Just found out my DP is an alcoholic

[miamiibiza]

I really need some help and advice here, I'm really struggling 😢

I've been dating a woman since January, thought she was amazing. Could see a future with her, she would tell me that she was going to marry me, that I was the love of her life etc.

For context, I'm a woman too. We each have 2 young children.

A couple of weeks ago, she was acting strangely one day. Turned out she'd been drinking, had picked the children up from school drunk, and then proceeded to drive drunk with them in the car for 2/3 hours.

I had no idea she had a problem with drink. She has since admitted she's an alcoholic and was attending AA before meeting me. She said that she was so happy since being with me that she stopped going to AA.

I love her so much, but I don't know what to do now. How can I stay in a relationship with her, never knowing if she's at work or if she's gone to get a drink? Not being able to trust her to drive my children about etc. I feel absolutely heartbroken 💔

I've been trying so hard to be strong, she swears she will never drink again, that I've given her a reason to be sober. And I desperately want to believe her. The last few days she's been quiet and distant. Won't see me or talk to me. Just will send the odd text telling me she loves me.

I don't know what to do. Any advice gratefully received

So sorry for you. What does she say about the drink driving? This is terrifying, especially if she's done it before. It's worse really, as she will have justified the behaviour now: nothing has happened, the kids were ok..... no-one has reported me..... people have protected me....

Others doing nothing is a green light to continue. Noone thinks anything bad will happen - until it does. Then everyone says, oh someone should have done/said something.
Have you decided what you're going to do?

Oh dear. This must hurt so much. But as others are saying above, run do not walk away from this one. She's pretty far down the road of addiction if this is what she's doing and those thought patterns are profoundly unhealthy.

Oh what a shame OP. But run.

I say that as a sober alcoholic. If she was clean and sober for several years, that's one thing. She's clearly not steady and sober, no point taking yourself down that road with her.

I agree that you need to break it off with her. I also think you need to safeguard her children and pass on to their school that she is drinking heavily and is likely to be collecting the children and driving whilst under the influence.

If her child isn't her reason to stop I doubt you will be OP

Please report her to the police and social services.
She could kill someone.

Have you let the school and Social Services know? If not, please do.

She said that she was so happy since being with me that she stopped going to AA.

This is an absolute classic. Serotonin as a substitute for the drug of choice. skywoodrecovery.com/why-are-romantic-relationships-a-bad-idea-in-early-recovery/ Read that and don't see her again.

The woman you love wasn’t real sorry. You’ve seen who she really is now.

@toobusytothink

So how should op support her gf then???? This is an addiction, she needs help and op can support her. Genuine question. You don’t just run away surely?

Addicts and alcoholics will only stop if they want to. All the love and support in the world won’t stop an alcoholic drinking or an addict using if they don’t want to stop. Op please go to al Anon - you’ll find help and support there.

So how should op support her gf then???? This is an addiction, she needs help and op can support her. Genuine question. You don’t just run away surely?

A lovely friend of mine, two years clean from a serious meth addiction, used to call this "stealing someone's rock bottom". Addicts have to do the work themselves and no amount of support is anything other than unhelpful.

The policeman prosecuted for maybe being drunk in the past they have to catch her.

Police won’t *

Run, it will suck the life out of you. Been there done that. Worst years of my life.

If she says you’re the reason she wants to stop drinking now, you can bet your bottom dollar that you’ll end up either getting blamed for her starting up again if you have a disagreement or difficult conversations. You’ll be unable to have any kind of supportive relationship for fear of setting her off.

Plus she’s lied from the start and is emotionally manipulating you into staying.

Run run run. Don’t walk.

For the sake of your children, you should leave. I wouldn't allow an alcoholic within a mile of my children. It's not fair on them. :(

You fell in love with a myth. She misrepresented herself from the beginning. Maybe it’s lock down but this relationship felt like it was in the fast lane.

She could kill her own children if she is driving drunk with them in the car. I agree with everyone else walk away from this relationship.

Leave.

I am the adult child of an alcoholic father who cannot forgive one parent for letting her get in the car with the other drunk parent because it was easier than standing up to the drunk parent.

Now that I am a parent myself I can say that without a doubt, it would be a case of over my dead body before I'd let my own child get in the car with someone who was that drunk.

Nowadays it's called 'failure to keep safe'. On the part of both the non-drunk parent and the drunk one, and attracts the attention of school safeguarding leads, social workers etc.

Leave before u get too intwined and co-dependant. No one that is balanced and has healthy boundaries knowingly gets involved with a active alcoholic. And I say that speaking from experience with alcoholics.

You are doing the right thing. It's sad, and frustrating, but people with an alcohol addiction will a) always find a reason why they had a drink that time (I was sad / I was worried about you / I was happy / I had to celebrate with my friend / it was just one / it's because you don't trust me so why shouldn't I etc ad infitum) and b) Lie first. Lie even when they swear on their children's lives they are telling the truth. Lie more. And then have to have another drink because you don't believe them / caught them out lying.

The drink driving is the most firghtening bit. Please report that to the DC's other parent / to the school. Seriously. Next time it might not end well, and what if something happened to those children or to someone else.

So sorry you're going through this. And even more sorry at what her children are going through / will go through as they grow up.

@toobusytothink

So how should op support her gf then???? This is an addiction, she needs help and op can support her. Genuine question. You don’t just run away surely?

Damn right you just run. Op has only known her since January. Why the hell would she subject herself to a life of hell with an alcoholic. The only one who can help an alcoholic is themselves and this one is making up shite excuses to drink so is unlikely to accept any help. She is not for saving by op.

It's sad and I'm sure she is all the things you've fallen in love with, but she's also an addict. You need to walk away, she needs to get sober and you need to protect yourself and your child.

Sorry it's not worked out xx

I was married to an alcoholic. It was a nightmare. It doesn’t matter if you love her, please move on with you life. She’s already making excuses and drawing you in to the vortex. Please don’t. You’re life is worth more. Lots of love xx

Walk away now. No matter how much you love her and want to believe her, you will regret continuing with this relationship. Being with an alcoholic is soul destroying, get out while you can