To be reconsidering my relationship because of lockdown

[whitemirrors]

I won’t be leaving because we have young children.

But I am increasingly frustrated with DH wfh and I feel it’s forcing a lifestyle on me I just don’t want.

He’s at home all the time. It’s rare he leaves the house. When he does it’s only for short periods like to go to the supermarket to fill the car with petrol or to go to the dentist. Those sorts of things.

Then at weekends because he’s home all the time he wants to be out of the house. I’m exhausted with it.

Don’t know why I’m posting. Just feeling so stifled.

I don’t particularly want to be apart from my children, though. That’s not really what this is about. Yes it is nice to get a break sometimes. But that’s not really the point here.

Yes the constant presence is draining. that's it

Mine has gone out tonight but I have a teenager too who is still fucking awake. FML...I just want peace

Not overly helpful, but I just wanted to say I completely get where you're coming from-this would drive me crazy as well. My husband went back to work in March, and it was such a relief to be able to just "chill out" (ie look after all my children by myself 😏) in my own home again.

The problem is, it's difficult to actually envisage a situation where there is zero solution - he can't go back to the office at all, but he also can't work in the bedroom (I mean students do it and their rooms are pretty small).

It makes it sound as if the OP didn't want a solution rather than one being impossible.

Op, you are coming across as incredibly aggressive here.

I also don't want to break up my relationship but honestly it's so awful, I'd rather be single than live like this...I think

baby like I keep saying (sorry) you will just have to trust that maybe I know the setup and the nature of the work a bit better than anybody here.

It doesn’t matter what he does. I don’t think you care though, you just wanted to tell me I’m aggressive. Crack on.

Now I get it.

Your maternity leave was cramped by him. Now it’s nearly time to go back to work and he is still flipping at home!!!
It’s awful. I understand. But you will have days of annual leave and time off in the future when you can spend lovely peaceful time with your children with him not around like a camcorder, witnessing everything.
Now I get it. Sorry it took me so long.

Is there any chance of him going back to work any time soon? Could you start applying for jobs on oil rigs for him

Sorry for joking, I hope it made you laugh though.

DH and I both WFH, both from bedrooms in the house, I have to move a bed out of the way and tip it up every morning to do so. It works well though and gives us our own space. If you banished him to a bedroom I bet you'd feel a little more free.

Why isn't working in the bedroom an option? I've actually really liked and enjoyed having DH at home all the time because he's in a different room. His door is closed, that room is his for the day. I get the rest of the house to do as I please.

It's nice having him pop down for lunch or be able to stick my head in if I need to ask him anything.

Really think working away in a separate room would help.

I feel for you, OP. During early lock down, I was on ML whilst DH was WFH and I felt all of the same things. Many arguments were had.

It's just not compatible when you're trying to relax and play with a baby whilst someone is working and taking calls in the same space. It's stiffing.

Like you say, there are no easy solutions.

I do feel like your DH needs to recognise the strength of your feeling, and take himself off to a co-working space...even if it's only for a day a week.

I have seriously been looking at cheap houses to buy just as a bolt hole comedy.

@whitemirrors

This is the problem comedy. I feel so drained by his constant presence that it’s making me feel as if I don’t want him near me, don’t want sex with him, or him to hold my hand or touch me at all. Awful and I don’t like those feelings but it’s the truth.

I completely empathise OP. Me and DH both work and are currently wfh.

I hate the fact that he doesn’t go out (I’ve been to the office a few times), barely socialises (yes I’ve socialised) and is just THERE all the fucking time.

3 I’m sorry I wish I could agree with you but I can’t.

He is not going back. This is my life. Sorry if that sounds dramatic but this is how things are now.

I think DH thinks his presence is enjoyable for me. Ha ha ha.

not understanding how you've got the cash to look at a second home but there isn't space in a bedroom for your DH ??

It might be because you have a baby but tbh I don't think it is a normal response. When you are married to someone you should be able to enjoy being with them. what exactly frustrates you? May be the problem is not him being there all the time. And tbf to him, it is his house too and he has as much right being there as you. And no he is not having it easy, he is working. Might seem relaxed but it is still work.
When my husband was working from home, our only problem was space but otherwise I loved having him around, having someone to talk to during the day and just have a relaxed day overall. If we had the space to give him his own room then he wouldn't have gone back to the office.

Would you like to find the post which said there wasn’t space in a bedroom for DH?

Do come back when you find it. And yes that was snarky.

I also don’t think I said I had cash for a second home. There are things called mortgages which people take out when they buy a house.

I think it’s more the OP’s husband doesn’t see why he should work from the bedroom is that right?

Thing is op you say you love him and want to not leave but you're already considering buying your own home. Either your marriage won't survive this lack of communication or it will but it will turn everything you have bitter and your kids will grow up in a house where you don't like each other.

You say there's no solutions but the two of you have to find some.

You'd be better off putting the second house money into a larger house at least or in him renting a space that replicates your living room

I’d love to have someone to talk to during the day. It would be lovely to have friends over, perhaps, for instance, to visit me and the baby.

We can’t because DH is working from home.

I’d love to have a relaxed day at home, listening to music, playing with toys and reading stories.

We can’t because DH is working from home.

So there are two fairly big things that frustrate me, tbh.

@whitemirrors

glass some of my replies are aggressive because some responses are unpleasant and I’m not meekly accepting it. I don’t see why I should tbh. If someone wants to be an arse they have to expect it back.

I’m not looking for solutions.

what did you think maternity leave would look like

Here’s one day I’ve had. The only day he’s been out in over a year.

I got a load of toys out and let DD explore them in the lounge chatting to her in an excited high pitched voice and letting her squeak and squeal back. I put some nursery rhymes on Alexa and danced round with DD in my arms in my pyjamas. I don’t tend to count my omissions but if I needed to fart I did so.

I had a shower. I came out of the shower in a towel and went to the kitchen to make a cup of tea.

While DD napped I watched Netflix.

We went to a baby group and out for a walk and came back and played with the toys again. Did some sensory play. Drew the curtains and put the light machine on and ‘discussed’ the colours and the movement.

Then DH came home. It was lovely to see him.

I do everything at home with my toddler that you mentioned OP and if it irritates my DH then that’s his problem to solve. On more than one occasion I’ve reminded him this is a home not a work place. DD is going to be loud, cry, smell etc I am going to be loud, cry and if he doesn’t give me time to shower I’ll smell too!! I’ve heard him say multiple times on the phone “let me know if you can’t hear my because my wife is playing with our DD” then sometimes he stands on the doorstep and other times he has an awkward call.

All the baby and toddler classes where I live moved to virtual so he spent from March 2020 through to July 2021 hearing our library time, baby music class, baby classes full blast on the iPad! (I’m in the states and classes where I live are only just starting to go to in person now.)

Just do what you want to do with you baby OP.

sleeping a couple of you have taken that very literally.

Yes, I have looked at a couple of cheap terrace houses/flats in desperation and I have had a fantasy or buying one and disappearing to it during the day, but it’s highly unlikely to happen!

If you’re OK with walking through an office in a towel messy you are a more confident woman than I!

I understand you're frustrated but being snarky and snapping at posters comes across really shitty.

Im struggling to envisage a situation in where there's no room for your DH to work in the bedroom.

Even in one of my pokiest tiny first flats I rented I would have found the space for a small desk.

You may have to push the bed up against the wall, change the layout etc but I struggle to see how it can't be done. Especially if your mental health is struggling for it.

Struggle away then, it’s not really any concern of mine.