To be reconsidering my relationship because of lockdown

[whitemirrors]

I won’t be leaving because we have young children.

But I am increasingly frustrated with DH wfh and I feel it’s forcing a lifestyle on me I just don’t want.

He’s at home all the time. It’s rare he leaves the house. When he does it’s only for short periods like to go to the supermarket to fill the car with petrol or to go to the dentist. Those sorts of things.

Then at weekends because he’s home all the time he wants to be out of the house. I’m exhausted with it.

Don’t know why I’m posting. Just feeling so stifled.

Does he have flexiable working? Just a couple of hours a week during the weekday may help you go slowly less insane.

I am not sure exactly of your setup, but we only have the one room which we can work from, so I get what you are saying when someone is always there and have taken out the main room from you

Does he have any hobbies or like walking, or download pokemon Go (this is what we have done, so each of us gets a few hours of being alone)

People are asking "why?" because they want to understand your situation better - either to help or to empathise.

I'm not sure why you posted on AIBU if you didn't want to be told you are BU and didn't want help. What DO you want?

Ruby because he is a good guy and I love him.

I don’t actually want him to feel bad about this. But the way I feel is just how I feel.

It is a shame the thread is such a mess. I do think sometimes you can end up in situations where no ones wrong, it’s just not ideal. If I didn’t have children, would I want to live with someone who never leaves the house? Probably that would be something to reconsider … but I do have children and bar violence or abuse (which won’t happen) I won’t leave.

But it does drain me.

I get you OP, kind of. My DH was working from home the whole time I was on mat leave a few years ago, and that was in a separate office out in the garage so not a claustrophobic as your situation. Pre-DD he travelled a lot so I was used to having the house to myself for weeks at a time and really missed him when he was away.

I love him to bits but found it very difficult him being at home all the time, coming in and making 'suggestions' about how to look after DD, moaning and complaining about work while I was trying to change a nappy or make lunch.

There were lots of good point too, but I recognise your feelings of frustration. He started a new hybrid home/office based job just before lockdown hit which was good for us, as we weren't in each others pockets so much. We actually had stuff to talk about as he'd BEEN somewhere during the day.

If you can just hold on I'm sure it will get better when you go back to work. It certainly did for me.

On another note, was there any consultation with his employers (or you) that this WFH situation was going to become permanent? I find it bonkers that companies can just unilaterally change terms of employment and colonise parts of their employees' homes for work purposes.

I've seen other threads (and ocmments on here) where DH's have insisted on dominating communal living spaces for WFH and I'm

They can ask why tea

If I answer there will be a solution to that and to that and to that but actually I’m pretty intelligent and I know the situation and that’s all anybody needs to know.

But after repeatedly asking why it shouldn’t come as a shock when it’s ignored

Step I hate are you me, but are you me!?

OP,

Just one last post to explain something to you about MN.....a site supposedly to support women...

....there are a cohort of women on here who cannot cope with a woman like you wanting to vent and being cranky.

Women are supposed to be chirpy even when they are very pissed off.

OP's aren't allowed to dismiss suggestions or not allowed to refuse to answer the same questions over and over.

They are certainly not allowed to want to just be fed up and not want solutions.

Oh and any snippiness will results in personal insults, and lots of god help your poor partner.

Probably not the best place to come for a vent when half the people don't read the OP's posts despite it being so easy to.

Or some are just to obtuse to understand the most obvious of narratives and insist on making completely unrelated comparisons.....

Some women just cannot cope with women not being happy and cheerful with their lot 24 hours a day.

@whitemirrors

One where I can sing and laugh and listen to music at home. Have a bath or shower and potter about in my bra and pants for a bit. Have an uninteresting Amazon parcel delivered and only me know of its existence. Have friends round. Listen to the radio. Stay in my pyjamas until midday. Eat breakfast and still be hungry and have another breakfast.

I totally get you OP. This is what home is for. And it’s utterly unreasonable of your DH’s employers to expect you and your baby to just fuck off out of the way so that they can benefit from your DH turning your home into a work space.

Apart from it being frustrating and disruptive for you, that is your DD’s home too. And she’s not being allowed full enjoyment of it. That would properly fuck me off.

Forget about bedrooms and cafes and rooms with doors. I think if you’re at the point where this is impacting your marriage to the extent that you can’t stand him touching you and you fantasise about leaving, then a serious conversation is needed about how tenable this situation is going forward. I think it’s on your DH to push back to his employers and say that it’s not possible for him to WFH for privacy reasons. I know you’re going back to work soon but fuck it, you can lie and say you’re getting a nanny and so he won’t be able to guarantee client confidentiality with the nanny around all day (presumably confidentiality is the reason he can’t work in a cafe or library or similar?).

I really sympathise. But I don’t think the only option here is to resign yourself to an unlimited future of claustrophobia and seething resentment. Fuck that. Surely you’d want to look at what changes can possibly be made to avoid that.

Also, I know you’ll disagree because you’re right in it the thick of it, but your hostility and hopelessness is coming over in your posts as classic depression. I think your DH needs to pull his head out of his arse and understand that while he may have everything cushty just the way he wants it, his wife and daughter are getting the shitty end of the stick.

It’s true, which is sad really, although there are some lovely supportive posters here too. I do think sometimes posters sense when an OP is down or fed up and goad on purpose so they can gasp at how ‘rude’ you are when you retaliate.

I get how you are feeling @whitemirrors It's the feeling like you'll be judged for doing something, the why are you doing that, what are you doing questions. I long for an empty house I can just sit in, or walk around, or play music loudly without thinking it'll affect someone else. Two of my kids are disabled and unlikely to go out on their own, especially both at the same time. I used to relish the time dh would be at work and the kids were in school and it was just ahhhhh silence. I too love all my family, but I need me time too, or just me and baby time, when they were babies, so if they fell asleep on me I could doze too and not have to worry about being woken up by someone else in the house.

I sympathise. DH and I are both working from home in different rooms, but I am desperate for an empty house. It does make a difference if someone else is around.

I just don't think some people understand the need to be alone that some people have. It doesn't matter if you shove him in a bedroom or under the patio...he's still there. You're always aware of his presence. It's mentally draining.

This thread has really highlighted the huge difference between introverts and extroverts. Extroverts like my DH thrive on being around other people, don't need time alone in the house and don't understand the need for time alone at all.

Introverts need alone time. If they don't get it their energy levels deteriorate, leading to mental, physical and emotional exhaustion. This can lead to feelings of numbness, irritability or depression. Insufficient alone time to an introvert is similar to having too much work and not enough self care and rest time. It's really not a case of being entitled or hating your DH or family's company.

I sympathise with you there.
DH is working from home too and my heart sunk when he said he didn't want to go back to work, even part time. Because yes I’m sure it’s nicer for him. But there has been no discussion of the impact it has on me.
It is different when he is the. House. It’s not just about being careful about the noise etc… even though it is part of it.
It feels oppressing. Plus we have very little to ever talk about. We are together more or less all the time!

I also think it’s even harder when you are also trying to adjust to being a mum. There is a need to rebalance workload nd responsibilities with a new baby in the house. It’s harder to do when you are also on the top of each other all the time.
Eg he might well feel he is doing a lot already because he is picking baby up once in the day for 2 mins whilst you go to the loo ‘because he is doing that whilst at work you know’. But in reality, things are much less balanced that he thinks.

I hope you will find a solution to it.
I approached the issue with DH on the grounds of needing to find a balance that worked for both of us. Him using the house as the office (listed impact on my own life - no friend around, no radio etc) . And me using the house as a house (listed impact on him noise, distraction etc…).
He actually came up with some possible solutions to help that I didn’t know existed. And has realised that being at work isn’t just about him, it also has some impact on me too (and on our dcs- see summer hols).

I think it's also about being together in a shared space but not actually sharing the experience ie not being together.
I love being with DH when we're sharing. It's the separateness in the same house that I struggle with.

@Gemma2019

This thread has really highlighted the huge difference between introverts and extroverts. Extroverts like my DH thrive on being around other people, don't need time alone in the house and don't understand the need for time alone at all.

Introverts need alone time. If they don't get it their energy levels deteriorate, leading to mental, physical and emotional exhaustion. This can lead to feelings of numbness, irritability or depression. Insufficient alone time to an introvert is similar to having too much work and not enough self care and rest time. It's really not a case of being entitled or hating your DH or family's company.

You've literally just described my DH (extrovert) and me (introvert). I almost feel a weird physical pain if I don't get alone time

Yes tell him that OP - you never "signed up" for his company. "Look love, I just wanted the sperm and the money, I dont want you hanging round like a bad smell." That should do it.

It is not unreasonable for a person to struggle with changes in the 'terms' of a marriage or relationship if these changes cause inconvenience or upset.

I don’t think this is an introvert/extrovert thing, and some extroverts like to have time alone too.

I think this is more of a relationship thing. Some people can rub along together perfectly amicably when they’re together 24/7 in the same house. For some it has a detrimental impact on the relationship.

Depends on the personalities involved.

For some space can be an issue - unhappy on top of each other, but fine with designated workspaces in the house; for others they don’t even like that.

Similarly - some couples can work together get set up a business together - but for some working together provokes fights and damages the relationship.

get = eg

@Highfive2021

This is the opposite of a normal thread where the OP is snarky and the comments are nice 🙈

Literally the rudest and most defensive OP I have ever seen on here

@whitemirrors

Ruby because he is a good guy and I love him.

I don’t actually want him to feel bad about this. But the way I feel is just how I feel.

It is a shame the thread is such a mess. I do think sometimes you can end up in situations where no ones wrong, it’s just not ideal. If I didn’t have children, would I want to live with someone who never leaves the house? Probably that would be something to reconsider … but I do have children and bar violence or abuse (which won’t happen) I won’t leave.

But it does drain me.

Not sure if you misunderstood me, I said I do understand why you don't want to tell him.

Maybe you were just reiterating my point, which is fine because it was a good point!

@whitemirrors

One where I can sing and laugh and listen to music at home. Have a bath or shower and potter about in my bra and pants for a bit. Have an uninteresting Amazon parcel delivered and only me know of its existence. Have friends round. Listen to the radio. Stay in my pyjamas until midday. Eat breakfast and still be hungry and have another breakfast.

This is my life, but I don't have a partner, it's just me, my daughter and my two cats and when my daughter goes to her dads every second weekend I do all the things listed and more. It is honestly bliss.

The problem is simply that when someone is pretty much a permanent fixture then the other person is working around that

I get that OP. My DSs are much older now, both working, but when Covid hit, both DP and all the DSs were suddenly WFH. I, on the other hand (who usually always does just WFH - but on my own!) suddenly couldn't do my job (thanks Covid) at all, so I was trapped in lockdown with several adults in a house that is far too small with far too few rooms to accommodate that many adults trying to WFH. Added to that DP's job is very much privacy based, so he could only be shut in the lounge with all the doors shut. All day. From 8am to gone 6pm both days.

That left the kitchen downstairs (we only have two rooms downstairs) with a small table where DSs had to set up their laptops. Luckily none of them were as privacy based as DP, otherwise I've no idea what we would have done.

That left me, suddenly no job, no money, everyone else still earning their full salary, taking over my entire small house downstairs and I ended up being shoved upstairs in the bedroom by myself most of every day. For 4 months. With a back that really can't 'sit' on a bed for that length of time. And (because they were all working) now the only person who could go out to stand in queues to do the shopping.

It was hell.

When lockdown 2 hit my mental health when through the floor (and it was already in a bad place after lockdown 1.

So - although it's not the same at all, OP, and I know it isn't - I do get the frustration when there really is no answer. And it's shit. It's really shit.