To be reconsidering my relationship because of lockdown

[whitemirrors]

I won’t be leaving because we have young children.

But I am increasingly frustrated with DH wfh and I feel it’s forcing a lifestyle on me I just don’t want.

He’s at home all the time. It’s rare he leaves the house. When he does it’s only for short periods like to go to the supermarket to fill the car with petrol or to go to the dentist. Those sorts of things.

Then at weekends because he’s home all the time he wants to be out of the house. I’m exhausted with it.

Don’t know why I’m posting. Just feeling so stifled.

I have a feeling you will still be here at gone midnight telling me that you do want to help but I’m a bad person so you’d rather say that cream

Look at those SS. Do you think you are coming across as wanting to help or wanting to attack?

The other day DD had a great game banging spoons on the kitchen floor. The kitchen leads directly into where DH works - no door - we just can’t do that.

How much would a door cost?
What are the practical difficulties around fittiang one?
I take it from your comments about DH and the parcels, DH and your baby crying when you nip to the loo, DH and the wet towels, DH and the farting, that DH seems to be unable to concentrate on his work where he is. Fitting a door (plus perhaps soundproof panels) would help you both. I assume you will feel this is impossible though.

The fact that you can't appreciate suggestions of solutions and can't see any way of speaking to your H bespeak hopelessness. This comes across strongly.
I/we 'just can't' do anything to make this better... This is how my life will be, forever more, amen... I have lost the only time I could ever have enjoyed with the baby, and it will never be back again...I can't speak to DH about this without risking the entire relationship...

Essentially, you don't feel comfortable talking to your H about how you are feeling, and you have ruled out all practical solutions involving space that might make you feel better. Your own feelings are holding you back here. You are imprisoned to a large extent by your feelings of disappointment and loss and hopelessness. You are describing a strong sense of loss - loss of the mat leave you dreamed of, and loss of feeling you can be yourself in your own home. But there is anger too, and you need to get to the bottom of it.

The level of anger, the sarcasm, the snark, the division of posters into good camps and bad, directed at other human beings in your posts is not explained by constant questions about working in the bedroom, or the garden.

You say you are not interested in therapy, but you sound depressed and overwhelmed and lost. I urge you to consider talking to your GP. The feeling that everything is impossible and nothing can be done to make it better, even talking to your H, is an indication that you might need help.

I’ll indulge

Where in the house is he working?

The lounge / dining area

Can he be in a separate room so you can have your own time in another room.

No

Could you fit a small shed in the garden to turn into an office, freeing the house up for you and your child to work from.

No

Do you have family or friends near by that have a spare room that he can work in?

No.

Ha ha i wont as you clearly wont listen to anyone and definitely don't want help so I wont waste any more time.

I wanted to help, why don't you talk to your dh instead of spending time showing me my own posts , which is bizarre.

I see another poster just asked about your dh working in another room , better shout them down too hey?

Yes it did feel like that last night math

I had been woken up numerous times and I knew I wouldn’t get any downtime today. It felt overwhelming.

Today, not so much. Still not ideal but not as bad either.

I don’t want therapy. But thanks.

AAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH
THIS THREAD IS STILL GOING!!!!

Your point?

You have nothing to lose by talking to a therapist or to your GP.

And possibly much to gain.

I don’t think that’s true actually. I think it’s fairly well recorded that therapy can impact negatively as well as positively on people. Plus, it isn’t free so I do have things to lose!

You can get those large room dividers that can almost create another room, would that help with privacy at all? I think so many people are wfh and companies are absolutely expecting background noise, so I wouldn't worry about noise as such! I get not wanting to be seen if he's on zoom etc, so the screens might be a bit of a blessing so you can chill in the lounge and walk about freely?

You do sound really hopeless OP and generally quite isolated/disconnected from your husband. It makes a huge difference to many of us when a WFH partner has their own home office as the living space can be reclaimed by the SAH parent so I'm not sure why you say even if he could work somewhere else it wouldn't help. That's by the by really though, the main thing is, your husband needs to know how you feel.

@itsme1978 yes, it’s still going. And it’s now in Relationships. Just as a little heads up.

@whitemirrors I do agree with much of what @mathanxiety says above. You need to speak to your DH about this and also, if you don’t start feeling better in yourself soon, to your GP.

Does your DH listen to you? Is he responsive when you tell him you want or need things, or do you not tell him anything at all about how you’re feeling?

I think I’ve explained this ample times.

How I feel is how I feel.

If you wouldn’t feel this way fair enough.

If you don’t understand why I feel this way that’s also fair enough.

What isn’t fair enough IMO is using this to tell me that I’m horrible, rude or whatever.

What I’ve tried to express is that DH being home all the time has consequences. We have little to talk about because we are constantly there. I feel smothered by him which impacts on intimacy. Spending time with him used to be a treat and now it’s an endurance.

Yet people keep coming back with ‘so why can’t he work in the bedroom.’

I'd just leave the thread or ask for it to be removed tbh - it's clearly not helping, I don't think you're going to get what you're looking for here so why continue if it's upsetting you.

It depends with DH and feelings. I don’t want to make him feel bad for things that cannot be helped. But as I have said how I feel is just that, it’s how I feel. It doesn’t make me a bad person or the fount of all evil.

stella I am 42 years old, I’ll decide that for myself, thanks.

If he can’t move somewhere else then the only options you have are for you to be out of the house to spend time away from him, or for him to find a new job. He can’t help having to work to support his family and if he can’t move his work elsewhere what choice does he have?
But this is something you really should be able to talk to your husband about.
Do you have parents or a siblings who wouldn’t mind you chilling at theirs for the day when they’re at work?

@whitemirrors I think you will need to be brave and talk to him anyway, even if it does make him feel a bit bad. Sometimes we have to talk about difficult things. There’s no need to blame him for it, and I don’t think you would - as you’ve said, it’s not his fault.. But you really need to tell him how desperate you are feeling. He’s bumbling along thinking things are hunky dory, and there’s not. He can’t help you if he doesn’t know you’re struggling.

*they're not.

@whitemirrors

baby like I keep saying (sorry) you will just have to trust that maybe I know the setup and the nature of the work a bit better than anybody here.

It doesn’t matter what he does. I don’t think you care though, you just wanted to tell me I’m aggressive. Crack on.

If he normally works in an office then all he needs is a desk with internet. Unless he performs experiments etc, then he could easily work from another room. Equally he could work from a shed and set that up the same as his office at work would be like. There is no job that a solution can't be found

I don’t think that’s true actually. I think it’s fairly well recorded that therapy can impact negatively as well as positively on people. Plus, it isn’t free so I do have things to lose!

I sense a reluctance there and I see again the hopelessness, the sense that nothing can ever be better, that everything is impossible.

I would be inclined to think of the cost as an investment in your own happiness, possibly an investment in the most important relationship in your life.

@whitemirrors I think you've been given a ridiculously hard time here and I absolutely get where you're coming from, as per my earlier post. It's perfectly possible to love and care for someone but feel smothered by circumstances not of your making.
Sometimes there is just no answer. Your feelings are valid.

@nigellabrigade

Since when is an opinion against the rules on MN?

When it's a personal attack.

HTH.

Halz this must be the seventh or eighth time I have said that we don’t have a garden.

Thanks, all. The problem with talking to dh is that this is not a logical response. I do know this. I just feel as I feel.

I totally get this. I’m a SAHP and my DH works at home (in a bedroom). Total relationship cabin fever. My DH is going back to work in the office 3 days soon and I am delighted. Otherwise I’d probably want a divorce just to get some alone time. It isn’t natural to spend so much time caged in with another person, even your DH. It’s suffocating. My kids are in school too when they are not isolating, home schooling or ill. It must be a lot worse to be on maternity with a baby who is also always nearby. Absolute whammy ! I honestly think everyone needs a complete annexe to maintain sanity working at home if you have family members at home most of the time too. Not many have this luxury !