I’ve just messaged the OWs husband

[The6thQueen]

Found out she’d called my husband again and asked him to set up another email account for them to talk. We’re over
But I’ve just forwarded her husband all their WhatsApp messages and images of her in the shower. Apparently she hadn’t told him the full story and they are starting IVF again shortly.
Im shaking and feel like a bitch, but I want her to hurt (and my stbxh) to hurt like I and my children are

We were supposed to be going on our anniversary holiday today

Good for you OP. To misquote a programme -

You’re the wolf tonight.

There’s no reason you should suffer quietly, and, if I were her husband, I’d be grateful for someone telling me.

I hope you can heal soon and move on from the worthless piece of shit your husband is. You’re a queen.

I am so sorry OP.. Has the OW husband read the messages

Not read them yet

I’ve sent them to her too

op
Focus on you and the kids now. It will get better.

I’m so sorry op. You are right though - your ‘lovely’ husband never existed. He has lied to you and treated you like shit. With time you will heal (I speak from experience).

@WhenISnappedAndFarted

@Nachorancho how have you jumped from the OP messaging her husband to him abusing her? Quite a leap.

I haven't - I have said I would be reluctant to do this through fear that it may happen - has has been sadly seen in many domestic abuse cases. I am not suggesting that the OW's DH will do the same

@SiobhanSharpe - I thought that a letter rather than stark reality of words (which will no doubt hurt the OW's DH) would be better than seeing everything in b/w

OP - apologies if this is distracting from your hurt and anguish. You have done what felt right for you and that is first step in emerging from this stronger - the best of luck

Blimey. Well done you. I sent 'my' OW a truly excoriating text, and one of my many, many paragraphs dealt with how livid I was that she pleaded with my bloke to make sure I didn't say anything to hers, when they were discovered. Cowardly, selfish bitch.

You're grieving OP for what you have and for your dreams. Be gentle on yourself. He's treated you horribly, concentrate on yourself and your children.

@Nachorancho

You must be very angry and upset OP. I feel for you, but in my opinion your anger should be with your (D)H not with this woman. What she has done is wrong but you do not have a "duty" to let her partner know. I seriously would be concerned about his repercussions if he has been lied to and would not want to be the one innocently responsible for causing the OW to be abused. Just my view and I know not shared by many. Telling him in a calm way - via letter or some such manner is better than sending private images and messages

What?! So because some men are arseholes she shouldn't have let him know? Unless there was a reason to suspect abuse it's a bit of a reach. I've suffered the realities of Dv so fully sympathise with people in that situation but still think he deserves to know

"but I want her to hurt (and my stbxh) to hurt like I and my children are"

It's your husband and the children's father you should be targeting. It's irrelevant who he betrayed you all with as HE alone is the one who has a responsibility to his family.

.

@Nachorancho I get what you're saying.

For me, the fact that she told him but not all of it and then tried to continue the affair would make me think she's not scared of him and he didn't do anything the first time so yes, I personally would send the messages on.

@The6thQueen Just want to say, I have been you and know exactly the pain and hurt you are feeling right now. Knowing you have to keep it together for the children will get you through. Dark days ahead but you will get through this and in years to come see it as a lucky escape. (Took me years of OW before I had the courage to say 'enough'. Trust me, there is light at the end of the tunnel.)

Oh OP, nothing to say but give you a virtual hug, you sound like you need it.xx

I'd want to know the whole unvarnished truth.

It's abhorrent to have an affair with someone you know to be married. Sending messages encouraging him to restart contact on a secret email, and photos of herself frolicking sexily in the shower, is abhorrent. OP doesn't want OW's life to remain intact, with plans for kids etc, while her own is in tatters. I do not blame her one iota.

@dworky

"but I want her to hurt (and my stbxh) to hurt like I and my children are"

It's your husband and the children's father you should be targeting. It's irrelevant who he betrayed you all with as HE alone is the one who has a responsibility to his family.

Disagree.

Yes, target her husband.

But we as individuals do have a moral responsibility towards others. So If I knowingly have an affair with a married man, I'd have so expect some repercussions if we got caught out. Luckily I'm a decent moral human being so wouldn't ever get involved in that shit.

@The6thQueen

I’ve just packed everything that’s his into his car

Good, now as he keeps away which he will do if he thinks he has an angry husband on his back, get some RL support round to help you with the finanacials, you are in shock and must eat, drink and sleep as much as possible.

I would assume the ow will be ok , I doubt if her husband was such an abuser she would have had the bottle to conduct such an affair behind his back.

Most abused women would be terrified to do this, I could be wrong.

You did the right thing, he needed to know, going into IVF, it's not a good start is it ? her proclaiming to rather have someone elses child.

Horrible woman.
And your horrible husband who you clearly deserve better than.

for you

@LobotomisedIceSkatingFan

It's abhorrent to have an affair with someone you know to be married. Sending messages encouraging him to restart contact on a secret email, and photos of herself frolicking sexily in the shower, is abhorrent. OP doesn't want OW's life to remain intact, with plans for kids etc, while her own is in tatters. I do not blame her one iota.

Totally agree.

[quote Nachorancho]@WhenISnappedAndFarted

@Nachorancho how have you jumped from the OP messaging her husband to him abusing her? Quite a leap.

I haven't - I have said I would be reluctant to do this through fear that it may happen - has has been sadly seen in many domestic abuse cases. I am not suggesting that the OW's DH will do the same

@SiobhanSharpe - I thought that a letter rather than stark reality of words (which will no doubt hurt the OW's DH) would be better than seeing everything in b/w

OP - apologies if this is distracting from your hurt and anguish. You have done what felt right for you and that is first step in emerging from this stronger - the best of luck[/quote]
I seriously would be concerned about his repercussions if he has been lied to and would not want to be the one innocently responsible for causing the OW to be abused.

@Nachorancho The abuser is always the one responsible for perpetrating the abuse. No one else 'makes' them and OP would in no way be 'innocently responsible' (whatever that might mean) for the OW's husband abusing her if he did that. It would be completely on him, no excuses.

OP, I think he deserves to know the truth. You put yourself first now.

I'm another of hundreds of women on here whose ex husband had an affair so I'm sorry for how you are hurting right now...it's awful.

We also respond to things like this differently and I don't think there is a blanket right or wrong. I certainly don't think you owe her anything.

I put all my anger into him and into keeping any strength and dignity I had left into making sure our (devastated) children were as ok as possible but I did notice that she blocked me from any social media so the thought of her worrying I would tell her OH was enough for me and he found out anyway and then my ex husband cheated on her too eventually so if I believed in karma then it definitely had its day.

Hopefully her OH will do what she deserves and leave her but just be prepared that he might not, for whatever reason. All you can control is yourself x

Her husband isn’t abusive - he’s a lovely man, she admits it herself in her messages to my husband

He doesn’t deserve to be married to such a bitch