To be reconsidering my relationship because of lockdown

[whitemirrors]

I won’t be leaving because we have young children.

But I am increasingly frustrated with DH wfh and I feel it’s forcing a lifestyle on me I just don’t want.

He’s at home all the time. It’s rare he leaves the house. When he does it’s only for short periods like to go to the supermarket to fill the car with petrol or to go to the dentist. Those sorts of things.

Then at weekends because he’s home all the time he wants to be out of the house. I’m exhausted with it.

Don’t know why I’m posting. Just feeling so stifled.

@Sampafie

Wow looking at the time stamps from OPs posts I wonder when she has time to even feed her family it seems OPs been posting in 5 minute intervals. What a belligerent and utterly illuminating display of what living with you must feel like

Uncalled for.

@whitemirrors

No, not really. I just don’t really want to out myself. I think that is reasonable. I also think that it is reasonable to decline to answer a question and to carry on asking that question and then to claim it is ‘rude’ not to answer it is really rather obnoxious.

Who called you rude for not answering? I didn’t say you were rude. Just that it seems to me that you’d save yourself the agg if you just explained why not. But fair fucks if you’d prefer another ten pages of ‘why can’t he work in the bedroom?’ once the evening crowd turn up on this thread. You that’s what’ll happen. Especially if they’ve had a gin.

@whitemirrors
I totally get you. I need space, not just other people in the house in another room, I need some time in the house ALONE. I don't want to see anyone, hear them, or talk them. I've been this way since I was a child. I used to love summer time when my sister would be in camp for the day and my parents would go to work- I had the house ALL TO MYSELF. I was blissful! And I adored my parents but I loved that I had the house to myself for roughly 8 hours a day. I would get irritated when one of my parents took the day off - they were cutting into my me time when I was just 12 years old.

During the pandemic while I was still seeing my ex, and I was working from home he began to muse how he would love to quit his job (he had to go into the office) and find one where he could be at home all day. I remember terror coursing through me. Being at home with him 24/7 (he's a homebody with no social life or hobbies) would likely send me into a nervous breakdown. lol But he on the other hand would have LOVED to be with me 24/7 so wouldn't have seen any issues with it. He's the type that doesn't need any alone time, and if he occasionally does, he's fine with just hiding out in the bedroom to get it. That doesn't work for me AT ALL. We ended up splitting and this is one of the reasons why.

I remember telling a boyfriend I had in uni that he needed to join some clubs or find a hobby because he and I spending every waking minute together was going to drive me bonkers. I loved him to pieces but I'm just not one to be around someone 24 hours a day. He finally joined some groups and sport teams and it made a huge difference in our relationship.

My adult daughter was home during the lockdown and as much as I love her, her constant presence eventually drove me crazy. And she mainly stays in her room. But it almost drove me to start drinking.
LOL When she could finally go back to school/work I it was like a boulder had been lifted from my shoulders. The 8 hours she was out of the house was BLISS. Now if I can find her some friends so she can be out of the house most of the weekends it would be great. LOL!

So I understand how you feel. It's not a mental issue, it's just how you are made. My mom never understood why I would hide out in my room when I was a kid - she said I was antisocial but I really wasn't. It was just living in a house with 3 other people who NEVER went anywhere except to work and the store pushed my tolerance levels and I would have to hide out for a while til I could regroup and get that me time so I could deal with people again.

Hang in there and I hope it gets better for you.

"Why doesn't he work in the bedroom" is going to be up there with "cancel the cheque"

Then that’s their issue, isn’t it.

Or are you saying someone should do something that they feel uncomfortable with because otherwise people get aggressive?

Not a great message tbh.

Yeah I know … in any event it doesn’t matter.

So two things. Firstly and most importantly it doesn’t matter if he does work in the bedroom, I feel the same.

Secondly let’s say I give the reason. It won’t be good enough. Let’s say it’s because dh has a dd from a previous relationship and that’s her bedroom and she’s in it during the day. People would STILL try to ‘solve’ it, so it’s daft.

He can’t work in the bedroom.

Even if he could it makes no difference.

That’s it.

sunny - that was a lovely post. Thanks.

But then it is rather difficult for posters to offer advice in those circumstances.

If I had entitled my post ‘AIBU to ask for advice on how to get dh to move into the bedroom’i would wholeheartedly agree, but I didn’t.

@whitemirrors

Then that’s their issue, isn’t it.

Or are you saying someone should do something that they feel uncomfortable with because otherwise people get aggressive?

Not a great message tbh.

What an odd take. That’s quite a leap to get there from what I’d posted.

If it’s more uncomfortable for you to explain the bedroom situation than it is to endure being asked the same question over and over then, cool. As you were.

What do you want from this thread OP?

I think I’ve answered that more than once.

I am also on mat leave with a WFH DH and I feel your pain!!
I am the same as you, just want to make a mess and then clear it up at the end of the day. He will passively aggressively say to me 2 minutes after I have finished my breakfast "I'll put your bowl in the dishwasher then" Arghhhh it does my head in!
I feel like I am spending most of my mat leave just avoiding him as much as I can. He also talks so loudly and wakes baby up all the time. He also hates white noise and says it gives him a headache.

I'm surprised how much support and advice the OP has been given since her attitude stinks, there's plenty of people on MN who need kind comments and suggestions who aren't going to be so rude

I couldn't live like that. I'd hate it. I'd hate every day. I love my own space. I hope you manage to get something sorted OP which enables you to live a life and not just live around someone else's.

@whitemirrors

That’s fine november, if you don’t understand. We all have some things we just can’t process, I suppose.

No need to be rude FFS.

We're only trying to suggest ideas and working in a cafe now and then is just an idea.

Jeez, I'm suprised he wants to be in the house all day with you given how rude you are.

I understand how you feel OP. I could easily work from home and H always has done as is self employed but I chose not to and I go to a shared centre- even though we work together in business . Problem was we have no kids at home anymore and both being around all day made me feel like we were a couple of pensioners— and not very interesting ones at that . Also it’s all very well not having an issue with it if everything is hunky dory in your marriage or you are naturally a loved up couple or have an easy going bloke or one who has plenty of hobbies so you get some space — but not all marriages are like this— my H likes to rant about his work and if I am around the house I feel like a full on ‘rant receiver’ — so OP you really aren’t alone , and I can feel the frustration dripping from you — my solution is that he takes himself off out at weekends a bit - sometimes with kids, sometimes not - but essentially allows you some solo time in your own house

For fuck’s sake, there could be fifty reasons why the bedroom doesn’t work as a WFH space! Maybe there’s no room for furniture other than a double bed! Maybe OP and her husband get up at different times for the day and she doesn’t want to be getting ready in front of a zoom call! Maybe he needs specialist equipment that the bedroom can’t accommodate! Maybe the internet is shit in there! Maybe it’s where OP’s baby naps in the day! Maybe there aren’t enough sockets!

For whatever reason, it doesn’t work. There’s no way some stranger on mumsnet is going to have a better idea than OP about whether or not it works. And OP has said about 93 times that it doesn’t matter anyway because the layout of the flat means he would still be in their laps even if he was in the bedroom.

Just accept that it’s not a workable solution and stop using it as a stick to beat a woman at the end of her tether!

OP, I hear you. It's tough. Similar set up in our house but my DP works in a spare bedroom. All hail that spare bedroom. The spare bedroom is saving our lives right now. I can merrily fart in the other room.

It's not easy to have a house turn into an office and a family home all of a sudden, especially when there are kids about. It's not easy to be with the same person 24/ 7...doesn't matter if your husband is the hottest/ most erudite man on the planet.

You're already giving so much of yourself to the baby. You need a little mental head space and physical space too. That's completely normal. Vent away if it helps. I'm sorry you've gotten so many rotten messages. I think the pandemic has shortened everyone's fuses.

If there's an opening to tell your husband that you need to recharge then take it. I hope things get better.

@NovemberRain2 I’d suggest you read the OP’s posts carefully.
I think you will find out why she isn’t interested in you, or anyone, solving that particular dilemma for her.

On the other side, I’m finding people who are not listening particularly rude. Maybe the OP does too.

It doesn’t matter whether it’s a logical response or not. It is how you feel and it needs sorting otherwise you will continue sinking.

whitemirrors Thu 08-Jul-21 19:30:00
Yes but it can’t be sorted, it is a new situation and I have not adapted brilliantly to it, in some ways.

Finding better ways to adapt would be really positive. When it comes to the point where it's hard to see any way to make it even a small bit better, that's an indication that you really need some help. While you have repeated that therapy isn't for you, I still think you shouldn't dismiss it. I think you should also talk to your GP.

Wrt talking to your husband:
...he’d feel bad, I’d agree if it was ‘this situation at work is really annoying me’ but in effect what I’d have to say is YOU are really annoying me!

You are not responsible for how someone else responds to you, as you have stated many times over the course of this thread. Maybe you could discuss with a therapist the experiences in your life that have contributed to your belief that you have to suck up situations affecting a relationship that are pretty intolerable, or hide a part of yourself from a partner?

In the meantime, how about talking to your H using a lot of I/Me/We and neutral/abstract item statements?
"This situation with your work is really stressing me. I am feeling very strained right now and have been for a while. I'm sorry not to have opened up to you before now, but I felt if I just kept on doing what I've been doing all this time to facilitate the wfh situation I would eventually be able to feel ok about where the situation has left me. It hasn't worked out that way, and what we are doing now is not sustainable.

I can't be outside for hours every day with the baby. That's not fair to me. I can't let her rip at home with you working there. That's not fair to you. We need to put our heads together to find a way for you to work without interruptions and for me to get the personal indoor space I need for the good of my mental health. I am feeling cut adrift from my friends and can't relax at home, can't have people over for a relaxing coffee, can't spend any more days getting 25,000 steps in, and these problems need to be resolved. It won't be resolved just by heading back to work, with the routines and all that goes on there, because I have found out that I really need time on my own to recharge. It's possibly the one positive thing that I have learned from the pandemic.

We need to find a compromise that lets me and the baby feel free to do our thing at home and lets you get your work done. Let's talk about this over the weekend. We might have come up with some viable ideas by then."

Sorry, that was quite a monologue. Maybe you could write a letter to DH instead of making a speech?

If you feel that an honest and respectful talk with DH in which you reveal your problems and ask him to work with you on some solutions would leave you exactly where you are in terms of feeling really bad, then I urge you to talk to your GP.

@Gemma2019

This thread has really highlighted the huge difference between introverts and extroverts. Extroverts like my DH thrive on being around other people, don't need time alone in the house and don't understand the need for time alone at all.

Introverts need alone time. If they don't get it their energy levels deteriorate, leading to mental, physical and emotional exhaustion. This can lead to feelings of numbness, irritability or depression. Insufficient alone time to an introvert is similar to having too much work and not enough self care and rest time. It's really not a case of being entitled or hating your DH or family's company.

Really on the ball. This is it exactly.

@whitemirrors

Moving house isn’t a solution, no.

We will move in the next year or so but firstly, he will still be there, constantly. This has its advantages and if it was three days a week would be lovely, before anyone starts and decides I’m just irredeemably horrid. It is constant.

But I won’t be, it’s back to work, and any holiday I do have is just taken up with him There.

I know some of you are very fixed in the view all is solved by placing him in a bedroom and closing the door and I am afraid it is not.

But it actually is. My partner has been WFH since march 2020. He works in the bedroom, door closed. I only see him when he makes a drink or we have lunch together. I have free reign of the rest of the house, I can do as I please, have friends over, get hoover out, chill an read a book, listen to music or watch the TV. It works because he stays in the bedroom with the door closed

I totally get you OP. I need my space too, feeling stifled in your own home is a horrible horrible feeling. I actually did end up moving out but our relationship was on the edge anyway.

Moving house isn’t a solution, no.

We will move in the next year or so but firstly, he will still be there, constantly. This has its advantages and if it was three days a week would be lovely, before anyone starts and decides I’m just irredeemably horrid. It is constant.

But I won’t be, it’s back to work, and any holiday I do have is just taken up with him There.

I know some of you are very fixed in the view all is solved by placing him in a bedroom and closing the door and I am afraid it is not.

I think if this problem cannot be solved by his working in a garden office - so he literally won’t be in the house other than when he comes in for lunch; and you say that he’s out all weekend because he’s home all week, so you effectively get the house to yourself on the weekends; and when you return to work you still won’t be happy because he will be there when you are on holiday -

Then basically this relationship is over.

That is why no door, no wall, no garden, no weekend will ever be enough distance from him. You simply do not want to be around him enough to stay married to him.

@MissChanandlerBong90

Fuck me you're rude.

I actually don’t think the OP’s response was at all rude. Someone said for the billionth time that they don’t understand why he can’t work in a cafe. He can’t. She’s said that he can’t till she’s blue in the face. She doesn’t need to explain why. She hasn’t said what he does and neither should she be required to but I can think of at least five roles off the top of my head where WFH is ok but working in a public space is not. In my job, WFH is fine but working in a public space could potentially be gross misconduct.

If people don’t understand that there are lots of jobs where working in a public space isn’t an option, what else can you say?

But 8f she explained why, then maybe people would stop asking. I'm sorry but the op has been rude and snappy several times