Please help me get over him, I am broken

[Summerdaysx]

Making a new thread as I need help.

Dp of 8 years left me & dd. (Have another thread - don't know how to link but it's called dp night out I don't want him to go).

I am completely broken. I can't accept that it's over, I am still hoping he will come back. Although he's telling me he won't.

I am in a permanent daze, crying when dd is out of sight. Constantly texting him telling him I miss him.

What can I do? Please help me. The pain is so bad

Oh poor you, op.
If it helps, years ago my DH left me, and I remember that awful, terrible, heart breaking pain, the begging, the texting.
He left me for another, came back 6 months later, we had our DC, left me for the same woman 2 years later... they are now married, with other children.
I regret having taken him back just for him to do it again in the future.

You partner is doing the exact same. Please don't brush over your first thread because of your heartbreak, everything you told us about him is who he really and truly is.

He was talking about strippers and other women, he's was disrespectful and horrible to you - even if you were hard to live with, as you put it, which I bet you were not, it doesn't excuse blatant disrespect and making you feel like he did.

I wish I could link your first heartbreaking thread, as it happened in real time.

You know who he is really and he is proving it to you the whole time. You're hurting and in shock, but people and relationships like this rarely change.

Don't be me, don't take him back just to re-live it again years later, the next time is just as painful, if not more, and all that time wasted.

Please leave it be, and focus on you.

(And if you want to know what brought my DH to coming back, it really was radio silence and he came back begging to come "home".

I wouldnt recommend this, as they'll only do it again, per my own story.

Not to mention your partner is a obvious and total twat)

Sending you lots of support and hugs, op.

Also to add, I wrote many, many letters to him, to say all I wanted to say, just to get the pain out. Never sent them. Just wrote them
And this sounds awful... but it helped me to think of him dead to me, as in, I grieved for the life we had, but knew i couldn't talk directly to him because he was "dead" ...

Not wishing death on him, but making it easier in my mind and giving myself permission to grieve for him and our relationship, without being able able "speak to him"

If that makes any sense.

Were you as needy towards him in these way you come across in these messages.

Constantly texting him when he's told you it's over does seem controlling behaviour on your part.
It can't be pleasant for your daughter hearing you wailing all the time, you might ait until she's out of the room but walls are thin, she will be able to hear you

You need to put on your big girl pants, stop texting, find some new hobbies to occupy your time, do stuff with your daughter, go see friends, walk or do exercise. Keeping yourself occupied will stop you texting, will stop you constantly thinking about him, as will make the break up seem more bearable.
If your doctor won't help, look into therapy, you need to discuss this 'needy' behaviour of yours and tackle how to deal with it.

@Yellowcrockpot thank you so much. That is so sad to hear that your ex came back then left you again for the same woman, men really can't be so heartless it's disgusting!! Yes he has been so disrespectful to me over the years, but we got through it and the last year we were really strong and happy, or so I thought! This is all I keep thinking of, how can we go from being so happy to nothing! He doesn't show any emotion towards me, it's really sad. How did you manage to get through each day? I will try writing the letters and hopefully that gives me some strength, I just feel everyday is more of a struggle x

@HalzTangz I will admit I was very needy at the start yes, I just couldn't believe it, 8 years down the drain and I needed him to know how much I wanted and needed him. The needyness has stopped, but the pain hasn't. My dd is absolutley fine, I really am strong infront of her, putting on a brave face, I will not have her mh impacted by my own feelings.

@bluebell34567 thank you bluebell and thank you for the support.

Yes he has been so disrespectful to me over the years, but we got through it ..

We didn't "get through it" ... You put up with it.

Alongside you saying he walked on on you and your child together (and his step child) before a few years ago .... It seems very much like you need to take the rose tinted glasses off about this man and this relationship.

He sounds like a right fkg c - u - next - tues.

He sounds like he really ground you down.

He's just a fkg twat, he's only a man and not a decent one.

There are others.

You shouldn't have put up with all his shit to date.

I also have to say that with guys like your ex and his mates; what their partners find out about/know, tends to be the tip of the iceberg.

You will be okay, promise. It will get easier. I was the same after my breakup and I am in good place now, most days very happy and only a few when Im nostalgic about past.

For him to do this to you and your child, to have done it before, and the other behaviour you've referred to (we don't have details obviously) ... As I said earlier in this thread; his commitment level is not (and perhaps has never been) in the same universe as yours.

You need to consider that in think about how much you want him and need him ...
It takes two sides, two people to make a relationship. He doesn't sound capable of a good relationship.

[quote Summerdaysx]@1Saymynamesaymyname I think it is properly over. I have asked him several times if he's coming back, he has told me no. This happened 3/4 years ago and he came back, I am hanging onto hope that he is coming back but he has told me not to, he's not coming back. I can't help it though. I would do anything to have him back just now for this pain to go away! X[/quote]
I have just read your other threads in which you say you and him met to talk and he told you he wasn't coming back (that was 7 days ago) on the 4th July you told him you'd stop texting, he asked you for space, yet you carried on texting.
It really is too much, you need to pull yourself together and control yourself.
You also need to accept it's over and stop hoping he might come back

Also if women shag a man and spend time with him, even if he's a shit, they suffer from oxytocin.

Men not so much.

Sometimes attachment and perceived love are a lot to do with oxytocin.

They also get addicted to highs after lows if the man's behaviour is mixed and he inflicts anxiety and uncertainty on her .... Consider that in how you feel about this man.

You sound hung up on a "bad boy" and bad boys are just fkg dickheads when it comes down to it.

What arrangements has this father made to see and spend time with his child?

To take the responsibility of parenting off your shoulders all the time?

To try to give the child some continuity and closeness after leaving their home?

@FootieFever22 thank you. It is his child also (not step child), I do have rose tinted glasses on at the moment and am only seeing the good points . This is why I feel messed up in the head, I would never have allowed someone to treat me in this way, but I am allowing it now and am still bowing down to him like a dog with a bone! But I just simply can't help it. He's not coming back I know that for a fact, it's just accepting it that's the hard part x

@FootieFever22 he hadn't really contacted her for about 5 days after leaving! Then he had her for a couple of hours Saturday and Sunday. Was supposed to come visit her today but came down with a stomach bug 🙄. I just bit my tongue and said ok. She misses him so bad. His next day to see her is Thursday so will see how that goes.

@HalzTangz yes I was still texting after telling him I wouldn't, I didn't want to just give up and was still clinging onto hope that he would come back. I know I was obsessive and still am, although no longer texting him.

@Hehx3 thank you, I hope so x

It is his child also (not step child)

I realised, I referred to your child with him and to his stepchild in the posts above.

He's walked out on both of them essentially twice now; it couldn't not affect them.

Five days without seeing his child, a couple of visits and then a possible lie about sickness cause he couldn't be arsed seeing her that day (?)

He really doesn't sound like a good father.

He's not worthy of love and respect.

@FootieFever22 I know, she deserves soooo much better! He will always be her dad, but she does deserve to be treated much better because she is absolutley amazing!

But I just simply can't help it.

You can.

Think of all the disrespect he's treated you with that you referred to above .... You need to see him for what he is.

Not seeing his own child for nearly a week after walking out ..... what a great guy. It would break most decent dad's hearts not to see their child that long if they were used to seeing them.every day.

He and his mates sound like a bunch of sleazy, disrespectful to women, immature, laddy arseholes.

You shouldn't have to have been putting up with an attached man with kids going into strip clubs on nights out, not even on a stag do.

And when you're lending money off your mum!!! So he's irresponsible and selfish.

Seriously, see him for what he is and get your head in gear.

He sounds like a walking embodiment of toxic masculinity, and you sound like you got up in trying to win him/win with him ... Like your self esteem got caught up in it.

You can't win with arseholes like him. It's like Cheryl Cole trying to make it work with cheating Ashley or later trying to make it work with a playboy type; she ended up looking anorexic before she properly got rid of him (and probably had to give the useless bastard a pay off too). You can't win with them.

*got caught up

In the nicest possible way, you texting him begging him to come back is both massaging his ego and giving him options. It sends the signal that he can have some fun sampling the single life, but you’ll be waiting with open arms if he ever decides to play happy families again.

Stop texting him.

Make him believe you’ve accepted it and moved on. By faking it and distracting yourself, eventually and with time, you will get past this.

she does deserve to be treated much better because she is absolutley amazing!

Apply that to yourself.

Noone wants to see their daughter wasting her time trying to make it work with a bad with money, selfish, irresponsible, strip club crawling wanker who keeps walking out on his partner and child. And I have a feeling theres a whole lot more than that.

@FootieFever22 thank you so much. You're comments have helped me massively and I will keep reading them over and over again until I can believe it. I really appreciate it. Me and my dd do deserve so much more than this!