I had a phonecall this afternoon...

[Itwasgoodwhileitlasted]

DH had taken DS to swim lessons. This is the second time he has taken him, I've taken him once myself.

So it is a 30 minute lesson and parents are told to sit in cars in car park to wait because of covid.

DS swim lesson finished at 3.10pm and I had a phonecall at 3.30pm asking who was picking him up!!

It then transpires DH had dropped off DS and gone to run "errands".

I was livid and mortified. Swim school gave me a bollocking because there was no one responsible for DS in event of an emergency.

Not even mentioning DS was scared and freezing cold while he waited for a towel.

DH is swanning around like it is no big deal while I plot our divorce.

On a scale of useless arsehole what would you score him?

I've given him 10/10

@Stillfunny

This sounds like my STBXH . It is the total self absorption, lack of care for the DS and the inability to delegate any responsibility to them that leads to anger from the OP . And kids remember. My adult son remarked to me how disengaged and useless a father he was .

As an adult with parents who are still together but a completely disengaged dad, I can totally agree the children do remember.

They also see the anger and resentment in the mum at having to pick up all the work and responsibilities.

@PrincessNutella

Why divorce, when murder is an option?

Murder's so much cheaper, after all!

@WallaceinAnderland

Where are the kids having lessons in these posts that say they should sort themselves out at 7?

At school. It's part of the curriculum. The teaching staff do not dry and dress the children, they do it themselves.

We do get the children to dry and dress themselves BUT only with supervision. There are at least two supervising adults in each changing room ensuring all children are safe and managing.

I am assuming at a private swim lesson there are no official supervising adults in the changing rooms monitoring the children in there.

In my experience of taking year 2s swimming the two scenarios are entirely different. But at neither are children sent to the changing rooms unsupervised in their own.

Get should read let

Do we really think that at age 7 they can't cope with being picked up 20 minutes late. Jeez, if your 7 year old can't cope with a 20 minute later pick up then maybe resilience is something he needs to learn.

And who should stand around supervising said child?
Those in charge of the lessons can't just leave him alone due to safeguarding and H&s, especially by a swimming pool. They can't just pass a child who is wet, cold and in swimmers to a random member of admin staff.
The swim instructors will be needed for their next lessons - all swim classes I've been to have a constant stream of lessons, one after the other, with little more than 5 minutes between then.~

If a parent is 20 minutes late collecting from school we phone much earlier than this. It isn't too much to ask that parents/carers collect in time. If they are running late they should call to let the place know - it's common courtesy to both the staff and their child.

I doubt your DH would be 20 mins late for a meeting at work with senior colleagues
I agree 100% and I would like to add that he probably doesn’t make stupid mistakes at work or act like he’s completely incapable of doing basic tasks there either.

@Itwasgoodwhileitlasted

Update: DS has unsurprisingly woken up with a cold.

We has a chat about what happened yesterday (I was too upset to do it before now and I didn't want DS thinking he was getting his Dad in trouble on top of everything else).

DS thought his Dad had been murdered and that is why he didn't show up.

Colds are viruses. You don't get them from feeling cold. Immediately jumping to the conclusion that his father has been murdered after a twenty minute wait suggests that resilience is something which could be worked on with him, to be honest. It's very extreme. Your reaction also seems extreme, though, so perhaps it's a learned behaviour.

Do we really think that at age 7 they can't cope with being picked up 20 minutes late. Jeez, if your 7 year old can't cope with a 20 minute later pick up then maybe resilience is something he needs to learn

It's not much that the child can't cope, it's the fact that someone has to wait around and supervise the child. The organisers can't just pack up and leave a 7 yr old on their own. The late parent is inconveniencing a lot of people. The organisers, cleaners, owners of the pool, maybe even the class that follows (if it's not the last one), receptionists etc. A lot of people will be late as a result. It's really quite selfish.

Do we really think that at age 7 they can't cope with being picked up 20 minutes late.

I am mid 40s.

I would be fucking livid to be left stranded in wet swimsuit with no towel because DH decided to go run some errand, and be late, instead of sticking to what we agreed.

Your DH is operating on The Theory of Incompetence...

The more he proves he's incompetent at the normal parenting expectations, the more he can off load on you and get on with his all important life concerns.

It sounds from your subsequent posts that he thinks this whole episode is no big deal.

But that just means that he doesn't think its a big deal to be unreliable because he thinks its your job to pick up the slack be the reliable parent. And it doesn't relieve your mind that he won't do it again and think its no big deal.

It means that you and your children are being taught by him that you can't rely on him or trust him and he doesn't think that's a big deal.

YABU to end the marriage. YANBU to be angry. He needs to sort it out!

Colds are viruses. You don't get them from feeling cold

I think I read somewhere that being cold lowers your body temperature and as a result your immune system becomes weakened and more vulnerable to infections.

@Stardust91

Colds are viruses. You don't get them from feeling cold

I think I read somewhere that being cold lowers your body temperature and as a result your immune system becomes weakened and more vulnerable to infections.

Maybe for a prolonged period of time but 20 minutes is unlikely to lead to that. Also, colds are really easy to catch but take longer than 12 hours to show symptoms. Another thing is that chlorine kills most germs so he probably caught the cold from school or another club.

From your updates OP, either this is a terrible event (as you say you are considering divorce because of it) or it's not so bad and you can get over your anger and stay with him.

Which is it?

It seems like you just want to vent about it and have lots of people agree with you but your child thought your husband had been murdered and this seems a normal reaction to you. Something more is going on I suspect.

I don't think my son's reaction was abnormal. He catastrophised because he was vulnerable. Plenty of adults do that, so let's not be hard on my 7 year old child.

Secondly, you don't build resilience by being a crap parent.

Thirdly, I posted in relationships not AIBU. Please note that before commenting.

@WallaceinAnderland woke up the wrong side of the bed love?

Hes 7 and hes was left standing around wet and cold for 20 minutes because it sounds like DH had the towel.

He clearly catastrophised and panicked based on the fact that he nor the staff knew where the DH was and couldn't understand why his dad left him standing there freezing cold. Its not being 20 minutes late for a party, or stuck in traffic and phoning ahead. Its only a half an hour lesson how far could his dad have gone? Plus it sounds like the parents are expected to stay based on the emergency comment

[quote Itwasgoodwhileitlasted]@WallaceinAnderland woke up the wrong side of the bed love? [/quote]
No, I'm asking you, as have several others, whether this is a one off incident that you just want to vent about, or whether there is more to this and it's a pattern of behaviour.

Either it's terrible and you are actually going to actively take steps to stop this man treating your son so badly or it's not so bad, these things happen and you're just going to forget about it and move on.

Which is it?

And just for the record, I've coached children sports for years and have never had an issue with staying late to wait on parents. Stuff happens and parents can be late. In fact, there's at least one or two kids hanging about every other week.

Very few children panic in my experience, they just assume mum or dad got held up somewhere or forgot. The only kids I've seen totally freak out are ones who worry that they've done something wrong, ie stood at wrong exit etc and they are scared their parents are going to give them into trouble.

The only parents you ever get fed up with are the ones who are always late. It's obviously a one off so the staff would be fine with it.

On the odd occasion I was late to pick up my own kids as was my husband, it happens, and the sky didn't fall in. My kids are all very secure and have no worries they will be randomly abandoned.

@Itwasgoodwhileitlasted

He put the wrong time in his diary apparently.

I think this might be the final straw for me.

@WallaceinAnderland, you queried if this was a one-off or a pattern.

The OP's second post stated that "this might be the final straw". The implication surely is that there have been a lot of straws leading up to this one?

And I am not 80 years old. Brought up in the 80s and was one of many children who were in the pool on their own having walked there with siblings and then walked home. Most of us didn't get lifts everywhere, we had to walk everywhere or jump on the bus... that would have left us without money for sweets on way home so no chance. This kind of alarmist over protective stuff really is the scourge of children's lives. Don't worry, last post, I've had enough now.

@whichwayisup

And I am not 80 years old. Brought up in the 80s and was one of many children who were in the pool on their own having walked there with siblings and then walked home. Most of us didn't get lifts everywhere, we had to walk everywhere or jump on the bus... that would have left us without money for sweets on way home so no chance. This kind of alarmist over protective stuff really is the scourge of children's lives. Don't worry, last post, I've had enough now.

Even today, children can swim unaccompanied aged 8 so not much older than OPs child. The only problem in this case was that the child's clothes were (presumably) with the dad, although OP has not confirmed this.

Why is it unsurprising that he woke up with a cold?

Your poor son. When I was teaching, I would often be late for after school staff meetings because parents cba picking their children up on time. Always the same ones, never an apology and it was the children I felt for. Like a pp said, they can do nothing about it. I once worked with a particularly nasty ta who would vociferously 'mouth off ' about the late parent, til I told her to shut the fuck up. It's not the children's fault ffs.
I would be fuming. It's not even as if he was dressed and warm. Be late for me ( and I'll deal with accordingly) but not my child.

Poor kid youre not BU op he was out of order and even worse for not seeing it as a problem