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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to react to this? Am I being a drama Queen?

329 replies

Jueeer · 09/07/2021 21:15

6 months in and pretty much every time we have arranged to meet, it’s been me trying to discuss it. Once discussed, he will usually follow up to confirm the day before or say he’s looking forward to it etc. I’ve told him repeatedly that I would like the next time we meet to be arranged before we say goodbye, so we both know when the next date it. He did engage for a bit and now it’s dropped off again.

So here we are, Friday night. Saw him Tuesday morning, said I wanted to see him this weekend... he said yes, that was end of discussion. We’ve had some texts since and he contacted me today, but no mention of the weekend or meeting up. This is a man who has told me he loves me?!

I know I could ask and sort out the arrangement but ffs, why is it always me having to instigate? Am I being a drama Queen? What would you do?

OP posts:
Templetreebloom · 10/07/2021 11:34

@Jueeer

I feel so sad and so alone. Everyone around me is with their families today. I thought he was someone special, I really did. I wouldn’t have bloody batch cooked for anyone. I did that in between my prep for hearings. It was an effort. I wanted to help him as he was worried about his interview and I thought some nice food would be good. I feel like such an idiot. I’m embarrassed. Even now, after I’ve contacted him and said I wanted to speak, he’s just ignored me.
Wanting someond to be special is different to them actually being that special person OP. So many women want these types to be "The One" Hes not, not remotely. He doesnt consider your feelings and thats after only 6 months. Fast forward 5 years, you are married and have a young child. You are ill. Is he going to consider your feelings ? Nope you will be ignored, he will probably be irritated that you are ill and huffy that you havent cooked his dinner and cleaned the hiuse. You will be bottom of the heap and will post on here what an inconsiderate arse he is. Listen to your feelings, you deserve better than this. Disappointing yes, be sad and upset, be kind to yourself. Dont change your values and ignore your feelings just to avoid feeling sad about this and please dont blame yourself.
burnoutbabe · 10/07/2021 11:34

I don't think calling him a loser / say he is taking the piss is helpful.

You want different things. He is happy to go with the flow and you want someone to chase you. He may prefer someone to chase him which you have been.

So you are just not suited. Neither are losers or wrong. Just not suited.

MsTSwift · 10/07/2021 11:37

Urgh this gets me so cross you deserve so much better. Easy to say walk away but hard to do.

I was quite snooty in my twenties and men had to make the effort with me weirdly it seemed to make them keener. Odd psychology that being lovely and batch cooking does not make you more desirable.

something2say · 10/07/2021 11:39

It's not about chasing. He sees her message and it isnt the first one he goes for. Meeting back up after work on Friday isn't an obvious duh thing for him. He is happy enough to do other things. That's not a great love affair is it. There are women, men and situations where casual dates work out really fabulously, but there are also times we don't want that, we want a home with a partner and a joined up life. He may not be wrong, but she isn't either. She's got to be wise and protect her heart.

MangoBiscuit · 10/07/2021 11:41

OP, you need to talk to him. Properly, in depth, talk.

Tell him what he does or doesn't do, and how that makes you feel. Tell him what would work better for you, ask him what he needs from this too, then discuss together what your expectations are. If you can agree on this, great. But that does mean that you don't settle if something is a deal breaker. If you can't agree, then it's probably not the right relationship for you both.

But please, please talk to him. My DP was very similar to this in some ways. He was so very shit at making plans, but he really wanted to see me If I didn't push, he'd leave it to the last minute, then kick himself if I was busy. It made me feel shitty too, like I wasn't a priority for him, just a back up. We talked, and agreed on a set weekly meet at my house (worked best with varying shifts etc), and would "book in" a couple of coffee trips or whatever, for the week ahead. It took the stress out of it for him, made me feel cared for, and meant that we saw each other regularly. Worked well for us.

LondonernotinLondon · 10/07/2021 11:41

Please please don't beat yourself up over this! We have all been there! And I found that I was getting upset when guys did this and I wasn't really into them that much, it's just how he has treated you. Your an independent, career minded strong women and men do feel intimidated by that. It's like it scares them. You need to find someone who is more into the relationship. Texts you more to feel more secure. This man is not for you. The reason why you feel so upset is not actually 'him' it's you feel you have lost again the possibility of a good relationship. The excitement of planning trips, going out has suddenly been taken from you and of course you feel disappointment that's natural. Just take a step back and have a good cry and please don't beat yourself up over this. He wasn't worth it.

Viddy2021 · 10/07/2021 11:43

Dumping him will feel awful, but you'll be dodging a bullet, as a wise friend once told me (as have all the posters here).

Viddy2021 · 10/07/2021 11:44

P.S. Because the interview prep excuse is total bullshit.

TheFoundations · 10/07/2021 11:47

@MangoBiscuit

OP, you need to talk to him. Properly, in depth, talk.

Tell him what he does or doesn't do, and how that makes you feel. Tell him what would work better for you, ask him what he needs from this too, then discuss together what your expectations are. If you can agree on this, great. But that does mean that you don't settle if something is a deal breaker. If you can't agree, then it's probably not the right relationship for you both.

But please, please talk to him. My DP was very similar to this in some ways. He was so very shit at making plans, but he really wanted to see me If I didn't push, he'd leave it to the last minute, then kick himself if I was busy. It made me feel shitty too, like I wasn't a priority for him, just a back up. We talked, and agreed on a set weekly meet at my house (worked best with varying shifts etc), and would "book in" a couple of coffee trips or whatever, for the week ahead. It took the stress out of it for him, made me feel cared for, and meant that we saw each other regularly. Worked well for us.

OP has 'told him repeatedly' already.

Don't make this about the way she communicates her feelings. It's already past that stage, and has progressed to 'How he responds to her when she communicates her feelings clearly.'

MangoBiscuit · 10/07/2021 11:55

@TheFoundations I did not say it was about "the way she communicates her feelings" so don't try to put words in my mouth please. I was suggesting, based my my experience of a similar situation, that maybe BOTH of them hadn't communicated this properly.

I read all the OPs messages, I don't see that they have spoken about this in depth, stating feelings, and agreeing expectations. If they have and still nothing has changed, then yes it's time to move on.

MatildaTheCat · 10/07/2021 12:00

He clearly has very major commitment issues. It’s very sad for you but by his age this is a massive problem and not one you will change.

Move on and stop trying to make this work. I love the analogy above about the shoes that don’t fir despite you liking them.

Sending you lots of warm hugs and hope you have someone in RL to spend some time with this weekend even if it’s just a coffee at their kitchen table. Reach out to friends and get some support.

Iwantcauliflowercheese · 10/07/2021 12:01

OP, you need to have a serious discussion with this man. Treat it as if you were preparing a case. The relationship sounds unsustainable as it is. What does he want? Question him in a clear, unambiguous way and make your judgment.

sadperson16 · 10/07/2021 12:17

Take a break for a few days?

UseOfWeapons · 10/07/2021 12:27

@Jueeer

I know I should just step back. It’s harder than it seems though. I feel worse this morning even though we chatted and arranged to meet tomorrow .
Sorry OP, but I think you’re feeling crap because you’re fully aware that this bloke is not the one, not a match, or even into you at all. Cognitive dissonance is a bugger.

You’re feeling worse because you know the cycle will start again, and you know you deserve better and should just end it. All the evidence is telling you this is a non-starter, but you’re ignoring your own feelings and intuition as if you can make it work. You can’t.

You have a lot to give, and you’re wasting a wonderful part of yourself and your life on someone who doesn’t have the same outlook or values . Please put a full stop with this one, and celebrate the next part of your life without playing second fiddle to someone else’s ridiculous behaviour.

Good luck, it may not be easy, but nothing worthwhile is, and you have your precious life and emotional well-being to consider.💐

starfishmummy · 10/07/2021 12:47

Mybfeeling isnthat hes either socially inept (maybe due to a hidden disability), cant be arsed or he is stringing you along and has someone else he prefers and just sees you when they are not available.

If its the first then perhap its worth persevering, bit if its the second or third then I'd give up.

QueenBee52 · 10/07/2021 12:55

Im glad you texted him... because it showed you immediately that you were wrong for trusting his woeful excuses last night.. everyone here is correct.. he fobbed you off and had you sympathising with his anxieties and stresses.. well what about Yours.. HE is doing all this to you..,

He is taking you for a Mug.. please.. don't waste your time with 'the chat' just block him... and give your energies to finding your inner calm and peace 🌸

TheFoundations · 10/07/2021 13:03

[quote MangoBiscuit]@TheFoundations I did not say it was about "the way she communicates her feelings" so don't try to put words in my mouth please. I was suggesting, based my my experience of a similar situation, that maybe BOTH of them hadn't communicated this properly.

I read all the OPs messages, I don't see that they have spoken about this in depth, stating feelings, and agreeing expectations. If they have and still nothing has changed, then yes it's time to move on.[/quote]
Sorry, it sounded like 'Tell him', 'Tell him again', 'Tell him louder', until he changes.

He is ignoring OP's messages now, which he was doing anyway, really. It's not about OP's communication.

I didn't put words in your mouth. I disagree(d) with you.

AllyBama · 10/07/2021 13:15

Oh OP, even the smartest women in the world fall for the wrong men sometimes. Please ignore the unkind comments about how if you’re a barrister then this shouldn’t have happened to you, what a ridiculous statement.

At the end of the day, he’s really not showing you the respect you deserve so I wouldn’t engage with him any further for the time being. I know you don’t want to block him and that’s fine, but just turn your phone off for a bit and give yourself a bit of a break. At this point in time the onus is definitely on him to get in contact with you so until he does (you’ll see when you turn your phone back on), just be kind to yourself.

I think deep down you know this person isn’t right for you, he’s not the person you’re going to marry is he? So what’s the point in all this turmoil? For your own mental health I own end things and find someone who brings you contentment and happiness, not anxiety and sadness xx

AcrossthePond55 · 10/07/2021 13:16

Now you're seeing clearly. It's time to channel your inner Elsa and 'let it (and him) go'. A relationship that causes this much angst is simply not worth it. More than that, it's harmful to you mentally and emotionally.

I know it's hard to break contact. So, set a timer. When you feel the urge to contact him, set a timer for 30 minutes. And at the end of that 30 minutes, tell yourself that if you can wait 30 minutes you can wait an hour, 2 hours, the rest of your life.

thesunwillout · 10/07/2021 13:17

Come on op you felt like shit this morning before texting because you knew deep down nothing had really been resolved.

He didn't suddenly change into Mr great after you spelling or out to him.

I think you're more into the idea he was the one.

Don't be hard on yourself.

Lots of people are on their own today, I know it's lonely but it's much nicer being on your own with a bit of self worth and freedom than it is being lonely because someone is letting you down.

Him not texting back should be the kick up the arse you need to cut and run.

The summer is ahead of you! Apparently the sun is coming out mid week!

Think how lovely it will be not to be at the mercy of feeling like crap.

You can do this!!!!

Cookiebox · 10/07/2021 13:22

For future reference any guy who says they're bad at relationships it's code for I'll break your heart.

How shitty for you. Men like this are time wasters, they're utterly shameless and selfish.
If you're not that into someone you don't accept their batch cooking.

LtDansleg · 10/07/2021 13:29

@burnoutbabe

I don't think calling him a loser / say he is taking the piss is helpful.

You want different things. He is happy to go with the flow and you want someone to chase you. He may prefer someone to chase him which you have been.

So you are just not suited. Neither are losers or wrong. Just not suited.

I think there’s a little more to it than than considering he’s in his mid forties and has never had a relationship longer than a month. Op I don’t know why you’re being so hard on yourself. You thought he was nice, dated him for a few months and then discovered the same as all the previous women he’s dated, that he’s a bellend. Throw this one back, you’re worth more than this
HandyWoman · 10/07/2021 13:35

Oh, OP, I’ve just RTFT and tbh my relationship started a little bit like this. I knew this would happen and we are now at the end of the road. And it’s a long road. A 5.5 year road!! Our situation is a bit different in the sense that we both had kids which was a good reason for us not to be able to commit. Now the kid thing isn’t in the way (our kids are older) there’s no hiding my man’s limp patheticness. Don’t be me! Don’t do a five year stint!

I wish I could come round and hang out and watch crap really with you so you could be comforted and distracted by this pathetic man-child!

Job interview? Stressful job? Come on, you could deal with all that, batch-cook, organise your relationships all with one hand tied behind your back!!!

He is not up to standard. Text him back, tell him you’re busy this weekend. Moving on with your life and getting back out there.

Delete and block. I know it’s hard.

CakeFlowers OP xx

2bazookas · 10/07/2021 13:52

I think you sound very controlling with demands to fix next date in stone before you part. . He probably prefers to be more spontaneous and easy going about his social calendar. Not to live to your timetable .

billy1966 · 10/07/2021 13:55

@Jueeer

Well he’s read my message and no reply. I actually feel like I don’t like him much anymore. I feel angry and upset. I honestly don’t know why I’ve ended up in a situation like this. I knew when I met him that I was shocked he had never had a relationship but he seemed to style it out that he’d never met anyone that was right. I can’t imagine that’s the case, in over twenty years of dating.
Styled it out?

He's had a lot of practice, that's all.