Wearing ring on ring finger - dp asked me not to

[DefinitelyNotAHastyNameChange]

Would this bother you/ would you find it a bit odd?

I’ve been with DP for about a year. I think it’s pretty serious - we’ve both met each other’s kids and friends. We’re making plans to do holidays etc. soonish so we both think we have a future although we wouldn’t be able to move in together for a few years due to DC’s and jobs. I’ve also made it clear that I would rather set myself on fire than get married again.

Anyway, I don’t really wear jewellery much. I used to wear my wedding and engagement ring when I was married but don’t anymore obviously. Recently a relative died and one of the things she left me was a ring that I’d coveted for years. This ring is only big enough to fit on my ring finger. I normally wear it on my right hand but I’m a fiddler and quite often end up with it on my left hand.

DP has asked me to please not wear the ring on my left hand as some of his friends have made assumptions (although they’ve never mentioned it when I’ve been there) and he thinks it’s awkward having to explain that I just like wearing a ring on that finger.

It’s not that unusual, is it? I don’t want to marry him, pretty sure he doesn’t ever want to marry me. I don’t understand why he can’t just tell anyone that questions it that it’s not an engagement ring, it doesn’t look anything like a traditional one anyway. Would this annoy you?

Its a ring, not a chastity belt that can only be unlocked by your DH.

@FlaminEckVera

PMSL at the posters saying NOBODY they KNOW in their social circle would notice if they suddenly turned up with an engagement ring on their wedding finger. OH COME ON!!!! Do you seriously expect people on here to believe this? You must think people on here are proper daft. Of COURSE people would notice, and would ask about it. Stop trying to kid yourself (AND people on here,) that no-one would mention it.

Bonkers.

Ahaha what are you on about? Do you inspect your mates' hands when you see them, then?

When I got engaged we didn't do any kind of 'announcement' cos it was while my dad was very poorly and we didn't want to make a big song and dance. We told a few people and most people didn't notice the (massive - not a stealthbrag, but true!) sapphire ring I was wearing. A couple of friends did and were like "oooooooh" but it's not like I was falling over myself for people being blinded by it and being like "RING! SHE'S WEARING A NEW RING! SOUND THE ENGAGEMENT KLAXON PETER IT'S HAPPENED"

YABU and a bit weird. Obviously it’s your body and your ring and you are entitled to wear it on whichever finger you like. Your boyfriend can’t tell you what to wear or how to wear it so go ahead and do what you want.

However, outside of Mumsnet most people, if they noticed which finger you were wearing a ring on, would make the assumption that you are married or engaged. It is an almost universally recognised symbol in our society. Anybody who notices and asks, when told ’No’ will probably think that you are anxious to be engaged or married.

@JinglingHellsBells

I think you're the slightly odd one, OP.

Partly because you said that even when you were married, you'd swap your wedding ring from hand to hand (left to right and vice versa.)

Who the heck does that?

So if that really is your previous behaviour around rings, it fits that you don't even see the significance of ring fingers.

But I'm not sure you really do believe, deep down, all that you are posting.

I'm also pretty sure that your boyfriend has not had comments from his friends. But he definitely doesn't want you looking like his fiance, with that ring on your finger. That's fair enough and you should be mindful of his opinion.

You're barely a year into this new relationship during lockdown, so I doubt you have seen that much of each other or each other's friends and family.

Maybe this is a sign that you are not as compatible as you thought.

I do that all the time? It helps me concentrate to have something to fiddle with. I didn't realise I was devaluing the significance of my marriage.

@FlaminEckVera

PMSL at the posters saying NOBODY they KNOW in their social circle would notice if they suddenly turned up with an engagement ring on their wedding finger. OH COME ON!!!! Do you seriously expect people on here to believe this? You must think people on here are proper daft. Of COURSE people would notice, and would ask about it. Stop trying to kid yourself (AND people on here,) that no-one would mention it.

Bonkers.

Genuinely don’t believe a single man would notice. A woman might notice and comment/ask about it, once, and unless she was completely deranged she would nod and smile at the explanation that it’s a family ring/a ring the wearer just likes to wear on that finger, politely compliment the ring, and it would never enter her head again. It would literally never be an issue anyone sane would care about at all, let alone enough of one to stop someone wearing jewellery that predates their relationship however and wherever they like.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

I absolutely agree that it's a good idea NOT to get married again though, good for you, OP!

How can you say that ? You don't even know her 😂😂😂

@MarianneUnfaithful

OMG!

I have been wearing a ‘cocktail ring’ when I am not at a cocktail party! What could people be thinking?

OP, of course do what you like with your ring, but I wonder if it is worth having a conversation with your DP about how he feels about your marriage aversion (entirely sensible IMO). About why this makes him so uncomfortable, beyond a simple ring issue. About what the relationship between love, commitment and marriage means for each of you.

OMG!

I have been wearing a ‘cocktail ring’ when I am not at a cocktail party! What could people be thinking? shock

How embarrassing! A margarita for that woman, stat!

It's a sign, it's a sign.
From the three sentences you have posted, I can see much detail and true motivation. Your future is doomed.

Secretly you wish to marry. Your partner is your enemy. You are seeking to cause turmoil in the universe.

You are a bad woman. Wearing such a ring on the wrong finger is a sign of darkness. Glooming, foreboding evil.

@VerticalHorizon

It's a sign, it's a sign. From the three sentences you have posted, I can see much detail and true motivation. Your future is doomed.

Secretly you wish to marry. Your partner is your enemy. You are seeking to cause turmoil in the universe.

You are a bad woman. Wearing such a ring on the wrong finger is a sign of darkness. Glooming, foreboding evil.

😂😂😂😂

His friends know he isn’t engaged. They won’t be mocking him as much as they are mocking the OP.

Like many people, including a lot on here, they are seeing the OPs behaviour through stereotypical lens. They think she’s trying to appear engaged because she wants to signal she is in a relationship.

It won’t be just his friends thinking this. Other people will. Most won’t presume an engagement. But some will think the OPs behaviour has a meaning and judge her. We all know that people communicate ways other than verbal.

That’s just life. The OP can live with it but it sounds like the boyfriend can’t.

I work in a call centre and when I’m on boring calls I sort of put my two ring fingers end to end and slide them up and down between the two, if that makes any sense at all. Then whenever I need to start typing I just push it back on whichever finger it’s on at the time and type away. I did it for years with my wedding ring and now do it with this one.

Did you put the wedding ring on the right hand?

The thing is, whether you want to get married or not, the ring on the left hand sends a message. He may not like that he's having to tell other people about it, or he may not like it because he thinks you are sending him a message.
Being in a relationship, but not engaged, I am careful not to wear any rings on my left finger that might be confused with an engagement ring, particularly because I never wear any other rings as well. If nothing else, so that I wouldn't have to answer questions about it myself.

Having said that, if he told me I couldn't wear it, I would most certainly wear it.
If he asked me as a favour, so that he didn't have to fend off questions, I probably would stop moving the ring.

@Hopeisnotastrategy

I have some sympathy with his request. Clearly it will also fit on your right hand.

Not necessarily-most people have one hand slightly larger than the other; a ring for my left hand wouldn't fit the same finger on my right.

Not necessarily-most people have one hand slightly larger than the other; a ring for my left hand wouldn't fit the same finger on my right.

Except OP has already said she swaps it between hands, as a fiddler.

Like many people, including a lot on here, they are seeing the OPs behaviour through stereotypical lens. They think she’s trying to appear engaged because she wants to signal she is in a relationship. It won’t be just his friends thinking this. Other people will. Most won’t presume an engagement. But some will think the OPs behaviour has a meaning and judge her. We all know that people communicate ways other than verbal

The they're all idiots. As are the people on this thread saying similar. If you actually sit judging people and deciding that they must secretly be desperate to marry because they are wearing an obviously non engagement ring on that finger....you're a moron with far too much time on your hands.

Nice to see MN at its best
The judgey shouty ones telling the other judgey shouty ones how stupid you all are
Is it so wrong to have a difference of opinion ?

'Other people' ? People the op doesn't know and whose opinions have no bearing on her life?

I'd say 'other people' can get to fuck with their weird judginess because I don't live my life for 'other people' who will no doubt find all sorts of reasons to judge me regardless of what I do.

But that's just me!

@claralara42

Like many people, including a lot on here, they are seeing the OPs behaviour through stereotypical lens. They think she’s trying to appear engaged because she wants to signal she is in a relationship. It won’t be just his friends thinking this. Other people will. Most won’t presume an engagement. But some will think the OPs behaviour has a meaning and judge her. We all know that people communicate ways other than verbal

The they're all idiots. As are the people on this thread saying similar. If you actually sit judging people and deciding that they must secretly be desperate to marry because they are wearing an obviously non engagement ring on that finger....you're a moron with far too much time on your hands.

Agree. I wouldn't give a flying leap what some hidebound morons thought about my ring placement choice. Let them "judge" away.

It looks EXACTLY like an engagement ring

I know I’m labouring the point now but it looks NOTHING like one. An engagement ring is generally a precious stone not a fucking great piece of costume jewellery.

Meanwhile back in the real world the very vast majority of people don’t wear rings on their left hand unless they are engaged or married (I include those widowed, as my Mum still wore hers 33 years after my dad died).
I think you’re being a bit U.
But then I’m closer to 60 than 30 and accept it my be an age thing.

The judgey shouty ones telling the other judgey shouty ones how stupid you all are
Is it so wrong to have a difference of opinion ?

I think you might secretly want a partner to engage in debate with. This is obviously a provocative post signifying a deep underlying desire to marry a judge.

Your being ridiculous if you think wearing an engagement ring, in a society that knows it's an engagement ring symbol to wear an engagement ring on that finger, is not ridiculous. I'm completely on his side and I'd leave you. Its controlling, manipulative and gas lighting.
Are you trying to change all society so these rules dont exist?

@DefinitelyNotAHastyNameChange

Thanks aquamarine1029 that was my thought exactly. I told him that I’m not planning on taking it off and he just had a bit of a strop telling me that he’d never asked me to do anything for him before (which is true, tbf) and there was no reason I couldn’t just put it on my right hand instead.

Well it has to start somewhere, of course from time to time someone might ask something of you, but this is just ridiculous sorry, stand your ground.

@DefinitelyNotAHastyNameChange

Ring is similar to this. Very much a cocktail ring and not a ring you would typically think of as being an engagement ring.

I’m really not wearing it on my left hand just to piss him off. I know I fiddle with it a lot but I’ve never really thought much about it. It’s only now that’s he’s raised it that it’s annoyed me to the point I want to keep it on that hand.

I'm sure Elvis wore a similar ring.

If he ever does ask you to marry him, just say 'uh huh'

it's gaslighting

My God.