Wearing ring on ring finger - dp asked me not to

[DefinitelyNotAHastyNameChange]

Would this bother you/ would you find it a bit odd?

I’ve been with DP for about a year. I think it’s pretty serious - we’ve both met each other’s kids and friends. We’re making plans to do holidays etc. soonish so we both think we have a future although we wouldn’t be able to move in together for a few years due to DC’s and jobs. I’ve also made it clear that I would rather set myself on fire than get married again.

Anyway, I don’t really wear jewellery much. I used to wear my wedding and engagement ring when I was married but don’t anymore obviously. Recently a relative died and one of the things she left me was a ring that I’d coveted for years. This ring is only big enough to fit on my ring finger. I normally wear it on my right hand but I’m a fiddler and quite often end up with it on my left hand.

DP has asked me to please not wear the ring on my left hand as some of his friends have made assumptions (although they’ve never mentioned it when I’ve been there) and he thinks it’s awkward having to explain that I just like wearing a ring on that finger.

It’s not that unusual, is it? I don’t want to marry him, pretty sure he doesn’t ever want to marry me. I don’t understand why he can’t just tell anyone that questions it that it’s not an engagement ring, it doesn’t look anything like a traditional one anyway. Would this annoy you?

@DefinitelyNotAHastyNameChange

Thanks aquamarine1029 that was my thought exactly. I told him that I’m not planning on taking it off and he just had a bit of a strop telling me that he’d never asked me to do anything for him before (which is true, tbf) and there was no reason I couldn’t just put it on my right hand instead.

This is manipulative behaviour starting to show.

Playing on the fact that he hasn't tried to control you before. I can guarantee if you do as he asks it won't be the last time he does it.

Ditch him, keep your pretty ring.

@Sparklingbrook

I'm simply pointing out the structural reality of the institution of marriage and its associated traditions. Some couple do manage to transcend this and have equal relationships of course. But it's not the majority. Sorry if that makes you uncomfortable and I'm happy for you if you have a truly equal marriage.

@DefinitelyNotAHastyNameChange though I can't stand controlling men I think in this instance your DP is not being controlling at all though I don't believe his friends have asked him about it - in fact you are the controlling one here and you're goady with it as well...

You say you constantly fiddle with the ring, why, does it not fit properly? And somehow it always ends up on your left ring finger and not your right - what a coincidence - when you were married I assume you were still a fiddler so did your engagement and wedding rings always end up on your right ring finger then? Your husband might have genuinely asked if people would have thought you were already divorced...

You know you're doing this deliberately to wind him up for some odd reason and only you know why. Grow up and act your age and stop playing mind games. Either wear it on your right ring finger or get it resized.

Just to add, from the opposite angle, I don't wear a ring at all. I have been married for 20 years. DH has never asked that I wear one. If he did and I posted here I could imagine all the replies being about how he doesn't get to decide that I should wear a ring. Equally, OP, nobody gets to decide that you shouldn't wear a ring. Your ring. On your finger.

@Unsoliciteddeckpic

Why are people pretending that it's not still largely considered the finger you wear engagement and weddings rings on?

Or pretending they didn't know engagment rings were still a thing?

Whatever, your feelings are I dot get the point pretending it's not a thing .

Yes, I don't get it either. I see enough new shiny engagement rings on Instagram engagement announcements to know that they are still very much a 'thing'. Also going down on one knee to propose and sticking that on Instagram too.

What's the point of pretending to think it's not a 'thing'?

I agree @Unsoliciteddeckpic and @Sparklingbrook

[quote WaterBottle123]@Sparklingbrook

I'm simply pointing out the structural reality of the institution of marriage and its associated traditions. Some couple do manage to transcend this and have equal relationships of course. But it's not the majority. Sorry if that makes you uncomfortable and I'm happy for you if you have a truly equal marriage. [/quote]
I'm not uncomfortable. Why would I be? I am very happy with my choices.

@toastantea

Just to add, from the opposite angle, I don't wear a ring at all. I have been married for 20 years. DH has never asked that I wear one. If he did and I posted here I could imagine all the replies being about how he doesn't get to decide that I should wear a ring. Equally, OP, nobody gets to decide that you shouldn't wear a ring. Your ring. On your finger.

Married 12 years and don’t wear a ring. Is that ok with the traditionalists on here? And if so, why is it not ok to wear a different ring on that particular finger? I don’t have a ‘ring finger’. I just have fingers, and I can put what I want on them (or otherwise).

Married 12 years and don’t wear a ring. Is that ok with the traditionalists on here?

We've been married nearly double that, DH doesn't wear a ring he didn't want one, I do because I wanted one (maybe that makes me a traditionalist). It's all good.
Everyone has their own opinions, just like all things.

I don’t get at all why you do this. If your partner says it makes him uncomfortable then why would you continue? He could easily be the poster here saying my partner continually puts a ring on her wedding finger and people then think we are engaged and this makes me uncomfortable. I think it’s odd you do this and even odder that you think the issue is with him. I can totally see why a ring on that finger would provoke people to think you were engaged.

It clearly is ‘a thing’.

The point is that that doesn’t make it law or a moral imperative.

Even though it is ‘a thing’ the OP should be able to do her ‘own thing’ and the boyfriend should be able to laugh and say ‘nope, she just likes wearing rings in whatever finger she fancies. Why are you so interested? Wanting to know of she’s available? You should be so lucky’.

We don’t have to be ruled by social convention if there is no detrimental affect to anyone else.

@LunaNorth

tell him to tell his friends you are a ring fiddler

Blimey, they’ll all want to marry you, OP

Can you get it resized for your middle finger and repeatedly show him?

@Marchitectmummy

It's a bit odd isn't it, 9 digits that mean nothing but it ends up on the one that does. Only you know why it ends up on your finger but if you are really perplexed why your partner of 1 year isn't happy with it, well nor would I be.

Not really. It won't fit on all 10 digits. It fits two fingers, one on left hand and one on right. And she moves it between them.

Interesting how OP hasn't returned to comment and there are quite a few posts saying that she is in the wrong though

There are quite a few saying she's in the right as well.

OP it's not difficult for him to say "No we're not engaged" or "She inherited the ring and that's the finger it fits on" or "She can wear what she likes" or "It's none of your business"

I haven't worn my wedding ring for years (I started to get dry, itchy skin underneath it, had a job that meant I couldn't wear rings, fingers got a bit fatter, now I think I've lost it) but the amount of men who get offended because I'm married and not wearing it is unbelievable. One of them told me it was 'false advertising' not to wear a ring if you're married.

I'm very firmly in the 'fuck off, I'll wear (or not wear) whatever I like" camp.

Maybe speak to your partner about why he's so bothered though OP. There's something going on with him there that it might be best to get to the bottom of.

Why would he feel awkward about explaining you inherited a ring you like and so you are wearing it to his friends but have no qualms about telling you that you can't wear it on your left hand because his friends have noticed it? Is he like that about other things, worried what other people would think, people-pleasing others at your expense?

In the case of a ring then yes - he possibly sees it as a desire to be married etc and yes people may think she is engaged but hey let's take it to the usual extreme of some people here

She’s been very clear that she doesn’t want to get married, so his ‘impression’ is only in his head. She doesn’t need to dress differently to change that. Women have a mouth, we can ask for what we want, no one needs to make assumptions based on what we wear.

@Unsoliciteddeckpic

Why are people pretending that it's not still largely considered the finger you wear engagement and weddings rings on?

Or pretending they didn't know engagment rings were still a thing?

Whatever, your feelings are I dot get the point pretending it's not a thing .

Yes, I agree. But whenever there's an actual interesting debate/discussion to be had, there are always a huge chunk of people who feign complete astonishment that other opinions could possibly exist. Simplistic "shut down" arguments aren't as clever or as persuasive as people seem to think.

@GiantHaystacks2021

Well, he's showing that he certainly does not want a commitment to you.

I'd bin him, personally.

That's nonsense. They have both said they don't wish to marry, so commitment in terms of marriage is off the cards. You can commit without marriage you know.

The future of "wedding rings" seems very uncertain, and I can completely understand why. But the current existence of them is pretty clear cut.

I don’t get at all why you do this. If your partner says it makes him uncomfortable then why would you continue?

Because it is OP ring and OP finger 🤷🏻‍♀️

I agree with some people, Op is playing games. Why would having it on the right hand cause you to fiddle with it?

Agree too that you can wear what you want, where you want though.

My DP bought me a ring for a significant birthday as I have very little nice jewellery. It looks very much like an engagement ring. It only fits on my ring finger on either hand. As I’m right handed, I prefer it on my left hand (LOVE a previous posters comment on left hand pretty, hand hand for fighting 😂).

Several people have made assumptions/asked. We understand this; it’s the finger most people have for engagement rings and it looks like one. Both DP and I have happily said it’s just a birthday gift not an engagement ring, and people are fine/look confused/make a few comments as they choose. It doesn’t happen after the first occasion and now all our friends know it’s just a bloody bit of jewellery and it’s never mentioned. We aren’t attention seeking, we just couldn’t give a rats ass which finger it fits best.

OP, presumably he’s now corrected his friend’s assumptions so I don’t understand what his issue is. If they repeatedly ask after seeing it several times, they are the problem. If he’s still banging on about it after his friends are fine, then looking at it on that finger is his problem and you need to address that. He’s upset that strangers assume you are engaged/can see a visible symbol of “commitment” and THAT is an issue that may bite further down the line.

@worktrip

I agree with some people, Op is playing games. Why would having it on the right hand cause you to fiddle with it?

Agree too that you can wear what you want, where you want though.

How is she playing games if she's made it clear she doesn't ever want to get married.

Of course if OP wears the ring on her right hand, then won’t her boyfriends mates all think she’s a nun and married to God. Because traditionally that’s what the ring on the right hand symbolises.
Then her poor boyfriend will be even more embarrassed explaining that. 🙄

Such a dilemma🙄 not.

I’d wear the ring on whichever finger I chose.

If I was seeing someone who made it very clear they didn't want to entertain the idea of getting married again, but then a ring started appearing on their third finger on their left hand, I've got to be honest I would find that a bit weird.

I am seeing someone whose divorced and if he started wearing what looked like a wedding ring again I'd be bringing that up immediately as I'd be really hurt and I'd feel embarrassed if people started noticing, assuming I was staying with someone who was sending flipping massive signals they hadn't really moved on.

What I wouldn't do however is make up a weak story about my mates possibly noticing and asking questions. I would want to understand if there was anything behind my partner's choices though.