Just found out my DP is an alcoholic

[miamiibiza]

I really need some help and advice here, I'm really struggling 😢

I've been dating a woman since January, thought she was amazing. Could see a future with her, she would tell me that she was going to marry me, that I was the love of her life etc.

For context, I'm a woman too. We each have 2 young children.

A couple of weeks ago, she was acting strangely one day. Turned out she'd been drinking, had picked the children up from school drunk, and then proceeded to drive drunk with them in the car for 2/3 hours.

I had no idea she had a problem with drink. She has since admitted she's an alcoholic and was attending AA before meeting me. She said that she was so happy since being with me that she stopped going to AA.

I love her so much, but I don't know what to do now. How can I stay in a relationship with her, never knowing if she's at work or if she's gone to get a drink? Not being able to trust her to drive my children about etc. I feel absolutely heartbroken 💔

I've been trying so hard to be strong, she swears she will never drink again, that I've given her a reason to be sober. And I desperately want to believe her. The last few days she's been quiet and distant. Won't see me or talk to me. Just will send the odd text telling me she loves me.

I don't know what to do. Any advice gratefully received

that I've given her a reason to be sober
This is was stood out for me.
Why aren’t her DC a reason? Or herself?
Feels like the start of emotional manipulation.
The drink driving is a deal breaker for me personally.

I'm so sorry, but you really have to end it for the sake of your child and for yourself.

I'm the child of an alcoholic. Please leave. Don't subject your children to that. She's already shown that she cannot control herself and her judgement is not to be trusted.
If my husband took the kids out in the car while drunk I would leave him in a heartbeat.

You've been in a relationship with her for SEVEN MONTHS and she never thought to tell that she's an alcholic?

You have to end this right now OP.

The drink driving alone would be a deal breaker, but the lying is actually the bigger red flag. If she was truly in recovery, truly committed to sobriety, she'd have told you up front. I know recovering alcoholics and the ones who are serious are absolutely straight up about it.

Guess I did sound dramatic. Just when my friend told me I was shocked and pissed off her husband didn’t help her through it and gave her lots of sympathy. When in fact it wasn’t his fault. Having said that I’m super proud she has been clean for 2 years and that she managed it without support. Guess it was what she needed so maybe, op, she needs you to leave to let her sort herself out?

Driving whilst drunk with her own children in the car is unforgivable.
Driving whilst drunk with your children in the car is unforgivable for your poor children if you continue to see this woman.

As someone who has been there, I say run for the hills.
If you are left feeling sad about it/ guilty etc, go to your nearest Al- anon meeting for the partners/ family etc of alcoholics. I’d had no experience of alcoholism and going there gave me more insight- and made me so angry about what the disease does -basically people who continue to have relationships with alcoholics are in a powerless place. Even with people like my ex, who conquered it after he nearly died twice, it’s not a position I’d ever choose. I’ve had to co-parent with one! It’s been a real struggle, hell at times. Don’t even think about it.

but I think the behaviours which come alongside the sobriety aren't conducive to being in a relationship.

It isn't that simple. If someone is not drinking but not addressing the underlying causes of their addiction, these behaviours will be a problem. It's called 'dry drunk' - no alcohol, but all the dysfunction is still there.

Someone who is really serious about recovery will not only stop drinking but will also address the underlying issues, and these are the people who will succeed and achieve recovery. It's the hardest choice they can make, but there are people who manage it and achieve both long term sobriety and functionality in life.

She’s actually been lying to you for your entire relationship. You don’t know who she is at all. You are “in love” with a figment of your own imagination.

Like all alcoholics, she’s a master liar and manipulator.
She’s already emotionally blackmailing you, by trying to make you responsible for her behaviour and wellbeing, when telling you that you have given her a reason to stay sober.
The next step on the slippery slope of her controlling you, is for her to blame you when her promises to stop drinking fail. As they will!

Run for the hills now.
Don’t invest any more time or emotional energy in this doomed relationship.

Like I said, no judgement
Addiction is far more nuanced than many people ever realise (hopefully because they don't have to face it or deal with it in close family/friends).

OP, there are so many people telling you the same thing. You cannot fix her. You cannot cure her. It is not your responsibility. She needs her own reason to stay sober. Every ounce of energy you pour into this (currently hopeless) situation is energy you could be spending on you and your child.

Surely, if you are worried about what your family will think, you can say "X has an alcohol dependency that she did not disclose. This is a breach of my trust and a potential risk to my child so I am ending the relationship". Rinse and repeat. You don't have to tell them everything, but don't let her shame trap you into secrecy to the detriment to you and your child.

@pointythings yes, that's sort of what I meant. My experience is very much with what you describe as the "dry drunk". Zero engagement with wanting to admit there is a problem. Even now not actively engaged with AA, but has all the books etc.

The advice to OP stands though, in this case, their partner isn't even at rock bottom yet. And in the event she DID want to pursue a relationship with this person, now is clearly not the right time, and OP needs to really consider what she's getting out of the relationship because of all the big red flags to get, this is by far the biggest! I also thought I was really mentally strong to deal with a partner with addiction but honestly I doubt anyone is without significant support (almost as much as the addict themselves are getting) at which point you have to really really consider the benefits of the relationship. And given this is a relationship that isn't long standing, in my experience, I'd recommend walking away. If the partner was saying "I'm in recovery and have been for X years" it's a different scenario. We're talking about someone who has drunk driven the OPs child.... It's not a good place for a relationship. And irrespective of IF their partner can get sober eventually, they aren't right now.

@LittleGungHo

Don't be her reason to stop drinking. It would be used against you in the future if she needs you.

Her kids should be her reason.

Actually, she should be her reason first and foremost and then things will start to change. It never works if you are doing it for somebody else.

Dinarattle1 I agree 100% that OP needs to walk away from this relationship.

At the moment your DP is an active alcoholic. It’s still a new relationship so please get out now while you can. Active alcoholics are selfish and manipulative. They care more about the drink than anything else which is why their behaviours such as drink driving occur.

The other thing is that AA on its own isn’t always enough. There will be an underlying reason why your DP drinks and that needs to be addressed. Otherwise, relapses or other destructive behaviours will occur further down the line, even after a long period of not drinking.

I go to Al Anon & if I think about the people who go, most either have an active alcoholic in their life, the alcoholic is dead or the relationship is over.

I know there are alcoholics who are in recovery and have long term serenity but it’s very difficult to know how many due to the anonymous nature of AA. I don’t think it’s higher than 50%, if that, so the odds aren’t good.

Like others, I hate

As the wife of an alcoholic, all I can say is Leave. Leave now and don’t look back. If you can, contact the children’s Father and let him know your concerns but this situation will never change, no matter what she says.

@toobusytothink

So how should op support her gf then???? This is an addiction, she needs help and op can support her. Genuine question. You don’t just run away surely?

You don’t support addicts. They’ll just drain you and destroy your life. This woman’s alcoholism is her own problem to deal with, not the OP’s.

I'm in AA and a big part of recovery is honesty. She should have told you from the start that she was an alcoholic in recovery. And putting the kids in danger is unforgivable. You've got to let her go. She's a long way off long-term sobriety and you can't fix her, only she can

"Id bet the last few days when she's been quiet bar "I love you" texts means she's drinking"

1000% this. I've been through this. Get out now. For your kids. All that's ahead is God only knows how many wasted years for you. You'll end up a wreck of a person and she won't care. Alcohol is already more important than ANYTHING ELSE. She is already a pathological liar. Get out. Please.

Hoping that you find the strength to stay out of this situation. As a heads up:
She will tell you it was a one off lapse for whatever reason.
Probably she will agree with you that stopping AA caused it and that she will return.
She will say that with AA and your help and support she won't do it again.
It is more likely than not that she will do it again.
You won't be able to relax and will be hyper vigilant.
She will lie.
You will feel increasingly responsible for the welfare of her and her children.
The longer you stay the harder it will be to leave.
You have a few hard weeks ahead of you if you let her go, but a very hard life if you don't.

I know a good few addicts. Anyone serious about sobriety would have told you from very early days and continued going to meetings. I have seen the impact on children of parents addiction and it’s awful. If you stay you will be miserable and you will become the primary (step) parent for her children. It’s not the answer.

I would have also been outraged at the idea that she stopped/would stop for you but can’t for her children. If she’s serious about sobriety it is her responsibility.

Personally I’d tell her to look me up in a year when she had been attending AA faithfully during that time.

If you were enough for her to stay sober then she would have done.
Please don’t trust her with your children again.

You were all right - she has been drinking the last couple of days. I went to her house (she's at work) and found all the empty bottles hidden in bags in the bin.

I asked her if she'd been drinking over the last two days, and she vehemently denied it.

I can't bear it 😔 the bare faced lying. The drinking being so much more important than her children, her relationship, everything.

In a weird way, finding the empty bottles has been a positive thing. It's explained her behaviour over the last two days as she was swearing to me that she wasn't drinking, so I ended up feeling I was to blame. And it's also given me the rage, made me angry, enough so that I've told 2 close friends now.

And thank you so much. All of you.

Just for clarity - I have 2 children, and I will always do right by them

It was her own children that she drunk drove with. Not that that's any worse/better, but just that I wouldn't trust my children in a car with her

I'm so sorry that your suspicions have been confirmed, but I hope you do now find the strength to walk away. You can't help her. You may find it useful to talk to a support group like Al-Anon or similar to help you come to terms with things. It's very difficult to walk away from someone in addiction; the guilt is incredibly powerful. Support will help you see that it's the right thing to do, not just for yourself but also for them. People in addiction will not change unless there are consequences for their behaviour.