Wearing ring on ring finger - dp asked me not to

[DefinitelyNotAHastyNameChange]

Would this bother you/ would you find it a bit odd?

I’ve been with DP for about a year. I think it’s pretty serious - we’ve both met each other’s kids and friends. We’re making plans to do holidays etc. soonish so we both think we have a future although we wouldn’t be able to move in together for a few years due to DC’s and jobs. I’ve also made it clear that I would rather set myself on fire than get married again.

Anyway, I don’t really wear jewellery much. I used to wear my wedding and engagement ring when I was married but don’t anymore obviously. Recently a relative died and one of the things she left me was a ring that I’d coveted for years. This ring is only big enough to fit on my ring finger. I normally wear it on my right hand but I’m a fiddler and quite often end up with it on my left hand.

DP has asked me to please not wear the ring on my left hand as some of his friends have made assumptions (although they’ve never mentioned it when I’ve been there) and he thinks it’s awkward having to explain that I just like wearing a ring on that finger.

It’s not that unusual, is it? I don’t want to marry him, pretty sure he doesn’t ever want to marry me. I don’t understand why he can’t just tell anyone that questions it that it’s not an engagement ring, it doesn’t look anything like a traditional one anyway. Would this annoy you?

@Crystal90567

Your being ridiculous if you think wearing an engagement ring, in a society that knows it's an engagement ring symbol to wear an engagement ring on that finger, is not ridiculous. I'm completely on his side and I'd leave you. Its controlling, manipulative and gas lighting. Are you trying to change all society so these rules dont exist?

It's not an engagement ring, you absolute melt. Could you be any more ridiculous?

@QueenCarrot

YABU and a bit weird. Obviously it’s your body and your ring and you are entitled to wear it on whichever finger you like. Your boyfriend can’t tell you what to wear or how to wear it so go ahead and do what you want.

However, outside of Mumsnet most people, if they noticed which finger you were wearing a ring on, would make the assumption that you are married or engaged. It is an almost universally recognised symbol in our society. Anybody who notices and asks, when told ’No’ will probably think that you are anxious to be engaged or married.

I'm in my 50s, never married, never want to be married, and wear a ring on that finger probably 5/7 days a week. I have quite a few pretty ones with precious or semi-precious stones and simple settings.

Never once had a boyfriend/lover/SO comment on that, nor anyone else.

OP is not the bonkers one in this thread....

And btw it's YOU'RE.

I wear my rings exactly where I want to and whenever I want to, when I’ve been married or not married. No one else’s business nor do I give a shit what anyone thinks/judges.

I'm tempted to conduct a breathalyser test of half of you.
On the gin before noon?

@Crystal90567

Your being ridiculous if you think wearing an engagement ring, in a society that knows it's an engagement ring symbol to wear an engagement ring on that finger, is not ridiculous. I'm completely on his side and I'd leave you. Its controlling, manipulative and gas lighting. Are you trying to change all society so these rules dont exist?

So you’d leave someone if you couldn’t control what they wore, but not only that, you’d use the standard abuse tactic of blaming the victim.

Nice.

He's being an idiot. It's a ring, wear it if you want to. I honestly never pay attention to anyone's hands so I would never notice. If I did I wouldn't ask because surely if your engaged you tell ppl! He's being ridiculous and his friends even more so if he's having to "explain". Surely u say no it's a ring she was gifted that fits that finger. Takes about 3 seconds to say that!

it’s the fact that he thinks it’s a casual relationship not heading towards owt else. However his friends have misinterpreted the ring as an engagement ring. This has clearly annoyed him as he doesn’t want people to think he’s engaged to you.

Maybe, but it could also be the opposite. OP has made it very clear she never wants to get married again, yet he has already said to her that it might make sense to get married later on if they live together.

He could just as easily be thinking that the OP shouldn't be wearing an 'engagement' ring on that finger if she doesn't want to get engaged or married to him (or anyone).

The friends could be a red herring altogether. They might not have noticed or cared about the ring, but he's using them as a way to tell the OP to stop doing something he doesn't like. And she says he got in a strop about it when she questioned why he / his friends care.

The OP really needs to have a conversation with him about what's going on with him because this really is his issue, and if he wants her to change her habits and the way she wears the ring to suit him, he needs to properly explain why he is bothered. If it's just his mates being immature, that's not a good enough reason for the OP to do as he asks. They need to grow up and he needs to stand up to them.

If he has a deeper issue himself, either feeling pressured or feeling rejected, he needs to admit it and address it.

When I did wear my wedding ring I would take it off and put it on my thumb when I was bored. I think it's more normal than people think to play with jewellery and move it about.

@VerticalHorizon

I'm tempted to conduct a breathalyser test of half of you. On the gin before noon?

@Ifitquacks

The OP's partner is unhappy with her wearing an engagement ring on her wedding finger, when they are NOT getting married, (and yes it DOES look like an engagement ring!) So why is she not taking his feelings into account?

People have all sorts of feelings. If those feelings are rational, I take them into account. If they’re irrational, I don’t. His feelings in this instance are irrational and bizarre.

Well said!

You know people wear this type of rings on a that finger when they are engaged. Either you like it or not it is what everyone would assume if you wear a ring. Your partner who hasn't proposed to you is absolutely right. It does look like you are trying to make a point, provoke this discussion, make people assume you are engaged.
I believe that you have entirely different reasoning, but it is how it looks like. He just made his thought process clear, but it is of course your decision how to wear your ring

I never ever notice rings and get confused about which finger is the engaged and married signifier. I’m not married but due to this thread i’ve noticed I am currently wearing a ring on the married/engaged finger. I don’t wear it all the time but it’s the finger it fits best. I don’t understand all the hoohah on this thread at all. Wear whatever you like on whatever finger you like OP.

My now ex dp bought me a ring and I used to wear it on my wedding ring finger. We weren't engaged or planning to be, it just fit best on that finger. Nobody ever asked me if we were engaged after seeing the ring, and as far as I know nobody ever asked him. It actually looked quite engagement ring-like too now that I think about it. Unless he has one very observant friend with a poor memory than I find it hard to believe he is getting questioned about it so often!

I'm wondering if he's actually a bit sore about you not wanting to get married and that's why he doesn't like it?

I still have no idea which is the right finger even though I’m engaged!! I have an eternity ring that I wear on the finger it fits and that’s it. Never look at anyone’s hands. DP doesn’t wear a ring either.

@VerticalHorizon I think it's the hysteria of the upcoming football match 😂

Mumsnet's on glue. Official.

@VerticalHorizon

Mumsnet's on glue. Official.

You too, or just the rest of us?

@VerticalHorizon

Mumsnet's on glue. Official.

Glue and gin. What a combo!

i aM iN nO pOssIblE wAy hiGH!!

I think a lot of comments are being harsh on the fella. He’s allowed to communicate if something is bothering him. The OP said he asked, not demanded.

But I do agree it’s a bit daft and you should wear your jewellery however you want

This thread has made me laugh. If course you can wear whatever ring on whatever finger. Sounds like he has friends who love this sort of chat and gossip. My suggestion is why don't you say that you'll save up to get it made bigger to wear it on a different finger but in the meantime you'll carry on as is. It's not like you went to Pandora and picked out a ring for that finger. you've inherited it and it has significant sentimental value. People are so judgemental. I have a lovely ring from my grandma that looks posh (is not expensive). I think I get judged for it all the time. Don't care, it was my granny's and I love it.
Also, why as women are we surveyed for stuff like this. When I went traveling I was advised (very sensibly) to wear a ring that looked like a wedding ring in certain countries to stop being approached by random men. I think it helped. Now you're wearing a ring and people are jumping to conclusions.

I reckon half of this lot sit in Costa coffee and watch a woman walking in wearing a pair of trainers... then surmise she's wearing them because her husband is beating her, and she's wanting to make a quick getaway. However, because they are Dunlop trainers, he's financially controlling her and limiting her options.

When she orders a large coffee, that's obviously because she wants safe harbour in the coffee shop for as long as possible before the brute comes to take her away.

The crap that people are 'interpreting' just beggars belief. It's a RING. It's on a finger that often signifies engagement. Wow. It's doesn't HAVE to mean it's an engagement, and it certainly doesn't mean someone's fishing for a husband, or setting out to provoke the gin drinking glue sniffing whack jobs of this world!

God help the poor woman if she wears a tiara. She'll be trying to infiltrate the monarchy I expect.

I'm in my 50s, never married, never want to be married, and wear a ring on that finger probably 5/7 days a week.
I have quite a few pretty ones with precious or semi-precious stones and simple settings. Never once had a boyfriend/lover/SO comment on that, nor anyone else. OP is not the bonkers one in this thread....

Why do posters insist on drawing comparisons to make their point when their circumstances are not comparable at all?

Being single in your 50s and wearing rings on any fingers, is not the same as a 'recently inherited ring' which you choose to wear out with your newly acquired single boyfriend.

@VerticalHorizon

i aM iN nO pOssIblE wAy hiGH!!

Easy @VerticalHorizon or you'll peak too soon and miss all the fun!

Also, why as women are we surveyed for stuff like this I think you have answered you own question here.

It's for the very reasons said about travel safety.

Rings are symbolic.

They don't have to be, but we live in a society where commitment is and has been shown by rings for centuries. Unless you want to re-write history and deny symbolic items, of course.