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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve just messaged the OWs husband

314 replies

The6thQueen · 13/07/2021 11:24

Found out she’d called my husband again and asked him to set up another email account for them to talk. We’re over
But I’ve just forwarded her husband all their WhatsApp messages and images of her in the shower. Apparently she hadn’t told him the full story and they are starting IVF again shortly.
Im shaking and feel like a bitch, but I want her to hurt (and my stbxh) to hurt like I and my children are

OP posts:
Peakypolly · 13/07/2021 23:27

TBH she sounds deranged thinking that was an acceptable comment to make to you.
Continue to behave in any way that enables you to survive this shitty situation. Flowers

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/07/2021 00:20

Wow....she really is a piece of work isnt she?

Has her husband seen your messages?

PurpleFlower1983 · 14/07/2021 00:32

Wow, what a bitch!!

Wheretobuy · 14/07/2021 01:11

This is batshit crazy. What an appalling thing to say to you! I am sure your DH is loving how two women are fighting over him. Hmm prick!

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 14/07/2021 01:59

There is obviously something very wrong with this woman. She wanted to keep in touch in case things didn’t work out with their marriages. That’s a load of shit for a start, she was going to keep up contact with a view to continuing the affair.
I can’t believe anyone actually thinks her DH doesn’t have the right to know what a deceitful dirty bitch he’s married to. He’s going about happy as Larry, starting IVF with his wonderful wife, but she’s not wonderful not even close. He absolutely deserves to be told so he can make an informed decision on what he does now. I’m assuming he wouldn’t want to go ahead with IVF knowing he could potentially end up with a child with this woman, who most likely would be dropping her knickers for someone else within the next couple of months/years.
I would want to know if my DH was cheating, I’d want to see every painful detail as that would make my decision to kick him out on his arse and take him for every cent SO much easier.
Op you totally did the right thing, you can see by the replies most of us are right behind you.

QueenBee52 · 14/07/2021 02:17

She's a cow 🌸

NeonDreams · 14/07/2021 02:57

Wow.... WOW! She really DOES deserve (sans violence before anyone says anything) all she gets. How do you get the guts to speak to a wife like that? That isn't just brass nerves, that is some type of sociopathic narcissism or something.

arcof · 14/07/2021 04:33

Don't spend one minute feeling bad about it.

HoppingPavlova · 14/07/2021 05:13

Has her DH even seen your messages? Seems they are in a folder he wouldn’t necessarily be alerted to and now she knows and could possibly remediate that? Have you tried to friend/contact him to ensure your screenshots got through? If I was about to commence IVF with someone I’d definitely want to be aware of this so I could make an informed choice for myself moving forward.

3scape · 14/07/2021 09:29

She's a woman, who is cold. Deliberately or just not feeling empathy for the impact of her actions and not able to take ownership. I think it's a side effect of the defunct 'cool girl' shit of the 90s. It's not OK to go around as though people's emotions don't get hurt through affairs. Sex can be casual but that needs open negotiation, by all - essentially all party consent. Anyone implying 'You have no right' to express your anger, to share facts is just on the side of that 'cool girl' crap that is just sexism with a mask on. Emotional intelligence is not setting up your back up option.
There are plenty of posters who will behave as though two cheating on their marriages is aok but obviously that's their moral compass for a reason. Maybe their parents demonstrated disloyalty as normal, maybe they are merely affectionate rather than loving. But telling other people they are in the wrong for being emotionally honest is all sorts of messed up.

Ilady · 14/07/2021 09:34

She actually said that to you. Does she think that she can have both men on the go until she decides who is a better bet?
Does she think it's a good idea to go into IVF with her husband and be having sex with your husband?
She knew your husband was married and has kids and she still met him for sex on the coast ect. A decent woman would just walk away once they know the man is married.
I know it was horrible to find out about your husband. I would have done the same in regards to her husband as he deserves to know what she is up to before they go into IVF. Your husband and her are a horrible pair and they deserve they get.

I would be getting all financial information ect together and getting legal advice about a divorce.

Rosewaitcarpark · 14/07/2021 09:45

@The6thQueen

She actually said that to me, as if, if she calmly and reasonably explained it to me, it would be fine and be understandable and ok. The woman is fucked up beyond belief, and this is who he threw me over for Sad
I am categorically not making any excuses for him here @The6thQueen. I wanted to post this because I can feel your frustration and disbelief at his choices when you compare yourself to her. Why on earth would he choose someone like that over you? Well, I can think of a couple of people I met in the past (friends, not partners) who seemed charming, amazing people initially and who turned out to be completely fucked up the more I got to know them. I can only assume they had learned the best way to act to achieve what they wanted, only for the mask to be dropped when the goal had been achieved. I suspect you've seen the real her, but she will be keeping up her act around the men in her life.
Original poster
The6thQueen · 14/07/2021 10:01

Thanks for this Rose. I have met people like this too and I think you are right about her.
What hard work it must be to keep up that facade and how awful for her husband.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 14/07/2021 12:09

Blimey- my attitude would be that he’s welcome to her!! Try and find where her husband works and send him a letter

Original poster
The6thQueen · 14/07/2021 12:10

He’s a paramedic @Crikeyalmighty, I wouldn’t even know where to begin with getting a letter to him

OP posts:
bigbadbedknobs · 14/07/2021 13:54

the husband absolutely needs to know what his wife is up to, even without IVF in the picture. He is risking STDs if he doesn't know [as are you, God knows how many people your stbx has stuck his dick into and whether they are all clean, and how many people whose dick has been stuck into the OW. People do get infected and I know how awful it is to have to go and get it checked out but better than not knowing that you need to
Send a letter to the poor husband via the hospital if your messages are not seen perhaps

Maggiesfarm · 14/07/2021 15:14

@The6thQueen

I didn’t cover myself in glory - I telephoned her earlier. She told me she only asked for the email to have a way for them to contact each in one case either of their marriages didn’t work out in a few months time. I’d want to know this is the kind of woman I’m about to have a baby with…
I totally understand that.

I do wonder if your message has reached her husband, is there any way she could intercept it? Just a thought. I imagine he would respond to you if he does receive it.

There is another possibility; that he knows about her and your husband, ie that they are still in touch and speak affectionately, but chooses not to, at least for the time being. You'd be surprised how many people are prepared to turn a blind eye.

I hope all works out for you, I really do.

QueenBee52 · 17/07/2021 04:22

@The6thQueen

how are you 🌸

Original poster
The6thQueen · 17/07/2021 22:06

Not good @QueenBee52. Surviving each day, generally haven’t got a clue what I’m doing.

I’m very tired and low tonight. Life is pretty shit Sad and I am deeply unhappy.

OP posts:
Original poster
The6thQueen · 17/07/2021 22:10

I am struggling with how anyone can hurt someone else so badly

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 17/07/2021 22:24

People are very selfish and justify it as “true love”. Dh is motor trade and I’ve seen his colleagues leave their wives then go crawling back when it turns out not to be a fairy tale after all.

He’s had time to prepare too, you’ve had the rug pulled out from under you so you’re on the back foot.

QueenBee52 · 17/07/2021 22:29

@The6thQueen

Not good *@QueenBee52*. Surviving each day, generally haven’t got a clue what I’m doing.

I’m very tired and low tonight. Life is pretty shit Sad and I am deeply unhappy.

Im so sorry... please don't feel you're alone.. come online to Mumsnet there is always someone around.. you can vent .. repeat yourself.. mull over things.. this is this place to do it 🌺

Onthedunes · 17/07/2021 22:30

I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad, sending you hugs tonight and understanding.

You have every right to feel hurt by your husband and this excuse for a woman. You are feeling low and no doubt soon you will be angry, it's a cycle that keeps repeating, but may I say do not take any guilt for your actions, this will make you feel depressed.

You have done nothing wrong so find your anger and let that energise you into action when you are ready.

In the meantime, please be kind to yourself and really look after yourself, you deserve it, keep eating, drinking and as much sleep as poss.

Take care
Flowers for you

WhiskeyGalore212 · 17/07/2021 22:39

If he a paramedic and you have any idea which health & care Trust he works for, you could just send him a letter at the ambulance/paramedic building at that trust, labelled confidential.

EspressoDoubleShot · 17/07/2021 22:57

Bow out gracefully. Leave her husband alone.leave ow alone.
Prioritise yourself
Don’t write to or contact her husband it’s not your role to save him or tell him what his wife does. You’ll simply look bulgy eyed & spurned