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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To be reconsidering my relationship because of lockdown

813 replies

whitemirrors · 07/07/2021 21:31

I won’t be leaving because we have young children.

But I am increasingly frustrated with DH wfh and I feel it’s forcing a lifestyle on me I just don’t want.

He’s at home all the time. It’s rare he leaves the house. When he does it’s only for short periods like to go to the supermarket to fill the car with petrol or to go to the dentist. Those sorts of things.

Then at weekends because he’s home all the time he wants to be out of the house. I’m exhausted with it.

Don’t know why I’m posting. Just feeling so stifled.

OP posts:
LittleBlackCat22 · 08/07/2021 10:59

What a pointless post. If you won’t say why he can’t work in a bedroom and what he does for a living then how can anyone possibly know if you are being unreasonable or not? You just posted to start a fight. Maybe marry someone you can actually stand to be around and it won’t be so difficult for you.

Original poster
whitemirrors · 08/07/2021 10:59

I am not really arsed about your sympathy

OP posts:
annabell22 · 08/07/2021 10:59

I get it. I work in a school. Term ended yesterday. DH is only allowed in the office two days a week, and he doesn't normally bother even then. Today is the first day of the school hols and by 8.30 I was already gritting my teeth at the first video call of the day being conducted at maximum volume with no headphones in use. I am going to be out A LOT. In fact, I am even going to continue going into school a couple of times a week so I can work in my office in blissful silence.

We have no DC living with us and we live in a one bed apartment. I am writing this in the bedroom. Enough said.

Original poster
whitemirrors · 08/07/2021 11:00

Whereas that post littleblackcat changed the fucking world didn’t it?

Where the fuck was I before littleblackcat came on mn and said my post was pointless?

OP posts:
Noterook · 08/07/2021 11:01

The thing is OP the situation is what it is, no one can wave a magic wand and say ah yes get him to work from the office instead please. Dwelling in all of the crap parts of it won't help you, I know you say there aren't any solutions, but there must be, if not then just carry on being miserable I guess.

jay55 · 08/07/2021 11:01

Sorry you've had a really shit maternity leave. Sounds like it's been suffocating for you and the kids.
Hope you can house sit for someone else or something to have a bit of space before you go back to work.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/07/2021 11:01

@whitemirrors

I won’t be leaving because we have young children.

But I am increasingly frustrated with DH wfh and I feel it’s forcing a lifestyle on me I just don’t want.

He’s at home all the time. It’s rare he leaves the house. When he does it’s only for short periods like to go to the supermarket to fill the car with petrol or to go to the dentist. Those sorts of things.

Then at weekends because he’s home all the time he wants to be out of the house. I’m exhausted with it.

Don’t know why I’m posting. Just feeling so stifled.

This would drive me crackers.

He can go out for a couple of hours midweek - or if he wants to be out at the weekend, he doesn't have to drag you with him.

You obviously are someone who needs some personal space and a bit of solitude and aren't getting any.

LittleBlackCat22 · 08/07/2021 11:02

You sound like my mum Grin only happy when you’re miserable!

LookMoreCloselier · 08/07/2021 11:02

I actually do understand where you are coming from and I sympathise with what you are saying in that it is what it is for your mat leave and you feel stifled in your own home because of his constant presence which isnt the sort of non intrusive wfh setup that many of us currently have. I know you dont want to upset him by telling him this but you wouldn't be unreasonable to ask him to give you some space in your own home at least a few times a week and also tell him how it's annoying to be asked what's in packages or making comments on what you're watching. Be honest with him as in the long run it will help. He does sound irritating.

Original poster
whitemirrors · 08/07/2021 11:02

Flowers annabell

Out with dd now. Will probably return to five pages of what a bitch I am. I’ll save you all the brother.

Bitch
Poor DH
Bitch
No wonder he wants to get out at weekends
It’s his house
Bitch
Poor dd
Bitch
Pointless post
Get therapy
Bitch

OP posts:
MissChanandlerBong90 · 08/07/2021 11:02

Fuck me you're rude.

I actually don’t think the OP’s response was at all rude. Someone said for the billionth time that they don’t understand why he can’t work in a cafe. He can’t. She’s said that he can’t till she’s blue in the face. She doesn’t need to explain why. She hasn’t said what he does and neither should she be required to but I can think of at least five roles off the top of my head where WFH is ok but working in a public space is not. In my job, WFH is fine but working in a public space could potentially be gross misconduct.

If people don’t understand that there are lots of jobs where working in a public space isn’t an option, what else can you say?

theworldsbiggestcrocodile · 08/07/2021 11:04

I mean if you dislike him to the point if not actually being able to be in the house with him maybe you shod think about ending it. I get that it's shed with two young kids etc but living your life like this isn't exactly easy either is it?

Elnetthairnet · 08/07/2021 11:04

I get it OP. Thankfully my DH doesn’t WFH full time and I am also out of the house at work several days, but on the days when I’m in the house and he is too it’s just so irritating. I don’t really know why, I just like having an empty house to myself sometimes. And if I was on mat leave with a small baby it would be a million times worse. Sometimes you just need some space!

Comedycook · 08/07/2021 11:05

@theworldsbiggestcrocodile

I mean if you dislike him to the point if not actually being able to be in the house with him maybe you shod think about ending it. I get that it's shed with two young kids etc but living your life like this isn't exactly easy either is it?
I don't think it has to be about disliking someone. There's no one in this world I want to be arour24/7
GoldenOmber · 08/07/2021 11:06

There are lots of reasons why someone wouldn’t be able to work from a cafe. But answering “why can’t he work from a cafe” with “I don’t have to tell you why” is maybe not helping the conversation get off on the best foot?

Babyboomtastic · 08/07/2021 11:09

If people don’t understand that there are lots of jobs where working in a public space isn’t an option, what else can you say?

Those same jobs don't tend to be ones where it's impossible to work in a bedroom (not sure what these are but ho hum) , and where the employer has permanently removed the possibility of going back to the office, so it's enforced WFH forever.

Naaaaah · 08/07/2021 11:11

No one has said you're a bitch. Not one person. You're quite clearly frustrated and at the end of your rope and there's nothing wrong with robust responses but there's literally nothing else to 've said on this thread because you don't want to enlighten any further than you already have. So step away from the thread, let it die a natural death and stop being quite so superior in your attitude.

TheFoundations · 08/07/2021 11:12

@whitemirrors

Flowers annabell

Out with dd now. Will probably return to five pages of what a bitch I am. I’ll save you all the brother.

Bitch
Poor DH
Bitch
No wonder he wants to get out at weekends
It’s his house
Bitch
Poor dd
Bitch
Pointless post
Get therapy
Bitch

Wow. With all the sympathy in the world, OP, you need to have a look at the way you're processing things. Healthy mindsets don't look like this. It's like you want to focus only on how insulting the world is to you. You seem entirely blind to the (substantial amount of) kindness people have offered.
beastlyslumber · 08/07/2021 11:12

@whitemirrors

Flowers annabell

Out with dd now. Will probably return to five pages of what a bitch I am. I’ll save you all the brother.

Bitch
Poor DH
Bitch
No wonder he wants to get out at weekends
It’s his house
Bitch
Poor dd
Bitch
Pointless post
Get therapy
Bitch

I hope you get some fresh air and some perspective. Take care of yourself, OP. Is there someone in real life you can talk to about all of this? It might help to let off steam in a more productive way than starting fights with strangers on a forum. Hope you find your way through this.
HelloSunshine11 · 08/07/2021 11:12

I don't know why you've had such a shitty time of it on this thread OP. H and I have both worked from home since the start of the pandemic and it's doing my head in having him here all the time, and we're both in different spaces during the day. He's messy and noisy and creates work for me. I feel for you, it must be v v hard feeling like you're intruding in your own home, especially with tiny children.

Wishiwasrunning2 · 08/07/2021 11:13

I hear you.

My DH was wfh when our youngest was born. I found it really difficult to relax and actually resented him being able to get on with work whilst I was working out how to be a good mum to my new baby. It's stressful.

He got a job that was office based and I found it much easier being at home after that, it felt like my home again!!

No solutions but I do understand it.

sophiestew · 08/07/2021 11:14

I used to have a friend like this - would manufacture problems that were resolvable but just wanted the martyrdom.

Any solutions proferred were met with "I can't do that" "That won't work."

No love, because you don't want it to.

Babyboomtastic · 08/07/2021 11:15

If this baby is your first (given you say you were debating a second) but you repeatedly refer to having 'small children' and 'the children' and 'the babies', are there step children around that you are also looking after? If so, is that a source of resentment?

choirmumoftwo · 08/07/2021 11:15

I totally understand OP. My DH has been wfh since last March and I really struggle with it. We are extremely fortunate - we have a separate office space and I've taken a job so I'm out of the house 3.5 days per week - but it drives me nuts when I'm at home. It feels so intrusive to be able to hear the constant Teams calls.
It absolutely isn't his fault but this is our home and the boundaries between work and home are increasingly blurred. It's really affecting our relationship.
In fairness to him, he also hates it and hopes to get back to office based working for at least part of the week.
Is there the option of him renting office space for part of the week?

Ninkanink · 08/07/2021 11:19

@whitemirrors I think perhaps another thread in relationships or parenting would help - and although people should be able to work it out for themselves, make sure to state that you’re venting and that you’re not asking for solutions. Otherwise people do tend to get ridiculously offended if you don’t straightaway accept all their suggestions and come back two hours later to report that everything is solved.

Also - and you know that I know where you’re coming from, I get it and I’m not dismissing the valid reasons for your frustration and/or sadness/anger/annoyance at how things turned out for you on maternity leave - I do think that you need to keep an eye on yourself and just be aware that some of what you’re feeling might, in fact, be due to PND. It could be that your mindset has become skewed and you wouldn’t realise that if you’re in the midst of it.

Most of all absolutely don’t hesitate to take some time for yourself at the weekend. A full day every weekend, or two half days - whatever suits you best. I know it’s not a perfect solution, but it’s something.