To be reconsidering my relationship because of lockdown

[whitemirrors]

I won’t be leaving because we have young children.

But I am increasingly frustrated with DH wfh and I feel it’s forcing a lifestyle on me I just don’t want.

He’s at home all the time. It’s rare he leaves the house. When he does it’s only for short periods like to go to the supermarket to fill the car with petrol or to go to the dentist. Those sorts of things.

Then at weekends because he’s home all the time he wants to be out of the house. I’m exhausted with it.

Don’t know why I’m posting. Just feeling so stifled.

Do you feel you can talk to your DH openly about this?

I'm the one working from home and I honestly hate it now, I also used to love my home and now it feels like a prison. My 15 year relationship broke down because of the stresses of Covid and being in each others pockets resulting in me being left with 2 small children and very little help. I hear you OP, even though I wasn't in the same position, I couldn't stand being stifled in the house and although it sounds like this isn't a solution for you, I almost felt relieved when he left. I hope you can work through it and things get better for you. No advice but lots of sympathy

I'm sorry but this is Mumsnet and we are going to need a diagram as to why a bedroom doesn't work? My stbexh (still living together) has a high level job and works from a bedroom - he has a desk and just uses a 'background' on zoom calls so it doesn't look like he's in a bedroom. Your evasiveness round that particular question doesn't make sense

But otherwise, I hear you - but the problem is not his WFH, it's his expectation that you all have to shut up or f*ck off while he takes over the house

@whitemirrors I walk from the bathroom to the bedroom in a towel yes, or I detour and stick the kettle on in the kitchen - why wouldn’t I?! Our house isn’t an office, it’s a home. You said your DH is working from home so it isn’t an office it’s a home. Does he turn the camera on you so his colleagues or other work people see you?!

But I like how you ignored everything else I wrote and focused on that one point.

Why can’t do you do everything you want to do with your baby? Play music, put lots of toys out, let them make noise etc

I might cancel the cheque while I’m at it.

Apart from the fact the bedrooms are no go areas, it would make no difference.

Currently DH is in Room Right Next To Lounge.

Then we have Big Bedroom Next To Lounge (on the other side) and Small Bedroom Next To Lounge.

He’s still in the same proximity and same presence and same everything.

Tbh at least this way I very occasionally get to lie down during the day.

@whitemirrors, I get how you feel. I never realised how much I enjoyed my routine and alone time at home until it changed/ stopped with Covid19.

I went from always having the house to myself between 8am and 5pm Mon to Fri to having DH and teen DC here all the time.

I soon realised I missed singing and listening to music whilst I cleaned, I missed watching what I wanted if I wanted the tv on and most of all I missed the silence and the house staying clean for more than 5 minutes once I'd cleaned it.

Normally, I'd have breakfast, spend 30 mins with dog then start cleaning and the music would go on. This would be finished around 1pm and then the house would stay clean for several hours until kids, etc, came home.

Now it is never clean as they mess it up faster than I can clean, and I've become depressed and now struggle to find the motivation to tidy up as I know it's a wasted effort as it will be messy again within minutes.

Although we have a separate office room he doesn't like being shut away from everything and says the light isn't great when he's on Zoom/ teams, so it means I have to be quiet all day and keep out of the open plan kitchen/diner/lounge as that is where he likes to work ( right in the middle & taking over the whole dining table).

He likes to have the TV on in the background... usually his programs only though, and no music.

Not that that matters as his phone goes off every few minutes so everyone/thing has to be silent and the tv is paused, so even if I watched something I wanted to, a 30 min programme might take 3hrs to watch due to having to keep pausing it, and watching it at a volume where it would be a struggle to hear properly.

I've ended up spending most of the last year or so shut in my bedroom alone and not being able to enjoy my house and dogs or even clean properly, so my mental health is suffering.

I keep saying I'm struggling with it and I need my alone time back and that he needs to work in the office so that I can get my house cleaning routine back as I'm falling behind with all the house jobs, etc, and I miss being able to sing and listen to music or have friends around during the day, etc.

Nothing changes though, so I do understand where you're coming from. I hope being able to vent has helped you a little, despite the negative posts. 💐

messy I wasn’t deliberately ignoring you but I was trying to point out how different setups and different feelings about those setups are different for different people.

The camera is on because DH is in meetings, yes. I feel like a grade A twat singing and dancing and appearing in the background half naked.

People feel differently about stuff

I don’t tell you that you are wrong to feel confident doing it. I don’t: that’s all really.

I'm luckier than you in that we have quite a big space so my bedroom is at least at the opposite end to where he's working (same floor though).

If we lived in a small place, I may well have buried him under the patio by now.

It’s not his fault he’s wfh.
Of course he spends most of his time at home - he’s working there.
Of course he wants to go out at the weekend, he’s been home all week.
How about you try having a bit of empathy for him.
If you speak to him like you speak to posters on here I feel deeply sorry for him.

I spend loads of time in the bedroom too, inthesameboat, or just out. And it’s hard.

No ones saying it’s his fault.

If he asked me a question about something from work I couldn’t discuss and I said ‘I can’t really talk about that with you DH, sorry, it’s private’ and he spent all evening saying he wanted to know I might get a bit short with him, yeah.

To be fair though, he wouldn’t ever do that.

I can totally relate. I’ve just finished my maternity too and the whole time my DH was working from home, still is now.

I totally understand your frustration. Hopefully they will be back to work soon and we can carry on. I miss the days of just having my own space with or with out kids but no DH constantly in the way. My DH works from the kitchen were I spend most of my time. I have had the thoughts on several occasions that I can’t do this no more.

Stay positive it won’t be like this forever 💐

Sorry to keep beating a dead horse @whitemirrors but it's worth considering that although yes he will be in the same proximity, doors can be closed to give you the peace to make a little more noise.

His camera will be facing an empty bedroom, so you can walk around the house as you'd like to and not have to worry about appearing in the background (which I understand, I never go in the room when DH is on camera).

I get the comments about not feeling comfortable being yourself with the cameras on and phone calls phone all the time too.

When I'm at home, I like to wear comfy clothes and scruffy stuff when I'm around the dogs or cleaning.

Don't feel comfortable doing that when other half is on calls all the time.

Also, I've been caught out a few times at the beginning, not realising he's on a video call and been caught on camera wearing unsuitable things for a stranger to see.... think t shirt and knickers or just a towel.

Also @whitemirrors I get that it might feel pointless if he's going to be in the same proximity and you can still hear him etc but maybe even not having him constantly in your line of sight every day would help a little!

I’ve had enough of DH being home when I’m home with the kids and have started looking at office space for him in town. My DH will need an office rather than just a desk in a shared space so it will be expensive but it needs to happen until we reach a more permanent solution. Our house was never bought with home working in mind and I never agreed to look after the kids at home with him working in ear shot.

Sorry, I’m a bit confused. If he’s in a room next to the lounge, why can’t he close the door to that room, so he’s in it and you’re not in the background? Everything you listed doing on the “one day this year he left the house,” you could do if he was in a room with a shut door or a designated home office with a closed door while you had run of the rest of the house. Maybe, for the sake of your marriage, once you’re back at work, if finances allow, you should move somewhere that you can put his WFH space in a home office or, IF you want to move to a house, a garden shed or attic, and if not, maybe just convert a bedroom as far from a central lounge as possible to an office in a slightly larger or more soundproof apartment.

If I’m misunderstanding something, or you said moving isn’t an option and I missed it, apologies.

It’s funny people always want what they can’t have. I adored my husband WFH in the months after my daughter was born last year. He spent his lunches going on walks with us, popped his head in when we were playing, no commute so he’d got to really maximise the time he spent with us.

He’s deployed now, he should be home in the autumn. I value the time he spent working from home so much. As shit as it was having a baby in lockdown, he would have never been able to spend so much time with us in ordinary circumstances.

@whitemirrors omg I'm so sorry for what you're going through but your replies are amazing! My life has descended into chaos. My partner has done something that has effectively ended our relationship and left me with a two yr old and 6month old. And I'm reading all your messages thinking I need some of the fight that whitemirrors has!

Anyhow- I am a Social Worker and I discuss confidential things all day everyday. WFH is a nightmare. I can't work in a bedroom as I need to have my laptop and sitting on the bed is awful. Then there's the fact I have to have my camera on for some meetings- I don't want colleagues and clients to see my bedroom. Even if I blur the screen so they can see me I still look in a weird half led half sat position. I can't work in a living room if family are home. I can't work in a room with windows open as I live in a terraced house. I can't rent a space as I can't afford it. Etc etc BTW I am giving examples and I do not need solutions.

What I'm trying to say is- the OPS partner CANT work anywhere other than the lounge in their apartment. THATS IT. Its not difficult to understand.

And I think all the OP wants is to moan about it and maybe in some way that will help her get through another couple of days.

Moan away OP and I hope easier times are ahead of you.

And to be honest that is not what I want from my life. I want a life where I can enjoy being in my home

I think I understand. You don't want an extra room specifically designated for your dh to work in. You want the rooms in your house to have nobody in them so you can just be in it alone and recharge.

In my experience, speaking in extremes, there are people who thrive and recharge by being in the constant company of others.Who love it and take their energy from being surrounded by company, family, friends. It's their lifeblood.

There are others, people like me, who thrive and recharge from alone time. Being alone is utterly relaxing for me. I need alone time to recoup the energy I've spent just "being with people"

My neighbour and myself are polar opposites. Our husbands both engage in activities that take them away for days at a time. When my husband goes off, I lean back and sigh and think what a relaxing time I'm going to have doing what I want. when I want. for 3 whole days.
I love him dearly, he's a lovely man, but he's retired from work and he's always there.

When my neighbour's husband goes away, his car pulls out of their drive and I can guarantee that within 10 minutes she'll be at my door, asking me what I'm doing tonight and tomorrow and perhaps the next day because she'll be free for going out and we could check out that new restaurant and maybe have a few drinks and a bbq one afternoon and this and that and the other.

And then I think, 'Oh dear. How can I be a good friend and neighbour but also say fuck off at the same time'?

She needs to be with people most of the time to be relaxed.
I need to be alone quite a bit of the time to be relaxed.

It could be that I'm talking a load of rubbish. But I think there must be some who can relate to this. I wonder, though, if the people who need constant company will recognise themselves.

PS. My neighbour has oodles of friends. Many more than I have, so I know that if I'm unavailable she has other options. I have a few very close friends - from childhood, teenagerhood, early adulthood and a couple that became close in middle age hood.

My neighbour has no MH problems, she's fine and happy, but she just cannot function alone for a day. So, OP. I think I know what you mean.

You just want everybody to go away for a bit so you can recharge.

Totally understand the frustration. If you’re back at work in weeks, it’s a bit late to work on a solution to this particular problem.

Ah come on OP, you have to tell us why bedrooms are no go! I’m so curious!

Oh op I get it. I have a big house with space for everyone to work separately and even then having everyone home during lockdown drove me mental. I needed quiet, and routine.

I know you're not looking for solutions, but I really would talk to him and say something has to change. He needs to think of a solution, talk to his work, rent a space somewhere.

Isn’t it about fairness to both of you and your child. As he’s working and you’re on maternity leave perhaps you feel you can’t ask him to change anything, but if something is making you miserable, you really should.