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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I had a phonecall this afternoon...

197 replies

Itwasgoodwhileitlasted · 10/07/2021 18:34

DH had taken DS to swim lessons. This is the second time he has taken him, I've taken him once myself.

So it is a 30 minute lesson and parents are told to sit in cars in car park to wait because of covid.

DS swim lesson finished at 3.10pm and I had a phonecall at 3.30pm asking who was picking him up!!

It then transpires DH had dropped off DS and gone to run "errands".

I was livid and mortified. Swim school gave me a bollocking because there was no one responsible for DS in event of an emergency.

Not even mentioning DS was scared and freezing cold while he waited for a towel.

DH is swanning around like it is no big deal while I plot our divorce.

On a scale of useless arsehole what would you score him?

I've given him 10/10

OP posts:
AlohaMolly · 10/07/2021 23:26

@Nousernameforme

It's like the old she divorced me for leaving dishes by the sink. One day after having to do everything for everyone with zero input from your partner you just say fuck it, it's easier without them. Then you carry on as before but without having to baby and grown man. Also as the childs father he should know the rules regarding his sons swimming lessons whether mumsnetters think they are unreaaonable rules is of no relevance.
I love the dishes thing.
ChloeCrocodile · 10/07/2021 23:27

As a one off and if he were genuinely sorry it’d be an overreaction to divorce. Because every parent makes mistakes, and many have forgotten to pick up children / got the wrong time.

However, this kind of thing is often the final straw. A pattern of behaviour demonstrating that he doesn’t consider the children to be his responsibility. Totally understandable to divorce in that case.

ElephantOfRisk · 10/07/2021 23:56

What an arse.

I once had to locate a parent of a young lad - about 10 I think - after his dad had dropped him off for a Judo lesson but the hall was being used for a local election and the lesson was cancelled. I didn't know it was cancelled either, but when I dropped my two up for the lesson, the cars in the car park didn't feel right so I followed the boys in and saw it was not on and this young boy standing there not knowing what to do. He lived about 8 miles away in a village, didn't know his phone number and wasn't expecting his dad back for another hour and a half. He was in his Judo suit and a pair of crocs and it was November, in Scotland.

So I was standing with him trying to work out what to do when he remembered that his dad was going to the gym and he wasn't sure if his mum was home or not. Sooo, I went to the reception of the community centre and told the guy there who I was and that I was taking the boy to find his dad and left my number if there was any issue.

Started phoning round the gyms and struck lucky on the second one and took the boy to his dad.

So, as well as waiting where you are told, also make sure that the thing you drop your child to is actually running!

mathanxiety · 11/07/2021 00:06

Do we really think that at age 7 they can't cope with being picked up 20 minutes late. Jeez, if your 7 year old can't cope with a 20 minute later pick up then maybe resilience is something he needs to learn.

It's a massive inconvenience for the staff member who was left supervising DS.

AtrociousCircumstance · 11/07/2021 00:20

Twenty minutes freezing cold without a towel, not knowing where his dad was.

Resilience? Fuck off.

ElephantOfRisk · 11/07/2021 00:26

Do we really think that at age 7 they can't cope with being picked up 20 minutes late. Jeez, if your 7 year old can't cope with a 20 minute later pick up then maybe resilience is something he needs to learn.

We need to keep in mind that these 7 year olds haven't the same experience of most pre covid 7 year olds. They've had less exposure to going to activities and being able to do things for themselves.

Stillfunny · 11/07/2021 01:12

This sounds like my STBXH . It is the total self absorption, lack of care for the DS and the inability to delegate any responsibility to them that leads to anger from the OP .
And kids remember. My adult son remarked to me how disengaged and useless a father he was .

ButterflyTonight · 11/07/2021 01:42

DH is swanning around like it is no big deal while I plot our divorce.

DH was once 30 minutes late collecting DC, because he'd got the finishing times mixed up. He was absolutely mortified, concerned about DC and that he'd kept the organisers hanging around. He never did it again.

Your DH's reaction is very different, and I'd be furious at his attitude.

ihtwsf · 11/07/2021 07:45

Why did he have no towel?

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 11/07/2021 07:49

@ihtwsf

Why did he have no towel?
Covid regs mean no using the changing rooms so parents are supposed to keep the towels and clothes
HomersMakeupGun · 11/07/2021 07:56

@simbobs

This is not an atypical scenario, though, is it? Anything to do with the kids is Mum's responsibility. My DH was asked to take DD to school once, probably just the once, as DS was unwell. He had been told that he should stay in the playground with her until they went in, but didn't listen. He just dropped her at the gate and drove away. She was really upset but he could not understand the problem. Mine saw himself as responsible for earning the money but not much else concerning the household. He was always totally focused on his work.
Of course it’s atypical. Could you explain why you judge fathers to be incapable of remembering to pick their own child up? It’s just part of being a human, remembering to do stuff now and again Hmm
JedEye · 11/07/2021 08:00

Poor kid. And his Dad presumably sees the swimming pool staff as childcare.

mogtheexcellent · 11/07/2021 08:01

I can't understand how he thought he could run errands. Lessons are half an hour long.

I barely get time to sit in my car with a chocolate bar before I have to get into position in the changing room.

Original poster
Itwasgoodwhileitlasted · 11/07/2021 08:09

Update: DS has unsurprisingly woken up with a cold.

We has a chat about what happened yesterday (I was too upset to do it before now and I didn't want DS thinking he was getting his Dad in trouble on top of everything else).

DS thought his Dad had been murdered and that is why he didn't show up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itwasgoodwhileitlasted · 11/07/2021 08:10

Oh and DH slept on settee. I can't look at him even.

OP posts:
YeokensYegg · 11/07/2021 08:11

I can't imagine your DH running errands. What errands was he doing?

SilverRoe · 11/07/2021 08:16

Why would he think his dad had been murdered? Shock. That’s quite an extreme reaction. Have you asked him why he thought that? I’d be really worried if my child went straight to thinking that if a parent had not shown up for some reason.

girlmom21 · 11/07/2021 08:24

@SilverRoe

Why would he think his dad had been murdered? Shock. That’s quite an extreme reaction. Have you asked him why he thought that? I’d be really worried if my child went straight to thinking that if a parent had not shown up for some reason.
Probably because he thought something really awful must have happened to be abandoned like that if he's never been in that situation before.

It's understandable that he might have escalated the situation in his head.

EarringsandLipstick · 11/07/2021 08:29

OP you're obviously not wrong to be annoyed.

You've said it's part of a pattern of behaviour. And so it's entirely understandable that you are more upset - as a one-off I'd be annoyed but not the way you describe. I also wouldn't be heading off on my own with DS, and making your H sleep on the sofa.

However, if this is the final straw, you need to properly talk to H. Clearly set out how you feel, what the problem is, what are you going to do (end marriage?) if he can't address it.

There's a bit too much drama here - DS has a cold, he thought his dad was murdered.

Just talk to H. But think about what you really want her. This incident on its own is annoying but not worthy of this over-reaction. However I see that it's part of a wider problem. Deal with that.

diddl · 11/07/2021 08:31

@thecognoscenti

It's not ideal but it's hardly the end of the world. It was twenty minutes. Life happens.
It wasn't a case of "life happens" though.

It was a twat of a father who couldn't even be bothered to wait in the car for 30 mins!

Theunamedcat · 11/07/2021 08:31

@SilverRoe

Why would he think his dad had been murdered? Shock. That’s quite an extreme reaction. Have you asked him why he thought that? I’d be really worried if my child went straight to thinking that if a parent had not shown up for some reason.
My kids think the worse if I'm late because clearly something really really bad must have happened as I would never purposefully forget them
barnanabas · 11/07/2021 08:31

I think as a one-off mess-up, it's forgivable if poor behaviour. Or would be in DH had been suitably apologetic to your DS and to you. But if he's unrepentant, that's a problem.

DH totally forgot to pick one of our children up from an activity once. He didn't realise until I got home half an hour after it had finished and asked where they were. He was mortified. But is generally brilliant. And has suffered for years because said child still likes to tease him about it.

So I understand that mistakes happen. But if it's part of a wider pattern, and he's not sorry, then that's an issue.

EarringsandLipstick · 11/07/2021 08:31

I agree DS thinking his dad was murdered is really strange

Even if it was a one-off, it's peculiar that's what he'd have gone to.

I would definitely be chatting further to DS about that.

diddl · 11/07/2021 08:33

It is a bit odd to think that his dad had been murdered.

But if he thought that his dad only had to sit & wait in the car for 30mins-why reasons could there be that his dad hadn't been able to do that?

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 11/07/2021 08:48

@Itwasgoodwhileitlasted

Update: DS has unsurprisingly woken up with a cold.

We has a chat about what happened yesterday (I was too upset to do it before now and I didn't want DS thinking he was getting his Dad in trouble on top of everything else).

DS thought his Dad had been murdered and that is why he didn't show up.

Children don’t get colds from being cold.

Your poor son though for having to have those awful thoughts about his dad.

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