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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to react to this? Am I being a drama Queen?

329 replies

Jueeer · 09/07/2021 21:15

6 months in and pretty much every time we have arranged to meet, it’s been me trying to discuss it. Once discussed, he will usually follow up to confirm the day before or say he’s looking forward to it etc. I’ve told him repeatedly that I would like the next time we meet to be arranged before we say goodbye, so we both know when the next date it. He did engage for a bit and now it’s dropped off again.

So here we are, Friday night. Saw him Tuesday morning, said I wanted to see him this weekend... he said yes, that was end of discussion. We’ve had some texts since and he contacted me today, but no mention of the weekend or meeting up. This is a man who has told me he loves me?!

I know I could ask and sort out the arrangement but ffs, why is it always me having to instigate? Am I being a drama Queen? What would you do?

OP posts:
seensome · 09/07/2021 22:08

That is very rude of him, I think you have every right to feel disappointed with him.
I think he needs a taste of his own medicine.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/07/2021 22:08

I would stop wasting my fucking time on a man who clearly doesn't give a shit. You should realise this, surely.

worktrip · 09/07/2021 22:08

No woman needs this kind of weirdness in her life. 6 months in and second guessing everything. Wouldn't be for me. He needs gone

Original poster
Jueeer · 09/07/2021 22:09

He’s saying he wants to chat on the phone. I feel upset now and not in a state to!

OP posts:
Original poster
Jueeer · 09/07/2021 22:09

And still don’t know if we’ve got plans

OP posts:
AnaViaSalamanca · 09/07/2021 22:10

I would take a huge step back if I were you and relegate him down in the list of priorities. Make so many plans in the weekend that there is no space for him.

Unless he has DC and his weekends depend on their plans he is treating as low priority.

And FGS Stop cooking for him!

MiniTheMinx · 09/07/2021 22:11

He's really not that bothered. You deserve better, you at least deserve to know where you stand with someone.

Some men find it quite easy to say 'I love you' if they think that's all they need to do to keep you on the back burner. Its easier than making plans and making any real effort.

Don't waste another weekend on this.

MaMelon · 09/07/2021 22:12

I’m so sorry you’re going through this Sad

TheFoundations · 09/07/2021 22:12

Don't say anything more. Wait. But if he doesn't get back to you pretty quick, you need to leave him, and tell him you told him what you needed from him, and that you want to be with someone who is more interested in meeting your needs.

Calmly telling him that you waited for him to respond but then made other plans (for the rest of your life) will feel better. Not straight away, but maintaining your dignity in this way and making sure he knows that he let you down will leave you with a better feeling about breaking up with him.

Breaking up is shit but you're looking after your own needs and not putting up with any nonsense. Surely you can see that even though it hurts, it's a good thing to do, and something to feel proud of.

Original poster
Jueeer · 09/07/2021 22:12

@AnaViaSalamanca I was just cooking as I enjoy it and wanted to do something nice for him. I had dated quite a bit before meeting him and really clicked with him.

I said I didn’t feel like a chat and he said ‘ok well would you like to meet over the weekend?’

What the fuck. Of course I do. We’ve been dating since January.

OP posts:
Imjustsootired · 09/07/2021 22:13

Speak to him. See what he has to say....

It kinda feels like he's not that bothered though? Sorry OP...its a tough pill to swallow and I know how much this hurts. Usually though if they start with this shit, theres a reason x

Imjustsootired · 09/07/2021 22:15

So he has messaged you and asked you exactly what you wanted him to ask you, yet you're pissed off.

Serious lack of communication, I'd guess he has no clue how bad this makes you feel. Talk. To. Him.

TheFoundations · 09/07/2021 22:15

If you feel too upset to talk, just tell him you're busy, now. You are. You're busy dealing with your feelings. You can talk it through with him when you are ready, not when he clicks his fingers.

Same with whether or not you have plans. Why is he in charge of that? Why don't you decide that you don't have plans together? Then, again, you can deal with this when you want to.

I'm sure you don't want to be spending a nice, calm, relaxing, loving weekend with him now, anyway. He's kind of shot that out of the sky by not being the man you need, hasn't he?

litterbird · 09/07/2021 22:16

If you want to meet him then tell him to organise something and you will see him then. I think an early night is needed and a fresh thought process with this in the morning. A good talk to him at the weekend as to expectations and where you are heading is in order.

Endofether · 09/07/2021 22:16

OP - read Why Men Love.Bitches by Sherry Angov

Rubbish title for an amazing book. He doesn’t sound like a quality man
Tbh and I feel you are wasting your precious time
And energy on him. Just back off completely and see what he does

Original poster
Jueeer · 09/07/2021 22:17

Is it unreasonable of me to feel upset? I know if I raise it he will simply say ‘well you didn’t mention it either.’ Or he will say ‘I wasn’t sure if we had finalised plans.’

Even though I feel like shit I am finding it hard to articulate why.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 09/07/2021 22:17

Start making plans without him. Let him ask when he can see you, and be busy. This isn't playing games. It's getting on with your life.

To be fair it could be a mismatch of communication styles, he's agreed you are meeting and will leave it to the last minute to make arrangements. You need it ironing out though, and not by you coaching him into how to behave- he needs to want to step up, motivated by your being less available.

picklemewalnuts · 09/07/2021 22:18

@Jueeer

Is it unreasonable of me to feel upset? I know if I raise it he will simply say ‘well you didn’t mention it either.’ Or he will say ‘I wasn’t sure if we had finalised plans.’

Even though I feel like shit I am finding it hard to articulate why.

Because you want him to make an effort, to show enthusiasm, to appear keen.

He's taking you for granted and assuming you'll be available when he's ready to think about it. He needs to know that's too late.

Endofether · 09/07/2021 22:19

You aren’t being unreasonable at all feeling upset ! He’s playing weird games , blowing hot and cold

The only thing to do with men like that is ignore them thoroughly . Be unavailable all weekend , don’t message at all till Monday at earliest

Endofether · 09/07/2021 22:20

Ignore his messages . You are making yourself too available .men like the chase !

godmum56 · 09/07/2021 22:21

stop chasing...it seems he's just not that into you...sorry

MaMelon · 09/07/2021 22:22

Even though I feel like shit I am finding it hard to articulate why

You’re feeling shot because you’re not in an equal relationship - he has all the power and is exerting a level of emotional influence and control over you that isn’t healthy.

Don’t settle for this man - he is second rate.

MaMelon · 09/07/2021 22:22

Shit not shot

Lalliella · 09/07/2021 22:22

I think you’re overthinking this to be honest. Some people (mainly men) are just not very good at making plans. He said he wants to chat, he said he wants to see you. Don’t get into playing silly games like ignoring him or refusing to see him. Just meet up and have a nice time, and tell him how you feel about how it’s going.

TheFoundations · 09/07/2021 22:24

@Jueeer

Is it unreasonable of me to feel upset? I know if I raise it he will simply say ‘well you didn’t mention it either.’ Or he will say ‘I wasn’t sure if we had finalised plans.’

Even though I feel like shit I am finding it hard to articulate why.

Your feelings are never wrong. You have responses that are 100% right for you. If you have sensitivities, they are because of experiences you've had; they make sense, for someone who has been through the experiences you have. Everybody has their own set of boundaries based on what they've been through, and everybody's are different, and the way to form healthy relationships is to not suspect your feelings of being to blame.

If you have the worlds most absurd sensitivity, a respectful partner will respect it. A disrespectful partner will somehow turn it around ('You're being too sensitive', 'It's not my fault that this bothers you', 'I haven't done anything wrong' etc) It sounds like he'd try to make you feel at fault for letting this bother you. That's not a healthy way for you to be treated. The fact that you know what he's going to say suggests he has form for this behaviour pattern, so there's no wonder you feel shit; you've been having a relationship with somebody who minimises your upset.