I’m F, 37 years old, divorced single mother with 4 DC under 7 from previous abusive marriage. I live in London. I have been in a relationship with a man who is 55, widowed, has 3 university age DC who do not live with him but come home for the holidays and he lives an hour away from London by train. We have been together 2.5 years. He has met my DC and I have met his, but it’s been as “friends,” and we have not done overnights with any of the DC around.
I have full custody of my children, I work full time and earn well and the DC spend every other weekend with my dparents and a Nanny. The way our relationship has worked so far is I have been working from home and fitting in school runs and seeing a lot of DC during the day, then DP will come up and stay in a hotel in London and see me 2 days and evenings a week for drinks, dinner and fun (in his hotel.) Then on the weekends where my parents have the DC, I travel down to his and spend the weekend with him.
Since his DW died (5 years ago while his youngest was doing GCSEs) he has not wanted to introduce them to anyone officially until they have properly “flown the nest.” Lockdown, like with many people, has affected our relationship in that his DC came back to live at home through all the lockdowns and have been using it as a base to come and go since then, which has made for a few heated discussions about how I fit in.
I’ve got to the point where I would like us to live together and be together properly. He and I have a holiday booked later in the summer and had agreed to discuss how this might work – emotionally, financially, officially (whether we should think about getting married) and most importantly in relation to the DC. DP has always made it clear he is anxious about the idea of “taking on 4 DC” and not yet decided If he wants to do that. He is somebody who takes child raising seriously and has shouldered the parenting of his 3 DC since their mother’s death and has always used it as a reason to hold back on the next stage of our relationship. He has said he likes things as they are.
Last week DP got really drunk during the England match (we were not physically together at the time) and started whatsapping me very loving messages. It was all very nice then he started saying things like “it scares me so much taking on (DC’s names) but I want to live with you and wake up next to you every morning, so we should just do it. I am all in. I want to wake up with you every day, I don’t know what else will work.” Lots and lots of messages like this. I replied and told him not to talk about it when drunk but he became very insistent that he was full steam ahead and I should be too.
We saw each other yesterday and he was very sheepish about it, avoiding the question and just saying he got a bit drunk and carried away and we should talk about it later in the summer “as planned.” I had been so happy this week thinking it might finally happen so had it out with him and we had a proper talk about it.
Basically his reservations are as follows:
He can only do all or nothing with the DC. If we live together he is not going to pretend they are not in the house or take a step back from being involved, he is going to commit to parenting them because that is the person that he is. But it is the thought of that which is most scary. He will be 70 by the time they are properly grown up, he will get too old very quickly to parent young DC. He keeps saying “I don’t know if I can do that again.”
He said “I earn good money now, but I do not “have” a lot of money. I will need to retire at some point and your life is going to be expensive as you will want to send DC to university and higher education and give them lots of opportunities.”
He worries that he will get erectile dysfunction and not be able to keep me happy sexually (I already know he secretly takes Viagra, but he does not know I know.) He worries that he will suffer from poor health and that will be a burden on me.
He worries about introducing 4 new young DC to the house he lives and lived in (including bedrooms etc) with his dw and DC as if they (his DC) are being immediately replaced.
He wants to be able to have fun with me, celebrate his freedom and grown up kids, travel and have experiences and take opportunities. He sees this working better with him living alone and then me joining him for adventures. But then he appreciates I am at a different stage of life and doesn’t want to lose me.
I have honestly never been happier or had more fun than in this relationship. But I am also very insecure and I can’t tell if I am dealing with bog standard commitment phobia or whether what he is saying makes perfect sense. There is a part of me that is very romantic and just feels that if you want to make it work, you find a way to make it work.
Can anybody help with opinions or advice?