Wearing ring on ring finger - dp asked me not to

[DefinitelyNotAHastyNameChange]

Would this bother you/ would you find it a bit odd?

I’ve been with DP for about a year. I think it’s pretty serious - we’ve both met each other’s kids and friends. We’re making plans to do holidays etc. soonish so we both think we have a future although we wouldn’t be able to move in together for a few years due to DC’s and jobs. I’ve also made it clear that I would rather set myself on fire than get married again.

Anyway, I don’t really wear jewellery much. I used to wear my wedding and engagement ring when I was married but don’t anymore obviously. Recently a relative died and one of the things she left me was a ring that I’d coveted for years. This ring is only big enough to fit on my ring finger. I normally wear it on my right hand but I’m a fiddler and quite often end up with it on my left hand.

DP has asked me to please not wear the ring on my left hand as some of his friends have made assumptions (although they’ve never mentioned it when I’ve been there) and he thinks it’s awkward having to explain that I just like wearing a ring on that finger.

It’s not that unusual, is it? I don’t want to marry him, pretty sure he doesn’t ever want to marry me. I don’t understand why he can’t just tell anyone that questions it that it’s not an engagement ring, it doesn’t look anything like a traditional one anyway. Would this annoy you?

*appearance

Wear it on whichever finger you like OP. I'm a fiddler too and my rings change fingers constantly depending on what I'm doing or sometimes when I'm just thinking. I doubt my DP has ever even noticed which is on what though, because he's not a controlling arse.

well if I knew a phrase was interpreted as homophobic by ‘some’ I still wouldn’t use it.

I'd like to think most sensible people wouldn't jump to such damning conclusions. Evidently, some do.

None of the thread has any possible relation to sexuality. It's completely about character. To interpret it the way you have suggests you rather hope it's a slur. Not my bag, sorry.

@earminted

I really want to know OP, do you think he's a bit touchy about you ruling out marriage one day?

Might there be a dented ego at play here, especially if his friends know he likes you a lot?

Exactly - it’s like a slap in the face. Surprised at all the posters assuming that he’s commitment phobic one. OP has said that she is dead set on not marrying, but wants to wear a ring on a finger that signifies that she is engaged and looks like an engagement ring? ‘Her body her choice’ but if she can’t understand why this causes her partner significant discomfort…

Also PP. have been telling her to leave - as he’s commitment phobic - nothing to say that HE should leave HER as the shoes on the other foot? And that her ‘accidentally moving rings’ is more important than her partners feelings?
Just get the ring resized or similar LOOOL

I wear my grandmothers ring on my left hand that I’ve had on since I was 19. It’s more comfortable on that hand and i prefer it more there. My partner hasn’t mentioned it and neither has others, it’s not a big deal, if people have something to say about a ring on a finger then that’s their problem.

@Mandalay246

Plenty of women who aren't engaged or married wear rings on that finger - honestly people, it's 2021. Wear the ring on whatever finger you want to OP and don't give into your DP, he's being ridiculous. If anyone mentions it, tell him just to smile and say nothing.

Totally this. Do people really look at the left ring finger in this way still?

Wear your ring where you want to OP.

Bloody hell Vertical, if I inadvertently used a homophobic slur and someone told me I had done so, my response would be, "Sorry, didn't realise, won't use it again".

But they are both aware of each other's views on marriage right?
She's expressly told him she has zero intention of marrying again, ever.

It's hard to see how the placement of a ring would suddenly be interpreted as something that conflicted with her views and their mutual understanding.

And if having asked the question 'you're not trying to tell me something are you?' - she still makes it clear that's not the case, and it's completely innocent, then why should he not accept that. If friends ask, he can explain it 30 seconds.

It's a slippery road to go down if you have to change your attire because of how others might interpret (or more correctly, misinterpret it).

@VerticalHorizon

well if I knew a phrase was interpreted as homophobic by ‘some’ I still wouldn’t use it.

I'd like to think most sensible people wouldn't jump to such damning conclusions. Evidently, some do.

None of the thread has any possible relation to sexuality. It's completely about character. To interpret it the way you have suggests you rather hope it's a slur. Not my bag, sorry.

I put my feet in my mouth very often. I won't though now double-down when I've said something offensive. You didn't realise it was, it is. The poster who talks of scenario of a female being 'limp-wristed' is making just as silly a point as if it were being made about a child. It is homophobic and aimed at men. Best to just acknowledge and make a mental note so swerve it in future.

You do you, I'll do me.

I had no idea it was homophobic. I thought it was litteral. Sorry.

*@FootieFever22 Is the footie fever going to your head?

Someone is single unless they are married, or separated.

The boyfriend is single.*

No, they're not.

How absolutely bizarre.

Some people are in decades long relationships without getting married, I worked for one.

What's gone to your head??

If you're in an exclusive relationship (or even a polygamous one for that matter) you are not single.

Wtf.

It does seem a bit attention seeking of you I think. Of course you can wear the ring on any finger you like, but like it or not the left 3rd finger is strongly associated with marriage/engagement and people have obviously put two and two together and made an understandable but wrong assumption that is being mentioned to your partner. I don't really get how fiddling with a ring on your right hand can transfer it onto your left hand though.

@DefinitelyNotAHastyNameChange

the Ring is beautiful ... and its sentimental to you..

engagement Rings take all shapes and forms now.. nobody has the right to decide what is or is not an engagement Ring.. only the wearer has this entitlement.

Wear the Ring whenever you chose ... it was given to you, by someone who knew you would cherish it.

🌸💕

Totally this. Do people really look at the left ring finger in this way still?

Ime, yes. I don’t wear/have a ring, and people are suprised when they find out I’m married, and always question why I don’t have a ring.

When my kids were little I had more than one comment about “unwed mothers”, and a fair bit of pressure from people I did know about wearing a ring so people would know I was married.

For all we think we are in 2021, marriage is still an important signifier of status for women. See all the threads about changing names and using Mrs- for many women it’s still a big deal and it is societies assumption generally that all women want to be married, and those that aren’t it’s their partners choice..

The fact he's quite a bit older than the OP might be relevant here too.

@emptyempire

I disagree with pp...I think you're game playing by putting it on your ring finger. Just wear it on tour right hand, problem solved. Attention seeking behaviour!

Yup agreed.

I don't really get how fiddling with a ring on your right hand can transfer it onto your left hand though.

The way I interpret that was more a case of it could go on either hand, but because she's right handed, she will tend to put it on her left hand and fiddle with it, with her right hand fingers - thus 'ends up on the left hand' (not transferred there)

@earminted

The fact he's quite a bit older than the OP might be relevant here too.

Exactly my thoughts ... his ideas on the 'wedding finger' will be the same as us gin, glue sniffing posters in our late 40's early 50's and beyond.

They will not be the same as 30 year old's on this thread who think engagement rings are old fashioned. (Or use the term 'partners' for a boyfriend of 'a year or so')

I'm with you OP, he's being a dick. Some unhinged comments on this thread. I could see it if you were rocking up to see his mates in a wedding dress but I can't understand the hysterical reaction to where you wear what is clearly a dress ring.

I think people still look at a ring like that on the left hand and think it's an engagement ring. So I'm not surprised they ask about it. If that makes him uncomfortable, you need to either be comfortable with that, or not wear it.
This is assuming your relationship is otherwise good, and going by your posts I get the impression that it is.

Does he tell you how to wipe your bottom?

I wear rings on my ring finger all the time. Even my gran's engagement ring which is a v traditional engagement style. Not one person ever has assumed I am engaged, because if I was.... I'd have bloody told my friends. Either way, all he has to say is 'oh we're not engaged, it's just a ring she likes'.

Not embarrassing, not like you're trying to push for marriage. It's just a ring on a hand. In many countries the engagement ring goes on the right hand anyway.