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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To be reconsidering my relationship because of lockdown

813 replies

whitemirrors · 07/07/2021 21:31

I won’t be leaving because we have young children.

But I am increasingly frustrated with DH wfh and I feel it’s forcing a lifestyle on me I just don’t want.

He’s at home all the time. It’s rare he leaves the house. When he does it’s only for short periods like to go to the supermarket to fill the car with petrol or to go to the dentist. Those sorts of things.

Then at weekends because he’s home all the time he wants to be out of the house. I’m exhausted with it.

Don’t know why I’m posting. Just feeling so stifled.

OP posts:
Flyinggeese1 · 08/07/2021 12:20

Sympathetic chat! Though a cat might be good too.

TheFoundations · 08/07/2021 12:23

the problem with that are that once you have voiced this - once you have said ‘your constant presence is making me miserable’ it is difficult to come back from that to how things were

But you don't want things to stay as they are. And if your relationship would be so threatened by voicing the need for some space, you need to look at why that is. In a healthy relationship, you calmly say that you need some time to yourself, and your partner calmly says that they'll go out for a bit/join a club/start a hobby/visit a friend, in a way that involves them giving you space.

The reason you're so frustrated is because you need time alone and nobody is responding to/respecting that need. That's a communication problem, not an unsolvable 'my husband is always at home' problem.

TheFoundations · 08/07/2021 12:24

@Flyinggeese1

Sympathetic chat! Though a cat might be good too.
coffee splutter
IllForTooLong · 08/07/2021 12:26

@ForeverAintEnough3 I’m sorry to pick on you when there are so many others who say the same thing

BUT IS IT SO HARD FOR ANYONE TO UNDERSTAND THAT NOT ALL BEDROOMS ARE SUITABLE FOR WHF??

are you all working in a mansion?
My bedroom isn’t big enough to put in a desk, let alone one for the two screens DH needs to work. It’s that simple. I know because I’ve tried when I was wfh…
The OP is also on ML with a young baby. So let’s think. Maybe the bedroom is where her baby sleeps too? Maybe she needs that space to put said baby down during the day? Maybe it’s also where she can change baby etc…
Is it really so hard to imagine that people live different lives than you and that some stuff just isn’t available to them?? And it’s so hard to understand that that person (in this case the OP) has to provide full proof that there inst enough space/it’s not suitable?

callmeadoctor · 08/07/2021 12:26

What about a bit more of a timetable to your day that could possibly give you a break? Your husband takes baby for a walk each lunchtime, takes a sandwich with him? Or when your husband finishes work (5 or 6?) he takes baby out for an hour. But timetable it so it doesn't get missed. Just so that u know you will get a bit of time to yourself every day. Also book yourself in for a daily 8 or 9 o'clock bath, take a book in and a glass of wine. Schedule things in for yourself x

Peppallama · 08/07/2021 12:26

I have to say, if you want alone time then having a child is not the answer to that! I would say you need to adjust your expectations on that front.

IllForTooLong · 08/07/2021 12:28

@Flyinggeese1

I don’t think I have ever felt a more negative ‘vibe’ from a poster ever. I can almost feel it reading the OP’s responses.

OP I think if you’d said something like ‘I don’t wasn’t advice just a sympathetic cat’ or ‘can anyone relate?’ this would all make more sense. The thread title suggests you’re thinking of breaking up your relationship. No wonder people are trying to get more info to therefore help.

Well I don’t know… But within the first few posts it was clear to me that the OP didn’t want answers/solutions. She said it repeatedly afterall. But very few posters have actually listened to her and then got shitty because she reiterated that she didn’t want answers thrown at her on the ground that she isn’t listening Hmm I’m not surprised the OP got annoyed tbh.
Ninkanink · 08/07/2021 12:28

@Flyinggeese1

I don’t think I have ever felt a more negative ‘vibe’ from a poster ever. I can almost feel it reading the OP’s responses.

OP I think if you’d said something like ‘I don’t wasn’t advice just a sympathetic cat’ or ‘can anyone relate?’ this would all make more sense. The thread title suggests you’re thinking of breaking up your relationship. No wonder people are trying to get more info to therefore help.

The first line of the OP says ‘I won’t be leaving because we have young children’.

People need to pay attention.

@whitemirrors I see why you don’t think you should tell him that you need time away from him specifically and you hate him being in your shared space all the time. Fair enough. But you need to get him to see that you need time on your own regularly, if you haven’t already told him that. It needs to be built into your routine, weekly.

Also try not to view things in terms of forever - you’re freaking out (quite understandably, imo) because you already felt trapped and stifled, and now you feel as if this will be the state of things forever since he will work from home permanently. Try not to think about it that way. One day at a time, one week at a time. It helps a lot if you don’t imagine things stretching out over a lifetime.

MotherofTerriers · 08/07/2021 12:29

OP, it won't fix this but ask him to blur the background or put up one of the stock image ones. It may make the calls feel a little less intrusive if the camera doesn't see your home

Flyinggeese1 · 08/07/2021 12:39

Ninkanink the thread title says ‘AIBU to be reconsidering my relationship*. I do agree that all other post make it clear that’s not the case - but why post that as the title?

LookMoreCloselier · 08/07/2021 12:44

@TheFoundations said what I was trying to more eloquently

Original poster
whitemirrors · 08/07/2021 12:44

I suppose I mean in my head considering it. I feel differently as a result of all this. I don’t enjoy his company as I once did.

OP posts:
Original poster
whitemirrors · 08/07/2021 12:44

And thank you for the kind responses by the way

OP posts:
GoldenOmber · 08/07/2021 12:47

are you all working in a mansion?

No, so I do a fair bit of work while sitting on my bed. It’s a bit shit when I don’t have my usual setup with two screens and a proper chair but needs must.

But when someone assumed the issue was lack of space in bedrooms, the OP snapped at them for thinking that. So 🤷‍♀️

It feels to me like the OP is in a really bad place mentally right now and because of that is determined that there is no possible solution to any part of any of it and inevitable misery forever is the only only way. Which is unlikely to be true but I can see how you can get to a place where everything feels so bleak.

Ninkanink · 08/07/2021 12:47

Because that’s how she felt right then? Because sometimes you verbalise things even if you don’t mean them seriously, to show depth of feeling and convey just how stressed/desperate you are.

People who post on title alone are ridiculous to complain if it pisses off the poster. They should have paid attention. I’d be pretty pissed off, too, if people continued to badger me for quite irrelevant information once I had stated that it is, in fact, irrelevant and/or not applicable to the situation.

OP’s husband is home all day and she can’t relax in the space. It won’t help matters if he’s in a bedroom rather than the living room, even if it was doable. Suggestions that don’t take account of the actual issue don’t help, they’re just annoying after a while. Especially when people get arsey. No your suggestion is not the amazing solution you think it is - OP isn’t stupid. If there was a simple solution don’t you think she would have already done it?

Ninkanink · 08/07/2021 12:48

(The collective you, not you personally)

GoldenOmber · 08/07/2021 12:49

I also don’t think it’s unusual for people to be reconsidering relationships right now. In my immediate work circle I know of two upcoming divorces and I’ve heard one yelling argument about space and consideration when someone didn’t mute their mic…

TheVamoosh · 08/07/2021 12:50

It sounds incredibly irritating that he's constantly all up in your business, asking about parcels, commenting on your TV watching and using your communal areas to work, with the camera on in a way that means you are visible in the background. That would drive me insane. I can also see why you're saying that it wouldn't help if he were in a bedroom, because you're in an apartment, so everything is still on the same level. However (and I'm sorry if this comes across as an unwelcome "solution" or whatever, bit actually I just went to give you some hope for the future) I'm very much an introvert and my DH works from home in an office on the second floor and hardly even comes out of there. He certainly doesn't notice of I receive a parcel or watch TV.

Sorry if this comes across as smug or whatever, that's not the intention. It's just that you were "half joking" about buying another place, so maybe you do have the funds to get a bigger place, I don't know. I would never be able to share an apartment with someone WFH. A house with two or three floors is a completely different thing.

RubyFowler · 08/07/2021 12:50

I couldn't be in the company of the same person all the time OP.
I also relish time in the house either by myself or just me and the children and would really find it difficult not to have that.
I also understand why you don't want to say anything to your husband about it.
Hes a good guy, you love him, its not his fault.

Original poster
whitemirrors · 08/07/2021 12:56

I’ve read back through my posts and I think the only snappy ones have been when I’ve had to fend off ‘why can’t he work in the bedroom.’

  1. He can’t. I don’t need to say any more than that and
  1. Even if he could the layout of our home means this makes little difference. And anyway he is still There Grin
OP posts:
HaveToSaySomethingHere · 08/07/2021 12:59

OP, I was in a similar situation. DH decided that he liked running his business from home plus it saved on rent so he was going to keep doing it. I don't dig it often but I did on this one. It took a few tense conversations but he gave in. If your DH's employer can't afford the overhead of rent then they shouldn't be business or else DH needs a new job. It's not fair that this has become a permanent situation for you and your family in order someone else money. You never signed up for it. And you wouldn't have signed up for it. It's not working. They need to figure something out.

HaveToSaySomethingHere · 08/07/2021 13:03

dig in. *In order to save someone else money

BarbarianMum · 08/07/2021 13:04

This reply has been deleted

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GoldenOmber · 08/07/2021 13:06

Well no obviously you don’t have to tell anyone why your DH can’t work from a bedroom. But people aren’t asking questions and suggesting things to be nosy or to annoy you, they’re (mostly?) asking why because many of us have faced very similar issues to you about WFH and communal spaces and genuinely want to help.

Spudlet · 08/07/2021 13:08

Tbh, when DS was a baby, there were times I could cheerfully have buried DH under the patio, and I would have had to lay a damn patio in order to do this. The time when he moaned about his sleep quality was a gem of a conversation, for one… I don’t think any relationship trots happily through having a little baby without the odd little dink along the way. So I wouldn’t make any precipitate decisions on that score (unless you’ve progressed from fantasising about patios to getting quotes for landscaping supplies).

But I do think you need to talk to your DH about coming up with a solution, no matter how partial, and get a long term plan into place as well - you don’t have to actually tell him that his breathing makes you want to ream your ears out with a rusty corkscrew, but you could approach it as ‘making full use of the space / home vs workplace / balancing priorities’. And if you want some alone time, that’s perfectly legit, so tell him that, with as much or as little reference to rusty corkscrews as you deem necessary. It’s fine to need that time.

But it seems to me that perhaps you feel like this is your issue alone and that you have to solve it - or not - all by yourself? But even if your DH is happy with things as they are, if you aren’t happy, that’s his business too. So he should take some of the responsibility for making things better.

Anyway, good luck and best wishes op.