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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To be reconsidering my relationship because of lockdown

813 replies

whitemirrors · 07/07/2021 21:31

I won’t be leaving because we have young children.

But I am increasingly frustrated with DH wfh and I feel it’s forcing a lifestyle on me I just don’t want.

He’s at home all the time. It’s rare he leaves the house. When he does it’s only for short periods like to go to the supermarket to fill the car with petrol or to go to the dentist. Those sorts of things.

Then at weekends because he’s home all the time he wants to be out of the house. I’m exhausted with it.

Don’t know why I’m posting. Just feeling so stifled.

OP posts:
BlueJag · 08/07/2021 08:46

Your frustration it's coming out loud and clear here. You are sounding rude and snappy even if you don't mean to. If I were you I'll talk to a friend and vent to your heart content.
We are strangers here and it's difficult to support you when your replies are coming across like people are annoying you.
Sounds like it's tough luck and you are stuck at home and in your situation. Nobody can help.

Snafflepig · 08/07/2021 08:47

Also guessing this probably isn't an option for you, but now his parents are fully vaccinated, I make. My husband take the kids over to there's a couple of times a month so I can enjoy some alone time!

MaMaD1990 · 08/07/2021 08:48

It seems you're wallowing in your own misery to be honest. You've not confirmed if you've spoken to your DH about all of this (I would assume no as you've ignored those questions). If you're wanting to just rant, then that's fine but if you've not spoken to your DH about your issues you are being entirely unreasonable and I feel quite bad for your DH merrily plodding along with no idea that you're hating your life.

NewlyGranny · 08/07/2021 08:49

You just need some breathing space and a bit of privacy, don't you? It shouldn't be too much to ask. Any chance of moving somewhere with a bit of garden? Enough for a mum-cave (aka a prettily painted shed/summerhouse) you can escape to?

Wheresmybiscuit3 · 08/07/2021 08:50

I understand. It’s okay to want your own space. I’m sorry that there isn’t a solution for you. It sounds like it sucks! I would feel the same

beastlyslumber · 08/07/2021 08:50

Spending money when my income has temporarily vanished just to get a couple of days peace is unlikely to be thought of as sensible.

By your DH? Maybe if he knew how unhappy you are, he would look more favourably on the idea. The situation obviously can't go on like this, it sounds awful. I know it seems like there's no solution, but there has to be, or you'll just get more and more miserable until it's not worth it anymore.

Original poster
whitemirrors · 08/07/2021 08:50

Thanks snaffle

It may come as a shock but I don’t actually stomp about being frustrated. In fact, I never do.

Yes, I was frustrated last night. I had been disturbed numerous times by DD (not her fault) and it did feel a little as if I was looking into a future where I was either at work, or at home with DHs constant presence, and the old lovely bits of my old life gone forever (yes dramatic but true.)

But it is what it is. At least I’ve given sbhy a good laugh, she clearly needed something to vent her ire at and a strangers husband not working in a bedroom is today’s target.

OP posts:
Original poster
whitemirrors · 08/07/2021 08:52

I’m certainly not meaning to blue but I do think I’ve made it plain that at the moment, he works where he works and that’s that.

People still coming at me with ‘can’t he work in the garden / bedroom / cafe / cousins’ does get a bit exhausting when you’ve said over ten times that no, this isn’t an option.

OP posts:
Royalbloo · 08/07/2021 08:53

Erm...I'd get him to take some holiday and go out. If you need some time alone with your child then surely tell him that? Or he could bugger off somewhere else for the weekend?

Maybe you need a hug and some sleep? Hope you cheer up soon x x x

Royalbloo · 08/07/2021 08:54

BTW you're not being unreasonable but posters are attempting to help when there isn't a solution. X

SleepingStandingUp · 08/07/2021 08:55

Thing op if you truly feel that your life will just be awful forever it's either martyrdom or depression. If it isn't like you to feel so desolate, I'd encourage you to speak to your go. You say you don't want him to go out but you don't want him there, you don't want to not be with your children but you want some you time. So there are options but you need to decide what you want. It's ok to want 30 minutes or 3 hours peace. To send him out alone or with the kids. To go out alone or with the kids. To say no to his weekend plans. But you have to have a proper conversation where you find solutions not just go "no it's hopeless, I'll just be sad forever".

EwwSprouts · 08/07/2021 08:55

I get it OP.

I would prioritise getting a garden when you move next year even if it means a less desirable area. It will help a little bit.

Highfive2021 · 08/07/2021 08:57

‘Moving isn’t a solution …. We will move in the next year’

I hope that helps.

Original poster
whitemirrors · 08/07/2021 08:59

sleeping if that was a permanent feeling I would agree.

If it’s a brief feeling on a night when you’ve been up seven times and it isn’t midnight and thinking about tomorrow how lovely it would be to lie in and chill after a bad night but you can’t and then briefly feel frustrated and miserable, I don’t think that’s either depression or martyrdom (unless everyone walks round blissfully happy all the time.)

It’s a feeling. A fleeting one.

For the most part I am happier and things are certainly more stable than they have been for most of my life. One huge adjustment is that I now get no time at home to relax. That has been the one thing about my ‘new’ life I struggle with. That’s it really.

OP posts:
Original poster
whitemirrors · 08/07/2021 08:59

Perhaps you’d like to re read what was in the ellipsis highfive

I’m not sure why some posters just want to have a go, tbh. Sure sometimes I read a thread and I don’t ‘like’ the OP, but then just leave it, fgs!

OP posts:
BoattoBolivia · 08/07/2021 09:00

I get it. My sister's partner WFH all through both children's preschool years, before covid. She couldn't invite friends round, or make lots of noise. It was difficult. You have my sympathy.

Original poster
whitemirrors · 08/07/2021 09:01

I think one of the things I was looking forward to most about ML was being able to have friends round in the day.

OP posts:
Ontheroadtorecovery · 08/07/2021 09:03

It's not as simple to just go work in the bedroom. I did this during the first lock down as I live in a small house and the kids and my partner were also home and I couldn't be in the lounge. The reality of that was I was sitting in my bed with laptop in front of me as no where else to sit. Even being theounge is rubbish as it's sitting on sofa with a fold up table not sustainable after 15 months so I now get time in the office for 3/4 of my week. I feel for you OP it's crap there is no 2 ways about it

HaroldTheHare · 08/07/2021 09:03

OP it's hard to know what you want from this thread really. You sound very cranky & irritated.. is there any chance you might have post natal depression?
I feel a bit sorry for your dh here to be honest. He's working not sitting around under your feet playing video games
You've given so few details about why obvious things such as him setting himself up in the bedroom won't work that it's difficult to empathise.
Do you live in a totally open plan space where there is no bedroom door ?
Is the bedroom so small it can literally only fit a bed?
If these (or similar) are the case then your actual accommodation is entirely unsuitable for wfh & you need to have a conversation about it. He will need to find an alternative space to work..
Can you have a mum friend & kids around during the day for company for instance? How does that work if he's parked up at the table working?
Surely he can see that if he's working in yoir main living space that it's a less than ideal situation for you all?
In my small city there are a couple of shared office spaces where you can rent a desk v reasonably so maybe he could see if there's anything like that?

Naaaaah · 08/07/2021 09:04

If there's spare cash for a 2nd home, then there's spare cash for you to rent a local air bnb once a week. You can fart away a weeks worth of wind to your hearts content there.

TatianaBis · 08/07/2021 09:05

Would it help if you could focus on where you might move to next, so that this phase is time limited?

Is moving to a house with a garden + garden office a possibility?

Has your DP researched the cost of renting office space?

You say being in a house with him working in a bedroom wouldn’t solve the issue, but actually if he’s working in the attic for example, it would make a significant difference even if you feel it wouldn’t.

Keepitonthedownlow · 08/07/2021 09:06

I think you should try and count your blessings. Nobody's life is perfect, especially just now.

You've wallowed but after that you need to change something or accept and move on. It could be much worse, and I'm wondering if you've maybe had quite an easy life until now, if this has thrown you so much.

AnnabelC · 08/07/2021 09:07

I know exactly how you feel. My husband started working from home decades ago, so I then starting working full time. It was so difficult because I worked part time so I felt the space was more mine. I feel watched the whole time. I have now given up work, no one will have me, too old. I just have to get out. I do voluntary work. Walk the dog. Meet friends. I now see him so much a holiday with him feels me with dread. He a good man but it’s hard. I feel judged. Just comments all the time like. You woke up late. Going shopping that took longer than usual. Etc. Etc. I feel stifled. He wants to know every detail. He works and the world comes to him so he doesn’t have the need to go out. The only thing keeps me going, is it could be worse. Does this resonate with you OP?

Original poster
whitemirrors · 08/07/2021 09:07

I really think a lot of the ‘crankiness’ is just coming from endlessly repeating myself. With the best will in the world, when you have said ‘we don’t have a garden’ ten times it does get a bit wearing.

OP posts:
Newmumatlast · 08/07/2021 09:07

@whitemirrors

Jesus would have fucking wept if his spouse had WFH, I think.

There are no solutions that are remotely practical. Has it not occurred to any of you that perhaps I know my husbands work a bit better than you do, and that it does not lend itself to renting a desk, working in a cafe or even a bedroom.

I am sorry it that sounds arsey but it is extremely frustrating being told over and over that you are wrong when you are not.

DH work has always involved some WFH. That is fine. However it is the relentlessness of it that it making me so very unhappy.

I am not wanting him to leave the house at weekends or evenings particularly. Just a life where I can relax and enjoy my babies in my home. And it won’t happen and that does make me really sad.

So one example for those who may be wondering why he can't just use a bedroom or use a cafe etc would be a role where things have to be confidential I.e. a lawyer attending court virtually. You couldn't do that in a cafe. You couldn't do it in a bedroom - I mean, you could do some work but you can't really set up papers and all that. Renting a space may not work financially or they may not be anything locally suitable.

There are lots of reasons why a person may need to use a larger room in their home which is a more communal space.

And its not unreasonable to be upset with that. My husband works in a box room we have as an office. But that means I can't now work there (when I used to). I am having to do everything at home when I didnt before and the things I needed more space for used to be done at work. So now I'm having to take over our kitchen as we don't have a big house. And we have open plan downstairs so the kitchen is actually also the living space.

If husband was off on paternity leave, though the office would be free and I could use it sometimes I would still need the bigger space sometimes and he would either be confined to a bedroom or have to go out.

I would say that husband should go out for his lunch break (he could go for a walk) or in the evening for a hobby or at weekend but I get that isn't the normal routine and doesn't give you what you ordinarily wouldve had so of course that's frustrating