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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to react to this? Am I being a drama Queen?

329 replies

Jueeer · 09/07/2021 21:15

6 months in and pretty much every time we have arranged to meet, it’s been me trying to discuss it. Once discussed, he will usually follow up to confirm the day before or say he’s looking forward to it etc. I’ve told him repeatedly that I would like the next time we meet to be arranged before we say goodbye, so we both know when the next date it. He did engage for a bit and now it’s dropped off again.

So here we are, Friday night. Saw him Tuesday morning, said I wanted to see him this weekend... he said yes, that was end of discussion. We’ve had some texts since and he contacted me today, but no mention of the weekend or meeting up. This is a man who has told me he loves me?!

I know I could ask and sort out the arrangement but ffs, why is it always me having to instigate? Am I being a drama Queen? What would you do?

OP posts:
litterbird · 10/07/2021 15:34

Ahhhhh…..you’ve just said he is on the spectrum….I had exactly the same issues with a lovely man that I had to leave a while back. Same challenges but I lasted 18 months. I don’t think this will improve for you sadly. I really loved the guy I was with but the challenge he faced every day to communicate and be present in the relationship caused me to cry many times out of frustration, then the countless talks as you have had then the realisation he was not going to meet my needs. We are still friends though.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 10/07/2021 15:34

the autism is a curved ball somewhat op, the rules change somewhat

AbsolutelyPatsy · 10/07/2021 15:35

it is totally fine to make what ever decision you want op

Psychonabike · 10/07/2021 15:36

You're checking the phone of a man you've been involved with for ?6 months and see a few times a week? You aren't engaged, not married, not living together...and already you are uncertain enough to be checking his phone. This is not a good situation. He's either just not that into you, or just not that into relationships. And there are some men who just keep women in a particular box and prioritise work or their friends.

Original poster
Jueeer · 10/07/2021 15:37

@AbsolutelyPatsy what do you mean? I didn’t think being on the spectrum would have any relevance here at all. This is surely just a case of him not factoring me in during busy times, not to do with obsessional habits etc. He manages his job just fine.

OP posts:
sadperson16 · 10/07/2021 15:40

Has this person received a diagnosis of " on the spectrum?"

AbsolutelyPatsy · 10/07/2021 15:40

op, it is why he doesnt factor you in, which upsets you.

titchy · 10/07/2021 15:41

It's a fairly significant curveball OP. Maybe you're not right for him given you don't understand that.

TheFoundations · 10/07/2021 15:41

He's not horrible, OP. He probably wants it to work too. But his manner of doing things doesn't meet your needs. Your manner of doing things doesn't meet his needs either, or else he wouldn't be having to take a day off work to settle you. Not meeting somebody's needs doesn't mean you're a bad person, it just means you're not right for them.

OrchestraOfWankery · 10/07/2021 15:44

Relationships of any kind are meant to enhance your life, not drain it!

Original poster
Jueeer · 10/07/2021 15:47

@AbsolutelyPatsy and @titchy I’ve no experience of on the spectrum unfortunately. After he told me I didn’t think much more of it as he holds down a good job and has a standard day to day life. I’ve never considered it a factor in his communication. I don’t know what I’m doing, clearly. He’s just text again saying he’s bought some food for us for dinner. I feel like it’s been a horrible, exhausting rollercoaster today. And I don’t feel better at all.

OP posts:
litterbird · 10/07/2021 15:51

[quote Jueeer]**@AbsolutelyPatsy* and @titchy* I’ve no experience of on the spectrum unfortunately. After he told me I didn’t think much more of it as he holds down a good job and has a standard day to day life. I’ve never considered it a factor in his communication. I don’t know what I’m doing, clearly. He’s just text again saying he’s bought some food for us for dinner. I feel like it’s been a horrible, exhausting rollercoaster today. And I don’t feel better at all.[/quote]
Please read up about it as all that you have written about is what I experienced with my ex. He tried so hard too but at the end of the day my needs weren't met. When you see him ask what he has been diagnosed with and get researching. With the knowledge and info it might change the way you communicate with him and how to speak clearly to him with straight talk without emotion as my ex couldn't process emotion very well and certainly not from me. Talk to him, spend time with him and see how you feel.

Original poster
Jueeer · 10/07/2021 15:55

@litterbird thanks. I know it probably sounds cruel but I just don’t know if I have it in me. And even if I did, I don’t think I would know where to start. He’s certainly lacking in emotion or displays of emotion that’s for sure. I was less bothered about that. But very bothered with lack of initiative with meeting.

OP posts:
DrDresaid · 10/07/2021 15:56

If he's like this now, he will always be like it. He's not going to change. If you are unhappy with it then finish the relationship. Otherwise you will just have to learn to put up with his behaviour.
Personally, I couldn't. Why be unhappy?

Haffiana · 10/07/2021 15:57

[quote Jueeer]@Tal45 yes he’s openly said he’s on the spectrum. Didn’t want to mention it here as I know it’s a contentious topic in relationships. Didn’t mean to drip feed.[/quote]
It was almost completely obvious, but many of us who can see that would also avoid mentioning it to you as a possibility because it does indeed become contentious.

It IS important to mention in your OP, because it DOES make a difference. It makes a difference because his behaviour may be something that he cannot ever change even if he wished it, and cannot ever change no matter what you do or what/how you explain it to him.

Please read the many, many long running threads on this board where women who are/have been in relationships with ASD partners have shared their experiences. There are some common themes - including incidentally, plenty of examples of their experiences being dismissed by certain other posters:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4112286-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-support-thread-5

At the end of the day however it doesn't matter WHY he is the way he is, it only matters whether you are in a relationship that is the right one for YOU.

IknowThisIsRidiculous · 10/07/2021 16:00

@titchy

It's a fairly significant curveball OP. Maybe you're not right for him given you don't understand that.
I agree with this.

It would have been helpful to have known this on page 1 of this thread as it changes the landscape. It doesn't change how you feel but it changes how you've perceived his actions.

He needs someone who understands and accepts his condition and you need someone who can give you the attention you need.

litterbird · 10/07/2021 16:02

[quote Jueeer]@litterbird thanks. I know it probably sounds cruel but I just don’t know if I have it in me. And even if I did, I don’t think I would know where to start. He’s certainly lacking in emotion or displays of emotion that’s for sure. I was less bothered about that. But very bothered with lack of initiative with meeting.[/quote]
I am so sorry OP, it does take some time to research and apply different communication skills as well as a strong sense of yourself. I watched countless YouTube videos about it. At the end of the day for 18 months I had to organise all our outings and dates as he just didn't do it. There was a lack of emotion and togetherness in a deep sense of emotion. I tried very hard but, at the end of the day, it was too much of me giving to him and very little back. He is still a lovely man and we still chat no and again. If its not in you to be the master of this relationship then you really do need to think clearly about your next step. Good luck.

girlmom21 · 10/07/2021 16:04

Sorry but I completely disagree on the autism front. It doesn't change anything. It doesn't give him a free pass.

I have autistic friends and family who manage to have fully functioning relationships because, although they find things harder or don't necessarily understand people's emotional needs as easily as a neurotypical person, they're very willing to listen to their partners and work with them to form a healthy balanced relationship.

titchy · 10/07/2021 16:11

@girlmom21

Sorry but I completely disagree on the autism front. It doesn't change anything. It doesn't give him a free pass.

I have autistic friends and family who manage to have fully functioning relationships because, although they find things harder or don't necessarily understand people's emotional needs as easily as a neurotypical person, they're very willing to listen to their partners and work with them to form a healthy balanced relationship.

Of course it isn't a free pass, nor does it mean the OP has no right to her feelings. They are valid.

But she's interpreting the lack of arranging as a lack of interest in her, which it isn't. Esp. despite signs that he interested (buying chocolate when he knew she had a shitty day for sample).

OP is someone who interprets proactively making arrangements as wanting to be with her, and she is the only one who knows whether she can cope in a relationship where the other person demonstrates that wanting to be with her in a different way.

Original poster
Jueeer · 10/07/2021 16:14

@titchy but what about the needing to work almost obsessively and to the extent that he’s ok with weeks passing without seeing each other?

OP posts:
AbsolutelyPatsy · 10/07/2021 16:33

op not only spectrum but he is a novice at relationships, whether he is worth your time is up to you

AbsolutelyPatsy · 10/07/2021 16:35

and now you have first hand experience of having a relationship with someone on the autistic spectrum

HandyWoman · 10/07/2021 16:38

People focus obsessively on work for a variety of reasons, (actually my brother does this) e.g. people who are lazy and or avoidant in relationships do this, autistic and so do people who have affairs - they are unavailable for a relationship. End of. Doesn’t matter why.

sadperson16 · 10/07/2021 17:14

I could say I'm dyslexic, doesn't make it true.

titchy · 10/07/2021 17:16

[quote Jueeer]@titchy but what about the needing to work almost obsessively and to the extent that he’s ok with weeks passing without seeing each other?[/quote]
Flip it round. Why your need for constant reassurance?