To be reconsidering my relationship because of lockdown

[whitemirrors]

I won’t be leaving because we have young children.

But I am increasingly frustrated with DH wfh and I feel it’s forcing a lifestyle on me I just don’t want.

He’s at home all the time. It’s rare he leaves the house. When he does it’s only for short periods like to go to the supermarket to fill the car with petrol or to go to the dentist. Those sorts of things.

Then at weekends because he’s home all the time he wants to be out of the house. I’m exhausted with it.

Don’t know why I’m posting. Just feeling so stifled.

You sound very irritated. Loads of people are wfh at the moment and are coping ok, they wouldn't have these thoughts or feelings about their partner. Obviously you do, so probably time to call it a day. Not sure what else you want from anyone here.

@whitemirrors

You're at your limit of what you can accept right now and there's nothing wrong with that.

Sometimes it only needs a good vent and a sleep and you're a bit better. Sometimes it helps unpacking your mind with a counsellor. And then sometimes it helps if you give your partner both barrels.

Men respond to overt and constructive feedback. Have a chat with your DH, and give him both barrels if he's being an arse or not taking it seriously.

@whitemirrors

Listen, I get you. I've always been the type of person who has prized solitude, alone time and/or 'me and the kids' time at home. I'm much older than you and during our working years it was easy to carve that time out because of differing work hours and days off, he worked away for a time, and his obsessions hobbies. Even after we both retired his hobbies gave me plenty of 'down time'.

Don't get me wrong, I love him and I've always enjoyed our times together enormously. In fact we're 'RVers' and spend weeks together on the road. But time alone is restorative for some people. Other people just don't get that. And they don't get that needing alone time is NOT a rejection of one's spouse/partner, nor is it 'selfish'. Rather, the time spent on one's own makes the time with them even more special.

I don't think there's an answer to your current problem unfortunately. Because what you want is for him to 'absent himself' from the home and as it stands he doesn't feel any need to. DH's hobbies haven't resumed yet so I'm carving out my alone time an hour or two at a time when DH runs errands, walks the dog, or meets friends for lunch (not in the UK, it's allowed here). It's not the same as the 3-5 days he'd normally be gone 'doing his thing' but it'll have to do for now.

Is there any chance at all your DH would be interested in taking up a hobby that might take him out of the house?

OP, whenever I have found myself searching for somewhere else to live just to get some time on my own, and been unable to see or accept any solutions to my issues, it's been depression. In fact, it's how I recognise veering off course MH wise now. Given probably very little about your pregnancy and mat leave would have been as you expected or wanted thanks to Covid, it would be entirely reasonable for you to be fucked off to a clinical level. Please accept the suggestion to speak to your HV/GP in the spirit it's meant.

"I think DH thinks his presence is enjoyable for me. Ha ha ha."

This is the problem @whitemirrors
There is obviously no communication between the two of you. You should get couples counselling otherwise you're going to have a very miserable retirement when that happens. It should be possible to have a conversation with your spouse that begins with "I don't like it when XXX happens, can we think of a solution?" and not worry about them yelling at you or judging you or anything else negative. Your needs are as important as his. Quite possibly he has no idea you are unhappy and there is something he could do that maybe you haven't thought of. But you just haven't communicated with him so he has no idea. If you would get a negative reaction from communicating your needs and that's why you haven't brought it up then that's a problem and you should get it solved for the sake of your marriage and your future happiness and wellbeing.

@whitemirrors

glass some of my replies are aggressive because some responses are unpleasant and I’m not meekly accepting it. I don’t see why I should tbh. If someone wants to be an arse they have to expect it back.

I’m not looking for solutions.

what did you think maternity leave would look like

Here’s one day I’ve had. The only day he’s been out in over a year.

I got a load of toys out and let DD explore them in the lounge chatting to her in an excited high pitched voice and letting her squeak and squeal back. I put some nursery rhymes on Alexa and danced round with DD in my arms in my pyjamas. I don’t tend to count my omissions but if I needed to fart I did so.

I had a shower. I came out of the shower in a towel and went to the kitchen to make a cup of tea.

While DD napped I watched Netflix.

We went to a baby group and out for a walk and came back and played with the toys again. Did some sensory play. Drew the curtains and put the light machine on and ‘discussed’ the colours and the movement.

Then DH came home. It was lovely to see him.

OP for the posters who lack imagination please post what the day looks like when your dh is working from home (as in every day) because obviously it looks nothing like what this post and probably involves a lot of being quiet/not going into the lounge/going out of the house to give him quiet etc.

Homes - which were for exactly the things you described here suddenly became offices. But homes are still needed.

I have every sympathy for you. dh is wfh since March 2020 but the difference is we have a big house with an office on the third floor and our children are late teens/early 20s and out of the house or in university. and it was STILL an adjustment.

Also the posters saying "be grateful he is supporting you" Did you miss the past 50 years of feminism?? The OP HAS a job - she is on maternity leave from it. It is 2021 - women work and support the family along with their partners - amazing isn't it.

And if you are adamant that this can't be solved and you counselling can't help you become partners with each other's happiness as common goals - maybe you are right to think about ending the marriage. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life as two individuals, like house-mates who just barely tolerate each other and work to overlook the things that annoy them because they need to maintain the status quo as it benefits them financially? That sounds like a miserable way to spend the rest of your days.

You sound very irritated. Loads of people are wfh at the moment and are coping ok, they wouldn't have these thoughts or feelings about their partner. Obviously you do, so probably time to call it a day. Not sure what else you want from anyone here

Maybe a bit of support? OP is obviously struggling and that doesn't mean her marriage should be trashed. With a child with SEN we've been through emotionally demanding times. Times when we couldn't stand the sight of each other because of strain and lack of sleep and competition who was suffering the most. We got through it where many don't. We stuck it out because of our love for our child. Some fall at the first post, thinking they've fallen out of love. And separate and get a divorce because they think they have come to dislike their husband/wife.

What they dislike, is the situation, and the stress. It's easy to lose sight of the person you love when your life is falling apart. We persevered and got through it. OP's upset is transitory. It won't go on forever.

Married people DO sometimes have these thoughts about their partner. You can't always be agreeable and accepting. It's a joint effort to make it work. The really important thing is to listen.

I think you owe it to him to tell him that you hate it, when it means you don’t want to touch him or have sex with him.
Why are you jokingly discussing second homes when you don’t seem to have seriously discussed moving house? Having a separate room or a pod or similar in the garden (even though you stroppily say it would make no difference) would make a big difference if you were able to communicate that you need not to feel stifled by him and free to play with the baby so he needs to spend some of the working day in that room and letting you do your own thing.

OP, whenever I have found myself searching for somewhere else to live just to get some time on my own, and been unable to see or accept any solutions to my issues, it's been depression. In fact, it's how I recognise veering off course MH wise now. Given probably very little about your pregnancy and mat leave would have been as you expected or wanted thanks to Covid, it would be entirely reasonable for you to be fucked off to a clinical level. Please accept the suggestion to speak to your HV/GP in the spirit it's meant

Well I take umbrage at that. I don't find anything n OPs post that suggests that she's either mentally ill or depressed. OP sounds perfectly normal to me. I think it might be helpful if you stop projecting your own problems onto other people.

I have visions of the OP's DH being Joe Wicks or in a similar role & needing the large open plan area to do his PE workouts. That would drive anyone nuts!

In all seriousness though. Have you spoken to your Health visitor or GP about how you're feeling OP? My first thought was potential postnatal depression.

He needs to rent a small office space, at least a few times a week.

You have to be direct with him, OP, and tell him you are not coping in constant company, especially with a new baby when you want to just be free with baby activities at home (withot being sarky, obvs) - surely he'd want to compromise to save your relationship.

I don't feel sorry for you, you will just have to get on with things as they are for now, you have a family, and unless you can make some alterations between your partner and yourself, you will be spending a lot of time complaining , and being unhappy.

needing the large open plan area to do his PE workouts. That would drive anyone nuts!
would make sense actually as many studios have closed down for now - small yoga spaces etc.

Or he's a language tutor or similar, office closed down for foreign student groups, but they are all keen to switch to onlne. This has boomed in lockdown. Nightmare as on the one hand it's noisy, on the other he gets many breaks and then annoys OP with his noseyness and comments on what she's doing.
I'm single but want a relationship - the problem is I would need someone who's out at work /hobbies a lot, while not being distant mentally and emotionally - tough one! Would rather be single if that's not the case.

You're entitled to take umbrage Carrot, and it may indeed be projection, but it's worth mentioning because if it's not, it could help OP.

I'm not unsympathetic, OP. And I don't feel sorry for your husband at all - his life is going swimmingly; he's being accommodated by his wife (and his baby, essentially) at pretty much every turn, then gives her a hard time when she's bit flatulent one morning. I'd be fucking livid if my bloke did that.

And whatever you thought your maternity leave 'would look like' as another poster said 🙄 - it wasn't this. Ok, so It's not supposed to be twelve months of pure indulgence, with endless Baby Yoga, lunches with friends and mani-pedi sessions m, but it's supposed to be better than what you're describing, ffs. I feel for you. And I don't think you've been particularly rude or aggressive, although some of the usual MN suspects have reached new levels of PA.

@Carrotinthesky

OP, whenever I have found myself searching for somewhere else to live just to get some time on my own, and been unable to see or accept any solutions to my issues, it's been depression. In fact, it's how I recognise veering off course MH wise now. Given probably very little about your pregnancy and mat leave would have been as you expected or wanted thanks to Covid, it would be entirely reasonable for you to be fucked off to a clinical level. Please accept the suggestion to speak to your HV/GP in the spirit it's meant

Well I take umbrage at that. I don't find anything n OPs post that suggests that she's either mentally ill or depressed. OP sounds perfectly normal to me. I think it might be helpful if you stop projecting your own problems onto other people.

Normal? It is normal to feel supremely irritated and feel completely unable to change things and be resigned to your fate of being terribly unhappy? To be unable to talk to your spouse about it? To be so irritated by your spouse you don't want to be touched at all? That's not normal.

Being pissed off at everything and feeling completely helpless isn't normal.

If it is coming from the inside - OP needs help. If it is coming from the spouse (if he is abusive etc) - OP needs to turf the spouse and may need outside support with this. If it is coming from a breakdown in communication, but OP is not depressed and spouse is not abusive - they need marriage counselling.

Op doesn’t need help, thanks.

Cheers Lobo. It’s not all bad but it’s just the constant presence that’s been very slowly driving me round the bend, which is what I think the above post is missing. I’ve gone from fine, no problem, to this is a bit intrusive, to oh this is annoying, to h for gods sake is this the rest of my life?

And I do think eleven pages later a bit of irritation at ‘but whhhhhy can’t be work in the bedroom’ is reasonable anyway, tbh!

I feel your pain. I love my dh but it feels claustrophobic to always be together. I think it is helpful to set a boundary, any boundary, just to have something to defend, whether it's another bedroom that you can set up as a lounge, or one hour of the day when you get to be home doing the home things you like. Just one protected thing that is the way you want it.

"AIBU To be reconsidering my relationship because of lockdown"

It doesn't sound like this is a lockdown issue as you've said it's permanent.

You may not be entirely UR if you've realized you need a lot of alone time and you can't have that when you live with someone, but normally you wouldn't get married and have children before realizing that.

You seem a bit desperate to be a victim by bashing every single option to improve the situation you don't like. Presumably your husband works 8 hours in the day with a lunch break so you have 6-7 hours weekdays and whole weekends to do what you like at home. If he is nitpicking then you have to communicate your needs to him. I don't think any decent husband would want to make their wife so desperately unhappy every day.

I know people who don't like living with others so they decided to live alone (or just with children). No one should be forced to live in a desperately unhappy situation.

I really feel for you OP. My husband is also WFH but he can be in the bedroom (and it’s on another level) so much less intrusive - but even so, it can still limit our activities. I get really anxious if I’m making a lot of noise and can hear him on a call for instance.

I do think you probably need to have a really frank conversation about it with your husband. I know you’ve said there are no solutions and I believe you that it it seems that way, but if he knows how you are feeling he might be able to make changes himself which ease the situation a bit.

I hope things improve for you all

Op it's time now to maybe delete......this isn't helping you in the slightest x

OP I think you came across as pretty abrupt in the first few posts and that got people’s backs up.
However, I get it. I need time away from my husband. He wouldn’t work in a bedroom hunched up either. I need space! We’re always together unless I go to work or the shop! It must be so suffocating on maternity leave. Hope you’re ok 😊

I think it’s that the OP lives in a studio flat. One big room for living and sleeping so there isn’t a separate bedroom. Seems pretty clear to me.

@whitemirrors

Op doesn’t need help, thanks.

Cheers Lobo. It’s not all bad but it’s just the constant presence that’s been very slowly driving me round the bend, which is what I think the above post is missing. I’ve gone from fine, no problem, to this is a bit intrusive, to oh this is annoying, to h for gods sake is this the rest of my life?

And I do think eleven pages later a bit of irritation at ‘but whhhhhy can’t be work in the bedroom’ is reasonable anyway, tbh!

Why not talk to him about it then? Why can't you just tell him how you're feeling, and together think of a way to make it better?