Just found out my DP is an alcoholic

[miamiibiza]

I really need some help and advice here, I'm really struggling 😢

I've been dating a woman since January, thought she was amazing. Could see a future with her, she would tell me that she was going to marry me, that I was the love of her life etc.

For context, I'm a woman too. We each have 2 young children.

A couple of weeks ago, she was acting strangely one day. Turned out she'd been drinking, had picked the children up from school drunk, and then proceeded to drive drunk with them in the car for 2/3 hours.

I had no idea she had a problem with drink. She has since admitted she's an alcoholic and was attending AA before meeting me. She said that she was so happy since being with me that she stopped going to AA.

I love her so much, but I don't know what to do now. How can I stay in a relationship with her, never knowing if she's at work or if she's gone to get a drink? Not being able to trust her to drive my children about etc. I feel absolutely heartbroken 💔

I've been trying so hard to be strong, she swears she will never drink again, that I've given her a reason to be sober. And I desperately want to believe her. The last few days she's been quiet and distant. Won't see me or talk to me. Just will send the odd text telling me she loves me.

I don't know what to do. Any advice gratefully received

And I feel like I can't tell my family or friends because I don't want them thinking badly of her. I need this pain to stop

This is a dangerous mentality that won't help you. I used to keep quiet all the times my exh was violent and abusive because I didn't want my family to think bad of him... you end up alone and without support yourself.

Get away from her for the sake of your son. She's not worth it and time will heal.

It really couldn't be clearer, could it?

She lied to you from the start and now wants you to stick around and be her crutch and also the person to blame when she has a drink. That's the problem with her claim that her sobriety (if ever she was) was down to you. You become the whipping boy when it goes wrong.

Your child deserves more than this. Walk away.

And your family will think very badly of you if you prioritise this 6 month relationship over your child who has no choice in any of this

Yes I guess op has to put her children first. I have to say I would walk away but my friend had an addiction and her husband just dumped her and she had to sort herself out (which she eventually did). Just think it’s really hard to open up to someone about an addiction and basically ask for help (which is what she needs) and then get dumped as a result. I know nothing about addictions though so I don’t know what the process is. Literally just found out about my friend which is why I’m so interested. She’s been clean for 2 years now so all good but it sounded so tough for her

There’s always going to be an excuse “reason” why she’s drinking unless she actually wants to stop. This time it’s the stopping the anti depressants (another worrying thing - why has she done this? You can’t just suddenly stop them and she doesn’t seem in the right place to be weaning off them)- next time there’ll be something else.

If you want a calm, stable, happy life walk away now otherwise it will be one miserable drama or crisis after another.

Just no. You will never ever trust her with your kids now...with very good reason. Who wants to live like that? I can't believe she would put your babies at risk like that. Utterly hideous. I'd walk away without a second thought. How fucking dare she do that.

Toobusytothink...and maybe your friend wouldn't have sorted herself out if her husband has stayed to be her crutch and person to blame. He may have done her a favour. Nobody owes an addict support at the expense of their own well-being.

@toobusytothink

So how should op support her gf then???? This is an addiction, she needs help and op can support her. Genuine question. You don’t just run away surely?

You support her with boundaries and sometimes that boundary is to say your behavior is so bad I cannot be around you. People only give up when they come to a point where they can no longer justify their behavior. She is still at the stage of finding excuses and avoiding responsibility. If it’s a topic you are genuinely interested in I recommend www.adfam.org.uk

Agree you need to walk away. I understand that you love her but the key here is that love is NOT enough. You also need trust and respect and that cannot be there due to her deceitful and irresponsible behaviour.

@Peoniesandpeaches thank you. I’m genuinely interested and will read that. Thank you.

It would be a dealbreaker for me.

If you are going to stay though, at least insist that she carries on going to the AA meetings. What a ridiculous thought that she was "so happy" that she stopped doing the one thing that could have been stopping her slipping back to alcohol. i.e. So happy she stopped looking after herself?

When drinkers swear they will never touch it again, they really do mean it in their own head, but it rarely goes that way. It's a very long process to stop something which is such a crutch.

It depends if you feel you can commit to someone who has this problem and probably will struggle with it for many years - it's not going to be an easy journey and you will never be able to leave her alone with your children. I couldn't do it, not until she is at least 6-12 months alcohol free.

My job involves supporting people impacted by someone else's alcohol use and having heard the lived experience of hundreds of people over the years, I can appreciate how heartbreaking and traumatic it is to find yourself in this situation.
Addiction is an illness that only the sufferer can overcome, with recovery being a life long process. It is normal to want to support someone you love through this process, however, this is often enabling their addiction (look up the differences between supporting versus enabling). As an affected other you need to remember the three C's. You didn't Cause this, you can't Control this and you can't CURE this.
Look at your personal boundaries - are they robust enough to protect your emotional health and wellbeing? Do they protect your children?
Look up putting boundaries in place with an alcoholic.
Look up articles on how to emotionally detach, understand the 'hooks' that are keeping you in the relationship.
Practice self-care EVERY day.
Access support groups for loved ones, there is SMART, Al-anon and your local drug and alcohol service.
The impact of living with someone with an addiction can be catastrophic, affecting every area of your life, including the emotional development and wellbeing of your children.
Educate yourself in every way possible, as it will support you to manage the emotional minefield ahead.
People do go into recovery and things can change, but sadly it is the exception rather than the rule - 80% of people lapse or relapse. Consequently if you decide to stay with your partner, you need to accept this will probably a cycle of behaviours that you have to manage again and again.
Most of the loved ones I have worked with usually end up with no option but to walk away as the personal cost becomes too great and they realise the addiction will always come first.
Can I advise that you prioritise your own needs now, and that these over ride your feelings of compassion, guilt etc for your partner. It will save you a lot of future heartache.

If the safety and well-being of her children wasn't enough of a reason to stay sober, then you won't be either. I would report to the school/ss about the drunk driving.

I used to believe you can love anyone out of despair but I see now it is not possible. Please believe me, a perfect stranger who has nothing from saying this, you are signing yourself into a life of pain if you continue.
She will NOT stop drinking for you. Even if she is not physically drinking, she will crave it. The secrecy and the paranoia will tear you apart. The deeper you go, the more entangled the situation will become.
If she wants to change, she needs to be the one to do it. Get out and spare yourself the turmoil of being involved with an addict.

Hi OP. Not to derail your thread but...from someone who has experienced exactly this (fiancé took my son for a drunk drive SIX DAYS before our wedding last year) I'd advise you really really consider what in this (relative) short space of time you're getting from the relationship. I'd also say that my ex would equally be charming and serious about marriage etc but subsequently it's very obvious that the years long drinking damage he's done means anything that comes out of his mouth is a best a real wish and at worst just lies and fictions that he does not remember saying because of the neurological damage that drinking has taken. He's only 40. Been in rehab three times. @toobusytothink whereas yes, supporting a relationship IS kind, with an alcoholic it's actually very rapidly about self preservation because the lies, secrecy and deceit kick in alongside it. OP, take your lovely kids and leave. You do not owe this person anything. They have endangered not just your kids but also other road users and frankly it's abhorrent. Take it from me (9 years of being the person who "stopped" them from drinking) what that actually means is hidden alcohol in water bottles, zero realtime support when you absolutely need it (because there will ALWAYS be something) and lots of gaslighting. Good luck. Xx put you and the kids first, lovely. Xx

@toobusytothink

Yes I guess op has to put her children first. I have to say I would walk away but my friend had an addiction and her husband just dumped her and she had to sort herself out (which she eventually did). Just think it’s really hard to open up to someone about an addiction and basically ask for help (which is what she needs) and then get dumped as a result. I know nothing about addictions though so I don’t know what the process is. Literally just found out about my friend which is why I’m so interested. She’s been clean for 2 years now so all good but it sounded so tough for her

I'm not going to bash you for not knowing about addiction but if you're interested google enabling and codependency to explore what is healthy and not healthy in partners of addicts.

I appreciate it's an illness but it is one that tears everyone near down with it. Your future will involve stints in which she will state you drove her to drink. One in which you will question your own sanity. One in which paranoia will always be one step behind. Giving up AA because she is so happy with you is an excuse, it is a BURDEN she places on you.

I know it is easier said then done when it comes to walking away but believe me, in several years, you will remember this very moment and wished you walked away. At heart of it, it may not be her intention but she will drag you down with it. I have been very close to an addict for many years, nothing in Gods green earth will ever convince me that anyone but that person in question will change their situation. Sadly by the time they decide to change, if they ever do, the situation will be so miserable that you will wonder what it was all for. The lies, the blaming you for drink if you weren't so mean to me last night I wouldn't have gone on a bender etc etc... Possible cheating... The LIES. You have a 1 year old, the relationship is relatively new.
Do
Not
Do
It
The craving for a drink will drown out everything else including safety of both her children and yours. That's how powerful it is. Sorry for the morbid message but it's easier to heal a broken heart when you are relatively unscathed versus a empty heart and years of turmoil behind you.

@Dinorattle1 wow …. You sound unbelievably strong x So can an addict never be properly free? Will my friend always be “wanting it”. Can you ever trust an “ex” addict?

Listen to Livinglavidalockdown. The only person who can save your GF is she herself - and if she is still drink driving and making excuses as to why she 'had' to drink, she is not ready to move into recovery. So you need to not get involved. Life with an addict is hell - been there, done that, stayed too long.

[quote toobusytothink]@Dinorattle1 wow …. You sound unbelievably strong x So can an addict never be properly free? Will my friend always be “wanting it”. Can you ever trust an “ex” addict?[/quote]
Someone who acknowledges that they are an addict will always think of themselves as 'in recovery'. The addiction doesn't go away. My Dsis' partner is an alcoholic - he is 10 years sober, still attends meetings and knows he can never drink again. She trusts him implicitly, but it has taken them a long time to get there. Their relationship nearly ended 10 years ago, which was when he finally realised he had to face up to his addiction and do the hard work that is recovery.

Sorry OP what a horrible situation and so sad.

You have no choice here I'm afraid I agree with everyone else. She isn't a good choice for a partner at all. You know what you have to do. It's just so crap isn't it!

@toobusytothink it was fuelled through just reaching point break for me. I'd planned SEVERAL iterations of a wedding (covid) non of which he'd helped with. His excuse this time around was being stressed and me not providing a welcoming home. But, and OP I can't stress this, THERES ALWAYS an excuse. Someone or something MAKING them behave the way they behave. But actually, strip it down and it's an active choice. I'm not saying there's not instances of where people remain abstinent, but I think the behaviours which come alongside the sobriety aren't conducive to being in a relationship. Especially when the OPs partner is literally not even back at AA. that's the first step but it's not one that OP can force upon her partner, sadly. I also was really ashamed and "protected" my partner a lot from family knowing but the drunk driving was a big wake up call. It's never going to end now either because he's my son's dad. We're happier having moved away but I'm having to deal with constant guilt trips from the ex. He doesn't understand why we couldn't work it out or why he cant see his son daily... And doesn't get that he's very lucky he still sees him at all given that he got lucky that day that he didn't crash the car with our son in it. The magnitude of it doesn't register because it didn't happen. But it could have. And has done to others too. Good luck OP. Be strong and just cut ties.

@toobusytothink - your questions are very dramatic (said with humour, not judgement). The truth is, there is no rule and it really depends on the addict, the depth of the addiction, the desire of the addict to change, and the support network around them to stay away from booze/drugs/gambling/whatever.

WRT your friend's husband leaving, there comes a point where one has to say "enough, this relationship is not helpful or supportive and it actually causes me harm to watch you do x".

Sad situation. Maybe think like this. However heartbroken you will feel now by ending the relationship it's nothing compared to the heartbreak of any damage her behaviour could do to your young DC. Xx