

What is your husband saying.? Does he want to be with OW.?

You say you don't want him to go, is there any chance of a future with him .? Maybe seeing a councillor and trying to work through it .?

Do you have kids together.?

FedNlanders · 13/07/2021 13:22

I've been there.

It hurts inside and out. Every inch of your body and mind.

But it DOES get better. Oh how it does. It really does. Xxx