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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To be reconsidering my relationship because of lockdown

813 replies

whitemirrors · 07/07/2021 21:31

I won’t be leaving because we have young children.

But I am increasingly frustrated with DH wfh and I feel it’s forcing a lifestyle on me I just don’t want.

He’s at home all the time. It’s rare he leaves the house. When he does it’s only for short periods like to go to the supermarket to fill the car with petrol or to go to the dentist. Those sorts of things.

Then at weekends because he’s home all the time he wants to be out of the house. I’m exhausted with it.

Don’t know why I’m posting. Just feeling so stifled.

OP posts:
EnjoyingTheSilence · 08/07/2021 08:17

@whitemirrors I can’t wait til dh and I can go back to the office, even if only for 2 or 3 days a week.

I get you, it’s this relentless 24/7. I love dh to bits but I didn’t sign up for this, neither did he. No one did. We’re able to laugh and joke about it because we’re on the same page, it would be a nightmare if one of us got offended or upset that the other one wanted time away.

We’re also lucky we don’t have young children to throw in the mix.

No solutions, just wanted to let you know, you’re not alone

pinkteapots · 08/07/2021 08:21

"I’m not looking for suggestions because there aren’t any."

Seriously.... Hmm

I'm wondering how he feels, how is his mental health, stuck at home with a wife who can't stand to be near him.

AmIPeriOrAreYouJustAnnoying · 08/07/2021 08:22

@whitemirrors

I think I’ve been perfectly clear.

I have a job outside of the home.

I am currently on leave from it because I have a young baby.

I am not really wanting to go back to that job earlier because I don’t think that work is a ‘break.’

Anyway I don’t really think my life decisions are the point here.

Why are you posting if you don't want people to make suggestions? How can we help? What responses do you think you'd like?
Original poster
whitemirrors · 08/07/2021 08:24

Tbh I’ve skimmed over the ‘why can’t yous’.

It isn’t just that he’s in a communal area. I’d feel the same if he was in a bedroom.

Pre lockdown, life was varied and that variety was good and suited us both. Sometimes WFH, sometimes away. It meant we both had a nice rhythm with time in the house and time outside of it.

This really isn’t about being a ‘martyr’. The other day DD had a great game banging spoons on the kitchen floor. The kitchen leads directly into where DH works - no door - we just can’t do that.

I don’t think not being able to fart in front of him is indicative of major relationship problems. It’s just simple manners.

Interesting how some people get it and some don’t … DH would definitely fall into the latter category.

OP posts:
RestingPandaFace · 08/07/2021 08:27

If you’d feel the same if he was in another room with the door shut maybe it’s not really about WFH and you’re just sick of each other.

At least if he is shut away somewhere you can bang spoons, get toys out, fart and walk around half naked if you wish.

He can use a blur or a virtual background and no-one even has to know where he is.

museumum · 08/07/2021 08:27

I agree OP that having someone working in your living space while you are on maternity leave must be HELLISH. So hellish that you need to do something about it.

There is no job that has to be done from your specific living room. You need a bigger house, a garden office or dh needs to hire an office nearby. It’s drastic yes but the alternative seems to be the complete breakdown of your marriage. If it was me I’d do anything to avoid that.

TheFoundations · 08/07/2021 08:27

Interesting how some people get it and some don’t … DH would definitely fall into the latter category

Perhaps that's the issue. You express strong feelings and he doesn't understand or accommodate. That's about more than not getting time alone in the house.

timeisnotaline · 08/07/2021 08:27

You haven’t answered the bit about moving house, is that impossible? If this is your new long term pattern worth thinking about. But you must talk to your dh.

HelenHywater · 08/07/2021 08:30

But there is a solution OP, or at least a partial one.. It's to actually talk to him (because it doesn't seem that you have done that), make him see how you feel and find somewhere else for him to work at least one day a week. I assume his company does have a hub or other space where he could go to

If once you've talked to him he doesn't get it, or refuses to agree, then I think you do have a problem. You aren't unreasonable to need space.

sbhydrogen · 08/07/2021 08:33

This really isn’t about being a ‘martyr’. The other day DD had a great game banging spoons on the kitchen floor. The kitchen leads directly into where DH works - no door - we just can’t do that.

So just shove him in a bedroom, talk to him or stop complaining. Of COURSE having him in a different room during the day would improve things. Fucking hell.

Original poster
whitemirrors · 08/07/2021 08:35

Moving house isn’t a solution, no.

We will move in the next year or so but firstly, he will still be there, constantly. This has its advantages and if it was three days a week would be lovely, before anyone starts and decides I’m just irredeemably horrid. It is constant.

But I won’t be, it’s back to work, and any holiday I do have is just taken up with him There.

I know some of you are very fixed in the view all is solved by placing him in a bedroom and closing the door and I am afraid it is not.

OP posts:
IrisAtwood · 08/07/2021 08:37

I have to say that I look forward to my partner going to work - he’s back to 2-3 days a week and an really not looking forward to his retirement next year. The house feels different when I’m alone (with the cat).

I do feel differently when I am alone and this is because no matter how relaxed you are around someone they are still a kind of audience when present. People saying ‘Just do it.’ to the OP when she says that she feels inhibited don’t seem to understand this.

sbhydrogen · 08/07/2021 08:37

You seem even more fixed that it won't help things.

Original poster
whitemirrors · 08/07/2021 08:38

helen the problem with that are that once you have voiced this - once you have said ‘your constant presence is making me miserable’ it is difficult to come back from that to how things were.

He is for all I am irritated by him just now a thoroughly decent man. I do not wish to hurt him and I certainly don’t want to sabotage the relationship and voicing this would.

As I keep saying, to the ire of people like the poster above, sometimes there are no solutions. And (not aimed at you Helen) if that makes you angry I think you are the one with problems, not me.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 08/07/2021 08:38

What about the idea of renting an office space or even renting a bedsit or someone's spare room to work in? Or have you got a garden you could put a shed in? Do you have family nearby who would let him work in a spare room? A few posters have suggested things like this but you haven't responded OP? Why wouldn't something like that be a solution? I appreciate it might be an added expense, but sounds like any amount would be worth it to get him out of the house a few days a week.

Original poster
whitemirrors · 08/07/2021 08:39

Well no sb because as I’ve said more than once I do actually know the situation and the dynamics at play here, but you apparently think you know even better than me how DHs job works and how the layout of our home lends itself to that job. Remarkable really.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 08/07/2021 08:40

Do you feel that he hears, respects, and accommodates your needs and preferences generally, OP? 'I'm reconsidering my relationship' is a strong phrase with which to open your thread, and yet you seem to feel that the best option, regardless of sensible practical suggestions, is to continue to suffer. That's what people do when they're used to bending to someone else's will.

Ivyiris · 08/07/2021 08:41

I can understand op as my dh unfortunately got made redundant. Our relationship was difficult but we got through it. He is working again and I returned from Mat leave. So we have space again. Possibly when you return to work if that's your plan that might help. Hope things improve for you.

Original poster
whitemirrors · 08/07/2021 08:41

What about the idea of renting an office space or even renting a bedsit or someone's spare room to work in?

No. Spending money when my income has temporarily vanished just to get a couple of days peace is unlikely to be thought of as sensible.

Or have you got a garden you could put a shed in?

No

Do you have family nearby who would let him work in a spare room

No

OP posts:
Original poster
whitemirrors · 08/07/2021 08:41

Ah I’m sorry ivy, happened to one of my friends. Must have been really stressful for you.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 08/07/2021 08:41

@whitemirrors

Well no sb because as I’ve said more than once I do actually know the situation and the dynamics at play here, but you apparently think you know even better than me how DHs job works and how the layout of our home lends itself to that job. Remarkable really.
Whatever the layout of your home, or anybody else's, your husband could go out for a few hours to give you the space you need.
sbhydrogen · 08/07/2021 08:43

@whitemirrors

Well no sb because as I’ve said more than once I do actually know the situation and the dynamics at play here, but you apparently think you know even better than me how DHs job works and how the layout of our home lends itself to that job. Remarkable really.
😂😂😂 God help you, then.
Snafflepig · 08/07/2021 08:45

I'm in the same boat as you OP. Spent my whole maternity leave with my husband hanging around the house irritating me intensely. We are lucky that we do have a shed in the garden which was converted in to a office by the previous owners but my husband refused to go out there most of the time as it was cold in the winter. Now I am back at work and we are both stuck working from home together all day. Like you I feel like this has really impacted our relationship and I can't imagine things ever going back to normal.
No helpful suggestions from me but just to let you know that others are in the same boat x

Confusedandshaken · 08/07/2021 08:46

If it's any comfort OP I bet he is privately as discontented with life as you are. You are demonstrably unhappy and snarky . I can't imagine there is a good atmosphere in your home. This is going to impact on your D.C.

NeepNeepNeep · 08/07/2021 08:46

I get it. I'm not in this situation yet but a lot of women face something similar when their husband retires and is just there all the time! I don't know what the answer is.