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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me get over him, I am broken

350 replies

Summerdaysx · 09/07/2021 10:48

Making a new thread as I need help.

Dp of 8 years left me & dd. (Have another thread - don't know how to link but it's called dp night out I don't want him to go).

I am completely broken. I can't accept that it's over, I am still hoping he will come back. Although he's telling me he won't.

I am in a permanent daze, crying when dd is out of sight. Constantly texting him telling him I miss him.

What can I do? Please help me. The pain is so bad

OP posts:
Original poster
Summerdaysx · 12/07/2021 23:45

@CatherineMorland I have stopped texting him begging for him back. It's killing me, I want to text him so bad, but I'm not. I just need to keep this up daily.

OP posts:
FootieFever22 · 12/07/2021 23:51

[quote Summerdaysx]@FootieFever22 thank you so much. You're comments have helped me massively and I will keep reading them over and over again until I can believe it. I really appreciate it. Me and my dd do deserve so much more than this![/quote]
Flowers

A relationship ending is rarely easy, esp a long-term one and one where you've had a child.

No wonder you're in pain but he's not the person to look to to relive that pain - he's not a good partner (Or father) and you'll probably only be in for more of the same if you were to get back together .. on fact his behaviour would probably be worse because he knows what he can get away with.

It's a type of grief and time will make it better.

bluebell34567 · 12/07/2021 23:51

op dont be surprised if he doesnt see your dd long time because he did it to his other child.

FootieFever22s posts are very much on point.

you have to have some self respect and boundries.

FootieFever22 · 12/07/2021 23:52

You are not describing a good partner, and we don't know the half of it by the sound of it.

You will look back and be glad he left.

Original poster
Summerdaysx · 13/07/2021 00:10

@FootieFever22 everything you have said is so true. Just the way I have been feeling I would have done anything to have him back, to take this feeling away Sad. But I know myself he will never change. Which is so sad because he had it so good here and I loved him so so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Summerdaysx · 13/07/2021 00:12

@bluebell34567 sorry I am totally confusing things here, he doesn't have another child. Only 1 child and it's our dd. Yes the posts are on point. Mn and all of you have really helped me the last few days when I have been in such a dark place. X

OP posts:
LeonoraFlorence · 13/07/2021 08:05

I really feel for you, OP. It’ll take time but you’ll be ok and you’ll look back and see this was best for you and your DD. He doesn’t deserve you both.

Lillypup · 13/07/2021 08:23

[quote Summerdaysx]@CatherineMorland I have stopped texting him begging for him back. It's killing me, I want to text him so bad, but I'm not. I just need to keep this up daily.[/quote]
When I was going through my own very painful breakup, it was the thought of him being with someone else that caused me the most distress. Not the suicidal, helpless, hopeless thoughts, not the thoughts that stopped me being the best parent I could be, but the thoughts of him with someone else. And then he did just that. And I thought the pain would stop my heart. And guess what? It took this absolute legend of a lassie to bin him after only 2 weeks for being the gaslighting, selfish prick that he is. She seen in 2 weeks what took me 8 years to see. And of course he rocked up to my doorstep. But something just clicked in my brain. I realised what a pathetic excuse for a woman I would have been to take him back. So I didn't and I worked on myself. Counselling, freedom programme, reading everything I could about trauma bonds. It worked and I wouldn't go near him now. He goes from person to person, never finding happiness because people like that never will. I was like you OP I done everything for him. And I look back and think oh Lillypup you absolute mug😂. That is not how a healthy relationship is meant to be. I didn't see that at the time.
As so many wise women have already said, the only way is no contact. Its going to be hard but it's the only way to begin to heal.
One thing I done was when I felt like messaging him I would text it on my notepad in my phone. Message after message what I wanted to say but didn't send. It helped to at least get it out my mind. When I read them back I was mortified that I had been so desperate. I'm not desperate now.

Look after yourself and your wee girl one minute, one hour then one day at a time. It will get easier. We are all here for you OP

Bumzoo · 13/07/2021 08:32

You'll be okay. It'll get easier Thanks

BackInBlackAgain · 13/07/2021 09:02

Oh OP, you can feel the pain radiate from your posts. You will get through this, you may not think you can but you will.

When i went through something very similar i looked upon it as a road, behind me was heartbreak and pain and ahead was happiness. It was a long road but i knew that every day was a step to happiness. It didnt stop the pain or the despair but i knew that everyday i was healing, just a tiny bit at first but i was still healing.

Eventually your steps on the road will turn into strides and you will reach happiness.

But the road is different for everyone, some get there quicker some have longer roads.

Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to breathe and heal xx

You can do this OP, you really can xx

Original poster
Summerdaysx · 13/07/2021 11:21

Today is a bad day, the pain is so intense I can't stop being sick. I really want to text him and tell him how much I miss him Sad

OP posts:
1Saymynamesaymyname · 13/07/2021 11:59

I feel your pain, op.

When I went through similar, I blocked him for a couple of months, so I could get over him. We had a young child at the time and, although it wasn't ideal that I stopped the contact..for me, at that time, I had to.

In those months, I was started on medication, and day by day, I started to feel better. I was called all sorts of names by his family for stopping the contact, but here's the thing: I was in pain and I needed to look after myself.

When contact resumed, I was a whole different person. I'd gained weight and I was smiling. Something the prick didn't expect!

By the way, I AM NOT saying you should stop contact. But for me, I needed him out of sight, so he could be put out of my mind.

But it was the worst fucking pain...and then he went on to marry her. But I'm still here, still being awesome. I'm good Flowers

Funk2funky · 13/07/2021 12:01

You texting him is making him want you less. It’s pointless. You have more chance of him coming back if you stop ( although not sure why you would want him back tbh)
I’m sorry it’s making you so ill. I don’t think it helps you are trying to settle into antidepressants as I found it took time and I felt worse before I felt better. Is there anyone in real life you can call?

Original poster
Summerdaysx · 13/07/2021 12:12

@1Saymynamesaymyname thank you. I can't stop contact completely as our dd loves him and loves seeing him and I couldn't do that to her. Yes the pain is so bad I don't know how to get over this, how to help myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Summerdaysx · 13/07/2021 12:13

@Funk2funky I know 💔 I just have been strong the last few days in regards to not texting and I just want to remind him I'm broken and miss him. Today is such a bad day, the pain is so bad.

OP posts:
squid12346 · 13/07/2021 12:18

Can you get someone to be a go between for contact. I.e. If you need to arrange contact you message your mum to pass on the message and he replies to your mum and vice versa? Then you can block him /delete his number / social media etc ... And try to heal?

squid12346 · 13/07/2021 12:21

You don't need to remind him you are broken and you miss him. You need to get stronger and heal so that he means nothing to you anymore. Trust me that day will come.... But only if you accept it's over and try your hardest to stop loving him. I know it's hard and you don't want it to be over, but constantly dwelling on it and holding out hope is not doing you any favours. You will be hurt and broken forever if you let it.

I was going to suggest tying to get him to take daughter overnight so you can go out with friends and try to have a good time, but you might end up getting drunk and texting him. So probably bad idea.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/07/2021 12:40

@squid12346

Can you get someone to be a go between for contact. I.e. If you need to arrange contact you message your mum to pass on the message and he replies to your mum and vice versa? Then you can block him /delete his number / social media etc ... And try to heal?
This is a great idea. Nominate an intermediary - one of your mums or dads or siblings, and ask them to be the go between for a couple of weeks to organise arrangements re him seeing your child. You don't need to discuss anything else with him until you are in a headspace to do so.

Think of outcomes. The more you message him saying you love him and want him back, the more turned off he will be. And the more anxious you will be.

You need space from any communication with him at all so you can get your head around the fact he's not a healthy person for you to be in a relationship with. The space to remember that you can often judge people by the company they choose to keep and he chooses to be mates and go out on nights with people who talk about 'getting pussy' and going to strip clubs. The space to realise that he's a prick.

There is literally no benefit to you messaging him telling him you love him and will do anything to have BLM back etc. This is going to hurt to hear but his reaction to those messages will be either eye rolls, the ick or laughing at you. I know that's horrible but that's what those messages are doing.

Organise an intermediary to help keep some consistency for your daughter when it comes to contact.

Take a few weeks of absolutely no contact and you'll start to have the headspace to realise who he is and that he's not healthy for you.

Otherwise this is Groundhog Day and you'll be living it indefinitely while you watch him move on.

1Saymynamesaymyname · 13/07/2021 12:43

Please don't try and suppress the pain, op. We will support you, as much as we are able.

As someone said up-thread, do you have someone else who could do the handovers? That way you don't have to see him.

For me, when handover resumed, I met him away from the house that we shared. That way, I didn't have to experience that awful, lonely feeling when he'd pick my daughter up.

Personally, I only needed the antidepressants for three months, as I knew I just needed that extra help in getting through. Something I'm definitely not ashamed to admit.

Original poster
Summerdaysx · 13/07/2021 14:26

Thank you so much everyone for the support.

I feel there is something wrong with my head, I can't see the bad points, all I can see is the good times. The pain is just horrible, yesterday I was slightly better than I am today. Today I feel empty.

OP posts:
Yellowcrockpot · 13/07/2021 23:32

Write op, to yourself. So many people have given you sound words of advice. Please, take them.

Original poster
Summerdaysx · 13/07/2021 23:48

@Yellowcrockpot I have been writing today. Had another bad day. In bed heads doing overtime but need to focus on myself and dd. I can't keep fighting for someone who doesn't want me. Life is too short. I need to keep telling myself this.

OP posts:
LizzieW1969 · 14/07/2021 00:05

Maybe it would help to start a diary, writing down everything you’re feeling? Then you can look back and see progress over time. (I had that recommendation for me, not over a break-up, but as a way to process the pain from the past.)

You’ll get there. I think the new medication will help, it takes time for the body to adjust. Flowers

Original poster
Summerdaysx · 14/07/2021 01:04

@LizzieW1969 I have started writing some stuff down today. Will write in more depth tomorrow. Thank you.

Thank you everyone for the continued support. I know I have said it many times but I wouldn't be where I am just now if it wasn't for all of you lovely people.

Can I ask everyone to please pray that I find the strength to get through this, if not for me then my dd Thanks

OP posts:
Nancydrawn · 14/07/2021 02:40

I have no doubt that you will, OP.

I'm very sorry this has happened. Sometimes I think that bad relationships are harder to get over than good ones. You spend a lot of time in bad relationships playing up the hope and the good times to mask the bad ones, and it's easy to keep doing this after they're gone. You're used to fooling yourself, which makes the cognitive dissonance worse.

I wish you the best. You know that you're worth more than to be a toy to this man, to pick up or put down as he wishes. It might take a few weeks, but it will settle. Remember that the longer you resist the urge to text him, the better it will be. It's like a scab: no matter how much it itches, you have to let it be.

If you need to talk with someone again, call Samaritans at any time. They're there for you.