Wearing ring on ring finger - dp asked me not to

[DefinitelyNotAHastyNameChange]

Would this bother you/ would you find it a bit odd?

I’ve been with DP for about a year. I think it’s pretty serious - we’ve both met each other’s kids and friends. We’re making plans to do holidays etc. soonish so we both think we have a future although we wouldn’t be able to move in together for a few years due to DC’s and jobs. I’ve also made it clear that I would rather set myself on fire than get married again.

Anyway, I don’t really wear jewellery much. I used to wear my wedding and engagement ring when I was married but don’t anymore obviously. Recently a relative died and one of the things she left me was a ring that I’d coveted for years. This ring is only big enough to fit on my ring finger. I normally wear it on my right hand but I’m a fiddler and quite often end up with it on my left hand.

DP has asked me to please not wear the ring on my left hand as some of his friends have made assumptions (although they’ve never mentioned it when I’ve been there) and he thinks it’s awkward having to explain that I just like wearing a ring on that finger.

It’s not that unusual, is it? I don’t want to marry him, pretty sure he doesn’t ever want to marry me. I don’t understand why he can’t just tell anyone that questions it that it’s not an engagement ring, it doesn’t look anything like a traditional one anyway. Would this annoy you?

Wouldn’t bother my DP in the slightest - and I’m sure it wouldn’t have done when we first met either.

My left ring finger is shrivelled from many years of wearing my wedding ring on it, so even now I’m divorced, that finger is slightly smaller than the equivalent right hand one. My mum’s engagement ring only fits on the left hand so if I ever want to wear that it has to be on that finger. DP thinks it’s lovely that I wear it to remind me of my mum. Wouldn’t dream of telling me not to. But then I guess if friends started asking him about it and he had to say that we weren’t engaged in front of them he’d probably find that awkward. If it was out of my earshot then I don’t think he’d be bothered. He’d just put them straight but I know it would be more difficult with me there to say we’re not engaged and not planning to be!

HIBU so just wear the ring. If he’s so horrified that someone might think he’d want to marry you then dump him anyway!

I have a ring that I do exactly this with, it changes between right and left hand ring fingers, as it is a teeny bit big on my right hand and it can sometimes start to slip so I swap it over. No one has ever mentioned it, and if they did I would tell them the truth, that I treated myself to it years ago and then lost weight so now it only fits properly on my left hand!

No biggie!

It's not about people misinterpreting the significance of the ring. It's a pretty logical assumption to make (even if wrong).

It's about the rationale for avoiding it. What is the need to avoid it?
If you are in a strong relationship with someone, does it matter if strangers assume you are married, or engaged, or for that matter, lovers? People will make countless assumptions about you in life and you'll go crazy if you try to stop them doing so.

The closest thing I can relate this to, is someone who might wear a crucifix, and people assuming it's a religious thing. Should they avoid wearing one? are they trying to mislead others into thinking they might be religious? (that said, there are a whole other debate on the banning of them at work!).

Or if she wore a Sari, and someone wrongly assumed she was Indian and he asked her to stop wearing it, what would that imply?

In have a ring that like you I swap between fingers - without even realising it. Just ignore him

@CorianderBee

Even my gran's engagement ring which is a v traditional engagement style.

I bet it is exquisite, vintage is so lovely.

My DH and his mates would never notice what jewelry I wore and where. If I stopped wearing my wedding rings I would bet good money that it would take months for my DH to notice. I think it's interesting that your bfs mates notice this stuff. And I'm like you, I'd defo continue wearing it on the 'wrong finger'. And like you, I move my rings around sometimes. Fingers need a break

rampantivy I’m not being disingenuous claiming that people I don’t know would consider it an engagement ring as I haven’t said that. All I’ve said is that I wear the ring on either of my ring fingers and it had never occurred to me until boyfriend mentioned it. I can understand that people might think it’s an engagement ring but they would either know me well enough to ask or be strangers whose opinion on my relationship status I don’t generally concern myself with. That’s why I found the situation odd.

Although according to one poster I’m single anyway so it doesn’t matter regardless 😂

@DefinitelyNotAHastyNameChange

billiespain I didn’t claim you were on glue or gin, that was a different poster. I claimed half of you were insane. I include you in that half.

🤣😂🤣

castawayqueen I think he might be bit sensitive about my bluntness about not wanting to ever get married again. I know he wanted it to happen before we ever move in together (which won’t be for 3 years anyway). I’m financially in a much better place than he is, although he’s not in debt or anything, and I said I would never risk my finances again no matter how much I loved someone. And I do love him very much. I know that my honesty about it knocked him slightly but I’d much rather that than go through the hell I did for 3 years of my life where I very nearly lost everything that I’d worked so hard for.

I’m financially in a much better place than he is, although he’s not in debt or anything, and I said I would never risk my finances again no matter how much I loved someone.

too true... 🥳

wear that Ring on any finger you chose and enjoy it lady 🎉

This is such a weird thread!

The OP is 'gaslighting' her 'single' boyfriend by wearing a ring on a certain finger?! What a load of rubbish.

Wear your ring where you like OP, if your boyfriend or his friends have a problem with it then so what? It can't surely be causing him much of an inconvenience beyond a single short conversation with anyone who mentions it? If he has some deep underlying issues around wanting/not wanting to be married to you then I'm fairly certain that a man in his late 40s should be able to raise that with you directly.

CorianderBee are you sure you’re not actually doing it because deep down you want to be married and you know that wearing an engagement ring is the closest you’ll ever get to that because you’re a manipulative liar?

I love Mumsnet sometimes

Thanks queenbee52, I will

I'm single and wearing stacking rings on my left hand!

notmycat everyone must think you want to be engaged to loads of different men at once!

@DefinitelyNotAHastyNameChange

castawayqueen I think he might be bit sensitive about my bluntness about not wanting to ever get married again. I know he wanted it to happen before we ever move in together (which won’t be for 3 years anyway). I’m financially in a much better place than he is, although he’s not in debt or anything, and I said I would never risk my finances again no matter how much I loved someone. And I do love him very much. I know that my honesty about it knocked him slightly but I’d much rather that than go through the hell I did for 3 years of my life where I very nearly lost everything that I’d worked so hard for.

Considering all the above, have you stop to consider that wearing what looks like an engagement ring on the left ring finger could be rubbing salt in his wounds?

Worse if he has to explain to friends why you're not engaged?

You really should be more considerate of him.

@DefinitelyNotAHastyNameChange i know
They're actually resin rings with my horses hair set in them so that'll confuse people

I can’t easily get the ring resized. It’s a filigree gold band so I could get an insert to make it smaller but then I’d risk becoming a pinky ring twat. I’d be hesitant about getting it made larger due to the age of it and I just can’t think how they’d do it other than stick a random extra bit in at the back which would ruin it slightly.

lweji that’s why I started this thread as I couldn’t think why it would bother him and thought it seemed a bit controlling. In between being called a desperate, single, gaslighter there have been some helpful suggestions like that. I will try and be more careful and try to keep it on my right finger. I did the same with my wedding ring but always made a conscious effort to check that it was on my left hand before going out anywhere so I’ll just do the same with this but on the right hand.

You hold all the power here OP, and understandably I think you like it.

notmycat you’re engaged to a horse 😳

His friends,his problem, so let him deal with it himself.

If |I were you I'd have my wedding ring back on the left hand ring finger just to annoy the dick-tator.

@DefinitelyNotAHastyNameChange

billiespain I didn’t claim you were on glue or gin, that was a different poster. I claimed half of you were insane. I include you in that half.

How unpleasant.