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Original poster

How to react to this? Am I being a drama Queen?

329 replies

Jueeer · 09/07/2021 21:15

6 months in and pretty much every time we have arranged to meet, it’s been me trying to discuss it. Once discussed, he will usually follow up to confirm the day before or say he’s looking forward to it etc. I’ve told him repeatedly that I would like the next time we meet to be arranged before we say goodbye, so we both know when the next date it. He did engage for a bit and now it’s dropped off again.

So here we are, Friday night. Saw him Tuesday morning, said I wanted to see him this weekend... he said yes, that was end of discussion. We’ve had some texts since and he contacted me today, but no mention of the weekend or meeting up. This is a man who has told me he loves me?!

I know I could ask and sort out the arrangement but ffs, why is it always me having to instigate? Am I being a drama Queen? What would you do?

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 10/07/2021 18:15

[quote Jueeer]@litterbird thanks. I know it probably sounds cruel but I just don’t know if I have it in me. And even if I did, I don’t think I would know where to start. He’s certainly lacking in emotion or displays of emotion that’s for sure. I was less bothered about that. But very bothered with lack of initiative with meeting.[/quote]
@Jueeer - you don't have to have it in you. You want a relationship that meets YOUR needs, and this isn't it. It isn't cruel to acknowledge that. This man is not meeting your needs, nor is he likely to ever do so. That's OK - nowhere is it written that you must persist in a relationship that is unfulfilling. That is not your fault, that is not his fault, it's just a plain and simple assessment of the situation.

Too many women fall for the nonsense that if a man is not actively being a total bastard then they, the woman, must bend themselves all out of shape to force the relationship to limp along. Don't do that to yourself.

IknowThisIsRidiculous · 10/07/2021 18:19

[quote Jueeer]@titchy but what about the needing to work almost obsessively and to the extent that he’s ok with weeks passing without seeing each other?[/quote]
OP you're missing the point. He told you that he was on the spectrum (I'm not sure why some PPs would question that this is true). I think you should have taken the time to understand what that means. It will mean different things for different people but I understand that obsessive focus on one topic is a fairly common characteristic, as is being single-minded about things (in his case this interview).

That doesn't make it a free pass for him, but it would mean that you are armed with all the information about what you're getting into so that you can decide whether this relationship is worth the effort.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/07/2021 18:31

Spectrum or not, lazy or not, he is NOT meeting your needs in a relationship. And it sounds as if he won't be able to for whatever reason.

Why waste any more of your precious time (and life) on someone who is just not on the same wavelength as you?

TheFoundations · 10/07/2021 18:35

someone who is just not on the same wavelength as you

That's a good way of putting it. He's not a broken neurotypical that you have to make extra leeway for. He's not poorly. But he's not the same as you, and it's really bothering you. Nobody is doing anything wrong.

spoons123 · 10/07/2021 18:47

Before you decide to jack it in with this guy, please read as much as you can about autism and some of the traits autistic people can have. Not everyone with autism is the same but it is generally described as a communication disorder. For some people, that means difficulty understanding what's required of them in close relationships - not because they don't care about the other person or don't want to please them but because social skills don't come naturally to them.

Your guy may learn in time to meet your needs but even if he does, you may still find your relationship too unbalanced. Only you can decide what's right for you. The only thing that is certain is that, if he has ASD, he's not being 'lazy' or 'selfish' on purpose.

Wauden · 10/07/2021 19:05

[quote Jueeer]@Endofether well that’s made me feel about 100 times worse. I’m not like this in my job.[/quote]
OP, rest assured that there are many of educated professionals who have not cracked it! I do empathise with the situation, but maybe change your technique and tell him next time that you already have plans. Never batch cook for him. Men like the chase!

Nanny0gg · 10/07/2021 19:58

[quote Jueeer]@Tal45 yes he’s openly said he’s on the spectrum. Didn’t want to mention it here as I know it’s a contentious topic in relationships. Didn’t mean to drip feed.[/quote]
I was waiting for someone to suggest it, for once I thought it was pretty likely.

It’s a pretty important factor, OP

Nanny0gg · 10/07/2021 20:01

[quote Jueeer]@AbsolutelyPatsy what do you mean? I didn’t think being on the spectrum would have any relevance here at all. This is surely just a case of him not factoring me in during busy times, not to do with obsessional habits etc. He manages his job just fine.[/quote]
It is very, very relevant.

Job and personal life are completely different things. Jobs have ‘rules’, emotions don’t

Original poster
Jueeer · 10/07/2021 20:22

The thing I’m finding hard to get my head around is that he doesn’t actually have an interview date yet. It could be in a week, two weeks, three. I asked how long he wanted to wait for us to see each other and he said he didn’t know because he just wanted this out of the way. He said he missed me.

I have literally never known anyone to have that approach to interview preparation. I would even understand if he had a date for say next Friday, that the panic might set in and he would want to devote all time to it. But really? He wants to just focus on that now because they’ve not given him a date? I work with a lot of workaholics and I’m yet to meet anyone who would do this.

OP posts:
Taliskerskye · 10/07/2021 20:29

For gods sake,
He is not the one for you.
If you continue you will be back on these boards in 7 years, saying how you’ve been married and have kids and you’re so lost and unhappy and you should have seen the flags.

It’s not anyone’s fault per say. You are not suited, he cannot give you what you want and what you need.

Don’t waste anymore time. Be harder.

IknowThisIsRidiculous · 10/07/2021 20:34

@Jueeer

The thing I’m finding hard to get my head around is that he doesn’t actually have an interview date yet. It could be in a week, two weeks, three. I asked how long he wanted to wait for us to see each other and he said he didn’t know because he just wanted this out of the way. He said he missed me.

I have literally never known anyone to have that approach to interview preparation. I would even understand if he had a date for say next Friday, that the panic might set in and he would want to devote all time to it. But really? He wants to just focus on that now because they’ve not given him a date? I work with a lot of workaholics and I’m yet to meet anyone who would do this.

OP you appear to be unwilling to learn about his condition. You're applying your (neurotypical) expectations to his (neurodiverse) way of approaching his interview. He's not being difficult to annoy you, that's how his brain works. I think you're incompatible and you should end it so that you can both find the right people for you.
titchy · 10/07/2021 20:35

@Jueeer

The thing I’m finding hard to get my head around is that he doesn’t actually have an interview date yet. It could be in a week, two weeks, three. I asked how long he wanted to wait for us to see each other and he said he didn’t know because he just wanted this out of the way. He said he missed me.

I have literally never known anyone to have that approach to interview preparation. I would even understand if he had a date for say next Friday, that the panic might set in and he would want to devote all time to it. But really? He wants to just focus on that now because they’ve not given him a date? I work with a lot of workaholics and I’m yet to meet anyone who would do this.

Because he's on the spectrum. Presumably that's part of why he is behaving like that.

Look you keep saying 'but I wouldn't do this' or 'other people don't do this' - irrelevant. He is on the spectrum and one of his resultant behaviours is this.

If you can't cope with it, don't. Finish it, for both your sakes.

spoons123 · 10/07/2021 20:42

Anxiety is a huge problem for most people with autism. Interviews are stressful for most neurotypical people - image how it must feel if you find it difficult to read facial expressions or pick up on social cues? He is coping with an unpredictable situation by preparing as much as he can. It doesn't mean it's easy for you being sidelined, however.

TatianaBis · 10/07/2021 20:48

@Jueeer

The thing I’m finding hard to get my head around is that he doesn’t actually have an interview date yet. It could be in a week, two weeks, three. I asked how long he wanted to wait for us to see each other and he said he didn’t know because he just wanted this out of the way. He said he missed me.

I have literally never known anyone to have that approach to interview preparation. I would even understand if he had a date for say next Friday, that the panic might set in and he would want to devote all time to it. But really? He wants to just focus on that now because they’ve not given him a date? I work with a lot of workaholics and I’m yet to meet anyone who would do this.

Imagine if you had kids and he couldn’t discuss childcare options or changing schools or with you because he had an interview in… several weeks.

Even if he’s a nice person he would just be too tricky to have kids with.

You would be dealing with this for the rest of your life.

burnoutbabe · 10/07/2021 20:55

But it makes sense that if you have an interview to prepare for that may be this week or 3 weeks time, you prepared now so it's done in case you are given not much notice.

sadperson16 · 10/07/2021 20:59

FFS this spectrum thing....says who?

I am a muti millionaire. It must be true because I said it.

Inthesameboatatmo · 10/07/2021 21:00

OP I've been there.
Please for gods sake keep your dignity and do not contact him anymore.
I kept on for weeks like it and felt like a prize prick when I came to my senses.
You deserve better, if a man likes you you will know.
This is too much aggro to early on and I've learnt to not tolerate any such wankery and block them at the first sign of it.

IknowThisIsRidiculous · 10/07/2021 21:11

@sadperson16

FFS this spectrum thing....says who?

I am a muti millionaire. It must be true because I said it.

Says the OP:

he’s openly said he’s on the spectrum. Didn’t want to mention it here as I know it’s a contentious topic in relationships. Didn’t mean to drip feed

TheFoundations · 10/07/2021 21:12

@sadperson16

FFS this spectrum thing....says who?

I am a muti millionaire. It must be true because I said it.

OP has said he's on the spectrum. Not that he claims to be on the spectrum. She hasn't mentioned whether he has a diagnosis or not.

So why are you sweary and thinking he's lying?

sadperson16 · 10/07/2021 21:23

Having been through it with my partner,the process was quite rigorous.

Saying I am on the spectrum is not a diagnosis.

IknowThisIsRidiculous · 10/07/2021 21:30

@sadperson16

Having been through it with my partner,the process was quite rigorous.

Saying I am on the spectrum is not a diagnosis.

Why do you assume that he hasn't had a diagnosis? At no point has the OP indicated that he's using that as an excuse. And anyway, many people have autistic traits and choose never to get a diagnosis. That doesn't take their traits away.
TheFoundations · 10/07/2021 21:46

@sadperson16

Having been through it with my partner,the process was quite rigorous.

Saying I am on the spectrum is not a diagnosis.

Why is your assumption that he is not diagnosed? There's nothing in what OP has said to suggest that that's the case, is there?
senua · 10/07/2021 21:46

The thing I’m finding hard to get my head around is that he doesn’t actually have an interview date yet. It could be in a week, two weeks, three. I asked how long he wanted to wait for us to see each other and he said he didn’t know because he just wanted this out of the way.
I think that you need to have firm words when you meet. This level of preparation for a meeting of an unknown date is not normal. You need to point out that if he doesn't get the job/promotion that it isn't because of the time that he wasted spent with you.
Stop him trying to lay the blame before he even starts.

SummerWillow · 10/07/2021 22:02

He sounds possibly autistic to me, as others suggested. High stress levels re work, not understanding standard communications about meeting up, silences and feeling awkward.

SummerWillow · 10/07/2021 22:06

Sorry I missed the post where you said he was on the spectrum OP! Obviously this explains a lot. My first DH was on the spectrum and it was a very challenging relationship in the end, ending with him becoming an alcoholic and violent! I also now have 2 children on the autistic spectrum ....

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