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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to react to this? Am I being a drama Queen?

329 replies

Jueeer · 09/07/2021 21:15

6 months in and pretty much every time we have arranged to meet, it’s been me trying to discuss it. Once discussed, he will usually follow up to confirm the day before or say he’s looking forward to it etc. I’ve told him repeatedly that I would like the next time we meet to be arranged before we say goodbye, so we both know when the next date it. He did engage for a bit and now it’s dropped off again.

So here we are, Friday night. Saw him Tuesday morning, said I wanted to see him this weekend... he said yes, that was end of discussion. We’ve had some texts since and he contacted me today, but no mention of the weekend or meeting up. This is a man who has told me he loves me?!

I know I could ask and sort out the arrangement but ffs, why is it always me having to instigate? Am I being a drama Queen? What would you do?

OP posts:
Theoddoneout76 · 10/07/2021 22:10

From a male perspective, this guy is after only one thing. If you're looking for long term, forget him, and carry on looking. It takes time and I wish you all the best.

TatianaBis · 10/07/2021 22:42

From a male perspective, this guy is after only one thing.

Yes, his work.

TheFoundations · 10/07/2021 23:30

@Theoddoneout76

From a male perspective, this guy is after only one thing. If you're looking for long term, forget him, and carry on looking. It takes time and I wish you all the best.
Can you have a perspective that you just offer, like all the other (potentially men) and all the other (potentially women), without announcing your penis ownership? Or does it offer some relevant, superior insight?
Kipperandarthur · 10/07/2021 23:30

The main thing is he’s not going to suddenly change and be a different person. He is who he is.

You are getting yourself in knots trying to make him something that he’s not..so realistically you have a simple choice sadly. You either accept who he is and how he functions or you walk away.

You’re an intelligent woman but blinded by wanting him to be someone that he’s not. It’s sad but sometimes it’s better to go through the hurt and disappointment to then go onto a much better relationship that works for both of you. This period in a relationship is normally the wonderful “honeymoon” phase and it’s making you unhappy now so the longer you remain unless you can accept all the dynamics of it it’s not going to magically get better.

upsideoxide · 11/07/2021 06:12

Sorry OP but I don't think this man can make you happy long term. H

Cut your losses and go.

You'll find somebody else. Somebody who wants to be with you every minute of the day. Share your life with you. Share his life.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/07/2021 06:37

Interesting to read that he IS on the spectrum. I suspected it, as I have a friend whose husband is very similar sounding to this man, but didn't want to suggest it as people get very irate when people ask!

So yes - in that case it all makes MUCH more sense why he is the way he is. You CAN work on explaining WHY you need him to behave in certain ways but he won't necessarily "get it", and if he doesn't get it, then he won't necessarily remember, which means you might be constantly feeling that he doesn't care enough.

OR you can find out a bit more about his spectrum condition, and work with it. Accept that he's not going to intuitively know some stuff, because his brain isn't wired that way - and be clear about what you need from him, with explanations that make sufficient logical sense that he will remember.
He may not prioritise you as much as you'd like - can you live with that?
He obviously IS obsessive about his work, about getting things done, about getting things RIGHT. Can you live with this?
You "don't understand" why he needs to do what he's doing in regards to this interview - no, you clearly don't, but are you willing to try and find out? Or at least to accept it enough that this is the way he works?

If the answers to the above are all No, then you need to move on.
If you think you can find a way to learn to understand how he works, because you care enough about him to do so, then you have a chance as a couple.

What you can't do is expect him to change to how you want him to be - that is the least likely scenario.

Marmaladee · 11/07/2021 06:54

I like him. I think you can make it work. I'm not sure why all the posters are so down on him. He sounds like he's trying, he's taken the a/l, he's got food in for you. He likes you, it can be hard for autistic people to show this. Give him a chance OP.

Marmaladee · 11/07/2021 06:56

I think people on here are always happy to suggest people LTB, don't throw it all away because of a bunch of strangers on MN. You sound lovely too, OP.

daisychain01 · 11/07/2021 07:58

If you had mentioned this person was self-declared as autistic sooner in this thread it would have explained some of his behaviour. It is his identity and who he is. For you to have dismissed his identity as not being relevant does him a disservice.

Please step away from his life, you'll do him more harm than good to get involved further by continuing to be demanding and disappointed because he doesn't behave the way you need him to. He, and others on the spectrum are wired differently but they can and do contribute a lot to the world, in ways that others cannot, but they don't need people around them constantly micro-analysing their actions and trying to change how they were born.

daisychain01 · 11/07/2021 08:00

@Marmaladee

I think people on here are always happy to suggest people LTB, don't throw it all away because of a bunch of strangers on MN. You sound lovely too, OP.
It's not about "LTB" on this one it's recognising incompatibility between two people and suggesting they are not right for each other. Nothing wrong with that, it's better to be realistic now than get involved and be unhappy.
Coffeepot72 · 11/07/2021 08:04

OP, if you really like him I would give him a few more weeks, just in case he improves.

IknowThisIsRidiculous · 11/07/2021 08:34

@Coffeepot72

OP, if you really like him I would give him a few more weeks, just in case he improves.
He doesn't need to 'improve'. He's autistic. This is how his brain works.
Lili132 · 11/07/2021 09:22

You are putting way too much work into this relationship too early. Unfortunately most men need a bit of a chase and to do work themselves in order to bond with the woman or decide if she is the one. This relationship seems very unbalanced where it's mainly you doing all the arranging, worrying and communicating.

You also seem to have lots of relationship anxiety and try too hard to make it work.
It takes months and potentially even years to know if that person is really for you. You need to understand that not all relationships are meant to last and be able to let go if necessary. It really isn't the end of the world and definitely better then divorcing further along the way with kids and houses etc.

He might be a nice person and have genuine reasons to be the way he is (including fact he's on the spectrum) or he might just not be that into you.

You need to take a bit of the back seat and decide If this if for you and if it's not then be honest with yourself and do what's best for your future. 💐

MissCrowley · 11/07/2021 09:23

I was with someone like this before I met my DH.
He was a pain in the arse. Would tell
People I was clingy. Never committed as such. Basically I was a fuck buddy but I wanted something more which he couldn't give.
I shortly met my DH after being ignored by him. He tried to get me round to speak to me and tell me he loved me after all! GrinGrinGrin
Anyway with my DH when I first met him he basically sat me down and said "if you text me I'll text back, I don't want to play head games, I want to settle down" 1 week after that he told me he loved me, 2 weeks after I was pregnant.
Fair enough I was slightly younger than you are now, HOWEVER I need you to know that there will be someone out there for you who will treat you properly.
I'd had a string of going nowhere relationships before I met DH, still living at home with my parents and had a really shit job.
Fill your spare time with hobbies, and get out there meeting new people. Don't give one more thought to that red flag waving arsehole

sadperson16 · 11/07/2021 09:28

The point I was trying to make is any person can say I am on the spectrum, I am dyslexic, I am XYZ. It doesn't necessarily make it true.
The OP does not say this person has a diagnosis but had she started the question with.....my partner is diagnosed with autism....then that would have put a very different slant on things.

lottiegarbanzo · 11/07/2021 10:17

Huh:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4293726-My-Aspergers-partner-just-did-this

Just because he can't help it doesn't mean you have to put up with it though. People cannot help being unattractive or incompatible in a lot of ways. They can't usually change, either.

Cyanchicken · 11/07/2021 10:30

I know you say you can't bear another broken heart but he's breaking yours and your spirit with the way this relationship is going. I was the same at 35 and found myself settling for things I would have been horrified at in my 20s. I actually had to date multiple people concurrently as a strategy do that I didn't get over invested in anyone and I was so busy so that follow on dates were left up to them to organise. It worked!!

daisychain01 · 11/07/2021 21:26

@Coffeepot72

OP, if you really like him I would give him a few more weeks, just in case he improves.
What an insult.
Coffeepot72 · 12/07/2021 08:50

@daisychain01 who have I insulted? Is it necessary to be so unpleasant?

Fustyoldface · 12/07/2021 09:41

Op it’s a delaying excuse. Leave him to it. Please listen to me as I’m in this now, it will get worse and worse and your self esteems will be on the floor. Please leave him now. You will look back in a few months and feel relief.

Rozziie · 13/07/2021 17:09

It's so depressing how people just refuse to even try to understand the concept that autism means your brain literally works differently. OP, why do you keep saying things like 'nobody else I know would do that' or 'I wouldn't do that'. That's irrelevant. The entire point is that you're not neurotypical if you're autistic so yes, you will do things that appear strange to neurotypical people.

For what it's worth, I 100% identify with his stress about the interview. I also shut down my entire life for 1-2 weeks when I have an important interview coming up. It's hugely stressful and I need to get into the right mindset for it with no distractions. I have something important myself coming up in 2 weeks (not an interview but something else important) and I'm putting off all social engagements, dates, etc. until after it, because I'm just not able to focus on anything else right now.

If you don't want to deal with the autism, that's entirely acceptable, but please stop acting as if he's wrong or lying to you just because you don't understand. That is really ableist.

Rozziie · 13/07/2021 17:15

@MissCrowley you criticise your ex for calling you clingy and not committing fast enough but think it's normal and fine to get pregnant with a literal stranger you met a month earlier? Confused I will never understand neurotypical people.

MissCrowley · 13/07/2021 20:58

@Rozziie never said it was fine. Just how my life worked out. Hope your view is lovely from your judgemental throne Grin

MissCrowley · 13/07/2021 20:58

And I'd known my partner as a acquaintance for at least a year first. So 🤷🏻‍♀️

MissCrowley · 13/07/2021 20:59

AND I'm ADHD and Aspergers so don't have a neurotypical brain.