I’ve just messaged the OWs husband

[The6thQueen]

Found out she’d called my husband again and asked him to set up another email account for them to talk. We’re over
But I’ve just forwarded her husband all their WhatsApp messages and images of her in the shower. Apparently she hadn’t told him the full story and they are starting IVF again shortly.
Im shaking and feel like a bitch, but I want her to hurt (and my stbxh) to hurt like I and my children are

@RunningFromInsanity

Classic MN, guy gets cheated on and yet he shouldn’t be told incase he suddenly turns into a domestic abuser

I thought that 😂😂

Why the hell are these people jumping to the conclusion the husband is a wife beater. Bizarre!

If she’s about to start IVF she’s been through a lot. Infertility can take its toll on MH.

I’m not defending her actions, just saying you don’t know her story.

Focus on you and your kids and let her love her life. Good luck

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@Doghead

Why?? She's been cheating on her husband with a married man. Why shouldn't she get what she deserves?

Even a beating?! Really?![/quote]
There's no bloody suggestion the husband is a wife beater.

Well.....apart from the man haters on here.

Get a bloody grip!

@Indoctro

What is your husband saying.? Does he want to be with OW.?

You say you don't want him to go, is there any chance of a future with him .? Maybe seeing a councillor and trying to work through it .?

Do you have kids together.?

Be very wary about reconciling with a cheater. Your relationship will never be the same again. Believe you me. And you'll always live with an element of mistrust. Which is a terrible way to live.

@user47000000000

If she’s about to start IVF she’s been through a lot. Infertility can take its toll on MH.

I’m not defending her actions, just saying you don’t know her story.

Focus on you and your kids and let her love her life. Good luck

Not op's problem

Some women like to portray their partners as brutes precisely in order to trigger the 'White Knight' protectiveness of their AP.

The OW in my situation insisted on meeting in coastal towns, or occasionally tucked away in dark corners of Tesco car park, because of what her partner might do if they were discovered. Certain other behaviours, however, strongly suggest she wasn't the least bit scared of discovery . . . 🙄

Good that you feel like a bitch @The6thQueen.
Not a bitch in the usual sense of the word but a powerhouse capable of fighting back.
Women are so programmed against taking this sort of action.
You've done exactly the right thing. While they've been faffing about thinking they're oh-so-clever with their pathetic affair, you've taken decisive action.

OP it’s done now (rightly) but now you need to find some way to allow the anger to subside and look to the future.

You don’t want him back, you want what you had back but that’s gone, irreparably damaged.

You need to pull yourself together for your children. You are their only anchor in this storm. It’s no longer about you, her or him, it’s about them.

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@Doghead

Why?? She's been cheating on her husband with a married man. Why shouldn't she get what she deserves?

Even a beating?! Really?![/quote]
She's not going to get a beating

user47000000000

MH problems are not a get out of jail free card. Her state of mind is irrelevant to the OP and to her children, who will be suffering their own PTSD from this.

What a pair of shits they both are.
Don’t blame you for contacting the ow’s husband, I’d want to know of my spouse was cheating.
Hold your head high OP, you’re better than the pair of them.

@The6thQueen

I’m not able to do this

And I don’t want him to go"".

@The6thQueen. I'd guess that the adrenaline of anger has been carrying you so far today, and now you're experiencing the comedown as that adrenaline dissipates. It's normal. It throws you, but it's to be expected. Think of it as a wildly swinging pendulum; it swings with the anger, and on its return it overshoots and you suddenly feel dismay and helplessness and paralysis. That's what you are experiencing right now. It WILL pass. You just need to let yourself stabilise for a bit. This is actually one of those occasions for a cup of tea - the familiar routine of preparing it, the concentrating on it and only it for a few minutes. Give yourself a little time. You've had one hell of a morning. ((hug))

[quote RonaldMcDonald]@The6thQueen
It feels impossible, I had my husband cheat many times. The pain in the beginning was unbearable. I so wanted it to work and I gave him chance after chance.
Eventually I realised I deserved better.

He was a great dad and very nice to me ( except for the endless fucking about ) and this confused me.
He was so careless/thoughtless with my feelings and love - this was where he was a bastard. But because he wasn’t mean or beating me I couldn’t make the move for ages
He made me feel I was breaking us up, I was over reacting

It took time but I’ve never regretted leaving
He’s still a great dad
Still very nice to me
I get to be in honest relationships that work for me now

All love[/quote]
Not a great dad.

Great dads don't treat the mother of their children badly

Glad you're doing better

I would imagine that if OP hubby knows she sent the messages then he'll tip OW off anyway and she'll try to get there before her old man to delete them.

@Nanny0gg sorry I should have been clearer, I was saying that in response to people saying OW 'deserves everything she gets' when people suggested an OW could be assaulted as a consequence. Not this specific woman.

What has your h said about this OP-?? Does he want to leave?? This is relevant as if you don’t want him to go and if he doesn’t want to leave then maybe it can be worked on. Personally I wouldn’t want him to stay but this is you , so what you think is what matters but depends where his head is- you can’t make him stay

OP are you the "californiasunsets" OP?

Someone who is about to start IVF with their lovely husband, whilst conducting an affair and farting around taking photos of herself in the shower whilst trying to set up secret email accounts is broken. You are not broken OP. You are hurt.

I will never understand how fucked up people can get, to do this to other women, to other children and people they are so bonded to that they marry and plan children with. There is a fundamental crack in their mind. OP, what you have done by sending those messages is NOTHING in comparison. Do not hate your life, you are about to get it back.

I am very sorry OP. Hope your anger subsides. I completely understand why you've done what you've done.

Is there any chance that you and your children could go on holiday - give yourself some time and space? My friend found out that her husband cheated and went on their holiday without him the next day, she said she found it a useful to be away from him

Why the hell are these people jumping to the conclusion the husband is a wife beater. Bizarre!

I know, it's worrying how many MNers jump to the conclusion that 'she deserves what she gets' translates to domestic violence

@LobotomisedIceSkatingFan

I really shouldn't have laughed at that typo, *@TableFlowerss*. But I did.

Lol as soon as I pressed post, I was like Noooooo 🙈 I’m sure my phone changes words 1 min later

I’ve just started another thread to separate this from the OW husband msge

My ex had an affair with a work colleague for 3 years. She was in a relationship with 2 children. I was bullied out of messaging her partner by my ex and the OW. To cover herself the OW told her partner I was nuts and accusing them of having an affair. Clearly he believed her, as he never contacted me to find out the truth. I think on some level he knew, but with children involved he did not want to bring it all crashing down.

At the time people urged me not to tell the OWs partner. Looking back part of me wishes I had of (I did have some proof) but also a part of me is glad I didn't.

I often wonder if one day I might get a message out of the blue from her partner. I'd quite like to. I feel no guilt, because I think he chose to remain in the dark.

The fact that she told these lies about me and my ex partner let her, ruined any chance we had of a decent relationship as parents to our grown up daughter. I know he is sad about this, but I cannot pretend this didn't happen.

You can do this op, take it minute by minute.
Good for you I would have done the same thing

@Nanny0gg
I meant he was present and hugely involved in the kids lives
He was a loving, thoughtful and a really hands on dad
He still is. His behaviour toward me never changed the father he was/is to the kids
We share 50/50 contact and he is accommodating, present, flexible - everything he should be as a father. He never breaches any parenting arrangements or boundaries and we have a great understanding.
We even holiday together with the kids - they are the one area where he always puts someone in front of himself

He is and was always apologetic but I could never understand why he kept giving himself permission to behave like that
He was just a shit husband.
He would ‘chase paper on a windy day’ as my granny would have said and that is true. It actually wasn’t personal - he has been like this in every romantic relationship since.
Weirdly I almost feel sorry for him now