To be reconsidering my relationship because of lockdown

[whitemirrors]

I won’t be leaving because we have young children.

But I am increasingly frustrated with DH wfh and I feel it’s forcing a lifestyle on me I just don’t want.

He’s at home all the time. It’s rare he leaves the house. When he does it’s only for short periods like to go to the supermarket to fill the car with petrol or to go to the dentist. Those sorts of things.

Then at weekends because he’s home all the time he wants to be out of the house. I’m exhausted with it.

Don’t know why I’m posting. Just feeling so stifled.

I too find it extraordinary OP that so many are SO obtuse.

It sounds like absolute hell to me.

I forgot how often friends called to me and we just hung out.

The having to either be out or stay in your bedroom is beyond dreadful and I could well imagine mental health being compromised.

I think having a camera on in the living room all the time would be massively intrusive and again would keep me out of the space.

Your husband sounds really fxxking dim if he can't understand this.

So yes OP I can well imagine this has you taken the shine off your relationship.

1 the constant intrusion.
2 the lack of space
3 the lack of privacy in your home
4 your mat leave ruined
5 being married to someone who is dim

OP. Same situation here, DH working from home whilst I'm in mat leave. I love him dearly but I can't do anything without him knowing. It's not a problem (except ordering his birthday present/ anniversary/Father's Day) but it's just feels like you can't make your own choices without there's being constant questions.
I'm probably less introverted than you by the sounds of it. I know you're not after solutions but now DH has a headset I only hear his side of conversations and as the microphone is so close to him, me and baby can't be heard by the other end.
I make loads of noise and have sort of got used to the fact he can hear me all day singing or baby crying etc.
I've found it quite helpful that he's on hand to help at times when I'm very tired or want to get something done. There are positives, at least for me though I appreciate you don't see it like that.
Have you considered that this intensity and lack if privacy could contribute to or be a symptom of post natal depression? Or frankly if your hormones are out of wack you're finding it harder to deal with something you would otherwise manage?
It does sound like you need some time at home on your own so you need to insist on it, either with or without baby whichever suit you.

Regardless of the details, as someone also on maternity leave with a baby it is rubbish you're not enjoying yours.

My partner WFH and I am very lucky he can work in a separate room so it doesn't impact on my days with baby at all. I'm sorry you're having such a shit time.

I'm not in your situation OP as we are all working from home here but I totally get it. I need my time alone in my own home, it doesn't have to be a huge amount but I do need some time and the pandemic has put paid to that, hopefully temporarily.

None of us signed up to having our homes used as workplaces. Pre pandemic most of us had a nice mix of being in and out of the house, and the right amount of togetherness that suited everyone. This pandemic has put paid to any nice "what did you get up to today" conversations - well you bloody know what I did all day as you were a few metres away the whole time. I know people are saying that you can still live your life as you want to, and do whatever you like in your own house which is true, but it's really not normal to have someone present in the background 24/7.

As I said, my situation is different to yours but I could see myself feeling exactly the same way if I was on maternity leave.

annabel yes, feel watched all the time.

What am I watching, who is in it, sometimes a laugh if it’s something a bit shit, never ever a nasty or malicious or mean laugh but still, completely unintentionally takes away some of the pleasure in it.

What’s in the parcel, there are a lot of parcels, what is it now.

Hold and play with DD all morning, desperate for the toilet, put her down, she starts to cry, he comes out when I am in the bathroom so I return to her being held by him and it feels like I just regularly let my daughter cry while I do other stuff.

I also do worry she doesn’t get as much interaction or conversation as when he’s out, which is practically never.

Words like stifled and suffocated really resonate.

The problem is we do actually get on extremely well most of the time. Despite people on this thread deciding otherwise I’m actually generally a very pleasant and amenable person. This is the result of a gradual build up of a constant audience over the last sixteen months.

I have also benefited from it too actually as in he'll make us both lunch, take baby off me during his coffee breaks etc and pop in to which room I'm in periodically to check if we need anything or to chat. Do you get these perks at all?'

Could you try being a bit, well, ruder to your DH? Rather than divorcing him or slowly going insane which seem to be the other options.

eg if my DH asked me what was in an Amazon parcel I'd say, gosh, it must be that big box of none-of-your-business I ordered. If he was asking about filled nappies, I'd say, nope, that'll be the massive fart I just did

You seem to be bending over backwards to accommodate him. Let the real you out!

So what is the time frame for being able to move OP?

When you could start to look for a house with a garden?

Some of these posts have really got it and thank you.

54 after the first few weeks I’ve loved maternity leave. But this is the problem. This is probably the only time in my life I’ll have this: I do want a second but obviously it won’t be quite the same as will have a toddler charging about too and I really would have valued a bit more time chilling at home and I certainly wanted to see more of my friends, especially when lockdown finished.

I don't understand why a cafe once or twice a week wouldn't work?

Possibly heathen but tbh it isn’t in my nature and he isn’t asking to be mean or anything so feels a bit mean to come back like that.

In any event it’s weird as I don’t mind him knowing and I’d probably say oh, there are the clothes I ordered for DD, that’s the new charger for the laptop or whatever it is.

I have also noticed it’s sometimes quite hard to find things to talk about because he’s just permanently there.

That’s fine november, if you don’t understand. We all have some things we just can’t process, I suppose.

@whitemirrors

Perhaps you’d like to re read what was in the ellipsis highfive

I’m not sure why some posters just want to have a go, tbh. Sure sometimes I read a thread and I don’t ‘like’ the OP, but then just leave it, fgs!

Really because it seams like you like picking for an argument to me.

I suggest so speak to someone irl about how you feel.

Btw I totally understand the situation.

@NovemberRain2

I don't understand why a cafe once or twice a week wouldn't work?

Why would you not be able to understand that? DH works from home. He works in finance and a lot of his work is highly confidential. If there was any chance anything he was working on could be seen by the public he’d he in a lot of bother. He also spends about 70% of his day on confidential phone calls or zoom meetings. What part of that scenario lends itself to working from Costa?

I hear you. I hope he can get back to the office soon.

Is he capable of getting the children out on his own at the weekend and leaving you behind? Tell him you are done with his weekend outings and he needs to go alone.

Interestingly high I get the same impression from your posts.

I don’t really want to be apart from the children all weekend silver I guess I don’t really mind going places but I suppose what makes me sad is home, that was once synonymous with comfort and chilling and calmness, now doesn’t have that ambience or vibe any more.

I'm confused as to why you are being so vague about things. You've talked numerous times about wanting to spend time with 'the babies' but now talk about possibly having a second in the future.

Tbh, the idea is a holder as a place of relaxation, lie ins and solitude where your can watch your programs during the day, is about to be undone anyway, and not by your husband...

I have a 2&4 year old. I haven't watched a TV programme of my choosing during the day (that's not also a kids thing) for over a year.

The idea of being able to pop into the bedroom for a nap is about as realistic as going to the moon. I mean, it can be done easier with over e child, but it's usually also your some opportunity to catch up on chores and cook. And they followed you to the loo.

So even if you left your husband (as part t the title) them give it 6-9m you won't be having peace anyway, so perhaps it's better to work together to find you some alone time now.

Ps: my husband had been WFH since last February also. One is the best things is of my toddler has a rush night and I'm up with her, her takes her in the morning so I can lie in (or vice versa) and we swap just as he's booting up the laptop.

@whitemirrors

Maybe there aren’t any suggestions tina.

Like I say if we didn’t have children I don’t think I’d be here tbh. I do love and care for him but I cannot do this. I cannot have this lack of personal space. It’s really affecting everything.

I’m not looking for suggestions because there aren’t any.

i really feel for you op, it is suffocating. it's not healthy to be together all the time. i sometimes go a drive once the kids are in bed, just for some solitude as both of us are working from home.

@whitemirrors

Interestingly high I get the same impression from your posts.

Touché

@whitemirrors

I don’t really want to be apart from the children all weekend silver I guess I don’t really mind going places but I suppose what makes me sad is home, that was once synonymous with comfort and chilling and calmness, now doesn’t have that ambience or vibe any more.

Why does it have to be all weekend though? Why can't he take the kids out for 3 hours or pop out for a beer for an hour alone, why do you get no say in weekends? Ok weekdays are crap but he can't work elsewhere and there's only so much you want to be out. But you need to take control of your weekends at least. I don't want to be apart from my kids all weekend but I love an hour or so in the coffee shop alone one in a while or meeting a friend for lunch without the kids. You say you wabt space so tell him how you achieve that

My friend made me laugh recently as she said that having her DH in the upstairs study constantly was like having a stalker in a white van with binoculars parked outside her house.

Yanbu. You can’t help how you feel.
Don’t be hasty though. The situation has been forced upon you both.

I think all the people raving about working from home (not on this thread but in general) don’t understand what it’s like when you don’t have a house/flat that is set up for working from home (and why would it be, when it’s something you never anticipated happening?). The workspace encroaches on everything, and it’s miserable. Your home doesn’t feel like your home anymore. So while there are solutions for getting a bit more time to yourself as above, it doesn’t change the fact that the entire dynamic of your home has changed in a way that you never wanted and never asked for.
It’s a bit galling when people with dedicated office spaces etc call for WFH to remain as they’re loving the lack of commute etc, when you’re one of the people whose home life has been turned upside down by it.

I think the world does seem to get smaller once you’ve had children - even more so when your partner is “there” all day when previously they went to work. I found that the loss of the spontaneity to do or not do anything hit me hard. I’d also had to move back in with my retired parents so the feeling of never being alone got to me. It got better once the kids started school and I moved out… It’s not as simple as just physically going out - it’s the feeling that you have to always make choices with kids/partner/parents/etc in mind. I love my family to bits, but I have days where I feel that they all have me under surveillance 🤣