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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve just messaged the OWs husband

314 replies

The6thQueen · 13/07/2021 11:24

Found out she’d called my husband again and asked him to set up another email account for them to talk. We’re over
But I’ve just forwarded her husband all their WhatsApp messages and images of her in the shower. Apparently she hadn’t told him the full story and they are starting IVF again shortly.
Im shaking and feel like a bitch, but I want her to hurt (and my stbxh) to hurt like I and my children are

OP posts:
frigglerock · 13/07/2021 14:57

If I were her husband, I'd want to know. Their potential future child would be born into an awful situation, a marriage almost certainly destined to fail. It's valuable information. He deserves to know the truth, and she (and your husband) deserve the consequences of their selfish choices.

TheTallOakTrees · 13/07/2021 14:58

@MoreAloneTime

Better he knows before more children are potentially brought into a shitshow
This.

Well done @The6thQueen your shirty partner and awful woman don't care about you. Her poor partner needs to know pre pregnancy

JustCallMeBubblesDahling · 13/07/2021 14:59

I don’t think sending pictures of his own wife back to her husband as evidence that she’s been having an affair is ‘distributing revenge porn’.

OP please ignore the keyboard trolls that get off on sticking the knife in. You are perfectly reasonable to be utterly devastated and distressed in this situation and act accordingly. We are only human.

I sincerely hope your scumbag of an H and his skank get their comeuppance and you realise you are better than and better off without him. They do both deserve everything they get. To deliberately cause immense pain to someone you are supposed to love (including the children of who OW knew existed I presume) is an unforgivable act.

With regards to PP saying her H may be abusive, I have read threads on here from cheating women who say their H’s were abusive and they couldn’t escape as a reason for having an affair, often with a man who was married himself. I’ve always been a bit Hmm about that as surely an affair would be the last thing on your mind as if you were so terrified of your H that you couldn’t leave him, then you’d be even more terrified of him finding out you were cheating on him if he was abusive. It’s a convenient way to absolve themselves I suppose which no one is allowed to question Hmm.

TheTallOakTrees · 13/07/2021 15:01

@BrozTito

Nice to see the usual moral cowards and cheater apologists (when its a woman) are here to pick apart op in their anguish.Well done op, I wish more had the guts to do this
Indeed, ignore the apologist brigade @The6thQueen natural consequences of cheating
frigglerock · 13/07/2021 15:01

It wouldn't even cross my mind that her husband might kill her. Confused

If she's married to a man violent and unstable enough to pose a physical risk, she's been incredibly stupid to have an affair, get caught by the wife, and then keep chasing after the man (requesting an email address so they can continue communication).

You reap what you sow, etc., etc.

ChargingBuck · 13/07/2021 15:17

@Diamonddusty

There’s no risk of him being violent? I know if I were to have an affair my DH would harm me, maybe worse. I know it’s a crappy thing to do but I’m not sure someone deserves to be killed for it although mumsnet will probably think otherwise.
& you stay with him? Why?

The fact that you mitigate the risk by not having affairs is beside the point.
The point being - he believes he owns you, & if another man touches his wife's body (not your body, to his mind) he is entitled to damage it.

How can you live with such stinking possessiveness & misogyny?

Diamonddusty · 13/07/2021 15:20

Because can you imagine what he’d be like to divorce?!
He’s always been quite clear, I’m his. If he catches another man with me he’ll be going to prison for double murder - that’s what he says.

NeonDreams · 13/07/2021 15:23

OP, well done! Though if the OW knows you sent messages to her husband she will intercept them, so probably better to find another way to contact him as well, to make sure he gets it. Like to his workplace but marked to him and Private and Confidential on the envelope. If sent to home address she'll probably get that, too.

NeonDreams · 13/07/2021 15:23

@Diamonddusty I know if I were to have an affair my DH would harm me, maybe worse.

Wtf? Why are you with your DH if you know this? Even if you choose not to have an affair, that your husband is that violent and unstable makes me wonder why you'd even want to be with such a man.

NeonDreams · 13/07/2021 15:24

@Diamonddusty

Because can you imagine what he’d be like to divorce?! He’s always been quite clear, I’m his. If he catches another man with me he’ll be going to prison for double murder - that’s what he says.
I can imagine divorce would be a dream, compared to living with a pos like that who has no love or respect for you!
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 13/07/2021 15:27

Actually if he is that dangerous she'd be better off going to the police and getting proper advice and protection

ChargingBuck · 13/07/2021 15:29

@Diamonddusty

Because can you imagine what he’d be like to divorce?! He’s always been quite clear, I’m his. If he catches another man with me he’ll be going to prison for double murder - that’s what he says.
Yes, I can well imagine.

My exH used to tell me he'd kill me if I ever left him.

Reader ... I divorced him.
5 terrifying months of life-threatening horror, & then ... he shacked up with another bird Grin Grin Grin

At one point, I realised that it was quite literally, a fight for "freedom or death". It was no longer bearable to be under his coercive control, financial abuse, & wilful alcoholism.

I'm not looking to upset you.
Just to ask you to consider that your life belongs to you, not him.

CovidCorvid · 13/07/2021 15:30

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@Doghead

Why?? She's been cheating on her husband with a married man. Why shouldn't she get what she deserves?

Even a beating?! Really?![/quote]
Who said anything about a beating? I read it as deserves to have her relationship implode like the OP.

ScrollingLeaves · 13/07/2021 15:40

How horribly upsetting for you and your children. I hope you will be all right.

PesterLauder · 13/07/2021 15:42

I'm going against the grain here. I don't see how hurting someone else will do you or your children any good at all? It was none of your business, you should have dealt with your own side only.

LtDansleg · 13/07/2021 15:43

@PesterLauder

I'm going against the grain here. I don't see how hurting someone else will do you or your children any good at all? It was none of your business, you should have dealt with your own side only.
It was none of her business??! 🤣🤣
fromdownwest · 13/07/2021 15:45

I agree that sending the images is potentially revenge porn and dangerous ground to be treading.

Give them as little abilty to manouvere, sending the images is a bad move I would say.

Think with your head, it is hard to do when hurt, but it is the only way to .

'Revenge Porn is the sharing of private, sexual materials, either photos or videos, of another person
without their consent and with the purpose of causing embarrassment or distress. The images are
sometimes accompanied by personal information about the subject, including their full name, address and
links to their social media profiles.
The offence applies both online and offline and to images which are shared electronically or in a more
traditional way so includes the uploading of images on the internet, sharing by text and e-mail, or showing
someone a physical or electronic image.'

PesterLauder · 13/07/2021 15:50

@LtDansleg
Thanks for your articulate message. What goes on in the OW's marriage is nothing to do with OP. I agree OP has been badly treated but she's hurting someone else to make herself feel better.

Lexocet · 13/07/2021 15:52

@PesterLauder

I'm going against the grain here. I don't see how hurting someone else will do you or your children any good at all? It was none of your business, you should have dealt with your own side only.
Says a rational mind not in the throes of a betrayal...
PesterLauder · 13/07/2021 15:54

@Lexocet
Is this not a public forum where the OP is posting for opinions? Forgive me if I'm wrong but we're allowed to have differing points of view.

Lexocet · 13/07/2021 16:00

[quote PesterLauder]@Lexocet
Is this not a public forum where the OP is posting for opinions? Forgive me if I'm wrong but we're allowed to have differing points of view.[/quote]
Trying to gently point out that OP should not be made to feel bad about her choice of action. What you think she should have done or not done is based in rational thought - i.e. because you're not the one in the middle of a betrayal.
Personally, I'm a big fan of keeping your emotions in check for as long as it takes to then embark upon a cold, hard, measured and directed course of revenge.. I mean action ... designed to inflict the maximum amount of suffering on those who have cheated ... but that's just me.

JamieLeeBee · 13/07/2021 16:00

I'm sorry you're going through this, but I'd like to thank you for being brave and messaging her husband.

I've been in 2 long term relationships, 1 at 7 years, 1 at over 3 and with a child. Both of those losers were cheats. And I found out people knew with both of them and nobody told me. That was more hurtful than the cheating itself in the end.

He might not straight away, but one day this man will be very thankful for you. I could have saved myself years of hurt if anyone had come forward both times for me.

RubyGoat · 13/07/2021 16:06

[quote PesterLauder]@LtDansleg
Thanks for your articulate message. What goes on in the OW's marriage is nothing to do with OP. I agree OP has been badly treated but she's hurting someone else to make herself feel better.[/quote]
I wouldn’t view it as hurting someone else. I’d view it as potentially preventing him from further hurt - by stopping him from having a baby with someone who is cheating on him.

PesterLauder · 13/07/2021 16:07

Sorry but stopping someone having a baby is not your call (or the OP's).

ChargingBuck · 13/07/2021 16:08

[quote PesterLauder]@LtDansleg
Thanks for your articulate message. What goes on in the OW's marriage is nothing to do with OP. I agree OP has been badly treated but she's hurting someone else to make herself feel better.[/quote]
When what's going on in OP's own marriage is the insertion of her husband's penis into someone else's, it's very much OP's business!