Wearing ring on ring finger - dp asked me not to

[DefinitelyNotAHastyNameChange]

Would this bother you/ would you find it a bit odd?

I’ve been with DP for about a year. I think it’s pretty serious - we’ve both met each other’s kids and friends. We’re making plans to do holidays etc. soonish so we both think we have a future although we wouldn’t be able to move in together for a few years due to DC’s and jobs. I’ve also made it clear that I would rather set myself on fire than get married again.

Anyway, I don’t really wear jewellery much. I used to wear my wedding and engagement ring when I was married but don’t anymore obviously. Recently a relative died and one of the things she left me was a ring that I’d coveted for years. This ring is only big enough to fit on my ring finger. I normally wear it on my right hand but I’m a fiddler and quite often end up with it on my left hand.

DP has asked me to please not wear the ring on my left hand as some of his friends have made assumptions (although they’ve never mentioned it when I’ve been there) and he thinks it’s awkward having to explain that I just like wearing a ring on that finger.

It’s not that unusual, is it? I don’t want to marry him, pretty sure he doesn’t ever want to marry me. I don’t understand why he can’t just tell anyone that questions it that it’s not an engagement ring, it doesn’t look anything like a traditional one anyway. Would this annoy you?

I am married but don’t wear a wedding or engagement ring. My marital status is my business and I don’t need to advertise that I’m “taken”.

I have some gorgeous rings that I sometimes wear on that finger and sometimes not.

Don’t give in to this bullying OP

@category12

It's a bit fallacious bringing other cultures' ring practices into it. That's just whataboutery.

In the society you live in, there are generally symbols and practices the majority buy into. You, as an individual, can choose not to and that's fine, but you can't get away from the fact that the people around you will see it as that symbol or practice.

Exactly this. ^ People need to stop banging on about 'other cultures.' It's boring, and irrelevant to THIS discussion!!!!

As I said, (and many others have too,) what the OP is doing is strongly suggesting she wants to be married, even though she denies it.

And all this 'I shall do whatever I want, I ain't having no man telling ME what to do, nah, nah, nah nah, nah!' that some posters are coming out with, is just a bit pathetic and childish.

Yes of COURSE women shouldn't be taking orders from men all the time, and doing what the man wants all the time, and they shouldn't allow themselves to get into a relationship where they are being controlled.

But relationships work both ways.

When you are IN a relationship, you have to consider the other person's feelings and wishes, as well as your own. Behaving in a manner where you are stamping your feet and saying 'I WILL DO WHAT I WANT - WAH WAH WAH!' (as a few posters on here seem to be endorsing,) is the behaviour of a toddler.

The OP's partner is unhappy with her wearing an engagement ring on her wedding finger, when they are NOT getting married, (and yes it DOES look like an engagement ring!) So why is she not taking his feelings into account?

I bet if HE was doing something SHE didn't like, and she asked HIM to please stop, (and he refused,) people on here would be saying 'he clearly doesn't respect you OR your feelings, and is just doing what he wants, no matter how much it affects you and upset you. LTB now!'

I'm done now. Made my point.

I wear a ring on my wedding ring finger. Like you I find it migrates from my right hand.

He's being ridiculous

@FlaminEckVera

PMSL at the posters saying NOBODY they KNOW in their social circle would notice if they suddenly turned up with an engagement ring on their wedding finger. OH COME ON!!!! Do you seriously expect people on here to believe this? You must think people on here are proper daft. Of COURSE people would notice, and would ask about it. Stop trying to kid yourself (AND people on here,) that no-one would mention it.

Bonkers.

I think you’re ‘proper daft’ to be honest . I know them. I cannot say for sure as the situation hasn’t arisen, but I genuinely can’t imagine them giving a shit what finger I had a ring on. And I wouldn’t give a shit what finger they had theirs on. Believe what you want 🤷🏻‍♀️, I don’t care, I don’t know you!

Op you are a star...their are a lot of weirdos on this thread and you've taken their nuttiness with good grace.

My views:

A) you are allowed not to want to get married again (I'm divorced and I hear you!)
B) you are allowed to wear a ring on any of your fingers (I actually can't believe there are people telling you you can't!)

Your bf needs to get a life if it bothers him, he sounds a bit small minded and thick (sorry!)

I think we also need to see the ring

@wedswench

I think we also need to see the ring

Scroll back a bit!

@FlaminEckVera

PMSL at the posters saying NOBODY they KNOW in their social circle would notice if they suddenly turned up with an engagement ring on their wedding finger. OH COME ON!!!! Do you seriously expect people on here to believe this? You must think people on here are proper daft. Of COURSE people would notice, and would ask about it. Stop trying to kid yourself (AND people on here,) that no-one would mention it.

Bonkers.

First of all, nobody is talking about an engagement ring.

Secondly, I think you are proper daft, yes. If I saw a friend suddenly wearing a ring on their ring finger, I wouldn't assume they were engaged. If they had got engaged, they would say so, so if they don't say so, I wouldn't think they were.
Just because you would make silly assumptions based on very old fashioned logic doesn't mean everyone else would.

It’s not about the ring. It’s the fact that he thinks it’s a casual relationship not heading towards owt else. However his friends have misinterpreted the ring as an engagement ring. This has clearly annoyed him as he doesn’t want people to think he’s engaged to you. Now engagement in itself is,in my opinion outdated and archaic but it’s usually a demonstrable statement of intent to marry and that it’s a serious relationship.

By asking you to remove the ring he wants to remove any suggestion or visible cue that he’s in a serious relationship

As an aside wear the ring especially as it is from a dear friend
He can’t demand you remove it

I know fuck all about rings. I can tell a cock ring from an engagement ring, and that's about it .

Best comment on here. If op is wearing a cock ring in her engagement finger I'd say her do has every reason to worry!!!

The OP's partner is unhappy with her wearing an engagement ring on her wedding finger, when they are NOT getting married, (and yes it DOES look like an engagement ring!) So why is she not taking his feelings into account?

Because he's a fucking idiot?

Best comment on here. If op is wearing a cock ring in her engagement finger I'd say her do has every reason to worry!!! grin

She might have HUGE fingers!

The OP's partner is unhappy with her wearing an engagement ring on her wedding finger, when they are NOT getting married, (and yes it DOES look like an engagement ring!) So why is she not taking his feelings into account?

People have all sorts of feelings. If those feelings are rational, I take them into account. If they’re irrational, I don’t. His feelings in this instance are irrational and bizarre.

Don't stop wearing it, OP. I had a ring I wore on that finger for yeaaaaaaaaaars - at a distance it could conceivably have been mistaken for an engagement ring, but I bought it somewhere very special to me and it was the only finger I could tolerate wearing it on because I'm a bit funny about sensory stuff. It was an 'issue' for me and now-DH about 4 times, usually when I'd posted a photo of us somewhere and a well-meaning friend went "Is that...!?!!!". And we'd just say "oh, haha, no!".

It's really, really not a big deal and I think he's being weird acting like it is.

@VerticalHorizon

Best comment on here. If op is wearing a cock ring in her engagement finger I'd say her do has every reason to worry!!! grin

She might have HUGE fingers!

Huge throbbing fingers.

@DefinitelyNotAHastyNameChange

I’ve never heard about the nun thing. The only ring signifiers that I think are generally known are ring fingers generally mean engaged/ married and pinky rings on men means twat.

I didn’t know that Sikh equals twat.

I think you're the slightly odd one, OP.

Partly because you said that even when you were married, you'd swap your wedding ring from hand to hand (left to right and vice versa.)

Who the heck does that?

So if that really is your previous behaviour around rings, it fits that you don't even see the significance of ring fingers.

But I'm not sure you really do believe, deep down, all that you are posting.

I'm also pretty sure that your boyfriend has not had comments from his friends. But he definitely doesn't want you looking like his fiance, with that ring on your finger. That's fair enough and you should be mindful of his opinion.

You're barely a year into this new relationship during lockdown, so I doubt you have seen that much of each other or each other's friends and family.

Maybe this is a sign that you are not as compatible as you thought.

@YeokensYegg

I think his reaction speaks volumes about your relationship.

You think it's serious. He doesn't.

Yup.

''I want you to X because all my friends agree with me''.

Controlling behaviour often starts off as fake concern for you; if that doesn't work they will try 'but it makes me look bad when you do that'', and then escalate to ''everyone agrees with me''.
He's doing it because being assertive doesn't get him what he wants.

I only ever wear rings on my left hand 3rd finger.

No other reason than I prefer it, it's more comfortable and they look better on that hand.

I just can't see his reason for the huge song and dance about it.

It's your personal choice and I wouldn't let anyone dictate otherwise.

Is he a knob in other areas or just this, is the question.

You're all stark, raving, bonkers.

@Ifitquacks

The OP's partner is unhappy with her wearing an engagement ring on her wedding finger, when they are NOT getting married, (and yes it DOES look like an engagement ring!) So why is she not taking his feelings into account?

People have all sorts of feelings. If those feelings are rational, I take them into account. If they’re irrational, I don’t. His feelings in this instance are irrational and bizarre.

Exactly. If he said "I'm worried that you want to get married" and I op says "no. I don't. It's just more comfortable to wear it on this finger", tje rational response is 'ok, fair enough'

If he keeps on or sulks then I'd suggest his reasoning is a bit more suspect in which case I'd be concerned that his 'feelings' were coming from a less than healthy place and were being used to manipulate me.

OMG!

I have been wearing a ‘cocktail ring’ when I am not at a cocktail party! What could people be thinking?

OP, of course do what you like with your ring, but I wonder if it is worth having a conversation with your DP about how he feels about your marriage aversion (entirely sensible IMO). About why this makes him so uncomfortable, beyond a simple ring issue. About what the relationship between love, commitment and marriage means for each of you.

*Partly because you said that even when you were married, you'd swap your wedding ring from hand to hand (left to right and vice versa.)

Who the heck does that?*

I used to as well. I do it with other rings too!

@JinglingHellsBells

I think you're the slightly odd one, OP.

Partly because you said that even when you were married, you'd swap your wedding ring from hand to hand (left to right and vice versa.)

Who the heck does that?

So if that really is your previous behaviour around rings, it fits that you don't even see the significance of ring fingers.

But I'm not sure you really do believe, deep down, all that you are posting.

I'm also pretty sure that your boyfriend has not had comments from his friends. But he definitely doesn't want you looking like his fiance, with that ring on your finger. That's fair enough and you should be mindful of his opinion.

You're barely a year into this new relationship during lockdown, so I doubt you have seen that much of each other or each other's friends and family.

Maybe this is a sign that you are not as compatible as you thought.

People fiddle with rings. Are you normally so confused by completely normal human behaviour?

As for the rest...what a load of bollocks.