To be reconsidering my relationship because of lockdown

[whitemirrors]

I won’t be leaving because we have young children.

But I am increasingly frustrated with DH wfh and I feel it’s forcing a lifestyle on me I just don’t want.

He’s at home all the time. It’s rare he leaves the house. When he does it’s only for short periods like to go to the supermarket to fill the car with petrol or to go to the dentist. Those sorts of things.

Then at weekends because he’s home all the time he wants to be out of the house. I’m exhausted with it.

Don’t know why I’m posting. Just feeling so stifled.

I feel a bit like in writing a story in primary school with some of these posts. What, Where, Why, When, Who

baby babies are different. Mine isn’t at the walking stage yet. Of course when she is I have no doubt I’ll be followed to the toilet and never have a minutes peace. That makes the months where we can curl up and nap together all the more precious.

gemma it is a bit like that.

Weekends aren’t too much of an issue. It’s during the week tbh.

I love these threads. How dare he spend time in his own home during the week. He's so in the way. Did he not realise he's just supposed to provide for his family and stay out of the way?

All these women who cant cope with the lack of privacy. When did your husbands ever get privacy at home? After work? At weekends?

And now he wants to go out, the bastard!

Do it OP Set the poor fucker free to find someone who wants to be with him.

Possibly cait but I don’t think it’s that. I found motherhood hard initially and the lack of spontaneity did get to me but that was a newborn thing and now I absolutely adore having her and love feeling like I have a little sidekick who goes everywhere I do. Although I could have done with less than nine get ups last night for said sidekick!

Are you an introvert op? I am. I find extroverted people just cannot understand. I have a lovely friend who literally doesn't get why you'd ever want to be alone...If her dh goes away for work, she will sleep at her parents house

Mine gets privacy all the time barbarian

Since dd was born he’s had

One full week when we were in hospital.

Every single day, hours at a time.

Several Saturdays or Sundays as I can’t see friends during the week so this has had to be it.

I don’t think he’s the one worst off in this arrangement. That’s not to say I am badly off but he certainly has ample time to chill at home on account of the fact he rarely leaves it.

@BarbarianMum

I love these threads. How dare he spend time in his own home during the week. He's so in the way. Did he not realise he's just supposed to provide for his family and stay out of the way?

All these women who cant cope with the lack of privacy. When did your husbands ever get privacy at home? After work? At weekends?

And now he wants to go out, the bastard!

Do it OP Set the poor fucker free to find someone who wants to be with him.

WTF? The OP also works, as she has mentioned numerous times. She’s on maternity leave. So she is also providing for her family. Everyone being constantly in the house together is not a ‘normal’ state, and for many people it’s hard. Especially when they don’t live in a 5 bed detached house in the country with a 2 acre garden.

Could he work from a shared workspace locally a couple of days a week going forwards? I get the restrictions it can place on home life, even cleaning around it is a pita let alone with small children, but he could make alternative arrangements.

I totally get it OP, my DH has been working from home since the first lockdown. He is working in our bedroom but it’s still the fact that he is always in the house. I work part time and I loved my day off, even it was just tidying up, doing jobs etc just the fact I was here by myself. We also have 2 teenagers, my DS is GCSE year and he is now off until September and doesn’t leave the house either! I have only physically been in the house on my own twice in over a year and that was only for an hour. I’m grateful that where I work I’m in an office by myself but I really want to be in the house by myself sometimes. It is hard and although it’s no ones fault I get it.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable to feel as you do. It’s one of the many many shit things about enforced WFH, and so many of us have felt the absolute maddening smothering relentlessness that comes from never having your own space ever ever ever.

(And I find it so bizarre that so many people are convinced lockdowns and WFH have been great for introverts. HA HA HA. Anyway.)

But, I do think you might find this conversation a bit less frustrating if you perhaps didn’t view other people as a huge mass of clueless idiots who can’t possibly understand how shit this is? And considered that perhaps lots of people do understand how shit it is, because it was shit for them, and they’re trying to share suggestions that helped them make it even fractionally less shit?

There are lots of WFH-friendly jobs which can’t be done from a cafe. But there are fewer that can’t be done from a room with a door. There are approximately none that can’t be done by turning your camera so it’s facing a wall rather than the rest of your house or blurring your background on video calls, to give the other people in your space a bit of privacy. And there is no job on earth that makes ‘being nosey about your partners parcels and laundry and farts’ an essential role criteria.

You’ll maybe think that it doesn’t matter anyway, because these are only little fixes that wouldn’t help the big issue. But given that you can’t fix the big issue, little fixes that make it even 5% less bearable are what’s getting other people through.

Can you go out and do things together? What does he say if you suggest anything?

I totally get it @whitemirrors. I’m sorry that there aren’t any solutions to be had and I really sympathise with your sadness and frustration - I can see that you’ve been slowly going mad with it and you’ve hit your limit now.

I do understand why you feel you can’t tell him.

I don’t think I do golden but it might be interesting to look through the thread and see just how many times people have asked - demanded in fact - to know why DH can’t work in the bedroom, despite my saying clearly he can’t and also that it wouldn’t help in any way anyway.

With the best will in the world I think most of us would get a bit weary of being asked the same question several times over.

Thanks nink I think ‘slowly mad’ is a good descriptor!

Sorry if repeated but is there a reason he cant work in a bedroom or another room? Is the problem being at home with him 24 7?

@Creamsoda77

Sorry if repeated but is there a reason he cant work in a bedroom or another room? Is the problem being at home with him 24 7?

🤦🏻‍♀️

Could he work from a shared workspace locally a couple of days a week going forwards?

No no no no no no! There are NO solutions! This wouldn't be possible! There is no possibility other than the OP being utterly miserable, hating the thought of touching her husband, and resenting his every word or glance for the rest of her life.This is literally the only possibility because there are zero other solutions, and if you can't get your head around why someone would choose this miserable existence for herself then you are the one with the problem. Hope that's all clear now.

It’s wearing to read your responses. While there may be a reason your DH cannot work in the bedroom, unless your home is fully open plan there is not reason why him working with a room with a door won’t fix at least three of the things you complain of.

I get that maybe you want to just vent - but you are being rude to people who are trying to help - and I guarantee that many of them have bigger issues to cope with.

I cant be bothered to help you as reading this your attitude sucks top to people trying to help.

I'm sitting in an empty house on the sofa and revelling in the peace. I could be pottering but just sitting with a bucket of coffee savouring the complete silence is therapy of its self.

Most people need alone time/silence/no interruptions to just take a deep breath.

@beastlyslumber

Could he work from a shared workspace locally a couple of days a week going forwards?

No no no no no no! There are NO solutions! This wouldn't be possible! There is no possibility other than the OP being utterly miserable, hating the thought of touching her husband, and resenting his every word or glance for the rest of her life.This is literally the only possibility because there are zero other solutions, and if you can't get your head around why someone would choose this miserable existence for herself then you are the one with the problem. Hope that's all clear now.

This. The thread doesn't seem to be helping.

@Creamsoda77

Sorry if repeated but is there a reason he cant work in a bedroom or another room? Is the problem being at home with him 24 7?

Yes. This is the problem. OP feels she has no mental/physical down time where she can just ‘be’, no space for relaxing/playing/having fun in her own home with her child, no life.

(Sorry for speaking on your behalf OP - I’m just staggered that so many people don’t get it.)

Can’t be bothered cream? You couldn’t even be bothered to read the first page

I don’t think I’ve said since last nights vent I am utterly miserable, the opposite actually.

I do think it is rather arrogant to assume you know better than I do about the nuances of this though.

But when does he get all these hours of privacy and time to chill during the week? It can't be during the day, as he's working (which is hardly chilling time), and anyway, you complain that he's encroaching in your privacy then, so he can't be getting any privacy himself. If he has privacy during the evenings/after work, then presumably it also means you're not with him, which also gives you some privacy. Or if you're counting him just being in the house while you're also there as "privacy" then YABVVU. If you can't bear for him to be in the house in the evenings, even in another room, then you'll have to take turns at going out (so that you both get a turn at having custody of the empty house).

Also - and I realise all this amateur detective work is irritating you, OP - he's not in the living room but in the room next to it (according to an earlier post), so it should be possible to create some sort of separation between you, even if you feel inhibited by his presence in another room. (It sounds as if he's working in a dining half of a kitchen diner, so I do see that it's difficult for you to use the kitchen. It also sounds as if there's no door between the room where he's working and the living room?) But there ARE solutions (temporary, moveable screen like these ones between the room where he's working and the living room, virtual background for calls, make him wear headphones, have agreed times of day when you're able to access the kitchen, put the baby in with you and clear the small bedroom to make an office, move to a more suitable house, get divorced, he looks for another job...). Your refusal to consider them at all or explain why they're not viable is very frustrating, and your aggression and negativity do seem like signs of a wider distress. Please do consider what some previous posters have said about PND

Ok, so was it like this before the lockdown / pandemic? OP has not stated the reason why her dh cannot work in another room, its very easy to do so with a laptop , not giving a reason doesn't help anyone help her. Lots of us have partners working at home and kids around, me included , you just carve space out for yourself, go for a walk, I work in a different room so does dh so we arent all sat in the lounge together 24 7.

ellie in fact it is. As I have said, I do know the dynamics and the situation a lot better than most here. In any event, he has had some ‘weekend time’ when I’ve been out.

It isn’t about not bearing him being at home in the evenings I’d expect him to be home then. The problem is simply that when someone is pretty much a permanent fixture then the other person is working around that.

The thread possibly is not helping as ‘why can’t he work in the bedroom’ is fast turning into ‘have you cancelled the cheque, OP’ and then people have the nerve to get annoyed with ME about it - I’m really not in any way obliged to give the answer you all want, you know.