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Original poster

Just found out my DP is an alcoholic

142 replies

miamiibiza · 07/07/2021 06:25

I really need some help and advice here, I'm really struggling 😢

I've been dating a woman since January, thought she was amazing. Could see a future with her, she would tell me that she was going to marry me, that I was the love of her life etc.

For context, I'm a woman too. We each have 2 young children.

A couple of weeks ago, she was acting strangely one day. Turned out she'd been drinking, had picked the children up from school drunk, and then proceeded to drive drunk with them in the car for 2/3 hours.

I had no idea she had a problem with drink. She has since admitted she's an alcoholic and was attending AA before meeting me. She said that she was so happy since being with me that she stopped going to AA.

I love her so much, but I don't know what to do now. How can I stay in a relationship with her, never knowing if she's at work or if she's gone to get a drink? Not being able to trust her to drive my children about etc. I feel absolutely heartbroken 💔

I've been trying so hard to be strong, she swears she will never drink again, that I've given her a reason to be sober. And I desperately want to believe her. The last few days she's been quiet and distant. Won't see me or talk to me. Just will send the odd text telling me she loves me.

I don't know what to do. Any advice gratefully received

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 07/07/2021 06:28

You are only together a few months. Driving her children when drunk would be a complete dealbreaker, and I would end it.

I would also be making sure the DC other parent knows what happened.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 07/07/2021 06:29

As a child with an alcoholic parent my advice is to leave.

I'd also be reporting her to the school as a safeguarding issue collecting her children drunk and drink driving.

If she's prepared to do that I'm afraid she's in deep. Her saying she'll stop as she has a reason to with you is bullshit.

Protect yourself and your own children. You can't save her, only yourself.

Fashio · 07/07/2021 06:30

Run.

For

Your.

Life.

TheQueef · 07/07/2021 06:33

The drink driving has made the decision for you.
You know her judgment is fucked up.
How can you risk it?
Also agree about letting school know.

Fashio · 07/07/2021 06:36

She could be charged with being drunk in charge of a minor too.

I wouldn’t do anything apart from bin.

Holothane · 07/07/2021 06:37

Sorry you need to walk the drink driving bit is horrific, you must protect yourself and children, the oh I’ll stop drinking is an old one. Hugs.

Original poster
miamiibiza · 07/07/2021 06:58

Thank you all so much for your replies.

It just hurts so much. I thought I'd finally found someone decent, someone I could trust.

I have a 1 year old, and I know when I look at him that I couldn't trust her with him.

But my heart feels broken. And I feel like I can't tell my family or friends because I don't want them thinking badly of her. I need this pain to stop

OP posts:
Whydidimarryhim · 07/07/2021 07:05

Hi op I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s painful as she has deceived you by not telling you in the first place.
She’s not safe and I’d report her to the police or social services.
I couldn’t live with myself if she harmed her children.
She’s gone distant on you in the hope you will forget it -
She’s an addict - you cannot change her, fix her or cure her.
💐

parkerpop · 07/07/2021 07:05

The drunk driving would be the dealbreaker for me....

She's saying she'll now stop as you've given her a reason to stop. That's her saying she has a choice to stop but never had a good reason to. What about her 2 DC?
A woman she's known for 6-7 months is a more important to her than her 2 DC ho actually need her to be there to look after them a hell of a lot more than you do. Not only is she saying they're not important enough for her to stop for, she's driving them around drunk for hours at a time.

You found out about the drink driving a few weeks ago but she's been quiet and distant the last couple of days. Did you initially just accept it/bit challenge here?

Id bet the last few days when she's been quiet bar "I love you" texts means she's drinking.

Sorry but you need to report this to the school or social services for the sake of her DC

tribpot · 07/07/2021 07:08

But if you're a reason to be sober, why did she drink when you were together? Oh that's right, because you also make her so happy she stopped going to AA.

OP an addict will always find a reason to drink if they aren't totally committed to sobriety. And she's already set you up twice to imply that it's somehow your fault - she neglected AA because of you, now she won't drink because of you. Not to avoid drink driving her children, because of you.

She's not ready to be in a relationship. You, as you rightly say, couldn't leave your children with her (and as others have said, she shouldn't be in sole charge of her own children either).

Don't cover up for her, that's part of the disease - the secrets and lies. By all means be discreet but your friends and family need to know there is an insurmountable obstacle to the relationship.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 07/07/2021 07:12

She’s prob distant as she’s back drinking again and doesn’t want you to know. I’d walk away OP. It will only get worse.

Bagelsandbrie · 07/07/2021 07:16

Drunk driving would be a dump and run offence from me. And I say that as someone who used to have issues with drinking myself (never drove when drunk but used to drink stupidly heavily). It’s one thing to be a recovered alcoholic who never drinks and it’s in the past (like me- haven’t drunk for 13 years) and quite another to be in the thick of it like your dp currently is. You have children to consider. You deserve better and so do they.

KateTheEighth · 07/07/2021 07:17

She's on a bender right now, I guarantee you

Don't ever be the crutch for an alcoholic, that way madness lies

And a lifetime of misery and suspicion and dread

This is your chance for you and your child to escape relatively scot-free

Tell the school about her drink driving and run for the fucking hills

romdowa · 07/07/2021 07:19

Run , run and run!! Do not subject your children to this!

herewegogc · 07/07/2021 07:20

Yep she is on a bender. Run.

Peoniesandpeaches · 07/07/2021 07:26

It’s really unfair of her to try pin the responsibility for her drinking on you. You cannot be someone’s reason to be sober and even if that was the case what would her excuse be for drinking that day? It is still early enough in the relationship where things should be rosy and instead all the trust is gone.

holrosea · 07/07/2021 07:30

As someone who has stopped drinking (because I just don't like who I am with alcohol mixed in), run.

I hate to say that when your urge is to support a person that you love, and most substance abuse is a result of deep seated insecurity. Addicts need support. HOWEVER, not at the risk of your safety. your children's safety & her own children's safety.

I'd add that "I'm so happy with you, I don't need AA" is deeply toxic, placing responsibility for her (currently non existant) sobriety on you & this relationship. You are not equipped to support & guide an alcoholic, it is not your responsibility to cure her, and you can love someone while not throwing your entire self down the pan.

Look up Al Anon, they are support groups for family members of alcoholics. They can explain to you better than anyone on here that she needs to sort herself out before she can truly engage with any relationship.

Original poster
miamiibiza · 07/07/2021 07:33

She said she drank to excess that day because she'd stopped taking her anti-depressants. So she was getting the shakes and fidgety. Her logic was that the alcohol would help her feel better.

I know what advice I'd give if this was a friend's situation, but it's hard because I love her. And I know that's not a reason to stay, it all just seems so unfair. I feel conned, that I fell in love with someone that I didn't actually know the truth about. And now all the future plans I/we had have been wiped away.

Her family have now told me that the drunk driving has happened before, and that she'd promised multiple times to stop drinking but hasn't been able to.

Thank you again, your responses really are helping

OP posts:
pegboardsu · 07/07/2021 07:34

I can only reiterate what PP have said.
Alcoholics will lie, and there will always be something.

I had a friendship with a new mum to the area in 2018, and for 2 years I tried to help her when everyone else turned their back.
But seriously, it turned out that I was unintentionally being her crutch.

The outcome to my story was that lives were tragically and very sadly lost.

The lady in question has moved to another area and is getting on with her life whilst our community is still reeling.

Take your kids and don't go near her again. Dont fall for the romantic notion that you can change her. She has not been honest with you from the start.

I ordered glorious rock bottom but haven't read it yet.

Fashio · 07/07/2021 07:35

Alcoholics rely on secrecy and kidding people, you should tell people

toobusytothink · 07/07/2021 07:37

So how should op support her gf then???? This is an addiction, she needs help and op can support her. Genuine question. You don’t just run away surely?

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 07/07/2021 07:37

Walk away. You have children. Do NOT bring an alcoholic into their lives.
Sorry this happened but she's not the one for you.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 07/07/2021 07:38

@toobusytothink

So how should op support her gf then???? This is an addiction, she needs help and op can support her. Genuine question. You don’t just run away surely?
Absolutely you do when you have children. 100%. You are also entirely within your rights to run away when you don't have children. Supporting an alcoholic is a thankless, pointless task that will ruin your life.
CheddarGorge · 07/07/2021 07:40

@toobusytothink

So how should op support her gf then???? This is an addiction, she needs help and op can support her. Genuine question. You don’t just run away surely?
They've been together 6 months. Not 6 years. Why should OP support a gf who has lied to her for the duration of the relationship?
LittleGungHo · 07/07/2021 07:41

Don't be her reason to stop drinking. It would be used against you in the future if she needs you.

Her kids should be her reason.

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