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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to react to this? Am I being a drama Queen?

329 replies

Jueeer · 09/07/2021 21:15

6 months in and pretty much every time we have arranged to meet, it’s been me trying to discuss it. Once discussed, he will usually follow up to confirm the day before or say he’s looking forward to it etc. I’ve told him repeatedly that I would like the next time we meet to be arranged before we say goodbye, so we both know when the next date it. He did engage for a bit and now it’s dropped off again.

So here we are, Friday night. Saw him Tuesday morning, said I wanted to see him this weekend... he said yes, that was end of discussion. We’ve had some texts since and he contacted me today, but no mention of the weekend or meeting up. This is a man who has told me he loves me?!

I know I could ask and sort out the arrangement but ffs, why is it always me having to instigate? Am I being a drama Queen? What would you do?

OP posts:
YouokHun · 10/07/2021 13:57

@Jueeer

I know I should just step back. It’s harder than it seems though. I feel worse this morning even though we chatted and arranged to meet tomorrow .
Sunk cost fallacy @Jueeer. If you don’t step back (or step away ideally) what do you see in, say, six months time? I’m not surprised you feel worse because he’s just kicked the can down the road and really not said or done anything to indicate that he includes you in his life. It’s really tough to walk away when you’ve invested six months of your life but I suspect that you could easily invest two years of your life and still end up in tears on a Friday night with plans up in the air and have to walk away anyway, just as you’d probably be wise to do today.
Iamaperiwinkle · 10/07/2021 14:25

@Jueeer

Yeah I guess so. I know it won’t though. He said he was shit at relationships about four months ago. I should have believed him
When men said this to me I believe them and it is waving a huge red Banner at you. Saying I have told you I choose to be a shit so if you stay you are agreeing I can treat you how I want to
Iamaperiwinkle · 10/07/2021 14:28

@something2say

I just want to give you a big hug op xxx

Let me address things one by one.

Firstly, you say you feel sad. I'm sorry xxx be aware that this is the effect of the treatment from him, and maybe your realisation that its not what you thought. I'm sorry xxxx

But use your insight. He is like a pair of shoes that just dont fit. You like them and wish they did, but they dont. How he is doesn't fit you. There is no need to second guess it.

So your sadness is justified.

You want a happy, loving relationship where you can flourish. This doesn't seem to be it.

How do you think you will proceed?

The advice from women looking back and wishing theyd not settled is so good. Dont you try to force your foot in that shoe and ignore the blisters. You're clever and brave, brave enough to withstand this. Your standards are high enough to keep your head up while you bear the truth.

Me I'd go the weekend ignoring his calls, then I'd ring him Monday morning and break it off. I'd spend the weekend holed up in my lovely house, cleaning, doing beauty treatments and clearing my head. This quality of love is not good enough, and we know this because you are crying. Get rid and get back to the woman you are, and out it out there that you want a good quality love or nothing.

X

Perfect but I’d text now and just say ‘ look it’s not really a relationship that is working for me and I’ve good decent standards and you don’t even come close to what I want or need in a mutual respectful relationship. So thanks but no thanks, all the best from miss barrister ’ once messaged block and move on
AgentJohnson · 10/07/2021 14:36

Never prioritise someone who treats you as an option.

Mix56 · 10/07/2021 14:45

In my world, someone who can't be arsed, or deliberately doesn't respond to my message within a reasonable amount of time is not worth the effort.

Original poster
Jueeer · 10/07/2021 14:45

We had a huge chat. I didn’t hold back and probably said some things that were unnecessary, like I can tell why you haven’t made a relationship work if this is what you do. He kept saying he doesn’t cope well with stress. He’s in a very stressful job to be fair but no more so than mine. I said it wasn’t good enough to just neglect us. It culminated in him booking a day of holiday on Wednesday so that he could spend some evenings with me ie tomorrow mom and tues, rather than having to worry about fitting work in at the same time.

He’s since text to say he is sorry that we had to have such a long call and he is sorry that he upset me and he is looking forward to seeing me.

Thoughts? I have a horrible headache and haven’t replied yet. He’s done everything I would like but I am exhausted that it has come to this.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 10/07/2021 14:45

@Iamaperiwinkle I’d text now and just say ‘ look it’s not really a relationship that is working for me and I’ve good decent standards and you don’t even come close to what I want or need in a mutual respectful relationship. So thanks but no thanks, all the best from miss barrister ’ once messaged block and move on

This is perfect.

Original poster
Jueeer · 10/07/2021 14:46

(He will use the day of holiday to get his work done)

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 10/07/2021 14:52

He's booked a day of holiday to get his work done, so normally he works in the evenings? So after that things will go back to the exact way they are now?

snowwhit3 · 10/07/2021 15:00

I'd say give him one last chance to see if this is wake up call he needs.

Next few weeks he'll be on his best behaviour so id give it 2 months max and re-evaluate. Set a deadline tho and be firm with yourself that you'll end it and follow through with it

UseOfWeapons · 10/07/2021 15:00

I agree with girlmom21. He’s paid lip service to you, and after this, everything will stay the same. Lots of people have stressful jobs, but managed to engage well in relationships.

ISpeakJive · 10/07/2021 15:19

I’m sorry OP but you are at the bottom in terms of priority. It goes:

His work
Himself
You

In my world if you say you love someone you would want to spend time with them. End of..

Original poster
Jueeer · 10/07/2021 15:25

Whenever I said anything on the phone it was largely met with silence. I have to prompt him to respond. I just feel like if I see him tomorrow it’s not what he really wants so what’s the point

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 10/07/2021 15:26

He kept saying he doesn’t cope well with stress.

Yeah, well, that's code for 'if you want to keep me you will let me do whatever I want because if you demand that I put forth any effort (ie 'stress') to make you happy I will leave you'.

If you do keep on with him, I predict that all will be well for as long as it takes for him to think you're pacified then he'll go back to being lazy. Then the whole bloody cycle will start again. It'll keep going like that until you finally give in and accept the crumbs he's offering due to the Sunk Costs Fallacy.

Do you really want to waste that time? You'll never get it back and the real 'Mr Right' may pass you by because you're involved with Mr Wrong.

TheFoundations · 10/07/2021 15:27

Needing to take holiday in order to sustain your relationship isn't sustainable. If he hasn't got the time/energy to give you what you need and hold down his job, then he needs to make some changes. Did he talk about how he's going to deal with this going forward? A day off on Wednesday will solve his work problem (for now) - it won't solve your problem with the way he communicates.

And anyway, wasn't the problem that you want him to instigate more? He can't do that by taking one day off.

I think he's just trying to shut you up with your whinging, OP. Sorry. He thinks that if he makes a bit of a fuss of you for an evening or two, the problem will go away.

Tal45 · 10/07/2021 15:27

Could he be autistic OP? He seems very clueless when it comes to relationships, never been with anyone for longer than a month, anxious and obsessed with work, you expect him to be 'weird' on the phone. Just a thought.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/07/2021 15:28

I just feel like if I see him tomorrow it’s not what he really wants so what’s the point

The point for me would be to tell him it's not working for you so thanks but no thanks and have a nice life.

AllyBama · 10/07/2021 15:28

I can see you’re really hoping he’s going to pull it all together and be the guy you want him to be, and I hope that for you too. But just remember he’s clearly demonstrating to you, very early in the relationship what he’s like and how he behaves. If you decide to put up with all of this for another 6 months (or longer!) and then have it end because he kept carrying on this way, are you going to kick yourself that you didn’t leave sooner?
I do hope it gets better for you but are you just settling for someone who should be doing so much more? In my experience, people rarely change. If this is how he copes his stress, that’s not going to change is it?

Original poster
Jueeer · 10/07/2021 15:29

@Tal45 yes he’s openly said he’s on the spectrum. Didn’t want to mention it here as I know it’s a contentious topic in relationships. Didn’t mean to drip feed.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 10/07/2021 15:30

@Tal45

Could he be autistic OP? He seems very clueless when it comes to relationships, never been with anyone for longer than a month, anxious and obsessed with work, you expect him to be 'weird' on the phone. Just a thought.
Holy fucking moley. Every time.
litterbird · 10/07/2021 15:30

@Jueeer

Whenever I said anything on the phone it was largely met with silence. I have to prompt him to respond. I just feel like if I see him tomorrow it’s not what he really wants so what’s the point
I really don’t think you two are on the same path. It’s just wrong timing and wrong partner for you. I know that you are trying so hard to keep this going because your fear of more heartache is trumping everything. Just spend time with him and if it’s excruciatingly awkward and he doesn’t know how to interact then you know you’ve done your best. At that point you can walk away. He is not a nasty man just the wrong man.
AbsolutelyPatsy · 10/07/2021 15:31

give yourself some head space op,

Original poster
Jueeer · 10/07/2021 15:32

What’s weird is I do actually believe him that he’s bothered. I believe him that he cares. One weekend a few weeks back he had said he needed the entire weekend to work. I accepted it but didn’t believe him. I didn’t think he was cheating but just didn’t believe he was doing work. I checked his phone next time we met (please save the outcry, I know I shouldn’t have). But the messages on there were all him fobbing people off saying he was working, he got back to his mum at midnight on the Saturday saying he was just finishing now and off to bed for another early start. He is obsessive and cannot focus on anything beyond the current problem. Ie his interview. Until it is over he will behave like this and to be honest I am surprised he even took the step to take leave and accommodate seeing me, as well as sending a follow up text to apologise.

I just feel utterly drained.

OP posts:
Psychonabike · 10/07/2021 15:33

Honestly, what's the point in pursuing a relationship when you have to push someone this hard to behave appropriately and respond as you need? It sounds really draining.

I mean, ok, you can spoonfeed him along the way, coach him into meeting your needs but if he's this passive, you are never going to stop. Do you really have the energy to carry the relationship, with all the doubt (can he really be invested in this if I need to do this?) that comes with that?

It really shouldn't be this hard. Walk away. Learn a lesson. The most important one, IME, is to walk away right at the very start and don't waste your precious time when you come up against characteristics that are likely to be long term traits, that are going to be hard for you to live with.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 10/07/2021 15:33

well he is @TheFoundations

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