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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To be reconsidering my relationship because of lockdown

813 replies

whitemirrors · 07/07/2021 21:31

I won’t be leaving because we have young children.

But I am increasingly frustrated with DH wfh and I feel it’s forcing a lifestyle on me I just don’t want.

He’s at home all the time. It’s rare he leaves the house. When he does it’s only for short periods like to go to the supermarket to fill the car with petrol or to go to the dentist. Those sorts of things.

Then at weekends because he’s home all the time he wants to be out of the house. I’m exhausted with it.

Don’t know why I’m posting. Just feeling so stifled.

OP posts:
ElliePascoe · 08/07/2021 10:33

One where I can sing and laugh and listen to music at home. Have a bath or shower and potter about in my bra and pants for a bit. Have an uninteresting Amazon parcel delivered and only me know of its existence. Have friends round. Listen to the radio. Stay in my pyjamas until midday. Eat breakfast and still be hungry and have another breakfast.

But that's a "nice to have", not a human right! Most people (including your DH) don't get this ever (basically only SAHPs do, or people who work part-time while their partners work out of those home). So YABVU in demanding to have this! Why can't you and your DH take turns to be out of the house sometimes (nobody is suggesting it has to be for hours at a time Hmm) so you can take turns at farting prancing around in your pants and receiving boring Amazon parcels in solitude?

BarbarianMum · 08/07/2021 10:33

Every single day, hours at a time

Is he not working then?

Bellringer · 08/07/2021 10:33

Op I get it, it's a wonder there hasnt been a murder. Now lockdown ending brings more anxiety. You really need to talk to him and negotiate some alone at home time every week. My dp didn't undrestand till I gave him £5 to go to the cinema. Not the same being in another room. It's hard for everyone but he has to adjust to you as well as you accepting his situation. He needs to go out regular short trips, and some longer ones with notice, sharing space not monopolising. Has he no friends. Good luck.

CharityDingle · 08/07/2021 10:34

@GoldenOmber

You’re also likely to get at least some pushback on “no he can’t work from a bedroom it is 100% impossible” after the past 16 months of WFH relationship issues on here.

A hell of a lot of men have declared they absolutely must work from a shared household space and have family tiptoe around them/can’t possibly share in the homeschooling/must definitely have the only quiet space to work from, while their female colleagues are mysteriously managing to do all those things.

Exactly. One poster upthread describes having to basically tiptoe around, even though there is a separate space but her husband/ partner doesn't like being shut away. Hmm I would be putting on hobnailed boots, in her situation.

OP, I sympathise. I think a lot of relationships have been put under enormous pressure in the past year.

TheFoundations · 08/07/2021 10:36

@CaribouCarafe

This thread is utterly pointless.

"Yes you're being very reasonable."

The single response you're looking for. You're welcome.

Yup. OP has said 'I have a problem, and I want you to tell me how hard it must be for me.'

Yes, OP, your life sounds very difficult and it must be horrible for you to have no solution to your problem, you poor thing.

That's it, right?

When actually, most people feel something similar to OP at some point, and can say to their partner 'I need some space', and their partner will respect that. I do think that there's an issue that husband does not respect OP's needs, and it's indicated in other posts too, particularly the list of things OP feels she can't do when her husband is in the house, and the opening of the post with 'reconsidering relationship' and 'won't leave because we have kids'. Those aren't 'I need a bit of space' issue. Those are 'my relationship is driving me out of my mind and I'm trapped' issues.

OP isn't interested in looking at this though, despite the fact that it seems to be the root of the problem. In the same way she won't entertain any of the ideas that would solve the problem. OP insists on staying trapped, and snapping at anybody who suggests she change it.

CaribouCarafe · 08/07/2021 10:37

@Bellringer OP is also angry for some reason about him having the audacity to leave the house - in her opening post she says:

"Then at weekends because he’s home all the time he wants to be out of the house"

The man can't win. OP needs to work on how she reacts and thinks about the situation since evidently nothing the husband does (other than returning to the office) is going to work in her eyes...

Maddiemademe · 08/07/2021 10:38

I get it OP but I don’t get the attitude? To be honest if you are not prepared to say anything or change anything then that is your choice. Getting snappy at suggestions is not helping so I don’t think this thread is helpful at all to you or others.

Original poster
whitemirrors · 08/07/2021 10:38

I think the problem is there is a difference between people who post for a vent and people who post for solutions.

There are times mn can work well for solitons but this isn’t one of them.

But endlessly making the same solution then deciding I am in need of therapy / my children are to be pitied / I have PND because the solution isn’t workable isn’t really fair.

OP posts:
Original poster
whitemirrors · 08/07/2021 10:39

Baby grand, you’re different, that’s all good. I prefer doing those things unheard and out of sight.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 08/07/2021 10:40

But that's a "nice to have", not a human right

I totally disagree....being alone is absolutely necessary for some of us. During lockdown between my dh and dc I felt like I was being tortured by never being alone

81Byerley · 08/07/2021 10:41

@whitemirrors I feel for you! I read all your posts and I understand your need to just be able to relax in your own home, to do what you like when you like, to have some privacy to fart, to sing, to dance, to watch tv or to nap. I don't think there is a solution. And I don't think your feelings about your husband's working from home are invalid. you need a hug and a validation of your feelings.

Noterook · 08/07/2021 10:43

So you have a DH problem.

Judging by OPs attitude, not sure he's the problem.

TheFoundations · 08/07/2021 10:43

@whitemirrors

I think the problem is there is a difference between people who post for a vent and people who post for solutions.

There are times mn can work well for solitons but this isn’t one of them.

But endlessly making the same solution then deciding I am in need of therapy / my children are to be pitied / I have PND because the solution isn’t workable isn’t really fair.

Yes, but that's how the forums work. Some people will say 'Poor old you, that sounds crap', and many more will say 'Have you tried/thought of xyz'

If you see that as a problem, then you have a problem with the way a forums work.

Again, I spot a pattern.

Naaaaah · 08/07/2021 10:44

@whitemirrors

That’s fine november, if you don’t understand. We all have some things we just can’t process, I suppose.
Fuck me you're rude.
TheFoundations · 08/07/2021 10:44

@Comedycook

But that's a "nice to have", not a human right

I totally disagree....being alone is absolutely necessary for some of us. During lockdown between my dh and dc I felt like I was being tortured by never being alone

Yes, and we all need to take personal responsibility for making sure we get the things that are absolutely necessary to us, rather than complain and refuse to make any changes.
CaribouCarafe · 08/07/2021 10:45

Regarding the suggestions for therapy, the point is that if a situation absolutely can't change (not that I actually believe this is the case in this situation) then you need to adapt your thinking around it or just remain miserable.

You're in an extremely negative mindset - it doesn't suggest you're in the healthiest frame of mind. You lashing out at people making reasonable suggestions is not a normal or healthy response either.

Beendownthisroadmorethantwice · 08/07/2021 10:49

OP can you honestly not see how you are coming across? I wfh (and have for years) and suddenly being around dh every second has been, at times, challenging.

But when we realised that it’s looking permanent- we created more separate spaces, looked at ways to try and get time apart etc.

There are plenty of incremental things you can do to make life better for yourself. And tbh if you can’t stay in your pyjamas- then that’s a dh issue.

Original poster
whitemirrors · 08/07/2021 10:50

I’d just like to thank everyone for their kindness and supportive posts. I’m fairly robust as a rule but the feeling sorry for DH as well as personal attacks are getting to me a bit now so probably a good sign that it’s best left. Thanks again.

OP posts:
Babyboomtastic · 08/07/2021 10:53

Are you as rude and snappy to him as you are to us?

If so, I'm not sure you'll be 'putting up' with him being around much longer.

beastlyslumber · 08/07/2021 10:54

Solutions grow from conversations. You refuse to have the conversation and you're angry that others want to have it. If you just wanted to vent, you could have done that, but in fact what you did was asked if you were being unreasonable to be considering ending your marriage over this. People tried to answer that with compassion and suggested solutions that are worth exploring before you go to divorce or unhappy life staying together for the kids.

What's gone wrong here is that despite your post, you didn't want to discuss that issue at all and now you're annoyed that people didn't realise that you didn't actually mean any of what you said and don't want to talk about it.

As a PP said, you seem to be stuck in a repeating pattern of feeling powerless over situations. Others can see you have choices here, as well as responsibility for how things are going.

TatianaBis · 08/07/2021 10:55

And tbh if you can’t stay in your pyjamas- then that’s a dh issue.

At this point I think it would be fair to say that DH has a DW problem.

Original poster
whitemirrors · 08/07/2021 10:55

This morning I couldn’t find DDs suncream. If he’d asked me if I’d checked the bathroom fifty timed then yeah I would have got a bit rude and snappy. He didn’t though. So no.

OP posts:
midsomermurderess · 08/07/2021 10:56

I haven't read all 18 pages, but from next month could he look in to taking a desk in a serviced office space? They can be relatively inexpensive.

DappledThings · 08/07/2021 10:58

@whitemirrors

This morning I couldn’t find DDs suncream. If he’d asked me if I’d checked the bathroom fifty timed then yeah I would have got a bit rude and snappy. He didn’t though. So no.
And if you'd responded to that question 50 times by saying, "no I haven't and it wouldn't be a solution even if I did and I'm not going to tell you why" he might reasonably be a tad frustrated too.
BeeDavis · 08/07/2021 10:59

Jesus I’d have more sympathy for you if you weren’t such a snappy bitch at people asking reasonable questions. There are thousands of people who have lost their income through this pandemic, it’s great that he still has his job!! Bit of perspective needed I think.