To be reconsidering my relationship because of lockdown

[whitemirrors]

I won’t be leaving because we have young children.

But I am increasingly frustrated with DH wfh and I feel it’s forcing a lifestyle on me I just don’t want.

He’s at home all the time. It’s rare he leaves the house. When he does it’s only for short periods like to go to the supermarket to fill the car with petrol or to go to the dentist. Those sorts of things.

Then at weekends because he’s home all the time he wants to be out of the house. I’m exhausted with it.

Don’t know why I’m posting. Just feeling so stifled.

@whitemirrors I totally hear your frustration. The lockdowns have been really hard for so many of us and I think restriction and the tedium that goes with it can really sabotage relationships. You're absolutely right to pay attention to how this is making you feel day to day.
I've been in your DHs situation since the beginning of the first lockdown and have been really busy doing a quite stressful job from our living room. I'm not brilliant at having boundaries with work at the best of times and wfh I've been a workaholic. DH lost all his work as he's a freelancer in the arts who cannot wfh. He's (involuntarily) borne the brunt of homeschooling our two kids, one of whom has additional needs and has been really challenging. It's been exhausting for both of us and yes, mind-numblingly boring. It's got to the point where he's not sure he wants to be married to me any more and doesn't see a future for us and I'm devastated.
Have your spoken to your DP and does he understand how frustrating this is for you? I really hope you can work out some adjustments between you that will make it better. Good luck.

OP, some of your posts are snappy, rude and dismissive, to people who have taken the time to reply to your thread. People have their own issues and problems and you are not the only, nor the most, miserable person in the world. Nobody's keen on taking time to post to someone else only to be aggressively snapped at. People want to offer suggestions to help because you sound extremely unhappy and it's not entirely clear why - that the situation is irritating and a strain, is a given, but the extent to which it seems to be affecting you does suggest that something else is going on. That's the point that KangarooSally is making above and your response to her was very rude tbh.

I totally understand. I was on maternity leave during the first lockdown and obviously DH started WFH (he hadn’t at all before). We have a separate study on a separate floor and I still found it a bit much. If we’d been in a flat and he was occupying the only space I could actually relax and play with the baby, as well as the only place I could cook or eat, I’d have gone mad.

I really don’t think you’re a bad person for wanting some space from your husband. It’s ok to want unfettered access to the principal areas of your home. It’s ok to want to make some noise in your home or allow the baby to make noise. It’s ok to want some degree of privacy and autonomy. Obviously there are some people who think that is unreasonable because the sacred man is doing sacred manly work and you just need to fit around that, even if that means putting your baby in nursery and going back to work early, but I don’t agree.

It doesn’t sound like your marriage is in and of itself doomed but it does sound like the situation has to change for it to survive.

I think you should consider the possibility of PND or perhaps common or garden depression.

There is a despair for both the present and the future in your posts.

You don't mention an attempt to talk to your H even if it's to tell him to mind his own business when you fart, and to stop horning in on your racket when he takes wet towels out of the dryer.

You don't do his job and he doesn't do yours should be a house rule. Another should be the polite fiction that farts and other sounds you both make are inaudible and nobody has a sense of smell.

If you feel you can't talk to him because it's hopeless, please talk to your GP.

Have you talked to him about how you feel?

Have you encouraged him to take up cycling. Great way to get him to go out and leave you to it.

My DH has been WFH since May last year and before that he was on paternity leave for six months so we’ve been in each other’s pockets even longer than you.

We live in a tiny 2 bedroom flat and his desk is in our bedroom, next to our bed. I’m pregnant and I can’t even have a snooze in bed when DS is napping because DH is 3 feet away hammering at the keyboard like it’s done him wrong or chatting on work calls.

The difference is I’m not a martyr to it. I don’t feel the need to drag DS out all the time or keep him confined to the sitting room making as little noise as possible. If a call is occasionally interrupted by DS walking into our room while I’m on the loo or something, well too bad. This is our home, not DHs office and he and his employers accept that.

Honestly OP I think you are getting a hard time here. I would completely feel the same. In fact I’ve also struggled being at home 24/7 with my partner during the pandemic. Sometimes you just need some alone time in the comfort of your own home. I don’t know what to say except to be really honest with your DP and kindly explain and try to find a compromise that allows you a few days to yourself (even with the farting example - it illustrates what you mean). Perhaps he could even take some annual leave for a day here and there and go out if he can’t work elsewhere. Does he have family or friends he can visit?

If you dont want to appear in the background of calls you get him to pull his desk out from the wall by a foot and sit so his background is the wall rather than into the room.

You get him some noise cancelling headphones and ask him to work in a room where the door can be closed.

I get it, the way you describe it is not tolerable. Something has to change and dh will have to adapt to allow you to live.

Make him sit on the loo with a fake background if needs be!

You say there are no solutions, but divorce is expensive and will probably leave you in a worse position than you are now. You say he used to work in an office so I suggest that if you have no garden or loft or any alternative space that you do look for a satellite office space for him. Or a room in someone else’s house . It will be cheaper than moving to a different house/ flat which is your only other option.
You obviously can not carry on as you are now or your children will be suffering as much as you are . In our village someone is renting out shepherds huts as offices. Unsurprisingly big demand.

@zgirldreamsoftulum

That is sad 😢. I think my son and DIL are struggling as well . Working from home is difficult when you can’t see an end to it .

@Unsure33 thank you. I'm really sad.

Am I missing something here? Simply tell him you need some time alone? Tell him to take the kids out for the day, cinema, lunch then a long walk or visit family if near by. Give you the day. Why can't you just ask him to do that at the weekend as and when required?

@PurpleSunrise

Do you feel you can talk to your DH openly about this?

She can't even fart in front of him, and she thinks he thinks she's enjoying having him at home. I doubt there's much open and honest conversation taking place

I get the sense of intrusion. I spent a year+ with DH (mercifully) in the spare bedroom, but the acoustics of the house mean that I am now also an expert on industrial engineering. Meanwhile there was the task of attempting to "home school" the DC's which was slightly less productive and more frustrating than trying to smash concrete with your forehead. DS1 has SNs, partly reponsible for the delights of homeschooling, but also means that he's sensitive to noise including my very essential radio habit.
I JUST WANTED TO LISTEN TO KEN BRUCE IN PEACE!!!
Sounds trival but it can get relentless when there is no escape.
Fortunately school returned (on and off) and DH snuck back to the office after some technical difficulties and preferred it and stayed.

OP, you may have a limited period left as it is, but when you RTW, you will still need your own sense of space and something will need to change to achieve that. Going back to a workplace will be an anchor of routine that breaks up being stuck in the house or "out" but you will still need some solo relaxation time at the weekend.
Every few weeks, I'd get DH to drive the DCs off, get a McDonalds, go to some slightly distant woods and release about 3.5 hours of gorgeous, amazing alone time where I could whack some loud music on and SING. Running is also an important alone time and release for me, but isn't solving the time at home issue.

Talking with DH and getting him into a habit where he takes DC off for a few hours on a weekend is a very simple solution and very reasonsble as that's what you've been doing to facilitate him. Weekends do not have to be a giant block of "family time".

(Employers are in the wrong for "conveniently" shutting down workspaces and dumping the consequences onto employees households but that's a whole other thread)

If neither of you can or will be willing to make small changes, then you'll just be stuck as it is.

I have no solutions for you. not sure which of these will help but have them all.

I can 100% feel your frustration from the tone of your posts. It must feel like you're banging your head against a brick wall with all our responses but I guess only you really know if anything will work and it seems like nothing will.

With regards to the set up, could he be against a wall? This way his camera won't catch you in the background accidentally? A small thing but may make you feel a little more comfy in your own home.

Is there any movement in his working hours? Perhaps a later start so you can do some fun, noisy and silly stuff before he starts so you can have a little bit of freedom that side of the day? This of course is a big ask but as someone that has the luxury of flexi time I thought I'd suggest it just in case it's an option.

Again, sorry for your sheer frustration and exhaustion with your situation. I hope you get some peace soon.

@Comedycook

I hear you. It's really hard isn't it. I've never wanted to spend 24/7 with my dh either...it's too much. I used to like him being at work and looking forward to him coming home. It absolutely sucks

I hear you too, @whitemirrors.

My husband chose to retire early because of the pandemic. He used to travel a lot on business, naturally now he doesn't. This is not good for me. I used to quite like him when I hadn't seen him for a couple of weeks, now, not so much. I'm wondering whether divorcing him is an overreaction.

These situations are very sad. It's so unfair relationships are being tested like this. It's not always a sign that the relationship is bad...just that the situation is untenable. I love dh but I've never wanted to be around anyone 24/7. It's been going on for too long now

@whitemirrors

I might cancel the cheque while I’m at it.

Apart from the fact the bedrooms are no go areas, it would make no difference.

Currently DH is in Room Right Next To Lounge.

Then we have Big Bedroom Next To Lounge (on the other side) and Small Bedroom Next To Lounge.

He’s still in the same proximity and same presence and same everything.

Tbh at least this way I very occasionally get to lie down during the day.

He's in a room next to the lounge? Does it have a door that he can close? Can you build a door if not.

Can you change the use of the rooms so he has a private office to work? Can you set up one of your rooms as a playroom for you and the baby that you can shut yourself in to play with DC?

Can he use headphones so your noise doesn't distract him and interfere with calls?

Even if you can't do any of that, he can blur his background so you're not visible when wandering around in a towel.

No chance of moving so you live somewhere where you can fit your life into your home?

If none of the above really really isn't possible, he needs to tell his employer that he can't work from home and they need to rent him an office or other facility. Or he needs to start looking for a job where he can work in an office outside the house if that's what suits him.

Someone on this thread has mentioned renting someone else's spare bedroom locally and that's a genius idea.

There will be loads of people who have spare rooms and could use extra money but don't want someone lodging with them full time, but if they had an office set up in one of their spare rooms that they used in the daytime and they wouldn't be around during the evenings and weekends, that would suit them perfectly.

There's been a big shift in this respect during the pandemic and for a lot of people we've moved beyond 'this is temporary' to permanency, so if we haven't done so already, we need proper solutions to make WFH work properly for both the employer and employee.

God it does sound really hard OP. I get it.

While there may be no solutions, it doesn't sound as though you've told your DH how you feel. So he could actually go for a run pr walk each day and give you an hour.

You say the office no longer exists, but is there a hub space where he could go once a week?

Otherwise, the only solution is for him to get a new job. (only half joking).

I think you and your husband will find a solution simply because you both have to as its completely unfair to live like this, it would be difficult enough without children let alone a baby and a toddler. I imagine you have to be on edge as children cry scream laugh etc as they do and you need to do that to.How can you be out of your house all the time you must be so so wrecked. At the moment its like your homeless during your husband's working hours.
This i know sounds terrible but is there any chance you could move to a bigger house like some have the garage as part of the house and it obviously be open plan by default, just think about it because you cannot go on like this its just not fair.Also when very upset everything seems to fog up a bit because being upset would leave you very drained
.

It’s definitely a thing….wanting your DH to be anywhere but here.

Mine has been home since Feb last year. He’s gone from working away Sun-Fri, to loitering around doing fuck all while there was no work, to rediscovering his life for his hobby (spoiler alert it’s a bike), to working from what was my office and I got relegated to the kitchen (I do PT hours so made sense).

He’s still WFH with maybe 4 days a month in an office. This weeks day in the office coincides with my day off.

First time since Feb 19 I’ll have been in the house BY MYSELF. I can’t wait.

OP. I get it.

Things have changed for an awful lot of people during pandemic and wfh suits a lot of employees but not so much other's and then you have employer's jumping on the bandwagon saving on renting office space to. Maybe some people working from home need to work as s team so there could be another person in ops house to ALL DAY now thats grounds for divorce

What do you think could be a solution?

Is there any shared office space locally like this 1millstreet.com

anywhere for him to go and spend a couple of mornings in a Starbucks?

What will happen when you go back to work? Sounds like it’s not far off.

@whitemirrors

I have said a few times now I am not looking for solutions here, I know there are not any. This will only be resolved by me going back to work and that makes me incredibly sad that I will never get to just enjoy being at home alone.

It’s not your DH’s fault that you’re angry he’s wfh and you can’t relax on your own. You DO have another solution. You go back to work full time so you’re out of the house. Maybe your DH could become the SAH parent.