To be reconsidering my relationship because of lockdown

[whitemirrors]

I won’t be leaving because we have young children.

But I am increasingly frustrated with DH wfh and I feel it’s forcing a lifestyle on me I just don’t want.

He’s at home all the time. It’s rare he leaves the house. When he does it’s only for short periods like to go to the supermarket to fill the car with petrol or to go to the dentist. Those sorts of things.

Then at weekends because he’s home all the time he wants to be out of the house. I’m exhausted with it.

Don’t know why I’m posting. Just feeling so stifled.

It doesn’t matter whether it’s a logical response or not. It is how you feel and it needs sorting otherwise you will continue sinking.

Yes but it can’t be sorted, it is a new situation and I have not adapted brilliantly to it, in some ways.

In many ways life is happier and more stable than it has been for a long time. But home was always my safe space, my bolthole, and now it is not.

Op being logical doesn’t matter! I have bipolar and quite often am not logical but I always talk to my husband about things that are upsetting me even if it’s something really stupid (which being pregnant and unmedicated it usually is). Sometimes just hearing that he understands and a cuddle can make the world of difference.

Yes but the thing is littleblaccat he’d feel bad, I’d agree if it was ‘this situation at work is really annoying me’ but in effect what I’d have to say is YOU are really annoying me!

I don't think I "got" it when I first saw the thread, but I have been feeling sorry for my teenagers who would normally have the house to themselves in the holidays, so I think I do now. We are always here, I know the relationship is different and they are mostly in their rooms, but I can see it has an effect.

In fact one of the reasons I asked to be allowed back into the office a couple of days a week is because I just needed a break from considering other people, just being able to make myself some lunch without offering to make something for someone else, so I think I understand more now.

And there are no solutions, so you just want to rail against it and have some sympathy.

What’s wrong with that? I tell my husband he annoys me all the time
But there are certain things he takes on board and actively tries to be less annoying. Same when he tells me I’m being annoying. It may not feel like it but if you speak to him there may be a slight thing he could change that might make a huge difference.

My DH is literally in the way. Right in the middle of our living room/dining room. I have to sneak round him to get to my section of the dining table for me to work. He kinda blocks the door to our tiny kitchen too.

I have made it very clear to him that he is in the way. That this is our home first and his workplace second. That we want to be able to relax, make noise, slouch around.

There is give and take. Our (older) children game so wear headphones. We've put a tv in our bedroom so they can game there too.

It's definitely easier with older children.

Could you have a similar conversation with your DH and make sure he knows it's your home first and his workplace second? That has no value judgements about him it's about the importance of home over workplace.

I'm currently hiding in our bedroom for some peace. My DH jokes that he knows I need to go to my "fortress of solitude" sometimes.

I hope you get what you need OP.

Yes but it can’t be sorted, it is a new situation and I have not adapted brilliantly to it, in some ways.

It may be impossible to sort wholly, although TBH I'd wager that everything is somewhat sortable to an extent - if there is a will there is a way - but it could be possible to mitigate the effect it's having on you, and surely that is better than doing nothing. You need to talk to your husband and try to find if not a solution then at least some way of managing the situation.

@thisplaceisweird

He gets up at 815 for an 830 start, he gets all the time in the world to chill at home alone

I'm guessing you don't work and you have the classic misconception that working from home is the same as 'chilling at home'.

I work from home at the moment, and after I drop the children at school and childminder, I have the house to myself working all day. It is waaaay easier than trying to look after the kids at home with someone else there saying I should be tidier whilst working in peace.

OP, I feel your pain - but just on your behalf as I'm a single parent!

It can’t be sorted completely but it’s likely there will be a few small tweaks that can be made. They won’t be perfect solutions but they could help to mitigate things and soften your response a little. You need some breathing space, that’s coming out loud and clear, and to be honest I’m a little worried that you’re so hesitant to speak to him honestly about this.

@whitemirrors

Yes but it can’t be sorted, it is a new situation and I have not adapted brilliantly to it, in some ways.

In many ways life is happier and more stable than it has been for a long time. But home was always my safe space, my bolthole, and now it is not.

Everything has a way of being sorted somehow, don't lose hope x

If you're worried about hurting your DH's feelings there's alternative routes to help ameliorate any fallout - e.g. writing a letter that outlines your feelings and your sense of loss around of maternity + an acknowledgement that you know your feelings aren't entirely rational (but are felt very deeply). If your DH is a decent person then he will want to make you feel comfortable in your own home - maybe even help save the last few weeks of your mat leave and give you the experience you've been craving (for e.g. maybe for just a few weeks he can rent out an AirBnB near by or a hotel?). If you're at a point where you feel this level of upset then I think it's worth the financial hit.

This post really stood out to me:
I just feel as I feel.

You don't need to feel that way, and you can talk through your feelings for free with a licensed professional through the NHS if you really don't want to pay NHS Talking Therapies. I get that the idea of therapy can be scary, but it can be a helpful tool - you have nothing to lose from trying it.

I honestly don’t think that I need therapy for this and I am quite surprised that some are so sure that I do.

The last thing I wish is to sound rude but I really have no interest at all in counselling or therapy. I have always enjoyed my own space. I have spent the majority of my life single and living alone (possibly because i am not a very nice person, as nigella came on just to tell me - of course only nice people would do this) and while many aspects of this I disliked I did like the freedom I had to do whatever I wanted.

Losing some of that is fine. Losing all of it has been hard. I have gone from finding it fine (march - October 2020 I would say) to a bit annoying (roughly November - March) to annoying and just recently unbearable, sometimes. Possibly because my maternity leave is coming to an end and the summer holidays are approaching and it would be nice to see my friends and it’s frustrating I can’t.

I don’t think it’s up to you to sort OP, it’s up to him.

WFH is not convenient or practicable longer term. His employers need to offer an alternative. It’s not reasonable for them to monopolise yours and your daughter’s living space for their benefit. Unless they’re going to start paying half your mortgage and overheads they can fuck off. Is there a reason why you can’t speak to your DH and tell him it’s not working for you?

If my DH comments on my Amazon deliveries or my farting (which is hardly ever, to be fair) I tell him in no uncertain terms to shut the hell up. When he was manspreading all over the kitchen table in the only communal open plan space in the house, I told him to bugger off out of the way and if his bosses didn’t like it they could build us an extension.

Everyone in the house deserves equal consideration, not just the person with ‘the job’.

You keep talking about him like he’s a good, decent, lovely man. But is it really not registering with him that you’re pounding the streets with your daughter every day so he can zoom in peace? The priorities are all wrong. But you seem very reluctant to point this out to him.

Is it that he actually could work in the bedroom but you daren’t push the issue because he refuses to do it? I don’t understand why you wouldn’t just explain why the bedrooms are a no go and save yourself loads of frustrated posts in response to the same question. Unless you’ve got a sex dungeon in there, or an illegal puppy farm or something, I can’t understand why he couldn’t just shut himself in the bedroom for a couple of hours while you have a mate over or catch up on Love Island while DD naps or whatever.

If you feel you can’t raise any of this with him then of course that’s a different issue.

But it’s weird that you’re not angry with him - despite his selfishly dominating the living space and his obliviousness to the impact on you and DD - but you’re angry with posters on this thread for asking perfectly logical, obvious questions, the answers to which might help you.

No, that isn’t it with the bedroom and honestly I prefer things as they are. Sorry, I’m mildly terrified of another ten pages of ‘why can’t he work in the bedroom’

As things stand, any alternatives to WFH would be extremely expensive and it isn’t reasonable to demand it. I am hoping he will explore this once a week during the summer holidays so I can see friends and that is something I will be raising with him.

Sorry, I’m mildly terrified of another ten pages of ‘why can’t he work in the bedroom’

Well, yes. But that would be very easily prevented by just explaining why not.

Do you mean you don’t want to explain why he can’t work in the bedroom and then have ten pages of people telling you how it could work? Because that’s a different thing.

Why do people want to know so badly?

I really don’t understand this.

I said on page one he can’t, and the reasons why are not important. He can’t.

Why is any more information necessary?

@billy1966

OP,

Just one last post to explain something to you about MN.....a site supposedly to support women...

....there are a cohort of women on here who cannot cope with a woman like you wanting to vent and being cranky.

Women are supposed to be chirpy even when they are very pissed off.

OP's aren't allowed to dismiss suggestions or not allowed to refuse to answer the same questions over and over.

They are certainly not allowed to want to just be fed up and not want solutions.

Oh and any snippiness will results in personal insults, and lots of god help your poor partner.

Probably not the best place to come for a vent when half the people don't read the OP's posts despite it being so easy to.

Or some are just to obtuse to understand the most obvious of narratives and insist on making completely unrelated comparisons.....

Some women just cannot cope with women not being happy and cheerful with their lot 24 hours a day.

What nonsense.

@Sampafie

This isn’t AIBU. If you’ve nothing constructive to add why don’t you just run along and be goady somewhere else?

What’s with all the twatty comments?

Quite funny that I get a belligerent blasting from someone for apparently being too belligerent and posting here when I should be chained to the oven, or something.

@whitemirrors

Why do people want to know so badly?

I really don’t understand this.

I said on page one he can’t, and the reasons why are not important. He can’t.

Why is any more information necessary?

Well because you say you don’t want to have ten pages of people asking the same question, but yet you don’t want to answer the question. Not giving an answer seems to be inconveniencing you more than it’s bothering the posters who are asking. But you’d rather perpetuate the inconvenience to yourself than put a stop to it.

Sound familiar?

No, not really. I just don’t really want to out myself. I think that is reasonable. I also think that it is reasonable to decline to answer a question and to carry on asking that question and then to claim it is ‘rude’ not to answer it is really rather obnoxious.