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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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To be reconsidering my relationship because of lockdown

813 replies

whitemirrors · 07/07/2021 21:31

I won’t be leaving because we have young children.

But I am increasingly frustrated with DH wfh and I feel it’s forcing a lifestyle on me I just don’t want.

He’s at home all the time. It’s rare he leaves the house. When he does it’s only for short periods like to go to the supermarket to fill the car with petrol or to go to the dentist. Those sorts of things.

Then at weekends because he’s home all the time he wants to be out of the house. I’m exhausted with it.

Don’t know why I’m posting. Just feeling so stifled.

OP posts:
ItWasAgathaAllAlong · 08/07/2021 15:45

all day, not both days!

Ninkanink · 08/07/2021 15:52

Fgs stop it with the ‘poor man’ stuff. You’re either quite obtuse, given the nuances of this situation which OP has explained in detail over and over and added plenty of insight into, or being deliberately goady to someone who is in a really difficult situation and suffering from mental exhaustion. Just stop it. If you’re determined not to be constructive then go elsewhere on AIBU and get your bunfighting fill.

She doesn’t hate him. She just doesn’t want to be with him every single minute of every single day. There are plenty of people who would be driven crazy by that. OP has said over and over that she loves him and appreciates him and that he’s a good man and that when there was a bit of space in the relationship things were better and she was better able to handle it.

There is also the possibility that there are at least some elements of PND here as well, even if OP might not recognise it herself. So just back off with the disparaging comments.

TotorosCatBus · 08/07/2021 15:58

OP's annoyance at her h is similar to how parents felt during lockdown or the school holidays- they love their kids but could do with a break from squabbling, mess, pressure to provide entertainment...

Nancydrawn · 08/07/2021 16:10

OP, I get it, I really do.

There's a total difference between being entirely alone and having someone in the house, even in another room, even for a set period of time.

My husband and I both have jobs that sometimes require flexible working (e.g. not M-F 9-5). I would luxuriate with the quiet on the days when he was in his office and I was at home. It's the feeling of uninterrupted quiet time to do exactly what I wanted to do--felt like kind of the mental equivalent to very clean sheets on a nice hotel bed.

Then covid came. We both worked from home full time, at least in the fall (we're in the States right now, though we're British). We were lucky enough to be able to build my husband a studio shed in the backyard, so that he worked outside and I worked inside.

It kept us from feeling totally suffocated. But it didn't create that airy, light, I get to do whatever I want feeling. He'd come in every couple hours to go the loo or grab lunch or ask a question, and while I love him madly and he was very good about not interrupting, I didn't feel like I could totally focus (and certainly didn't feel like my time was completely my own).

When offices opened up partially in the spring, I spent the first full day of him (and everyone else) out of the house in a kind of stunned happiness.

Again, I love him madly, he works in his studio, and he's not a pest. And still it wasn't the same.

So I get it. I really, really do. That said, I think the situation you have is not tenable for the long run. I know you don't want solutions, but you'll be miserable if things continue as they do. You need privacy, and it's worth paying for.

And here's the thing: it's really cheap right now. Some of the London agencies are doing free office space for the summer. You can get a private office in most big cities outside of London for under £300/month right now. This isn't a hotdesk or a shared space--it's a private office, with a door and with internet capabilities. Even the ones with dedicated desks (so, have locked drawers, etc.) have private phone booths for confidential conversations.

It's not great for him to exist entirely out of the home, either. I assume he has to clear up his mess every night, and transform his office back into your dining room/sitting room/whatever, and that can't be fun.

In sum, I think it's really, really shitty that businesses have decided to go full wfh. I know there are some on this board who love it, but I think it's just passing on the expenses of working (space, privacy, tech, etc.) onto the worker. And his/her family.

Nancydrawn · 08/07/2021 16:10

(Um, apologies for the super long post!)

nigellabrigade · 08/07/2021 16:13

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LilyMumsnet · 08/07/2021 16:15

Hi OP

We're just moving your thread over to the relationships topic.
Can we all remember to be kind, please?

Snog · 08/07/2021 16:15

The pandemic has robbed so much from so many. I'm sorry it has robbed you of the ability to enjoy your mat leave alone in your house.

My DH has been working from home for over a year, it's been less than ideal and definitely more stressful and we have the luxury of him being able to be in a different room.

RubyFowler · 08/07/2021 16:16

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stellaisabella · 08/07/2021 16:17

If you're moving in the next year surely there's an end in sight? Somewhere with space for him to work? Or - if it's really that bad can he not look for a new job?

IllForTooLong · 08/07/2021 16:30

I suspect the OP wanted to enjoy her ML in peace doing what she wanted.
Next year, she will be back at work and the issues will be different.

nigellabrigade · 08/07/2021 16:55

Sorry?

nigellabrigade · 08/07/2021 16:56

Since when is an opinion against the rules on MN?

RubyFowler · 08/07/2021 16:59

You called her a horrible person. That's just a personal attack.

nigellabrigade · 08/07/2021 17:52

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RubyFowler · 08/07/2021 17:54

I disagree, I think she sounds fed up.

Creamsoda77 · 08/07/2021 17:55

Any bedroom can adapt to wfh. Have you given us a reason yet?

So you want the house empty sometimes, don't we all??

Creamsoda77 · 08/07/2021 17:59

Ok i read it wouldnt matter if he worked in a different room as he is still there, what do you want exactly OP, I am struggling here.

whitemirrors · 08/07/2021 18:00

Why do you want to know so badly cream?

If you can give me a really good reason why it’s so important I’ll happily share.

Thanks for the kind replies above.

OP posts:
whitemirrors · 08/07/2021 18:00

I am struggling here

Clearly.

OP posts:
ClawedButler · 08/07/2021 18:01

Have to say that the lifestyle you describe sounds blissful. But very few people actually manage to have that. My ML was hell on earth. I also didn't get any time alone, and I hated it. It's not unreasonable to want that kind of life, but it is unreasonable to expect it.

layladomino · 08/07/2021 18:04

You do know when your DH is WFH he isn't 'chilling'?

Completely see why this can be suffocating for you, but it's no great party for him either. Perhaps if you didn't see it as him having the life of riley and chilling all the time (which you've said a few times) then you might feel warmer towards him?

Aside from that, I get what you're saying. It is what it is. Noone's fault. Your DH hasn't done anything wrong. You just want to enjoy your own home in peace, which for you means not having your DH around. (Presumably you don't mind when he isn't working, ie you can make a noise or have people around then?) Perhaps you just need to be honest with him about it? It could be hurtful, but better than it festering and causing you problems (which you've said it already is - he'd probably be glad to know what the reason is).

Genuinly hope you get some respite and can enjoy the rest of your ML.

RubyFowler · 08/07/2021 18:07

clawedbutler Very few people spend their maternity leave in the house with their babies and DH not coming home until after work?
Having friends over for coffee? New friends made at baby group?
Singing nursery rhymes and banging pans with wooden spoons? Staying in PJs all morning if you've had a bad night?
That's exactly how my first mat leave was. Admittedly that was 13 years ago and not in lockdown but I would not have wanted my DH around all day every day, especially if he was working.

Newmumatlast · 08/07/2021 18:09

@whitemirrors

One where I can sing and laugh and listen to music at home. Have a bath or shower and potter about in my bra and pants for a bit. Have an uninteresting Amazon parcel delivered and only me know of its existence. Have friends round. Listen to the radio. Stay in my pyjamas until midday. Eat breakfast and still be hungry and have another breakfast.
Tbh I do all of this with my husband working from home and he does with me working from home when we are on different hours/have days off. Save for of course we both hear if there is a delivery.

Is some of this because of how your relationship is? I say that as neither my husband and I really care if the other gets a delivery. We don't know whats in the package unless the other volunteers the info as we respect eachothers privacy so all we know is one of us have had a delivery. Neither of us care what the other has chosen to spend their own money on in a sense that it would make the other uncomfortable to receive things. Presents are therefore safe from spoiling the surprise. Similarly neither of us feels uncomfortable being in our pants or pjs. We don't question what the other is doing if its our own free time. We just avoid one another's cameras on zoom calls if we need to come into the same space, as noone needs their partner's colleagues seeing their pants lol. But we don't feel uneasy in our own home as we are used to seeing eachother chill. We do have to avoid times when confidential call/meeting is taking place so wont go into one another's space then but general work day if one of us is singing theyre singing. It's our home after all. We use headphones which block out the other's noise if needed. I also think workplaces need to be more understanding that there will be life noises so if you want to sing and play with your baby do it x

whitemirrors · 08/07/2021 18:09

layla again I do know a little more about my husbands job than you do!

OP posts: