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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To be reconsidering my relationship because of lockdown

813 replies

whitemirrors · 07/07/2021 21:31

I won’t be leaving because we have young children.

But I am increasingly frustrated with DH wfh and I feel it’s forcing a lifestyle on me I just don’t want.

He’s at home all the time. It’s rare he leaves the house. When he does it’s only for short periods like to go to the supermarket to fill the car with petrol or to go to the dentist. Those sorts of things.

Then at weekends because he’s home all the time he wants to be out of the house. I’m exhausted with it.

Don’t know why I’m posting. Just feeling so stifled.

OP posts:
Original poster
whitemirrors · 08/07/2021 10:15

cream have you ever tried being out of the house walking for several hours at a time?

OP posts:
GoldenOmber · 08/07/2021 10:16

You’re also likely to get at least some pushback on “no he can’t work from a bedroom it is 100% impossible” after the past 16 months of WFH relationship issues on here.

A hell of a lot of men have declared they absolutely must work from a shared household space and have family tiptoe around them/can’t possibly share in the homeschooling/must definitely have the only quiet space to work from, while their female colleagues are mysteriously managing to do all those things.

burnoutbabe · 08/07/2021 10:16

Hiring a nearby small office for 1-2 day a week seems a good compromise. yes, it costs but if the alternative is divorce/misery then it should be considered. Me and other half did discuss when we were both WHF, but i am happy working on the bed (and have a bed desk to lift up laptop for when i do zoom calls).

People can't see my bedroom, just the wall behind the headboard.

blackcat86 · 08/07/2021 10:17

@whitemirrors

cream have you ever tried being out of the house walking for several hours at a time?
I can imagine how frustrating that is and perhaps this is an obvious question but why do you have to go? If he wants to get out and go walking then off he goes. I wouldn't want to walk outside for hours in all weather if I had a young baby (and so presumably disrupted sleep). Sod that. Let him go. You stay home. You need to stop his WFH, walking, needs etc happen to you and start enforcing what you want!
Original poster
whitemirrors · 08/07/2021 10:18

golden 17 pages later and I do think that’s been thoroughly discussed, hasn’t it?

OP posts:
ClawedButler · 08/07/2021 10:18

So...him wfh and then going out at weekends is forcing a lifestyle on you that you don't want.

What IS the lifestyle you want?

Original poster
whitemirrors · 08/07/2021 10:19

blackcat I don’t, I do try to get out as much as possible but I was answering the ‘just go for a walk’ posts.

Some days I do 25,000 steps. I get out plenty.

OP posts:
Beendownthisroadmorethantwice · 08/07/2021 10:19

Ok LTB. Then you’ll have all the alone time you want. Is that what you want from this thread?

Doghead · 08/07/2021 10:20

Wow OP. You're not coming across very nice at all. Why post on here if you're going to get shirty with people when they don't agree with you?

Bluedeblue · 08/07/2021 10:21

Is there any way you can move? It sounds as though your current home won't lend itself to home working. I know it seems drastic! We live in a 3 storey Townhouse. There are 3 of us here (Me, DH and adult DD) and when we're all at home we hardly see each other during the day. 3 floors you see. Disclaimer: we do actually like one another and spend evenings together Smile

bringincrazyback · 08/07/2021 10:21

@biwinoone

It might be because you have a baby but tbh I don't think it is a normal response. When you are married to someone you should be able to enjoy being with them. what exactly frustrates you? May be the problem is not him being there all the time. And tbf to him, it is his house too and he has as much right being there as you. And no he is not having it easy, he is working. Might seem relaxed but it is still work. When my husband was working from home, our only problem was space but otherwise I loved having him around, having someone to talk to during the day and just have a relaxed day overall. If we had the space to give him his own room then he wouldn't have gone back to the office.
I can't speak for the OP but some of us need space from others at times, even our partners, and even if we are happy with them. I don't necessarily think that speaks to any issues in a relationship/marriage.

I'm like this. I'm an introvert, happy with my DH and do enjoy his company, but I find it tough going having him around 24/7. I just can't spend my every waking moment with people, regardless of who they are, it's not in me. Fortunately DH is the same and gets it, and we've been able to make room for wfh so we're not in the same room all the time, and we spend some of our downtime apart pursuing separate interests, otherwise we'd probably be driving each other up the wall on a regular basis.

Original poster
whitemirrors · 08/07/2021 10:21

One where I can sing and laugh and listen to music at home. Have a bath or shower and potter about in my bra and pants for a bit. Have an uninteresting Amazon parcel delivered and only me know of its existence. Have friends round. Listen to the radio. Stay in my pyjamas until midday. Eat breakfast and still be hungry and have another breakfast.

OP posts:
CaribouCarafe · 08/07/2021 10:22

I say this kindly OP but I think you could benefit from some individual therapy and maybe some couples therapy too. I feel you wanted a cathartic release through this post, which you're not getting as you're not looking for pragmatic solutions.

It sounds like you need help to come to terms with the version of maternity leave you lost due to the pandemic and working from home. At the moment you're raging in the inside and trying to maintain a happy veneer to your DH which is ultimately a very unhealthy dynamic.

There are, however, pragmatic steps that can be taken which you are completely blinkered to - adding a door / partitioning a room / adding soundproofing etc to make the situation more bearable. But you have such a fixation on being home totally alone with your daughter that the idea of your DH being in the same general space (even if out of sight and sound) is frustrating to you. You posted on AIBU and I'm afraid that this is very unreasonable - it's only for 8 hours a day, you either get over it (with or without the help of therapy) or just accept that you're actively choosing to be miserable.

Original poster
whitemirrors · 08/07/2021 10:23

@Doghead

Wow OP. You're not coming across very nice at all. Why post on here if you're going to get shirty with people when they don't agree with you?
You on the other hand are LOVELY. Smile

I think if you re read the first post it’s fairly obvious I’ve never even considered leaving, and he certainly isn’t a B in any event. It’s the lifestyle, not him. I suppose it’s a bit like having to move abroad to a country you don’t particularly like in some ways.

OP posts:
Original poster
whitemirrors · 08/07/2021 10:23

I could not be less interested in therapy, thanks.

OP posts:
GoldenOmber · 08/07/2021 10:23

@whitemirrors

golden 17 pages later and I do think that’s been thoroughly discussed, hasn’t it?
Well if you count ‘discussed’ as umpteen pages of you saying ‘no it is 100% impossible and you are unreasonable for asking why’, then yes…

Again, I think the way you’re framing this is setting it up as more adversarial than it needs to be? You’re seeing this as “bunch of clueless muppets who keep demanding to know why a stranger’s husband can’t work in the bedroom.” But many of the people you’re speaking to will be people who have managed to figure out a way to work in bedrooms despite all sorts of logistical issues, and are genuinely trying to help you by checking if those solutions might be things he can use.

Hankunamatata · 08/07/2021 10:24

Talking to mortgage advisor he said so many people are looking to move as one or both spouses have become home workers. They need extra room or a garden to stop feeling like they are on top of each other

beastlyslumber · 08/07/2021 10:25

people have the nerve to get annoyed with ME about it - I’m really not in any way obliged to give the answer you all want, you know

People are annoyed because of your intransigence and rudeness towards those who have tried to help, plus your vagueness and contradictions. You asked if you were being unreasonable, and people kindly tried to understand your situation and suggest possible solutions, as while you are clearly being very unreasonable, most of us have compassion for someone who is obviously unhappy.

Turns out you just wanted to take your misery out on other people and have them collude with your defeatism. We are not obliged to give you the answers you want, either, OP. YABVU.

TheFoundations · 08/07/2021 10:27

@whitemirrors

I really think a lot of the ‘crankiness’ is just coming from endlessly repeating myself. With the best will in the world, when you have said ‘we don’t have a garden’ ten times it does get a bit wearing.
You poor thing. Seems like the thread is trapping you into an uncomfortable situation you feel you can't do anything about.

I spot a pattern.

Noterook · 08/07/2021 10:28

Hold and play with DD all morning, desperate for the toilet, put her down, she starts to cry, he comes out when I am in the bathroom so I return to her being held by him and it feels like I just regularly let my daughter cry while I do other stuff.

What a bastard Confused

It's tough shit to be honest OP, if you're that unhappy then yes you'll have to move elsewhere.

CaribouCarafe · 08/07/2021 10:28

This thread is utterly pointless.

"Yes you're being very reasonable."

The single response you're looking for. You're welcome.

BarbaraofSeville · 08/07/2021 10:28

@whitemirrors

One where I can sing and laugh and listen to music at home. Have a bath or shower and potter about in my bra and pants for a bit. Have an uninteresting Amazon parcel delivered and only me know of its existence. Have friends round. Listen to the radio. Stay in my pyjamas until midday. Eat breakfast and still be hungry and have another breakfast.
You can still do most of that and it's weird that you feel you can't eat or dress as you wish in front of your DH or have online shopping delivered.

Headphones or earbuds for you and/or him would solve a lot of the noise/music issues.

But its clear that you don't actually want to overcome any of these problems and just want to have a pointless moan about them.

Babyboomtastic · 08/07/2021 10:30

One where I can sing and laugh and listen to music at home. Have a bath or shower and potter about in my bra and pants for a bit. Have an uninteresting Amazon parcel delivered and only me know of its existence. Have friends round. Listen to the radio. Stay in my pyjamas until midday. Eat breakfast and still be hungry and have another breakfast.

I have a spouse working from home. He's working in the lounge right now. I'm in my PJs. I'm pottering in the kitchen singing along to the radio.

There is literally nothing in your 'i want to' list that you can't do with him WFH except for getting a secret parcel (get it delivered to an Amazon locker and take a stroll).

It's a home first and an office second. Have friends over (I do), have playdates, play music games, bang spoons. If it's too noisy, then he has to find a workaround for it, not you.

Honestly, this is all about you, not him sitting quietly on his computer. It doesn't even sound as if you are talking properly to him. It's a very odd set up. Why aren't you talking to him about this not us?

Beendownthisroadmorethantwice · 08/07/2021 10:31

@whitemirrors

One where I can sing and laugh and listen to music at home. Have a bath or shower and potter about in my bra and pants for a bit. Have an uninteresting Amazon parcel delivered and only me know of its existence. Have friends round. Listen to the radio. Stay in my pyjamas until midday. Eat breakfast and still be hungry and have another breakfast.
Much of the above would be solved by your DH being in a separate room. And the last two should not be impacted by your DH working from home at all,

So you have a DH problem.

axillarytailofspence · 08/07/2021 10:32

I feel very sorry for your children having to live with these tensions around.