Wearing ring on ring finger - dp asked me not to

[DefinitelyNotAHastyNameChange]

Would this bother you/ would you find it a bit odd?

I’ve been with DP for about a year. I think it’s pretty serious - we’ve both met each other’s kids and friends. We’re making plans to do holidays etc. soonish so we both think we have a future although we wouldn’t be able to move in together for a few years due to DC’s and jobs. I’ve also made it clear that I would rather set myself on fire than get married again.

Anyway, I don’t really wear jewellery much. I used to wear my wedding and engagement ring when I was married but don’t anymore obviously. Recently a relative died and one of the things she left me was a ring that I’d coveted for years. This ring is only big enough to fit on my ring finger. I normally wear it on my right hand but I’m a fiddler and quite often end up with it on my left hand.

DP has asked me to please not wear the ring on my left hand as some of his friends have made assumptions (although they’ve never mentioned it when I’ve been there) and he thinks it’s awkward having to explain that I just like wearing a ring on that finger.

It’s not that unusual, is it? I don’t want to marry him, pretty sure he doesn’t ever want to marry me. I don’t understand why he can’t just tell anyone that questions it that it’s not an engagement ring, it doesn’t look anything like a traditional one anyway. Would this annoy you?

@DefinitelyNotAHastyNameChange

This thread is making me want to buy myself an engagement ring. Half of you are insane.

Buy 2, one for each hand, their heads will literally explode.

@RamItBunty

Someone is single unless they are married, or separated did you purposefully omit cohabiting couples who are Not married but def not single

That’s quite a rigid and outmoded way of seeing relationships, it’s not an either or division. It really isn’t single or married. For most people there a lot in between

Legally, you have to declare your status as married or single on a lot of documents. Some may have civil partnership as another option.

The ring isn’t the issue,it’s his strong reaction to it being interpreted as engagement ring
He quite clearly doesn’t want that interpretation to the extent he want her to remove the ring and the visual cue. Thus closing down any inquiry about the relationship

I’ve ticked cohabitation on documents before?
Seeing we are all discussing social conventions, a couple dating Or a cohabiting couple are really not routinely considered single. I’ve never routinely encountered married or single nothing in between

@RamItBunty

The ring isn’t the issue,it’s his strong reaction to it being interpreted as engagement ring He quite clearly doesn’t want that interpretation to the extent he want her to remove the ring and the visual cue. Thus closing down any inquiry about the relationship

Exactly, we also learn he is divorced and nearly 50. She is mid 30's.

However, the OP has kindly deemed us all on glue and gin.

Jingling is right, he is single. Totally.

@VerticalHorizon

If he's nearly 50, he needs to grow a damn pair of balls and not feel so damn intimidated at the prospect of some of his friend assuming there's an engagement.

What does it take to say 'Nah, she just likes wearing the ring'. A few mates might laddishly joke about it. So what?

Asking her to remove it is just so utterly limp wristed. I'm sure a few comment on the age difference. What does he propose to do about that, have her wear a cardigan and flat shoes?

Seriously, if you really enjoy being with someone, who cares what they wear, or how others interpret it?

'Limp wristed' is a horrid homophobic stereotype btw. I'll charitably assume you weren't trying to be offensive but yuck.

(Also, 'grow a pair of balls' is kinda gross too, while we're at it. And assuming any women in their 50s wear 'cardigans and flat shoes'... seems like you're a fan of a stereotype!)

Is it?
Why would it be considered homophobic?

But I'll stand by it. He needs to 'man up', or is that sexist?

He needs to grow a pair (that'll be interpreted badly too).

Your boyfriend is single, OP. He's disquieted you to the stage that you're posting a thread here when you already have all the answers. Why did you post? I mean, you can post whatever you want but it does seem such a non-issue - and you have all the answers anyway, so...?

A boyfriend who didn't consider himself single wouldn't be telling you what to do and wouldn't be telling you what nonsense his friends were saying as it would have been a non-issue for him and he would have shut them down. He didn't.

Again, you have all the answers. No glue or gin here, just mild curiosity as to why you want the answer to a question you already know the answer to?

Good luck with it all. I agree that the ring (pretty, but not an engagement ring) is a cocktail ring, but then again... anything goes really, people wear what they like.

I agree with PP about 'grow a pair of balls', utterly stupid comment given that boys have them always.

@VerticalHorizon

Because ‘limp wristed’ is a slur usually directed at homosexual men to imply they are effeminate. It’s a gross thing to say.

Ah ok, that ring doesn't look engagement ring to me so I would happily wear it too 😁 I remember my mum hating me wearing a ring like that on my engagement finger this is probably where my hang ups are coming from. Pity me! 😂

Mine always said the same, HereticFanjo. It worked. I don't wear my wedding/engagement rings anywhere now.

I do sometimes wear a costume jewellery ring (that looks like a very swish diamond) on my right hand ring finger though.

I agree with PP about 'grow a pair of balls', utterly stupid comment given that boys have them always.

It's a very common phrase.
'Out of your mind' makes no sense, but it's commonly used too.

@VerticalHorizon

Is it? Why would it be considered homophobic?

But I'll stand by it. He needs to 'man up', or is that sexist?

He needs to grow a pair (that'll be interpreted badly too).

It started as a way of describing someone effeminate, usually denoting a gay man, implying a kind of weakness...Apart from the fact that gay men are not 'feminine' for being gay, they are very much still men, it's also kind of offensive to assume that being feminine = weak and insulting.

"Man up" = "men should always be strong/brave etc". Indirectly, this is why men feel like they can't ever show weakness and we have so many emotionally repressed men with no coping mechanisms because they're just told to man up. Being a man does not have to mean 'just get over something that's bothering you' (although I agree in OP's context, the thing that's bothering him is ridiculous and he should get over it - but the term is unhelpful and perpetuates unhealthy ideas of masculinity).

"Grow a pair" is the same shit in a different hat. "Having balls = good, strong". Boring boring boring.

...well you did ask.

You're wrong about that, VerticalHorizon, it was a slur, however you think you meant it.

@VerticalHorizon

Because ‘limp wristed’ is a slur usually directed at homosexual men to imply they are effeminate. It’s a gross thing to say.

It's a term interpreted by SOME that way.
It's also a term to describe the ineffectual, lacking backbone or strength of conviction.

Stop looking for what isn't there.

Absolutely.

I had a (female) friend who was so limp wristed, she'd sit there with a glass of wine and her other hand quite literally limp wristed.

She was so affected.

Used to drive me mad.

I'm talking about the 'limp wrist' comment, not the balls one.

Why cant he just tell them you are just wearing a ring you inherited and like it on that finger sometimes? Why is he making it such a big deal? Weird.

Interpret how you will.
Inference and intent are not the same thing. Stop trying to make it such.

Well if I knew a phrase was interpreted as homophobic by ‘some’ I still wouldn’t use it. It has that connotation and you are using it here to imply that this man isn’t ‘manly’ enough. It’s not a nice thing to say, and will be taken wrongly. If I was saying things like that I’d want to know that it could be offending some people in case I said it in public.

@VerticalHorizon

Interpret how you will. Inference and intent are not the same thing. Stop trying to make it such.

Interesting. If you make a racist comment but your intent was to make a joke, does that make it not racist? Nope. So...

I really want to know OP, do you think he's a bit touchy about you ruling out marriage one day?

Might there be a dented ego at play here, especially if his friends know he likes you a lot?

@Kanaloa

Well if I knew a phrase was interpreted as homophobic by ‘some’ I still wouldn’t use it. It has that connotation and you are using it here to imply that this man isn’t ‘manly’ enough. It’s not a nice thing to say, and will be taken wrongly. If I was saying things like that I’d want to know that it could be offending some people in case I said it in public.

No. I'm implying he needs to address his friends or his own interpretations of what such a simple thing as a ring on a finger means.

Instead, he's asking a woman to change her appearing to appease others. I think he's wrong, and think it lacks backbone. It's a pretty clear view from my posts.